Golf Course Jokes
106 golf course jokes and hilarious golf course puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golf course that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Golf Course Short Jokes
Short golf course jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golf course humour may include short golf jokes also.
- A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course... "I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide". - Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.
- What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.
- Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches? "Not a huge fan."
- I was on a golf course once and heard a guy yell "FOUR!" I ducked and the ball narrowly missed my head. But the other three beaned me good.
- Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course? It too has 36 championship holes.
- What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course? There's only 18 holes in a golf course.
I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing. - I was at a golf course... And I asked a lady, who looked like a regular "Whats the distance between hole one and hole two?". She answered "About an inch".
- As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?" The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."
- I recently opened a combination sandwich shop/mini golf course I thought it was a good idea, but the reviews said the experience was sub-par
Share These Golf Course Jokes With Friends
Golf Course One Liners
Which golf course one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golf course? I can suggest the ones about golf club and golf tournament.
- How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
- What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'
- Why don't golf courses ever serve sandwiches? They always turn out to be sub par.
- Have you heard about the haunted golf course? It had a bogeyman.
- What do you call a low-quality golf course? Subpar.
- Golf jokes and puns are pretty bad But that's just par for the course.
- Golf Course How did you break your leg? I fell off the ball wash.
- I feel bad for the people that mow the edges of golf courses. They have a rough job.
- Why did the elephant take off his socks at the golf course? He got a hole in one.
- Why were all of the British politicians crying on the golf course? Par-lament
- Guy died at a golf course recently Poor bloke fell off the ball washer
- Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course?
A: The 19th hole. - Tiger Woods plays 18 holes. Both on and off the golf course.
- Why aren't you allowed alcohol on a golf course? Because it's a crime to drink and drive.
- Why did h**... storm off the golf course? He quit after one shot in the bunker.
Hilarious Fun Golf Course Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about golf course you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golf ball jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golf course pranks.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course.
"
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
Dave and John are playing a round of golf...
Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
On the back of u/baldillin
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
my old man had a joke from his days in the Air Force
Background: my dad was a biomed tech and did work for all branches throughout many areas.
One day, he's at a Navy submarine repair station. as him and his buddy are walking in, 2 Navy guys see em and say 'Air Force? what are you guys doing here? where are they going to put the landing s**...?'
the other Navy guys says, 'fuck that, where are they going to put the golf course?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man enters a golfing tournament...
... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less p**...!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Nancy Grace going horseback riding?
One's a hunt on a course...
Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...
-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.
I saw a rabbi blessing food while golfing.
I mentioned that it seemed strange, but he told me it's parve for the course.
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A guy buys a golf course...
It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.
An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...
The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."
The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."
The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him. He should have warned us that might happen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found a dead g**... the golf course
It was a difficult shot, but I was able to chip it over her head and right up onto the green.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man returns home from the golf course...
His wife asks him why he no longer plays with j**..., a long-time friend. He replies:"Would you enjoy playing with a swearing, rude cheat?"
His wife says "No, of course not".
Her husband answers:"Well neither does j**..."
Some people think that preventing injuries on a golf course is difficult.
But it's quite simple really, when you put two and two together.
English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"
Why did the old man get kicked off the nudist colony's golf course?
He kept leaving ball marks on the greens.
As I was finishing a round of golf during a lightning storm, I was suddenly struck
...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!
Today's Headline: The local golf course has been having a lot of trouble with gangster grass related issues. A patron is quoted as saying...
" It's an all out turf war. "
What did the broke zombie amusement park say to the wealthy vampire golf course?
I just need to get fundead.
Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...
He looked thoroughly worn out.
"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's h**...'s favorite part of a golf course?
The bunker
A blonde comes back from the golf course, she's despondent. It had been a horrible game.
"What was wrong?"
"I *scratched* . . . ON EVERY HOLE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man went to China.
He hired a p**... to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.
The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.
Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
I was working as groundskeeper on a golf course...
...when a lady came up to me and complained of getting stung by a wasp between the first and second holes.
I told her she needed to close her stance a bit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the best part of having s**... on a golf course?
The hole experience.
Blind Golfers
One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go." The engineers said, "can't you just golf at night?"
Did you hear about the guy that broke his neck at the golf course?
.... he slipped and fell off the ball washer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a woman do with her as#hole before she has s**...?
She drops him off at the golf course.
The person ahead of us today in mini golf completed the course in 23 strokes.
I hope they're okay.
Mike Huckabee is interviewing donald trump...
Huckabee, asking the tough questions: "So we've seen you in your stylish golf clothes on the course, and your sharp bespoke suits when you are at work, but the American people want to know what the president really wears, boxers or briefs?"
trump: "Depends..."
Huckabee: "Depends on what, your mood, the situation, if Malania is around?"
trump: "No, just Depends."
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
Did you hear the one about the skydiver who liked to land on golf courses?
He made a hole in one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"The goal of golf is to play less golf"
"Yes, but I get much more value for my money per s**..., and I get to explore parts of the golf course that were never meant to be explored."
A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel
Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"
Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"
Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."
Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"
Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."
The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"
Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"
Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"
Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."
An elderly man takes his grandson golfing,
Once they were at their first hole the grandfather remarks, y'know when I was your age I could hit the ball right over that big ash tree over yonder. The boy looks and sees it is quite a hit and not wanting to be out done he whacks one right dead center and it sticks right in the trunk. As he stood there impressed by his grandfathers feat, the man finished his comment, 'course when I was your age that tree was 'bout 3 feet tall
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ladies at the Golf Course
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a n**... man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either." After a very considered inspection, the third finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club.
What do you call a basic university class on golf facility management?
A coarse course course.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a s**... change on a Mexican golf course?
A hole in Juan
At a multi hole golf course somebody once asked "what hole do I go in?"
Somebody else screamed out "whatever hole she lets you in"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the mini-golf course owner put a live donkey in the last hole?
The move was completely a**...-in-nine.
I like The Teletubbies..
It's my favourite TV show about four chubby aliens that live on a giant miniature golf course.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a s**... club?
During daytime hours they're both sub-par
It was a beautiful summer day.
Birds were singing and a lovely smell of newly cut grass came along with the wind. I saw some gentlemen in the distance, all dressed up in fancy expensive clothing. One of them spotted me and started to wave and calling out my name. I gladly waved back at him, even though I had no idea who he was, but then it hit me...
That was the last time I went daydreaming on a golf course.
Signed,
Mr Fore
In my state they've allowed golf courses to reopen and they adjusted the social distancing rules when golfing so now...
...you only have to be fore feet apart.
Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course...
Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Etiquette for golf is that it is not the done thing to argue about the score on a course.
But here were three members screaming at one another and play had stopped. The club official was called.
"What's the problem here?", he demanded.
"Well" said one player, "my partners had a s**..., and these two b**... want to add it to my score."
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trumpty Dumpty
Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the golf courses and all the white men
Couldn't Make America Great Again
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a guy decides to walk to the bar by strolling across an adjacent golf course.
So a guy decides to walk to the bar by strolling across an adjacent golf course. As he walks he picks up stray b**... and stuffs them in his pants pocket. Later, seated at the bar he notices the lady next to him staring at the huge bulge in his pants. "Golf b**...," he explains. "You poor man," the lady exclaims. "And here I thought my tennis elbow was bad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends were out golfing one morning.
One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a f**... processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.
That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.
Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.
