Golf Buddy Jokes
28 golf buddy jokes and hilarious golf buddy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golf buddy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Golf Buddy Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good golf buddy joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three old men
Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir
He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.
To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!
He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Incensed, he asks the shopkeeper "Hey, why the h**... does the tag on this shirt say 100 euro?"
The shopkeeper replies "Monsieur, that is Lacoste."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
my old man had a joke from his days in the Air Force
Background: my dad was a biomed tech and did work for all branches throughout many areas.
One day, he's at a Navy submarine repair station. as him and his buddy are walking in, 2 Navy guys see em and say 'Air Force? what are you guys doing here? where are they going to put the landing s**...?'
the other Navy guys says, 'fuck that, where are they going to put the golf course?'
My favorite golf joke
Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.
First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"
"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia
I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"
"You gotta s**... out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,
"What'd he say? What'd he say?"
"You're gonna die..."
The World's Second Oldest Golf Joke
Pete and his buddy go golfing every Saturday. Pete leaves the house about 10 and gets home about four in the afternoon.
One Saturday, he leaves at 10 but doesn't get home until 9 that night.
His wife asks, "Why so late?"
Pete says, "Bud had a heart attack on the second green."
His wife replies, "So, you been at the hospital with him all this time."
Pete answers, "No. No. After the heart attack all I could do was hit the ball and drag Bud, hit the ball and drag Bud"
So Donald Trump was golfing with his buddy the other day
His buddy said, "So I had a dream about you the other night."
"Really?" Said trump, "About what?"
"People in the hundreds of thousands were celebrating and cheering for you in the streets."
"Oh wow. How was my hair?"
"I don't know. It was a closed casket."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to call 9-1-1 while golfing today
My buddy had a s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My buddy plays golf like a man m**... in a cold shower
No matter how he strokes it's just not going to happen
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said:
"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."
Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven.
He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy "Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and exclaims "This is why I never play with your dad. He always cheats."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Buddies
This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you s**... idiot?"
Because he's thinking of getting married..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hall s**...
Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have s**... with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get s**... once a month. and if we do its just regular old m**... style s**...." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have s**... with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it m**... and d**...." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have s**... every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of s**... do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall s**...."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall s**...? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."
Four men are out golfing...
They were just teeing off when the three men noticed one of their buddies, Jim, was looking a little distraught. Curious, they asked him what was wrong.
"You see that big oak tree over there?" the man replied as he pointed out towards the hole. The other three men nodded. "You see," Jim continued "A few months ago I was out golfing this same course with my wife. I teed off and the ball hit that big oak tree, ricocheted back and hit my wife in the head and she died."
Astounded, the other three men gasped and profusely apologized for their friend's loss. "Yeah I know" Jim said, "I got a 5 on that hole."
Two friends are out playing golf...
One of them is checking out his buddy's clubs.
"Looks like a decent set-up you have there," he says. "But just one question-- why one earth do you carry a 1-iron?"
"Well, I bring that with me just in case there's a thunderstorm," the friend replies.
"What do you mean?"
"Whenever I see lightning overhead, I immediately grab my bag, run out to the center of the fairway, and hold that club straight up in the air."
Taken aback, the first guy asks, "Why would you do that!?"
"Because," his friend says, "Even God can't hit a 1-iron!"
So an old buddy of mine went to prison...
He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"
A man and his wife are playing golf . . .
on an old country course. The man shanks a drive on the back nine and his ball ends up next to a barn. He gets the bright idea to open both the barn doors and hit through rather than hitting around.
He whacks the ball and it flies into the barn. It then hits a beam and ricochets back out, hitting his wife in the head and killing her instantly.
A year or so later he's playing the same course with a couple of buddies. On the same hole, he shanks his drive again and ends up right next to the barn.
They go over to look at his ball and one of his buddies suggests that he open the barn doors to hit through.
"No way, not on your life!" the guy screams.
"Why on earth not?" the buddy asks.
"I hit that exact same shot about a year ago . . .," his voice quivered and his eyes started to mist, "and, and, and, I ended up with an 8 on this hole."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The golfing f**...
Larry's wife dies during the week and above his buddies objections he decides to play in his regular Saturday golf game. He says he ought to get out for a bit, golfing is good therapy. As they are set to tee off on 16, which runs along a busy road, a f**... procession passes by. Larry takes off his hat and stands at attention as the f**... procession passes. "Larry, what are you doing?" Larry responds, "We were married for 26 years--at least I ought to show a little respect for the woman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golf "is" a drag
Bob and his three golf buddies were out, playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to s**... uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong?
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, then apologized for his emotional outburst.
"Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked:" What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"
Oh my God, the other golfers said:"That must have been horrible! "
"Horrible? You think it's horrible? "Bob cried in disbelief;" It was worse than that!!!!Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..
On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.
5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"
Deadly eight iron.
Two buddies were playing a round of golf and off the seventh tee Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
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Golf Buddy One Liners
Which golf buddy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golf buddy? I can suggest the ones about golf pro and golfing husband.
- I had to call 9-1-1 while golfing today My buddy had a s**...