Goldfish Jokes
109 goldfish jokes and hilarious goldfish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about goldfish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out this hilariously funny collection of goldfish jokes! From dead goldfish to goldfish snacks, this list of cheesy jokes will have you cracking up. Read about goldfish memories, fish fricking in a petshop, and more!
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Funniest Goldfish Short Jokes
Short goldfish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The goldfish humour may include short big fish jokes also.
- I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl… He sure wags his tail a lot…
- Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
- My wife thinks we should allow our pets to sleep with us in bed. I finally gave in. After 20 minutes, the goldfish finally settled down.
- When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
- My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Mixolydian, and Pentatonic. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
- My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond. So now I have to look after the fish.
- A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once and my goldfish died.
- I think my pet goldfish has epilepsy. He's ok swimming around but take him out to play he has a fit.
- I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
- What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? A goldfish likes to muck around the fountain...
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Goldfish One Liners
Which goldfish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with goldfish? I can suggest the ones about fish catch and aquarium fish.
- I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
- Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish... Or she's just acting Koi.
- My goldfish died. And I only got to take him on one walk.
- I bought goldfish today and named them One and Two That way if One dies I still have Two
- My Dad always calls me goldfish... I forget why
- How do you make a goldfish old? Take away the G.
- If everyone had the memory of a goldfish. I forgot where I was going with this.....
- I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish So I can carp a DM
- Two goldfish are in a tank. What did one say to another? You handle the guns, I'll drive
- I once had a goldfish that knew how to breakdance But only for 20 seconds.
- Whats's yellow and can't swim? A dead goldfish.
- How do you get a goldfish's attention? A U! Fish!
- Hockey players are like goldfish The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass
- Who is the richest fish? The Goldfish :D
- Ever heard of the goldfish that went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.
Goldfish Memory Jokes
Here is a list of funny goldfish memory jokes and even better goldfish memory puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Goldfish One day, baby goldfish went to ask him father :
"Dad, why do our memories only last for 3 seconds?"
"What son?"
"What?" - I have the memory of a goldfish And a Nobel prize for inventing the device that could extract it.
- My Memory is like a Goldfish. Like a Goldfish, all my memories start with water in front of my eyes.
Just some aqueous humor for you guys. - A Goldfish has memory for up to 5 months The average gamer has memory for about 24 hours
Goldfish Cracker Jokes
Here is a list of funny goldfish cracker jokes and even better goldfish cracker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Y'all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn't contain trace amounts of salmonella? Pepperidge farm remembers.
- Why are goldfish crackers always smiling? Because they're baked..
Goldfish Snack Jokes
Here is a list of funny goldfish snack jokes and even better goldfish snack puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You make me think of goldfish. Cause you're the snack that smiles back ;)
- Why was the man selling goldfish in the alley Because it is the snack that is on crack, goldfish
Uproarious Goldfish Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about goldfish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean catfish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make goldfish pranks.
Last time I had a kiss like that, I was trying to bring my goldfish back to life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole.
The next door neighbor saw him and asked;
"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?"
"My goldfish died, and I have to bury it."
"Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?"
"Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your s**... cat!"
Chuck Norris is the only one who has a silver goldfish.
Why are rabbits never gold?
How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"
Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You look like somebody stepped on a goldfish.
So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...
...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"
The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."
The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"
A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet...
And she tells the receptionist that she needs to see the vet right away. So the vet comes out and the blonde woman tells him that he has been having seizures.
The vet looked the fish over and said "Well, he looks okay to me,"
and the blonde replies "No, no, you've got to take him out of the water first!"
My wife wants to have a kid...
I bought her a goldfish and told her to wait a few million years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A goldfish swims into a bar...
barman asks, "Why the long f**...?"
Child: Dad, I don't like the goldfish...
Dad: Shut up and eat your dinner.
My friend asked me if goldfish suffer from depression
i said "Yes, but very briefly..."
How I display my dominance
I like to sit and eat goldfish in front of Mr. Bubbles to show him who's boss.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best part about owning a pet.
You can blame your dog for f**...,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Live Shark
"Can I buy a live shark here?"
"Lady, what do you want with a live shark?"
"A neighbor's cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson."
What is the most expensive type of fish?
A goldfish!
I am not sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with my goldfish...
...it was fine when I put it in its cage last night
Kinda bummed that my pet goldfish died today of a bladder infection.
Although to be fair, I probably should have realized something was up when the bowl kept overflowing.
I met a shy attractive goldfish
She was pretty coy
What do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money?
A goldfish!
Hero of the Soviet Union
[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]
A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.
"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.
A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.
I went in to a pet shop.
I said, Can I buy a goldfish?
The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
I said, "I don't care what astrological sign it is."
I was listening to my German Student perform Goldfish by Debussy...
Unfortunately, his playing was rather Vichy.
I would make a pun about sealife...
But I'm pretty sure half of you would krill me for it.
This is comedy gold(fish).
A man took his goldfish to the vet.
"I think that my goldfish is epileptic!" said the man.
"He seems okay; he doesn't look epileptic." replied the vet.
"Well I haven't taken him out of the tank, yet!"
You have 4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish, An apple w/ 1 bite out of it, Chicken you didn't thaw, & 7 Legos
| Chopped: Moms Edition |
why did the little girl keep a goldfish in her pocket?
To smell like a big girl
A man takes his goldfish to the vet
A man takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has Epilepsy".
The vet conducts a thorough examination of the goldfish. Then he says to the man "I can't find anything wrong with this goldfish. I don't think it has Epilepsy."
To which the man replies "well you haven't even taken him out of the bowl yet."
So I've been depressed lately.
My therapist suggested I get a pet. After searching I ended up getting a goldfish. I think he's narcoleptic. That's not really helping anyone.
Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when
the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"
Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well he's in your cat"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was hosting a f**... for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"
I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a goldfish?
One is a land mammal and one is a fish
Ever heard about the hybrid of a goldfish and a shark?
It grants you three last wishes.
Do you remember who makes goldfish?
Pepperidge farms remembers
I am going to become a comedian for goldfish.
Just need one joke that lasts 7 seconds.
How does a tank goldfish express its feelings
I hate this.
But I can't remember why.
I faked a heart attack to see if one of my pets would go for help.
The goldfish just kept swimming, but the angel fish seemed genuinely concerned.
The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.
The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.
Pulled a gyspy girl last night, she asked if i wanted to go back to hers for a good time
She wasn't kidding, I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish
I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day
With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
They say you are what you eat
Well I don't remember eating a goldfish
I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
"nice... what's the highest you've been?"
I tried to kiss a goldfish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.
What did the the dancer say when he found proof:
he found evi-dance
What did the lazy person buy at the store?
A Nap-kin
What is a goldfishes favorite story?
Goldilocks
What did the musician say when he was safe?
I'm safe and SOUND.
What do butts like to push best?
b**...
What dinosaur make the best music?
Rap-tors
What does pizza hate to get?
Pizzeria
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go
The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.
Then ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- Is it strong and durable?
- Yes
- Nobody can climb it?
- Nobody
- And nobody but moscovites inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then fill it up with s**... up to the edges
A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."
"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go
The Russian Says: We Used My Fishing Rod, So I Get First 2 Wishes.
First: I Want All The Capitalists Out Of My Glorious Country.
Second: I Want A Big Wall Around Russia, Nobody Can Cross.
Then Ukrainian Has A Dialogue With The Fish
- Is The Wall Done?
- Yes
- Is It Strong And Durable?
- Yes
- Nobody Can Climb It?
- Nobody
- And Nobody But Moscovites Inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then Fill It Up With s**... Up To The Edges
Farming karma on my cake day: Two goldfish are in a tank, and one says to the other....
Do *you* know how to drive this thing?
