Golden Jokes
129 golden jokes and hilarious golden puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golden that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From golden retriever jokes to golden wedding speech one-liners, this article provides a collection of humorous jokes about all things golden. Join in the laughter and explore the humor in golden doodles, golden corral buffets, golden girls and state warriors, golden hands and robed kings, golden nuggets and a certain iconic bridge in the platinum sun.
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Funniest Golden Short Jokes
Short golden jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golden humour may include short silver jokes also.
- Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
- My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away.. That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
- (My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine? His Gil-Friend!
Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol - Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
- Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon... But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.
- How can you tell Odin's sons apart? Thor has long, golden, amazing hair.
His brother is Balder. - The 2 Golden Rules of Religion 1) Be kind to other people.
2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!! - [So proud, my 8yo made this up at Golden Corral last night....] What kind of pasta do you make yourself? Make-your-owni
- I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award. Golden globes
- Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the nba finals.. ..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776
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Golden One Liners
Which golden one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golden? I can suggest the ones about yellow and bright.
- What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna? A Golden Receiver.
- What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity
- What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
- what do you call a blonde with brains a golden retriever
- My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers (I have kidney stones)
- What do you call a pirate that likes golden showers? ARRRRRRRRR Kelly
- Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches? Because they were only a quideach
- I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized... I forgot a condiment.
- How do you make soup golden? You add 24 carrots.
- What do you call an intelligent blonde? a Golden Retriever
- If I can use dollar bills to make it rain, are dollar coins golden showers?
- Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.
- Did you hear about the gay dog? It was a Golden Receiver.
- What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.
- What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City? Atlas!
Golden Shower Jokes
Here is a list of funny golden shower jokes and even better golden shower puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Trump and Melania are in bed... Melania says she wants to get a few new things for their house. Trump replies about what he'd like in return.. Melania replies "Donald, our shower is already golden"
- Was my French teacher into golden showers? Oui.
Courtesy of Stewart Francis. - How rich is the President? Rich enough to get golden showers.
- Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK? He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers.
- What do Golden Knights do after their games? Take golden showers
- King Midas doesn't like baths He likes golden showers.
- What do Trump and R. Kelly have in common? Golden Showers.
- Is my French girlfriend fond of golden showers? Oui...
- What does the iconic bridge in San Francisco and my favorite shower have in common? They're both golden.
- What's the difference between the Trump Hotel and the Moscow Ritz-Carlton? The Trump Hotel has golden windows on the outside, but the Ritz-Carlton has golden showers in your room.
Golden Retriever Jokes
Here is a list of funny golden retriever jokes and even better golden retriever puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It's called "Ear Bud."
- What is the difference between a pitbull and a Golden Retriever? A Golden Retriever can sing better.
- I'm trying to remember that movie where the golden retriever becomes an audio technician... Was it... Ear Bud?
- If you want a girlfriend but don't want your wife to know... ...date a blonde and get a Golden Retriever.
- What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most? A Golden Retriever
- What do you call a Golden retriever at a costume party? A Golden deceiver
- I recently found out my wife Nicole is allergic to Toby, my golden retriever It was really hard leaving the pound without Nicole
- For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold.
- Golden Retriever. ...for sale. Has not yet retrieved any gold. May be a faulty model. Should of just bought a metal detector.
- I bought a Female Golden retriever and named her Sophia... Because she's my Golden Girl.
Golden Gate Jokes
Here is a list of funny golden gate jokes and even better golden gate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts? They are both suspended.
- Ny wife and I are going on my dream trip to see the Golden Gate in person. She asked me, What would you do when you finally see it?
Me: Let's…cross that bridge when we get there. - A sign on the Golden Gate Bridge reads: "Now entering San Francisco, chains required… …whips optional"
- Girlfriend and I are visiting San Fran to finally see the Golden Gate in person. "What are we going to do when we see it?" she asks. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."
- Why are there no black people on alcatraz Because it's a golden gated community
- I decided to read War and Peace whilst walking over the Golden-Gate, I'd heard the abridged version was easier to finish.
- A smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Claus all jump from the golden gate bridge at the same time. Who makes the biggest splash? The dumb blonde, because the others don't exist!
- Why is the California golden gate bridge a great compass? It is collapsible
- u/username goes to the Golden Gate Bridge username checks out.
- Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car c**... on the Golden Gate Bridge? He left his heart in San Francisco.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Golden Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about golden you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gold silver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golden pranks.
Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true
The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.
A blonde movie star is pulled over......
The cops walks up to the car and says "driver's licence please". The blonde says "What's a driver's licence?" The cop impatiently responds, "It's that square thing with your picture on it". "Oh!," exclaims the Blonde and she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the cop. As the cop looks at it, she scratches her head revealing long flowing golden hair*. She then hands it back and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't realize you were a cop."
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
Other students come by train
A student to his father:
Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son
Next day, an answer comes:
My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.
A black man and a white man are crossing the golden gate bridge.
When both of them get the urge to take a wizz so they start urinating from the bridge.
The white man comments to the black man how dirty the water is to which the black man replies.
And cold too.
A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.
On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.
Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.
After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.
After 30 minutes on the treadmill he collapses from exhaustion, and says f**... me, that was hard work, I could do with a shower.'
Ricky Gervais Tim Allen joke.
“What can I say about our next two presenters?” Ricky Gervais asked.
“The first is an actor, producer and director whose movies have grossed over $3.5bn at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances, starring in such films as Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Castaway, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The other... is Tim Allen.”
A man goes to see a film alone...
...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."
What do a plate of homemade brownies and a g**... have in common?
u**... for a treat.
A golden retriever walks into a bar
Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"
We have little Johnny in Australia too.
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom just as his mother is getting out of the bath.
He points at her nether region and asks "mummy, what's that?"
She thinks quickly and replies "that's where god hit me with his little golden axe."
Little Johnny replies "geez, he got you right in the c**t didn't he"
I'm really disappointed after hearing about Trump and the g**... thing.
I thought we had seen the end of republican trickle down economics.
How do you make golden soup?
Add 24 karats
Silence is golden
And it just so happens that duck tape is silver. Either way you will get silence
A man had 3 problems...
A man had 3 problems:
1: He was very poor
2: He had no children with his wife
3: His mother was blind
An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...
Ah, what embarrassment!
After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:
"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."
Did you hear about the g**... club...
Once you're in, u**....
last weekend was my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary
So we threw them a g**....
I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners
working in the Flat Earth Society.
You can tell if you drink enough water by your pee.
If it's clear, you've drunk too much water.
If it's a dark yellow, you've not drunk enough
If it's somewhere in between, you're golden.
What do you call it when a guy gives his mother a g**...?
An Oedipiss.
Why does King Midas have terrible hygiene?
He starts each day with a g**....
They say that Republicans no longer embody the Christian values they preach...
That's a little unfair if you ask me. They follow the golden rule perfectly. Whoever has the gold, rules.
I came out to my girlfriend about being a g**... fanatic today...
I told her straight up, Either u**..., or you're out!
They say the golden wind comes in during this month...
Au gust
Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...
She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."
Silence is golden...
... duct tape is silver.
Whoever coined the term "wet nurse" missed a golden opportunity...
A cooler name would have been utili-t**....
Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?
He didn't believe in golden globes.
Golden Toilet
Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"
A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans
Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?
Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!
Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?
Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!
When I was Young
I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.
My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
She said, What are you going to do when you finally see it?
I said, Let's cross that bridge when we get there.
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.
They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.
Darling, I must away from this place he turned round for dramatic effect, then thundered. FOR I, AM THOR!
She replied YOU'RE thor? I can barely thtand!
A classic Russian joke...
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are stranded on an uninhabited island. They build a shelter, catch fish for food and suddenly catch a magical Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom:
The American says: "A million dollars and to go back home!" He vanishes.
The Frenchman says: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!" He vanishes as well.
The Russian look around at the deserted island, and says: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of v**... and the two fellas back!"
A gypsy man was fishing one day when
he caught a beautiful golden trout. This happened to be a magic trout, and it said to the gypsy
"Oh kind fisherman, if you would throw me back I will grant you three wishes!"
So the gypsy didn't think very long, and threw the fish back. Then he said
"For my first wish, I want to be White. For my second wish, I want to be 8 inches long... if you know what I mean. And for my third wish, make is so that all the women in the world will want me!"
So the fish said "Your wishes are granted!"
and turned him into a m**... Pad.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you all look out the left side of the plane..."
"... it'll tip over"
(Credit to The Golden Girls)
What did the g**... club tell me when the accepted my application?
u**....
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
I drew my dog while I was on a boring phone call and I'm really proud of it!
It's a golden doodle.
Two drunks are in a bar
First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?
Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.
Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.
Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.
Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.
Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.
Silence is golden...
Unless you have children...
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.
I was walking down the street with my friend when we noticed a large Golden Retriever l**... its b**...
My friend said: What I wouldn't give give to be able to do that!
I told him…
If I was you, I would pet him first..
A woman once asked me about golden showers.
u**... over your head, I replied.
My dog died. He exploded.
He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half m**... lab.
A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home
As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.
Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.
Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.
During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.
The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"
She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you f**..."
They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,
You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!
Let's Not Make Jokes About Golden Showers, Alright?
They're p**...-pour.
According to the instructions, you should always play The Golden Eye when you are about to make a microwave dinner.
The package says , Pierce film before cooking.
A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.
Aren't you glad they didn't call it a p**... Retriever?
Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!
LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!
The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....
.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.
Dragon Ball Z is real.
Messi collected 7 golden b**... and successfully wished for a world cup.
