Gold Jokes

193 gold jokes and hilarious gold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Enjoy these hilarious "gold" jokes! Find yourself rolling on the floor with these old but gold jokes about bling, hoards of gold, and the three kings offering myrrh! Satisfy your comedy gold fix with this pot of gold!

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Short Gold Jokes
Gold One Liners
Olympic Gold Jokes
Gold Silver Jokes
Gold Medal Jokes
Gold Bars Jokes
Pot Of Gold Jokes
More Gold Jokes

Best Short Gold Jokes

Short gold puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gold humour may include short silver jokes also.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849? Because there was gold up in them/their hills.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
My grandpa warned people the titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

Gold joke, My grandpa warned people the <a href="/titanic-jokes.html" title="Titanic jokes">titanic</a> would s

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about gold can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of gold puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Gold One Liners

Which gold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gold? I can suggest the ones about metal and yellow.

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not.
-
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts
Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because africa isn't a country.
I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament I took gold, silver and bronze.
How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.
2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico
You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
How do you make gold soup ? Put 24 carrots in it
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics? Walking.
The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.
I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion.
Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Walking.

Olympic Gold Jokes

Here is a list of funny olympic gold jokes and even better olympic gold puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics? She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.
Olympic Results for Sailing are out: The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
After one week of the Olympics, the Romanians have taken gold, silver, bronze lead, copper and anything else they can get their hands on.
Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal? He was so proud, he had it bronzed.
"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.." "Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."
"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!"
Why has Mexico never won olympic gold? All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.
What's better than winning gold at the special Olympics? Walking
North Korea athletes... North Korea athletes, who fail to win gold medals in this year's Olympic Games, will have a chance to win gold medals in the next Paralympic Games.
Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Olympics? She was so proud she had it bronzed.

Gold Silver Jokes

Here is a list of funny gold silver jokes and even better gold silver puns that will make you laugh with friends.

They say I'm overconfident Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!
Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!
Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!
I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped. He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.
Gold and Silver walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"
So Gold left.
Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells " au, get outta here! "
Deciding whether to buy gold or silver... ...is an either ore situation
Human-beings get rich as they grow old: Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!
Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!" Gold said "Aukay"
Potassium said "K"
Sodium said "Na"
Argon didn't react.
I brought home some Olympic condoms. I told my wife i was going to use the gold one. She said: "Maybe try the silver one, so you can finish second for once!"
I'm still gold baby!
Olympic Sailing results are in! Denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise
I'm participating in the kleptomania Olympics this year. I plan to take home the gold, the silver and the bronze.

Gold Medal Jokes

Here is a list of funny gold medal jokes and even better gold medal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it.... if it weren't for those medaling kids!
Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn't awarded the gold medal. The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
A Brazilian got the first gold medal The police are already after him.
If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice... I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.
What's better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs.
Caitlyn Jenner decathlon joke Caitlyn Jenner recently confirmed that when she won the decathlon gold medal, she was, in fact, absolutely 100 heterosexual.
She wanted to set the record straight.
Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.
A man wins back to back golds in the Olympics for the decathlon. Ashton was Eaton up the competition

Gold Bars Jokes

Here is a list of funny gold bars jokes and even better gold bars puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Kim Jong Un walked into a bar The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump
Two Jewish guys walk into a bar with a funny looking pile of gold. The bartender asks, "What is this, a racist joke?"
One of the jewish guys say, "No, this is comedy gold!"
Gold walks into a bar the bartender yells, AU!
A gold brick walks into a bar... ...bartender says "AU, We don't serve your type here!"
So an Olympian walks into a bar... and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
A scientist drops a bar of gold on his foot by mistake... "Au!", he exclaimed.
So a gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two point deduction and loses his chances at the gold.
How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention? Au
What does a chemistry teacher says when gold bar fells on his/her feet? Auuuuuuu!
Gold walks into a bar... So gold walks into a bar and than the bartender says AU get out!
I show myself out...

Pot Of Gold Jokes

Here is a list of funny pot of gold jokes and even better pot of gold puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I found a p**... of gold today... Au yeah
Life isn't just going to give you a p**... of gold You have to urn it.
What is the Zombie equivalent of a Leprechaun's p**... o' Gold? Crypt o' Currency.
Since I was a kid I always wanted to find the p**... of gold at the end of the rainbow. But I guess that is just something Irish for.
What's the difference between a little guy with a p**... o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off? One's a leprechaun and the other's a l**...-con.
What do you call a Syrian who tries to scam you out of a p**... of gold? Aleppo Con.
As a black person, what first comes to mind in St.Patricks Day? Is it the color green? The beer? The p**... of gold coins?
Not the gold coins man, just the p**....
In Mexico, you don't find a p**... of gold. You find a p**... of dead bodies.

Gold joke, In Mexico, you don't find a p**... of gold.

Silly Gold Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about gold you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean coins jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make gold prank.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."


I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.

how do you make gold soup?

put 14 carrots in it.

I'll show myself out.

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."

Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"
So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.

A Gynecologist walks into an exam room

Gynecologist walks into an exam room. The woman on the exam table shows the doctor two strange green dots, one on each inner thigh. Puzzled at first, the doctor examines them more closely. He then asks the woman "Would you happen to be a lesbian?" The woman answers "Why, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with these dots!" The doctor replied.. "Tell your girlfriend to get some REAL gold earrings!"

Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

I ain't sayin she a gold digger,

but she did move to California in 1849.

A girl goes to the doctor ..

A girl goes to a doctor to ask about green spots on the inside of her thighs.
The doctor examines them and then asks "Is your boyfriend a gypsy"
Amazed, the girl says "Yes, Why?"
The doctor says "Well, tell him his earrings are not gold"

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.
I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha

Goldilocks was killed last night

The murderers did it with their own bear hands

What do you call an Asian gold digger?

Cha Ching

What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat?

Sofishticated

What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU GUYS!!!

While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins.

I ran in to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."
The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspective on things.
Minutes later, the second son, who had a stocking full of manure, comes running to his father with excitement and says, "Dad! I think Santa brought me a pony! Now I just have to go find it!"
It's all about perspective.

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Having both your legs.

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

My goldfish died.

And I only got to take him on one walk.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

What is 3.14 grams of fool's gold?

It's pyrite.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

Do you have Gold, Titanium, sulfur, and Carbon inside you? If yes.

Then you're
Au t**... S t**... C

Here is some comedy gold for you

,d Au

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.

Olympic condoms (n**...)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"

Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

And the LORD said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Old but gold.

Stolen off the internet. Enjoy

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

Why did the non-binary prospector go out west?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.
So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys later if it works or not.

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank

One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.
The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet potatoes are well-known for being good, traditional potatoes.
The third daughter then says "Dad, I want to marry Bill Maher!" Dad is flabbergasted, and exclaims, "But honey! He's just a common-tater!"

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."
The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,
"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.

But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.

Gold joke, I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and t

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these gold jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.