Golfer Jokes
144 golfer jokes and hilarious golfer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golfer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Golf is one of the oldest and most popular sports, and it has given us some of the most memorable golfer jokes. From the classic jokes about caddies, wives, and bad golfers, to the older jokes about slow golfers and the thwack of a putter, these golfer jokes will make you laugh. Read on for the best golfer jokes around!
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Funniest Golfer Short Jokes
Short golfer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golfer humour may include short golf pro jokes also.
- What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver? The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa
- Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!" Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence
- Why did the golfer buy two pairs of socks? He was afraid he'd get a hole in one
^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out - As a golfer, it's always smart to wear 2 pairs of pants. You know, just in case you get a hole in one.
- What's the difference between a really good golfer and a police officer on paid administrative leave? One shot a hole in one, the other shot a hole in Juan.
- What's the difference between tiger woods and an amateur golfer? Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving
- Why did the golfers wife call for help when he hit the ball out of bounds? Because he stroked out!
- As far as I know original golf joke So what does a bogey have in common with a dead golfer?
One too many strokes. - Golf joke Golfer decides to have a drink after a solo round of golf and heads in to the clubhouse.
Golfer [panting]: I'm spent. I just played 18 holes.
Gay bartender: Amateur. - Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? ... Incase he got a hole in one.
HEHE one of my favs.
Whats your fav joke?
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Golfer One Liners
Which golfer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golfer? I can suggest the ones about golf buddy and golf putting.
- I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
- What do you call an intoxicated golfer? A drunk driver.
- What beverage do golfers like to drink? Tee.
- What do you call a Mexican golfer with a gunshot wound? Hole in Juan.
- What did the honest golfer say? I like big putts and I can not lie!
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one.
- What time do golfers wake up to go golfing? Foooooour
- Did you hear about the golfer who passed away? He had two strokes over 80.
- Why did the golfer throw out his favourite socks? Because he got a hole in one.
- Why don't good golfers cheat? Cause they play the fairway.
- My wife left me for a professional golfer... Because he made that Vijayjay Singh
- Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car In the par-king lot
- Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic? He does 18 holes a day.
- Why do golfers bring extra pants? Incase they get a hole in one.
- How many golfers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? FORE!
Golfer Caddie Jokes
Here is a list of funny golfer caddie jokes and even better golfer caddie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A golfer to his caddy: 'How would you have played that last shot, caddy?'
'Under an assumed name.' - Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth." - Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth." - Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." - Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer Wife Jokes
Here is a list of funny golfer wife jokes and even better golfer wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Golfer Adam Scott's wife had a baby today It was a cesarean
But he didn't make the cut. - Why did the golfer's wife cheat on him? She was looking for a man that could go longer than a birdie.
Bad Golfer Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad golfer jokes and even better bad golfer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm such a bad golfer, I found a job in the dessert I'm guaranteed to find water.
- Why were the golfer's donuts so bad? Because he couldn't get a hole in one!
- A golfer misses a putt... He read the break as left-to-right, but it hit the edge of the cup and went the other way.
It was a bad lip reading. - Why is Sammy Hagar such a bad golfer? He can't drive 55.
Silly & Ridiculous Golfer Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about golfer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golf club jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golfer pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another golf joke
A guy who is a fanatical golfer has finally dragged his wife out to play, and the guy hits his ball behind a small pump house. He says, "I'll just take a s**... and drop it over here to the side." But his wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open them both you can hit right through it." So she opens the doors and he swings but the ball bounces off the door frame and hits his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Several years later he's remarried to another woman who loves golf and they're playing the same course, when his ball lands right behind the same pump house. Again he says, "I'm just gonna drop my ball over here and take a s**...." But his new wife says, "No honey, look, the pump house has two doors. If I open both of them you can hit straight through." He says, "Ohhhhh no. I'm not doing that! I tried that a few years ago and you know what happened? I got a 10 on that hole!"
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus and Moses are playing golf.
After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a nun are playing golf...
The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"
Taking his son golfing
Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy.
When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard.
"Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"
"OK Daddy!" His son replied.
So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith. Every other shot, it seemed, went into the rough, a sand trap or somewhere other than where he wanted. After a long, hot arduous round, he was ready to hit the 19th hole...but first he had to get the score.
"Ok Timmy, what do you have my score at for today?"
His son pulled out the scorecard and counted up the total and said "I have you with a 72 dad."
"72? That's amazing! That's like 50 strokes lower than my average. Are you sure you wrote down the number I said for every hole?"
"Yeah, you yelled Fore! on every hole."
(For those who don't know about golf, "Fore" is a yell you give when your ball is going in the direction of other golfers)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and s**... her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
Golfers wife has a heart attack
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
A golfer and heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
Anthill Golfing
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some facts about h**...
He was shorter than most people would think, standing at 5'8". He was obsessed with self-image, and believed that pants that accentuated the glutes were physically imposing. His boots were hand-made by a friend of the family. An avid golfer, he never cleaned his 4 wood, considering the dirt on it to be lucky. The doors in his house would often need fixing, which he did himself. He was the captain of the rowing crew in college.
To sum it all up:
Shorty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
Boots for the Fuhrer. (For the Fuhrer)
The four club was full of that dirt
He fixed the doors. (He fixed the doors)
Last thing you know,
Shorty went "Row, row, row, row, row, row, row, row."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a golfer and a climber?
A golfer goes whack......s**.... A climber goes s**..........whack.
How many points do you get if you hit a golfer?
Fore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a golfer stabbed a Mexican the other day....
it was a hole in Juan
Why was Tiger Woods such a good golfer?
He practiced more-- Tiger played an 18-hole course every day, and then played another 18 holes over the course of the night.
90 year old caddie
A man was looking for a new caddie one day when his friend said " I know a great caddie - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk""OK then " said the man "tell him I'm playing again in a week.
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddie "did you see where it went" The caddie then said "yes""
OK then where is it?"
The caddie replied "I forgot.
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...
The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
On the back of u/baldillin
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
Who is a golfers favourite singer?
Birdy!
An avid golfer meets a woman on the golf course...
...and they decide to spend the rest of the day golfing with each other. Enjoying each other's company, the two spend many more weekends golfing and eventually fall in love.
The two get married. That evening as they are about to consummate their love, the woman admits she has a confession. She explains to the golfer that she was born a man, but underwent surgery to become a woman.
The golfer is visibly upset. His face turns bright red and he is silent.
The woman apologizes and says, "I am sorry. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't know how to. I understand if you don't want to make love to me."
The golfer says, "It's not that. You've been teeing off from the ladies' tee this whole time!"
A golfer is about to tee off
when his friend and a huge gorilla turn up . His friend asks if he would like to play 9 holes with his gorilla, intrigued, the guy agrees and he tees off, straight into the rough.The gorilla however hits a superb shot and lands it an inch from the hole, the golfer concedes the hole. Next hole, same thing, slices it into the rough, but the gorilla hits an amazing drive, less than a centimetre from the hole, the golfer once again concedes. This goes on until, intrigued once more, he asks his friend what the gorillas putting is like, "same as his driving" answers his friend.
On the green of the 18th hole after a horrible day of golf...
The golfer says to his caddy: "I swear, if I don't make this putt I'm going to drown myself in the water hazard". To which his caddy replied: "You think you can keep your head down that long?"
The Forgetful Golfer
A man was playing a full round of golf and forgot his score card in the middle of his game. Since he did not know what hole he was on, he asked a female golfer who was teeing off what hole she was starting. "This is the 14th hole." The man then knew that he had finished the 13th and continued his game. After he had finished, he saw the same female golfer in the clubhouse and bought her a drink as a thank you. The two started a conversation and he asked her what she did as a job. She blushed, then replied. "You have to promise not to laugh, but I sell feminine hygiene products." The man is laughing hysterically and the woman is embarrassed. "Hey! I told you not to laugh!" she said angrily. He stopped laughing and said "No, no. I'm not laughing at your job. You see I sell toilet wipes and such so I'm the hole behind you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some say Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer of all time.
I say he's sub-par at best.
What do you call it when a golfer misses the hole?
Fore-play
What did the golfer say to his buddy when he hit a bogey?
"I guess you aren't up to par"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a golfer and Harrison Ford?
A golfer **wants** to land on the fairway.
Why do golfers have the best chauffeurs?
Because they're good at picking their drivers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do golfers do on nights out?
**par**ty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
Did you hear about the golfer that bedded the Queen?
He got a hole in one.
How do golfers get away with cheating?
The unfairway
Why did the Golfer feel aladeen about his socks ?
He had a hole in one.
The golfer had to throw away his socks
He got a hole in one
Did you hear about the ambidextrous golfer?
He swings both ways.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... was a keen golfer.....
He even wrote a book on it, it was titled 'How to get out of a bunker with one shot.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a n**... golfer?
Off-putting.
My girlfriend is always hooking, ending up elbow deep in a bush because she swings both ways
She's a terrible golfer
I've been golfing for a few months now. I'm no professional golfer.
If I were I'd be under scrutiny by the SEC.
Why was the young golfer so angry?
Because he was having a rough day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...
The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.
'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'
The golfer looked up and replied, 'I'm sorry old chap, I'm English and I'm afraid I couldn't understand a word you were saying'
The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you'll get more in!'
what did yoda say to a golfer
May the course be with you
Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa?
Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied.
What are golfers afraid of?
The bogey monster
Why was the golfer in such poor health?
Because by the third hole he had already had 14 strokes.
Who was the the most successful black golfer before Tiger Woods?
two-putt Shakur
What do you get when you mix lemonade and ice tea?
A dead golfer...
The dyslexic golfer was well on his way to a birdie until he hit a water fowl, killing the golf club's mascot.
No egrets
Why is there no such thing as a great golfer?
The best ones are consistently sub-par.
A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.
"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?
His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.
The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"
Pete responds, "I don't remember."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL: h**... was a very emotional golfer
...Every time his ball went into a bunker, he became suicidal!
Why didn't the golfer wear his lucky socks?
He got a hole in one...
A golfer shot a Mexican..
He made a hole in one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...
St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.
"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"
Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"
The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad s**......"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell the difference between a golfer and somebody suicidal?
One of them is happy to get a s**...
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
What do you call a man with only one ball in his bag?
A very confident golfer!
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
Why did the wannabe golfer fail in life?
Because he had no drive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know that h**... was a bad golfer?
He killed himself in the bunker!
What do you call a golfer who hasn't enough clubs?
Iron deficient.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a narcissistic golfer with dementia?
Roy Moore is an excellent golfer.
He can finish in 14 holes.
why should golfers wear two shirts?
in case they get a hole in one
Why couldn't the golfer sleep?
Because he'd had 18 tees.
Golfer Kelly Kraft did something exceptional today
He managed to get a birdie and yet still missed the cut
