Golden Gate Jokes
30 golden gate jokes and hilarious golden gate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about golden gate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Golden Gate Short Jokes
Short golden gate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The golden gate humour may include short garden gate jokes also.
- Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts? They are both suspended.
- Ny wife and I are going on my dream trip to see the Golden Gate in person. She asked me, What would you do when you finally see it?
Me: Let's…cross that bridge when we get there. - A sign on the Golden Gate Bridge reads: "Now entering San Francisco, chains required… …whips optional"
- Girlfriend and I are visiting San Fran to finally see the Golden Gate in person. "What are we going to do when we see it?" she asks. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."
- I decided to read War and Peace whilst walking over the Golden-Gate, I'd heard the abridged version was easier to finish.
- A smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Claus all jump from the golden gate bridge at the same time. Who makes the biggest splash? The dumb blonde, because the others don't exist!
- Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car c**... on the Golden Gate Bridge? He left his heart in San Francisco.
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Golden Gate One Liners
Which golden gate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with golden gate? I can suggest the ones about gates and gates of heaven.
- Why are there no black people on alcatraz Because it's a golden gated community
- Why is the California golden gate bridge a great compass? It is collapsible
- u/username goes to the Golden Gate Bridge username checks out.
Golden Gate Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about golden gate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean san francisco jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make golden gate pranks.
Three men died and as soon as they arrive in heaven they meet Jesus
'To enter heaven you must do what I say' said Jesus
He goes to the first man:
'Fernand, kiss my hand, and you're free to go.'
the man kisses Jesus hand and enters the paradise
'Pete, kiss my feet and you're free to go.'
the man kisses Jesus feet and got into the golden gate
When Jesus goes to talk to the third one, he sees the man running away
'Hey Brock, why are you running?'
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
She said, What are you going to do when you finally see it?
I said, Let's cross that bridge when we get there.
A black man and a white man are crossing the golden gate bridge.
When both of them get the urge to take a wizz so they start urinating from the bridge.
The white man comments to the black man how dirty the water is to which the black man replies.
And cold too.
Heaven clocks
A man dies and goes to heaven. As he arrives there an angel is waiting for him to give him a tour. They enter through the golden gates and go inside a big bright building. There were a big number of clocks running at different speeds and the man was puzzled. He asked the angel what they were.
The angel said: "Here are the clocks of every country, they measure corruption. The more corrupt the country is the faster it's clock goes!"
Amazed, the man wanders around the room but he notices something and asks the angel: "Where is the US clock?"
And the angel says: "Oh, God is using it as a cooling fan!"
A man dies and goes to heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven.
While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.
The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨
Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gave her life to god, so she has no ticks. Honest Abe has told 1 lie, so he has 1 tick¨
The man, thinking hes being smart says ¨what about Donald Trumps clock?¨
Saint Peter answers saying ¨Oh, that's in Jesus's office, its being used as a fan!¨
A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....
....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o'clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says I bet you $100 he does it. Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...
A few minutes later, bartender comes back. I'm sorry man, I can't take your money. I won't lie, I saw this guy on the noon news, I knew he was gonna jump. Customer replies No, no, you won it fair and square. I saw the noon news too, but It looked so rough I never thought he'd do it twice!!
A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.
God to the guy: Who are you?
Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver.
God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest:Who are you?
Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people.
God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?
God: Results, my son, results.
While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!
A blonde and a red head met in a bar after work...
...for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, I'll take that bet!
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.
The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven.
Upon entering the gate, they were halted
by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you
must answer this simple question.". "Which is ...?",
they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",
he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a v**... before I got
married and was still v**... even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a v**... before I
got married but was not after I got married." "Very good",
said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had s**... with
every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,
anytime."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...
my room key."
Have you been a good girl?
Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven.
Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is...?" they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes," she said. "I was a v**... before I got married, and was still v**... even after I got married."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a v**... before I got married, but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had s**... with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
h**... tries to get into Heaven
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. Are you ready? St. Peter asked?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged.
Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T.'
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, Today and Tomorrow.
St. Peter couldn't argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. How many seconds are there in one year?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: Twelve! he exclaimed.
St. Peter asked, Twelve? How did you come up with that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of 'em's got at least two days.
St. Peter nodded. I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God's first name?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. Well, that's easy. It's Howard.
St. Peter stared at him. Howard? Where did you get that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...
Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake.
The preacher asked why the taxi driver would get a better reward than himself even though he had preached for decades and had devoted his entire life to God. Saint Peter replied that one's place in Heaven was determined based on merit, particularly on how many people one brought closer to God during his lifetime.
The preacher protested, "Merit? MERIT! I headed a congregation of 70+ people for years! I preached my heart out. What did he do?" Saint Peter replied "true, but while you preached, people snored; while he drove... people PRAYED!"
A cabbie and a priest die at the same time
... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, "welcome to heaven good sir!" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa.
Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his chart and says, "you'll do" before giving him a somewhat old robe and keys to what looked like an apartment.
The priest looks astonished and asks the angel why he, a priest, is getting this second hand treatment while a cabbie gets the best of the best. St. Peter looks at him and says, "When you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands e**... and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."