Golf Day Jokes

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.

The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God d**..., I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God d**..., I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD d**... I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God d**..., I missed".

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “b**..., come!”
b**... entered and was told to do his stuff.
b**... immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have s**..., I bathe in the sun, and then I have s**... twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then s**... pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have s**... until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*

Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Golf Match.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Reincarnation.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun, then have s**... a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more s**... until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"

Tiger Woods playing golf.

Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.

A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"

Golfing rage.

A man and his wife are out golfing one day. The wife tees off and breaks a window on an expensive looking house. Feeling guilty the man decides to talk to the owner and pay for the damages.
They knock on the door, but nobody seems to answer. Being the nice couple they were they enter the house to leave a number. A man calmly walks down the stairs and proclaims "I am a genie and I own this house, since I am a generous man I will grant you two 3 wishes but as you see I am very lonely having no contact with hardly anyone the only thing I as is for granting you these 3 wishes I would wish to have s**... with your wife. The couple talk it over for a while and agree to the genie. The first wish, the man asks 'I wish for a million dollars.' 'done' says the genie. The wife says, 'I wish for a house on every corner of the earth.'
'done'
'As for the last wish, I wish for a cruise ship.'
'done.'
His wife then leaves upstairs with the genie, after a couple hours the genie and his wife come down the stairs.
'So how was?' says the man.
'Good, but it surprises me you still believe in genies!'

A guy buys an old brass lamp at a flea market

He takes it home, and starts to clean it up. He rubs it a few times with a polishing cloth, and a genie pops out.
The guy says, "Hey, look at that, a genie. I get three wishes, right?
The genie says, "Sorry, no. People were wishing for all kinds of crazy stuff, so we had to cut it down. You get to choose from one of two wishes. You can wish for a better s**... life, or a better golf game.
The guy thinks about it for a bit, and says, "You know, my short game hasn't improved in years, no matter how hard I try. I'd like a better golf game."
The genie says, "Really? I haven't been at this genie thing for that long, but you are the first guy I've had who wanted a better golf game. You must get more chicks than Hugh Hefner.
"Oh, nothing like that."
"But still, you must be getting it two or three times a day."
"Be serious"
"Once a day at least"
"No, not that often"
"Well, what's your s**... life like?"
"I probably average once or twice a week."
"You're getting laid once or twice a week and you don't think that there's room for improvement?
The guy says, "Well, I think I do pretty well for a priest in a small town who doesn't drive."

Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...

to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese h**.... In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his hotel room with a Japanese lady of the night.
As they begin to had a good ole time, she starts yelling almost immediately "Machigatta ana!". Not understanding Japanese, he thinks he is doing an AMAZING job. I mean he has her screaming at the top of her lungs the same phrase over and over "Machigatta ana!!". Thinking she is screaming in pleasure he then proceeds to scream this pleasure phrase as well "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ANA!!!".
The next day the Japanese and American man go golfing. The American man goes up for his turn and hits the ball to which all the Japanese men yell "MACHIGATTA ANA!!". Confused, the American man turns to them and asks "I'm sorry, What does that mean?" To which one of the men replies "Oh, it mean 'Wrong Hole' ".

Taking his son golfing

Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy.
When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard.
"Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"
"OK Daddy!" His son replied.
So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith. Every other shot, it seemed, went into the rough, a sand trap or somewhere other than where he wanted. After a long, hot arduous round, he was ready to hit the 19th hole...but first he had to get the score.
"Ok Timmy, what do you have my score at for today?"
His son pulled out the scorecard and counted up the total and said "I have you with a 72 dad."
"72? That's amazing! That's like 50 strokes lower than my average. Are you sure you wrote down the number I said for every hole?"
"Yeah, you yelled Fore! on every hole."
(For those who don't know about golf, "Fore" is a yell you give when your ball is going in the direction of other golfers)

A rich Texan is visiting Japan....

A rich Texan businessman is visiting Japan, so he decides to hire a Japanese h**.... That night, as they're reaching the c**... of the night's activities, she begins yelling, "Nagasai! Nagasai!" He obviously doesn't speak the language, so he guesses she was yelling "Yes! Yes!".
The next day, the Texan goes to play golf with a group of fellow businessmen who are Japanese. On the green of one of the later holes, one of the businessmen sink a 35 foot, double breaking putt for an Eagle. Remembering the h**... from the night before, the Texan starts yelling "Nagasai! Nagasai!"
The group of businessmen turn to him with faces of confusion. The man who sank the putt then says "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
(I heard this joke this morning on 1310 KTCK in DFW)

A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....

The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room

So, a man goes on a business trip..

To Japan, he gets there during the night and is pretty nervous about the business meeting so he decides to order up a p**..., a fine lady walks into his room and they make love for hours, the entire time she is going wild, taking it from behind and screaming "Machigatta ana" after he finishes he's feeling pretty relaxed so he goes to bed.
The following day he meets up with his business clients and they tell him they are taking him to one of Japan's best golf courses. The man is excited as he loves golf and off they go, all is going well and on the 7th hole, a par three, one of the Japanese men gets a hole in one! All the men are ecstatic, jumping up and down when the businessmen gets an idea, he will impress the Japanese men by using the phrase the p**... used the night before, it must have been something good right?! So he loudly proclaims "Machigatta ana!" And both the Japanese men look back at him puzzled and say "huh? No, That's the right hole.."

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Play around

So corporate exec Joe is flying across the Pacific, when his plane crashes. Joe survives, but finds himself stranded on a desert island, with nothing to eat but coconuts, and whatever seafood he can catch. 10 years go by, with poor Joe having no human contact. One day, as Joe is fishing for his dinner, a beautiful blonde woman comes wading out of the surf, wearing a full body wet suit. She approaches Joe and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Julie", Joe is so excited, all he can say "I'm Joe, and I've been stranded here alone for 10 years". "Wow" reply's Julie "10 years stranded here, I bet you'd like a cigarette" . "Would I ever" says Joe, and with that the young lady unzips a pocket on her sleeve, pulls out a pack of Marlboro reds, lights 2 and passes one to Joe. "Wow 10 years alone on this island" Julie repeats, "I bet you'd like a beer". "Would I ever" replies Joe, and with that the lady unzips a pocket on her leg, pulls out 2 cold Budweiser's, opens them and hands one to Joe. The young lady starts to seductively unzip the front of her wet suit, and says "Wow 10 years alone on this island, I bet you'd like to play around wouldn't you". "Would I ever" says Joe excitedly, "You got golf clubs in there?"

A guy goes to his local golf course...

The club pro asks him if he wants to try out one of their experimental new robot caddies...on the house.
"Sure, why not?" the man says.
He returns after playing 18 holes and raves to the club pro about the caddy. The robot gave him swing tips throughout the round and always chose the perfect club for each shot. It was the best round of his life!
He returns the next weekend and excitedly requests a robot caddy from the club pro.
"Unfortunately, we had to dispose of all seven of our robot caddies recently", said the club pro.
"What!?, why!?" exclaimed the man.
"Well, the chrome plating of the robots was very shiny and, on sunny days, it was distracting some of our older members", said the club pro.
"That's simple! Why didn't you just paint them black??" Screamed the man.
"We tried that", the club pro said. "Six of them didn't show up for work the next day and the seventh robbed the pro shop!"

a man goes to japan on a business trip

...and he is bored on his first night so he hires a p**.... she comes to his room and he furiously screws her. the entire time, she is saying "hoshi mota HOSHI MOTA HOOOSSHIIII MOTAAAAA!!!!!!!" he thought the s**... was wonderful. the next day, after a business meeting, he goes to play golf with his business partners, and happens to score a hole in one. everyone is congradulating him in japanese, and he has nothing else to say, so he says "hoshi mota" his partner looks at him with a confused look on his face and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?

s**... After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**.... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.

A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...

This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"

An American, an Englishman, a German and a Japanese go golfing on their annual meetup...

As they are playing, they hear a ringing sound. The American rushes to his golf bag and pulls out a mobile phone. He answers the phone and when the conversation is done, he explains to his friends, "My company needs to be in touch with me all the time, so I carry this fancy phone around with me." The other golfers are mildlyinterested.
As they continue playing, another ringing sound is heard. The Englishman puts his thumb to his ear and his last finger on his mouth and also has a conversation. When he is done he says "My company also needs to be in touch with me, so they installed a speaker on my thumb and a microphone on my last finger. The antenna is in my hat. The other golfers nod in approval at his technology.
Later in the day, yet another ringing sound is heard. The German tilts his head and starts talking. When he is done he says to the others, "To keep in contact with my company, there's a speaker in my ear canal and a microphone in my tooth. The antenna is in my spine." The other golfers are impressed at such marvels of technology.
As they are playing the last hole, a beeping sound is heard and the Japanese runs into the bushes. After he hasn't shown up for a while, the other golfers look for him and eventually find him squatting on the ground, pants down. "Oh, I'm sorry for intruding." Says one of them. "Oh, it's okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right

An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in s**... i**..., she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, as well as her apparent enjoyment because she kept shouting that word.
The next day, he played golf with some Japanese business associates and hit a hole in one. In elation, he shouted out the same word his poule de nuit had been shouting the night before. One of the Japanese gentlemen present, perplexed, asked, "What do you mean "'wrong hole'"?

An American goes to Japan....

...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

On A Desert Island For 10 Years

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

An avid golfer meets a woman on the golf course...

...and they decide to spend the rest of the day golfing with each other. Enjoying each other's company, the two spend many more weekends golfing and eventually fall in love.
The two get married. That evening as they are about to consummate their love, the woman admits she has a confession. She explains to the golfer that she was born a man, but underwent surgery to become a woman.
The golfer is visibly upset. His face turns bright red and he is silent.
The woman apologizes and says, "I am sorry. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't know how to. I understand if you don't want to make love to me."
The golfer says, "It's not that. You've been teeing off from the ladies' tee this whole time!"

A businessman in China (mild n**...)

A businessman in China to meet the CEO of a major corporation decided to loosen up the day before his big meeting by having a call girl come to his room. They are going through the motions and towards the end she exclaims " ding bao, ding bao!"
Afterwards he asked her what that meant, in a shy voice she said that it meant "excellent!"
The next day his meeting went so well that the CEO invited him to a round of golf. The CEO sank a hole in one on the second hole. Thinking it would make him seem cultured, the businessman exclaimed "Ding Bao, sir!".
The CEO paused, looked at him befuddled, and asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Giving up golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."
"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.
So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.
His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

The California businessman

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "What do you mean wrong hole?"

Golf "is" a drag

Bob and his three golf buddies were out, playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to s**... uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong?
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, then apologized for his emotional outburst.
"Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked:" What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"
Oh my God, the other golfers said:"That must have been horrible! "
"Horrible? You think it's horrible? "Bob cried in disbelief;" It was worse than that!!!!Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."
"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."
So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.
"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."
"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."
"What was that?" the co-worker asks.
"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.
EDIT -- corrected punch line.

Golf jokes today is it? Here's mine

A three-man group, a doctor, a priest, and an engineer are playing a golf course on a beautiful summer day. After a few holes they realize the group ahead of them is progressing incredibly slowly; the doctor flags down the groundskeeper and asks "What's taking them so long? I've got patients to see this afternoon!"
The grounds keeper explains, "Well, we had a fire in the clubhouse a few years back. A group of firefighters was able to save it, but they lost their sight in the blaze. Since then, we allow them to play for free whenever they like."
The doctor responds, "That's terrible! I'll speak with the ophthalmologists I know, perhaps one of them can help these poor men."
The priest nods before adding, "I'll keep these men in my prayers and see about getting donations from my congregation for the families"
The engineer looks at the doctor, priest, and groundskeeper and asks, "Why can't they just play at night?"

Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

A Husband Wonders How His Wife Would Move On If He Died

One day, a husband is wondering what his wife would do if he suddenly died.
"Darling," he says. "If I was to suddenly die I don't want to feel like you could never find love again."
His wife shakes her head. "Oh, it would be difficult at first but I think I would manage."
The husband thinks for a moment and asks, "would you let your new man use my things?"
"Which things," asks the wife.
"Hmm. What about my aftershave - you know, the one you really like. Would you let him use that?"
The wife thinks for a moment. "Yes, I don't see why not."
"Ok," says the husband. "What about my CDs. Would you let him use those aswell?"
Again the wife pauses for a moment before answering. "Yes, I can't see that would be a problem."
The husband nods in agreement. "Yes, that's fine. But what about my golf clubs? Would you let me use those too?"
The wife answers without pausing this time.
"Oh no darling, of course not. He's left handed."

A doctor is walking down the street...

...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"
The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"
The man says "Well, it's funny you ask. I was walking down the beach one day when a bottle happened to wash up on the shore. I picked it up and a genie came out in the form of a beautiful woman! She told me I could have anything in the world that I wanted. I told her that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and that my wish was that I could have s**... with her. She said 'I'm sorry mortal, but that is one wish I can't grant you.'"
Confused, the Doctor asked "Well, what did you wish for?"
The man replied "I thought about it, then I said 'Well, if we can't have s**..., how about a little head?"

Moses, Jesus and a third man are playing golf one day.

Moses is up first. He hits a nice shot, but it dips and lands in a water trap. Moses quickly raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls out of the trap.
Jesus is up next. He hits an almost identical shot, again landing in the water trap. The ball hovers a few inches over the surface of the water, and Jesus casually strolls out and chips the ball up onto the green.
The third man is up last. He hits a long shot, but it's going in a wrong direction. It flies off the course to the left and into traffic. It hits a truck and bounces off, landing on the roof of the pro shop and rolling down the roof until it bounces down the course. It lands in the same water trap. A frog takes the ball in its mouth when suddenly a hawk flies down, picks up the frog, and as they fly over the green the frog drops the ball into a hole for a perfect hole-in-one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

So an old buddy of mine went to prison...

He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"

Cheating Golfers

An old married couple were golfing one day. On the first hole, the husband stopped mid-swing and broke down. "I can't take it any more, I have to tell you! 20 years ago, just before we were married, I cheated on you with your best friend Sally!" His wife said, "Oh, why even bring that up- it was so long ago. I forgive you sweetheart". The husband was relieved, and they continued the game. On the 18th hole, his wife stopped her s**... mid-swing as well, and broke down. She said, "I have something to confess as well. 25 years ago, before we were married, I had gender reassignment surgery. I was born a man." Her husband throws a tantrum, and is carrying on all over the tee box when he yells out, "This whole time, FOR ALL THESE YEARS???! You were playing from the Ladies tees?!?!"

Hall s**...

Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have s**... with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get s**... once a month. and if we do its just regular old m**... style s**...." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have s**... with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it m**... and d**...." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have s**... every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of s**... do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall s**...."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall s**...? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been
reading '50 Shades of Grey'......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So--- Here I am!

LIAR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."
"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.
The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" he asked.
"Where did what go?"

A dad puts his little girl to sleep...

And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting

A man goes out to play golf...

...while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five'o'clock comes and goes and the husband hasn't come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
"Where have you been? You said you'd be home by five, it's now eight'o'clock!"
The husband replies with, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf."
The wife is shocked.
"Oh dear! That's awful!"
"I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

s**... After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

Man goes on a work trip to Japan.

A man travels to Japan for work. After a few weeks he gets lonely and hires a p**.... They get down to business, but right away she starts yelling "machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
Not speaking a word of Japanese he thinks she must be really enjoying it. He finishes up and she collects her things quickly, grabs the money scowling all the time and slams the door on the way out.
The next day his boss takes him out for a round of golf. On the third hole he tee's up, takes a swing and it flies true and lands a whole in one! He's so excited and wants to show off the Japanese he learned. "Machigatta ana" he screams!
He boss looks confused... "No, you got it in the right hole... "

Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

Trip to Japan

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan, and he hires a h**.... The whole night the h**... keeps screaming, "Hosthimota! Hosthimota!"
The man doesn't know what the word means, but he's positive he's pleased the h**... to the best of his abilities, and thus assumes it's positive.
The next day he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partners when he makes a hole in one! Everyone is congratulating him, and he can't think of anything to say but, "Hosthimota!"
The applause stop, and one of the business partners turns to him and says, "No, sir. That *was* the right hole.

Buddies

This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you s**... idiot?"

Because he's thinking of getting married..."