Goldfish Jokes

Last time I had a kiss like that, I was trying to bring my goldfish back to life.

You look like somebody stepped on a goldfish.

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"
The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."
The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

A goldfish likes to muck around the fountain...

So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet...

And she tells the receptionist that she needs to see the vet right away. So the vet comes out and the blonde woman tells him that he has been having seizures.
The vet looked the fish over and said "Well, he looks okay to me,"
and the blonde replies "No, no, you've got to take him out of the water first!"

My wife wants to have a kid...

I bought her a goldfish and told her to wait a few million years.

Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"

A goldfish swims into a bar...

barman asks, "Why the long f**...?"

How do you get a goldfish's attention?

A U! Fish!

A young boy is digging a hole in his garden...

A neighbour walks past and says "what's the hole for?"
The boy replies "my goldfish has died"
The neighbour responds, "it's a rather big hole isn't it?"
The boy replies once more "well yes, its got to fit your cat in it!"

The best part about owning a pet.

You can blame your dog for f**...,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.

Epilepsy

p**... goes to the vet with his goldfish. I think it's got epilepsy he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says It seems calm enough to me .
p**... says, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.

I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today...

The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him "I don't care what starsign it is."

Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains.

Hero of the Soviet Union

[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]
A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.
"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.
A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.

I went in to a pet shop.

I said, Can I buy a goldfish?
The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
I said, "I don't care what astrological sign it is."

I would make a pun about sealife...

But I'm pretty sure half of you would krill me for it.
This is comedy gold(fish).

Ever heard of the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronzefish.

A man took his goldfish to the vet.

"I think that my goldfish is epileptic!" said the man.
"He seems okay; he doesn't look epileptic." replied the vet.
"Well I haven't taken him out of the tank, yet!"

Where do GOLDfish keep there money?

At the river bank!!!

A man takes his goldfish to the vet

A man takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has Epilepsy".
The vet conducts a thorough examination of the goldfish. Then he says to the man "I can't find anything wrong with this goldfish. I don't think it has Epilepsy."
To which the man replies "well you haven't even taken him out of the bowl yet."

So I've been depressed lately.

My therapist suggested I get a pet. After searching I ended up getting a goldfish. I think he's narcoleptic. That's not really helping anyone.

Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when

the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"
Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well he's in your cat"

I was hosting a f**... for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"

A boy was digging a hole in his yard

The neighbor walks up to him and asks why he's digging a hole.
And the boy says "My goldfish died."
The neighbor replied "Oh, I'm so sorry. That hole looks awfully big for a goldfish, though."
The boy turns around at the neighbor and says "Oh, I know. It's because my fish was in your cat."

I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet

However he could only do it once.

I went to the pet shop the other day.

I'd like to buy a goldfish, I said.
Do you want an aquarium? they asked.
I said, I don't care what star sign he is.

There were these two goldfish, sitting in a tank....

One says, "You drive. I'll do the guns."

The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.

The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.

Pulled a gyspy girl last night, she asked if i wanted to go back to hers for a good time

She wasn't kidding, I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

p**... takes his goldfish to the vet

...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.p**... replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
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Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
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Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
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Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?

My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, Can I buy a goldfish?

The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
I don't care what star sign it is!

They say you are what you eat

Well I don't remember eating a goldfish

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank

One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'

Who is the richest fish?

The Goldfish :D

I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

"nice... what's the highest you've been?"
I tried to kiss a goldfish.

A recent survey...

In a recent survey 53% of pet owners said they would let their pet sleep in their bed - I tried it once but the goldfish died

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, You know how to drive this thing?!

My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.

What did the the dancer say when he found proof:
he found evi-dance
What did the lazy person buy at the store?
A Nap-kin
What is a goldfishes favorite story?
Goldilocks
What did the musician say when he was safe?
I'm safe and SOUND.
What do butts like to push best?
b**...
What dinosaur make the best music?
Rap-tors
What does pizza hate to get?
Pizzeria

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other-

How the h**... are we supposed to drive this thing?

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.
Then ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- Is it strong and durable?
- Yes
- Nobody can climb it?
- Nobody
- And nobody but moscovites inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then fill it up with s**... up to the edges

A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."

"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."

A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian Says: We Used My Fishing Rod, So I Get First 2 Wishes.
First: I Want All The Capitalists Out Of My Glorious Country.
Second: I Want A Big Wall Around Russia, Nobody Can Cross.
Then Ukrainian Has A Dialogue With The Fish
- Is The Wall Done?
- Yes
- Is It Strong And Durable?
- Yes
- Nobody Can Climb It?
- Nobody
- And Nobody But Moscovites Inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then Fill It Up With s**... Up To The Edges

I think my pet goldfish has epilepsy.

He's ok swimming around but take him out to play he has a fit.

Farming karma on my cake day: Two goldfish are in a tank, and one says to the other....

Do *you* know how to drive this thing?

Two blondes chatting.

Blonde 1: I have just bought three goldfish.
Blonde 2: Have you got names for them.?
Blonde 1: Yes, I have called this one. One, This one Two and this one Three.
Blonde 2: Why have you called them that?
Blonde 1: Well if one and two dies, I will still have three.