gold Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious gold stories

What are the best Gold puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gold? Well here is a complete list of Gold to have fun with:

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

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What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

---

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What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


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What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



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If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

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Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

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The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

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What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

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Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

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A prospector struck it rich...

so he came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The prospector handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two botles of beer.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

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Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

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Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

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How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

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Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

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My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

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The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

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Nancy and the gold fish

Little Nancy is digging a hole in the back yard when her neighbor looks over the fence.

"What are you doing little girl?"

"My goldfish died, so I'm digging a hole to bury it."

The neighbor smiles:

"But isn't that hole a little big for a gold fish?"

"Not if it's inside your fucking cat."

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What is white and gold and black and blue?

A blonde in a physically abusive relationship.

See you guys in hell.

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An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

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how do you make gold soup?

put 14 carrots in it.

I'll show myself out.

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Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

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So I was going down on my girlfriend...

... and halfway through I said. "Your vagina is so big! Your vagina is so big!"
"OK? but why did you say that twice?" she replied.
"I didn't!"

First one to name the movie will get gold for x-mas! And come on, no googling :)

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A lawyer arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says "good lad! Let me welcome you to heaven! You shall live in a house made of gold, with a yard as far as the eye can see and other luxuries you can imagine!" So the lawyer went in happily.
Then, a priest arrives. He thought "for sure, I will get something better than the lawyer, as I am a man of God!"
But st. Peter says,"welcome! Make your way down the road to the left, and you'll get a standard house as the others."
Outraged, the priest asked " how come that lawyer gets a better treatment than me?"
St. Peter replies "we got plenty of priests in heaven, but this is the first time we got a lawyer!"

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Working in a mental institution

There was a nurse in a mental institution. As he was doing his rounds, he saw a patient dribbling and imaginary basketball and then shooting it. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied, "I get out in 2 months and I'm going to the NBA." The nurse laughed and moved on

The next room he went to he saw a man swinging an imaginary gold club. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied "I get out in 4 months and I'm going to be a pro golfer." The nurse laughed and moved on.

The nurse then visited his final room and saw a man jogging in pace. The nurse said "And what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'll be out in a year and I'm gonna run in the Olympics!"

The nurse walked down the hall to go to the office. On the way he saw a man, naked, covered in peanuts, thrusting. The nurse went in and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I ain't never getting out of here!"

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I ain't sayin she a gold digger,

but she did move to California in 1849.

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A girl goes to the doctor ..

A girl goes to a doctor to ask about green spots on the inside of her thighs.

The doctor examines them and then asks "Is your boyfriend a gypsy"

Amazed, the girl says "Yes, Why?"

The doctor says "Well, tell him his earrings are not gold"

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What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha

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A Gynecologist walks into an exam room

Gynecologist walks into an exam room. The woman on the exam table shows the doctor two strange green dots, one on each inner thigh. Puzzled at first, the doctor examines them more closely. He then asks the woman "Would you happen to be a lesbian?" The woman answers "Why, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with these dots!" The doctor replied.. "Tell your girlfriend to get some REAL gold earrings!"

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Jesus decides to give the apostles a bunch of gifts...

Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.

*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.

Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock.

*this time the apostles were tired of hauling their first rock so each grabbed the smallest pebble they can find thinking they're fine with the gold they got. Judas, learning from his previous mistake, got the biggest rock he could find

Jesus: throw your rocks as far as you could, wherever it reaches and lands, that's the amount of land I'm giving you. Now for your last gift from me, grab 2 rocks.

*everyone grabbed two decent sized rocks except for Judas. Eyeing his small chunk of gold and his small plot of land, he grabbed a small pebble and a big rock just to be sure.

Jesus: sit on your rocks and I'll turn them into your balls.

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After one week of the Olympics, the Romanians have taken gold, silver, bronze

lead, copper and anything else they can get their hands on.

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Wrestling Match

A Ukrainian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.
Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Ukie. He's never lost a match, because of this pretzel hold he has. So, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!! If he does, you're finished !!"
The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment........
As the match started, the Newfie and the Ukrainian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Ukie lunged forward,......... grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't bare to watch the inevitable happen.....
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Ukrainian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded !!..........
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:
"How the hell did you ever get out of that hold?? No one has ever done it before!!...."
The wrestler answered: "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold
but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles, right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could !!"
The trainer exclaimed: "So, THAT'S what finished him off !!...." "Not really"............. replied the Newfie....... . . . . . . . . . . . . "You'd be amazed how strong you get, when you bite your own nuts !!"...

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History class

So Ms. Smith decides to ask the kids questions on U.S. history.
First question:"Can anyone name the first president".
All the kids are quiet but little Yoshi raises his hand "George Washington".
"Correct, you get a gold star".
Second question:"Which president ended slavery?".
Again, all the kids are quiet but little Hideko raises his hand "Abraham Lincoln".
"Correct, you get gold star".
Ms. Smith was agitated at this point "It's sad that the Japanese kids know more about American history than the American kids...".
Then out of nowhere
"Fuck the japs!".
"Who said that!?" Screamed Ms. Smith.
Little Johnny speaks up "Douglas MacArthur, now give me my fuckin star!"

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I have the attention span of a gold fish

It's been staring at me for several minutes now.

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A man speaks to his wife...

He tells her that his "Olympic Condoms" have arrived, "Hun, tonight I'm gona wear the gold and fuck you good!" His wife sighs, "Why don't you just wear silver and come second for a change?"

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Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.

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What is the one thing you don't give to a Jewish kindergartner?

A gold star.

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Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best gold jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty gold gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these gold jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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