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Golden Years Jokes

13 golden years jokes and hilarious golden years puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golden years that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Golden Years Short Jokes

Short golden years jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golden years humour may include short old age jokes also.

  1. (My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine? His Gil-Friend!
    Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

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Golden Years Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about golden years you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean growing older jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golden years pranks.

100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city

Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.

When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?
Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!
Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?
Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you?
Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver.
God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest:Who are you?
Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people.
God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?
God: Results, my son, results.
While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!

p**... is a poor Irish farmer...

He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'

The blonde and the mailman

A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door.
"I hear you're retiring," she says.
"Yes, ma'am. I'm turning 65, so it's time for me to enjoy my golden years."
"I see," says the blonde. "Well... would you like to come upstairs with me?"
So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they're done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way.
That afternoon she's having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning.
Her friend is aghast. "Why in the world would you do something like that?"
"It was my husband's idea."
"Your husband's???"
"Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar'."

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"
But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,
"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,
"Pardon?"

h**... tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. Are you ready? St. Peter asked?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged.
Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T.'
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, Today and Tomorrow.
St. Peter couldn't argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. How many seconds are there in one year?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: Twelve! he exclaimed.
St. Peter asked, Twelve? How did you come up with that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of 'em's got at least two days.
St. Peter nodded. I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God's first name?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. Well, that's easy. It's Howard.
St. Peter stared at him. Howard? Where did you get that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake.
The preacher asked why the taxi driver would get a better reward than himself even though he had preached for decades and had devoted his entire life to God. Saint Peter replied that one's place in Heaven was determined based on merit, particularly on how many people one brought closer to God during his lifetime.
The preacher protested, "Merit? MERIT! I headed a congregation of 70+ people for years! I preached my heart out. What did he do?" Saint Peter replied "true, but while you preached, people snored; while he drove... people PRAYED!"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.


Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands e**... and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."