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Golf Club Jokes

111 golf club jokes and hilarious golf club puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about golf club that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Golf Club Short Jokes

Short golf club jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golf club humour may include short golf course jokes also.

  1. Three golf clubs walk into a bar. The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.
    The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
    He replied No thanks, I'm the driver .
  2. Grandpa said he wanted to be buried with his golf clubs But this is taking forever and my arms are tired!
  3. A man was playing golf with his son Boy says "dad can't you use a club like everyone else?"
  4. Two guys are drinking at the country club bar... First guy says, "Hey, you want to go play some golf?"
    Second guy says, "No, not today."
    "Why not?"
    "Because I never drink and drive."
  5. A man and a golf club walk into a bar. The golf club asks for a drink but the man refuses. When the golf club asked why, the man replied,
    "Because you'll be driving later."
  6. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
  7. My friend and I are gonna try a "wife swap" I need golf clubs and he's hoping to get a truck
  8. Last night, my friends and I drank beer and pretended to be golf clubs. I was the designated driver.
  9. Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon? Because he had a membership.
  10. Did you hear about the golf club for introverts? They had to close within the first year because nobody showed up.

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Golf Club One Liners

Which golf club one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golf club? I can suggest the ones about golf ball and golf swing.

  1. I got in to a gun fight with a mexican at a golf club. I shot a hole in Juan.
  2. Why couldn't the golf club get a drink at the bar? Because it would be driving later
  3. A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs.. so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.
  4. What's the best wood to make a golf club out of? Taiga Wood
  5. I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife! It was a great trade.
  6. What do you call a golf club in the rear of your car? A backseat driver
  7. What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club? Harry Putter
  8. What do you call an Ethiopian child with an abnormally large toe? A golf club
  9. What's a russian's favorite golf club? A putin wedge.
  10. What's a german's favorite golf club? The nein iron!
  11. If you're playing golf but it's getting dark, what club do you use? A Night Club.
  12. Why can't you drive a semi-truck anywhere? Golf clubs are made too poorly.
  13. Just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife. Best trade I've ever made
  14. Are you bad at golf? Swing by and join the club.
  15. Man my brush strokes are horrible I think I should've used a club to golf instead

Golf Club joke, Man my brush strokes are horrible

Hilarious Golf Club Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about golf club you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golf tee jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golf club pranks.

I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!

A m**... has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a s**..., drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."

Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you kill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."

Prices

So I'm sitting there, talking to my friend about the price of buying new York city. When out of nowhere, this girl screams out "OH MY GOD ITS A GOLF CLUB" now naturally, being the s**... person I am, immediately snap my neck 90° and feel my bones shatter. So I scream "gosh darn I broke my neck over a golf club".
Turns out someone got a golf club stabbed through their chest.
I guess it was a real shattering experience for me!

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

Frank and Harry are at their golf club...

As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."

Jesus and Moses are playing golf.

After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."

You hear they are letting women into the Augusta national golf club?

They recieve green aprons instead of green jackets.

A middle aged couple had gotten their tax return . . .

and they were arguing over how to spend it. The husband wanted to spend it on a new set of golf clubs, while the wife insisted they use it to buy a new dishwasher. Seeing they were getting nowhere, the husband suggested, "All right, let's make a bet. Whoever has the hairiest chest gets the money. Deal?"
"Deal!" said the wife. She then promptly lifted her skirt, removed her p**... and said smugly, "I win!"
"That's not a chest!" insisted the husband.
"Oh no?" said the wife. "Before we got married it was your hope chest. Since we've been married you've used is for your tool chest. And if I don't get that dishwasher, it's going to be a community chest!"

If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"


"No. She's left-handed."

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

Golf rules are frustrating

Just got new clubs and still can't hit my handicapped brother...

Two men were playing golf..

when the man about to tee off noticed a f**... procession moving down the road next to the golf course. He stopped, put his club away, took off his hat and waited respectfully for them the pass. "My friend that was a very decent and respectful gesture" his friend commented. "The least I could do, I was married to her for eighteen years after all"

Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

So i went to Walmart today...

... and asked customer service for gta5. She was confused so I told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks people with his golf club. She came later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go golfing

They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual.
One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge.
The priest immediately chimes in and says, "I am going to pray for these men everyday in my church to help their well being."
The doctor then exclaims, "I am going to get the best medical care in the country to research a possible way to help these men."
The engineer then says, "Why don't they just golf at night?"

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**

What's a golf club's favorite type of music?

Swing!

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

A guy buys a golf course...

It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.

A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)

Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

Marriage jok

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

I hate Asian drivers

They just do not stand up to the quality of golf clubs I can find in America.

Why can't the no-armed man drive?

He can't hold the golf club.

A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a f**... drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.
His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."
His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married to her for 40 years so I figured I owed her that."

a Tiger walks into a bar...

er i think i heard it was a golf club...

The dyslexic golfer was well on his way to a birdie until he hit a water fowl, killing the golf club's mascot.

No egrets

A golf club walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him. Why not? asks the golf club.
The bartender replies, Because I know you're going to be driving later!

What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp t**... that's covered in Reese's Pieces?

A peanut butter bee-nut putter.

LPT: If you're golfing and don't have the right iron, there are a few ways to approach it.

Oops, wrong club

Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?

I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?", I asked on the phone. I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"
The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."

A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...

"Will you re-marry after I die?"
"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."
"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Will you let another man drive my car?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Well, will you have s**... with another man at some point?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Will you let another man use my golf clubs!?"
"Nah. He's left-handed."

I found out why I can't play well with my new golf clubs.

They have a loose nut on the grip. 😜

Bob and John asked Steve to play golf.

-But I don't know how to play golf, said Steve
-It's easy, said Bob. You just need a club, a ball and a hole. Luckily I've got a club.
-And I've got a ball, said John
Steve paused for a while, then said;
-I ain't playing!

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

The boys at the gay golf club call me 1 s**...

I don't play golf

Carl Lewis goes to a golf club

The doorman stops him and says, sorry mate, no b**....
Carl says, "What?"
The doorman has to concede, "Yeah sorry mate, it's a bit unconventional nowadays but this is an all white golf club. But there is another Golf Club about 10 minutes down the road..."Carl: "But I'm Carl Lewis" Doorman: "Alright, 5 minutes down the road then"

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, why not?"
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

The cops arrested me when they found me beating a Ford with a golf club.

I was charged with domestic a**....

Ladies at the Golf Course

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a n**... man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either." After a very considered inspection, the third finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club.

A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will
Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I'm gone
Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.
Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
Wife: Well, I'd probably donate them to a church or goodwill I think. Maybe I'll keep a shirt or two for their sentimental value.
Husband: Yeah, of course donating them is probably best... what about my golf clubs? Do you think your next husband will use those?
Wife: Of course not, he's left handed.

I just saw a s**... club across the street from a mini-golf place. Now, I'm pretty liberal, but I think that's taking it too far.

What if you're trying to enjoy a nice afternoon out with your family, but when you leave, your kids have to watch a bunch of losers playing mini-golf?

The Golf Cheat

Wife: Why are you hanging around the house so much? You used to be out on the golf course 3 or 4 times a week!
Husband: I don't have anyone to play golf with.
W: Why don't you play with Bob, you always used to?
H: Bob? HA!! Would you play with someone who demands retakes of every poor tee shot, kicks your ball into the rough when he thinks you're not looking, fudges his scorecard, and swears and throws his clubs when it's not going his way??
W: That's dreadful, of course not!!
H: Neither will Bob.

Why don't you ever see Golf clubs that are "Made in China?"

Because you can't trust Asian Drivers.

The is a s**... club opposite a indoor golf club personally this is disgusting what if you go for a nice family night out and look out the window

And see a bunch of losers playing indoor golf

My local golf club proposed a new rule that people are no longer allowed to play while drunk.

Yeah, I guess there was too many people driving under the influence.

What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a s**... club?

During daytime hours they're both sub-par

A company decides to build a s**... club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...

A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"

Etiquette for golf is that it is not the done thing to argue about the score on a course.

But here were three members screaming at one another and play had stopped. The club official was called.
"What's the problem here?", he demanded.
"Well" said one player, "my partners had a s**..., and these two b**... want to add it to my score."

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."
"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

If I die first, will you remarry, asks the wife.

I'm in good health so why not, says the husband.
Will she live in this house
Its all paid for so yes.
Will she drive my car.
Its new so yes.
Will she use my golf clubs.
No, she's left handed.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a b**... golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.
She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"
Cop "How many times did you hit him?
Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

Two men are playing a round of golf.

The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a f**... cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.
'Wow' says his friend, 'That was very respectful.'
'I suppose so' says the first man, 'Mind you, I was married to her for 40 years.'

Two guys are playing golf.

They're near a road.
One of the guys put a tee in the ground put his golfbal on it and takes his club.
He looks at his ball, begins to lift his club to make a swing when a f**... procession passes on the road.
The guy immediately stops what he's doing and takes a minute of silence untill the f**... procession has gone.
The other one is impressed and says to the guy:
"d**... that's some mark of respect you just showed there".
And the guy replies.
"That's normal. we were maried for 10 years after all."
Sorry for my english

Golf Club joke, Two guys are playing golf.

jokes about golf club