Golden Jokes

From golden retriever jokes to golden wedding speech one-liners, this article provides a collection of humorous jokes about all things golden. Join in the laughter and explore the humor in golden doodles, golden corral buffets, golden girls and state warriors, golden hands and robed kings, golden nuggets and a certain iconic bridge in the platinum sun.

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Golden Jokes with Friends.

Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true

The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.

A blonde movie star is pulled over......

The cops walks up to the car and says "driver's licence please". The blonde says "What's a driver's licence?" The cop impatiently responds, "It's that square thing with your picture on it". "Oh!," exclaims the Blonde and she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the cop. As the cop looks at it, she scratches her head revealing long flowing golden hair*. She then hands it back and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't realize you were a cop."

I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized...

I forgot a condiment.

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

jokes about golden

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.

I said, "Don't jump."

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What denomination?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.

--Emo Philips

Other students come by train

A student to his father:

Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son

Next day, an answer comes:

My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.

A black man and a white man are crossing the golden gate bridge.

When both of them get the urge to take a wizz so they start urinating from the bridge.

The white man comments to the black man how dirty the water is to which the black man replies.

And cold too.

Golden joke, A black man and a white man are crossing the golden gate bridge.

A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.

On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.

Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.

After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.

After 30 minutes on the treadmill he collapses from exhaustion, and says 'fuck me, that was hard work, I could do with a shower.'

Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches?

Because they were only a quideach

Ricky Gervais Tim Allen joke.

β€œWhat can I say about our next two presenters?” Ricky Gervais asked.

β€œThe first is an actor, producer and director whose movies have grossed over $3.5bn at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances, starring in such films as Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Castaway, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The other... is Tim Allen.”

A man goes to see a film alone...

...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.

Β 

The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.

Β 

As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".

Β 

The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."

You can explore golden nugget reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean golden robe dad jokes. There are also golden puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

If I can use dollar bills to make it rain, are dollar coins golden showers?

My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers

(I have kidney stones)

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

How do you make soup golden?

You add 24 carrots.

What do a plate of homemade brownies and a g**... have in common?

u**... for a treat.

Golden joke, What do a plate of homemade brownies and a g**... have in common?

What do you call a nursing home with a buffet?

A Golden Corral.

Did you hear about the gay dog?

It was a Golden Receiver.

A golden retriever walks into a bar

Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."

The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"

The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

We have little Johnny in Australia too.

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom just as his mother is getting out of the bath.

He points at her nether region and asks "mummy, what's that?"

She thinks quickly and replies "that's where god hit me with his little golden axe."

Little Johnny replies "geez, he got you right in the c**t didn't he"

I'm really disappointed after hearing about Trump and the g**... thing.

I thought we had seen the end of republican trickle down economics.

Trump and Melania are in bed...

Melania says she wants to get a few new things for their house. Trump replies about what he'd like in return.. Melania replies "Donald, our shower is already golden"

Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals..

..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776

New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy.

It's called "Ear Bud."

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

Golden joke, Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car c**... on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

a Golden Retriever

what do you call a blonde with brains

a golden retriever

How do you make golden soup?

Add 24 karats

Silence is golden

And it just so happens that duck tape is silver. Either way you will get silence

A man had 3 problems...

A man had 3 problems:

1: He was very poor

2: He had no children with his wife

3: His mother was blind

An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...

Ah, what embarrassment!

After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:

"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."

Did you hear about the g**... club...

Once you're in, u**....

last weekend was my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary

So we threw them a g**....

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

[So proud, my 8yo made this up at Golden Corral last night....] What kind of pasta do you make yourself?

Make-your-owni

You can tell if you drink enough water by your pee.

If it's clear, you've drunk too much water.

If it's a dark yellow, you've not drunk enough

If it's somewhere in between, you're golden.

A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.

*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*

Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a clamorous noise.

The frustrated store clerk yells at the man. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

"I'm just looking around."

Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon...

But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.

What do you call it when a guy gives his mother a g**...?

An Oedipiss.

Why does King Midas have terrible hygiene?

He starts each day with a g**....

What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?

A Golden Receiver.

They say that Republicans no longer embody the Christian values they preach...

That's a little unfair if you ask me. They follow the golden rule perfectly. Whoever has the gold, rules.

I came out to my girlfriend about being a g**... fanatic today...

I told her straight up, Either u**..., or you're out!

They say the golden wind comes in during this month...

Au gust

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

Silence is golden...

... duct tape is silver.

Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

Whoever coined the term "wet nurse" missed a golden opportunity...

A cooler name would have been utili-t**....

Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers.

Then it becomes suspicious.

Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?

Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!

Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?

Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.

He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."

It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, What are you going to do when you finally see it?

I said, Let's cross that bridge when we get there.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city

Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.

Stranger: What is your name, sad lady

Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat

Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

Darling, I must away from this place he turned round for dramatic effect, then thundered. FOR I, AM THOR!

She replied YOU'RE thor? I can barely thtand!

What do you call a pirate that likes golden showers?

ARRRRRRRRR Kelly

I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award.

Golden globes

A classic Russian joke...

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are stranded on an uninhabited island. They build a shelter, catch fish for food and suddenly catch a magical Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom:

The American says: "A million dollars and to go back home!" He vanishes.

The Frenchman says: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!" He vanishes as well.

The Russian look around at the deserted island, and says: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of v**... and the two fellas back!"

A gypsy man was fishing one day when

he caught a beautiful golden trout. This happened to be a magic trout, and it said to the gypsy

"Oh kind fisherman, if you would throw me back I will grant you three wishes!"

So the gypsy didn't think very long, and threw the fish back. Then he said

"For my first wish, I want to be White. For my second wish, I want to be 8 inches long... if you know what I mean. And for my third wish, make is so that all the women in the world will want me!"

So the fish said "Your wishes are granted!"

​

and turned him into a m**... Pad.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you all look out the left side of the plane..."

"... it'll tip over"

(Credit to The Golden Girls)

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

What did the g**... club tell me when the accepted my application?

u**....

How can you tell Odin's sons apart?

Thor has long, golden, amazing hair.


His brother is Balder.

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.

I drew my dog while I was on a boring phone call and I'm really proud of it!

It's a golden doodle.

Two drunks are in a bar

First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?

Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.

Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.

Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.

Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.

Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.

Silence is golden...

Unless you have children...

If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

I was walking down the street with my friend when we noticed a large Golden Retriever l**... its b**...

My friend said: What I wouldn't give give to be able to do that!

I told him…

If I was you, I would pet him first..

A woman once asked me about golden showers.

u**... over your head, I replied.

My dog died. He exploded.

He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half m**... lab.

A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home

As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.

Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.

During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.

The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"

She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you f**..."

They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..

That seems a bit far-fetched to me..

Let's Not Make Jokes About Golden Showers, Alright?

They're p**...-pour.

According to the instructions, you should always play The Golden Eye when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , Pierce film before cooking.

A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.

Aren't you glad they didn't call it a p**... Retriever?

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

Ny wife and I are going on my dream trip to see the Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, What would you do when you finally see it?

Me: Let's…cross that bridge when we get there.

Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts?

They are both suspended.

Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden b**... and successfully wished for a world cup.

Three men died and as soon as they arrive in heaven they meet Jesus

'To enter heaven you must do what I say' said Jesus

He goes to the first man:

'Fernand, kiss my hand, and you're free to go.'

the man kisses Jesus hand and enters the paradise

'Pete, kiss my feet and you're free to go.'

the man kisses Jesus feet and got into the golden gate

When Jesus goes to talk to the third one, he sees the man running away

'Hey Brock, why are you running?'

Remember that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes that make girls laugh. Many of the golden golden shower puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate.

We suggest you to use only working golden golden retriever piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and make them laugh.

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