Golf Jokes
190 golf jokes and hilarious golf puns to laugh out loud. Read sport jokes about golf that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of golf jokes. From puns to one-liners, we've got jokes for every level of humor.
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Funniest Golf Short Jokes
Short golf jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golf humour may include short tennis jokes also.
- I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
- Trumpty Dumpty Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the golf courses and all the white men
Couldn't Make America Great Again - Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that's where the winner has the lowest score.
- Just got scammed out of $15. Bought tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
- Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.
- A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide". - "Why do dads take an extra pair of sock when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
- I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!
- Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway… I'll play golf wherever I want!
- I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches. Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!
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Golf One Liners
Which golf one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golf? I can suggest the ones about soccer and fairway.
- Four rabbis were golfing
- You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing. Just in case you get a hole in one.
- Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.
- What ruined Tiger Woods' golf career? His driving game.
- I like my women like I like my golf scores In the mid 70's with a slight handicap
- I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf
- How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
- I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.
- Why do Catholic priests like golf? Because most of the holes are under 18.
- Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.
- There is only one sport in which I can get a high score. It's golf.
- Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver
- Why would you wear two pairs of pants while golfing? You might get a hole in one.
- I got in to a gun fight with a mexican at a golf club. I shot a hole in Juan.
- What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'
Golf Course Jokes
Here is a list of funny golf course jokes and even better golf course puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.
- Why don't golf courses ever serve sandwiches? They always turn out to be sub par.
- What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.
- Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches? "Not a huge fan."
- Have you heard about the haunted golf course? It had a bogeyman.
- Why do Dads bring an extra pair of socks to the golf course? In case they get a hole-in-one!
- I was on a golf course once and heard a guy yell "FOUR!" I ducked and the ball narrowly missed my head. But the other three beaned me good.
- A Hispanic man was shot on a golf course mid-swing The police report simply stated:
"Hole in Juan" - Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course? It too has 36 championship holes.
- What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course? There's only 18 holes in a golf course.
I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing.
Golf Hole In One Jokes
Here is a list of funny golf hole in one jokes and even better golf hole in one puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is good for golf and bad for socks? A hole in one.
- Went golfing with a buddy, and I asked him why he brought an extra pair of socks. He said, "In case I get a hole in one."
- My Dad who plays golf. I always asked dad why he bought an extra pair of socks when he played golf. Told me in case he got a hole in one. 😂
- Guys, golf is literally so easy.... I've played one hole and I've got 47 points
- Borrowed a pair of my stepdad's socks the other day He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.
They have a hole in one. - Why did the golfer wear 2 shirts when he went golfing? In case he got a hole-in-one!
- I never wear golf socks. They've always got a hole in one.
- Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one
(stolen from some girl at school) - Why does Luigi bring an extra pair of overalls when he golfs? In case he gets a hole-in-one
- I heard that tiger woods takes an extra pair of trousers with him when he plays golf. It's just in case he gets a hole in one.
Golf Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny golf day jokes and even better golf day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
- The doctor said that I can't play golf. He must have seen me playing the other day.
- Why is it important to play a round of golf on the morning of your wedding? That way the whole day isn't shot.
- Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete. 18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.
- Tiger Woods hit 18 holes day And still had time to play golf
- I bought my dad a golf kit for Father's Day His name is Joel...
- The other day I was golfing, and decided to bring another pair of pants. Just in case I got a hole in one.
- What does Trump enjoy on hot day after golfing? A so-called lemonade, a so-called air conditioner, and his so-hot daughter.
- Tiger Woods goes through 18 holes in one day... And he STILL has time for golf.
- I played golf in a submarine the other day. It was subpar.
Golf Ball Jokes
Here is a list of funny golf ball jokes and even better golf ball puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hit two good balls out golfing today. I stepped on the bunker rake.
- My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"? I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."
- My friend gave me a new "magic" golf ball. As long as you put to within 3 inches of the pin, the ball will always find its way to the hole.
He did not recommend I keep it in my back pocket. - I have invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if within 4 inches. Don't put it in your back pocket.
- What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.
- The employees play basketball or soccer Department directors play tennis. CEOs play golf!
The higher the position, the smaller the balls... - What do Romans yell when the golf ball is coming toward you? IV
- You know how to smuggle something in a golf ball? First, you have to get a hole in one...
- As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?" The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."
- Why does it take Helen Keller so long to play a round of golf? She reads every ball
Hilarious Golf Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about golf you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean poker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golf pranks.
A Baptist a Catholic and a m**... were talking about their families. . .
The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The m**... says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
Frank and Harry are at their golf club...
As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...
The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
A Very Nice Golfer
There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a f**... procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.
The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
Golf lessons
A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee"
"where?" he asks.
"between the first and second hole," she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."
Why do married men love golf so much?
Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.
A man and his boss are playing golf...
one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
s**... with Twins!
Two friends, Bob and Joe, were playing golf. Bob remarked, "Ya know Joe, last week I had s**... with twins!" "Really?" Joe replied. "How could you tell them apart?" "Well," Bob answered, "the brother had a moustache."
A woman is playing golf...
... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:
Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."
Man: "Where were you stung?"
Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."
Man: "Your stance is too wide."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....
One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
A golfer and heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ...
... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide."
A Jew, A Catholic, and a m**... are in a bar discussing their families...
...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The m**... says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"
If I die...
If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...
Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.
Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.
Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...
After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."
a golfer stabbed a Mexican the other day....
it was a hole in Juan
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a f**... procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
On the back of u/baldillin
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
Why did the golfer take a spare pair of trousers with him?
Incase he got a hole in one!
"My relationship with golf is starting to suffer"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah.. We're going through a rough patch"
A man enters a golfing tournament...
... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less p**...!)
A woman is out playing golf...
...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.
"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"
"Right between the first and second hole," she tells him.
"Hmmm," he says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."
Two men are playing golf near a country road...
When they see a f**... procession go by. One of them stops playing, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The other says "thats very decent of you, to stop playing and pay your respects." The first one responds "Well I'd think so; we were married for 52 years."
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
My dog can speak English.
My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf
There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he had a hole in one.
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course
As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.
The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**
Husband has 6 months to live
Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."
A guy buys a golf course...
It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.
Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.
Just in case they get a hole in one.
There were two guys playing golf, and a f**... passed
so o**... stopped, and waited for the f**... to pass before continuing with his game.
His companion complimented him on his respect for the f**..., to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'
A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.
The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."
Marriage jok
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?
Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.
A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.
She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long f**... procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a g**...?
Guys will actually look for the golf ball.
A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
A man went to China.
He hired a p**... to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.
The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.
Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver?
One goes:
*Whack*, "Darn!"
While the other goes:
"Darn!", *Whack*
PS: Not sure if this was posted before, but i think it's still funny.
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall.
They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.
Why did the golfer buy two pairs of socks?
He was afraid he'd get a hole in one
^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out
A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course
She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.
"Where was she stung?", asked the doctor.
"Between the first and second hole.",
"Well she may need to work on her stance."
Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday
and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?
A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a p**....
He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.
The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his p**... used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen turns to him and says, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
