Gold Jokes

What are some Gold jokes?

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.

He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?

Walking.

The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

Here is some comedy gold for you

,d Au

Olympic condoms (nsfw)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

Why did the non-binary prospector go out west?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU GUYS!!!

What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Having both your legs.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat?

Sofishticated

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Do you have Gold, Titanium, sulfur, and Carbon inside you? If yes.

Then you're

Au Ti S Ti C

Gold and Silver walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.

how do you make gold soup?

put 14 carrots in it.

I'll show myself out.

Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

How to make Gold jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Gold to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Gold? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Gold pick up lines to share with friends.

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