The Best 66 Gold Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Gold jokes. There are some gold diamond jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these gold jewelry puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Gold Jokes and Puns
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
​
What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?
Apparently not.
-
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?
They were having a mid-life crisis.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts
You can explore gold hoard reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean gold ore dad jokes. There are also gold puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?
**Ag**stralia
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
Republicans are the true snowflakes...
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
Two goldfish are in a tank...
One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
How do you turn lead into gold?
Start a war.
An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...
An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?
Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
The next person to show me that dress...
...is gonna get a white and gold eye.
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.
" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"
" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."
" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"
" - Gold, obviously!"
" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
What did Sloth say when he found gold?
AU GUYS!!!
I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.
He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,
but only for like 20 seconds...
Olympic Results for Sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?
Because Africa isn't a country.
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
You know the times have changed...
When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
A man walks into a store to buy condoms
He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.
What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?
Having both your legs.
2020 Olympic high jump results
Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."
Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
How do you make gold soup ?
Put 24 carrots in it
I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…
He sure wags his tail a lot…
What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?
An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"
An English bloke's gold ran away..
"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?
Walking.
Here is some comedy gold for you
,d Au
What if Thor become Gold Thor?
He will become an Author.
Students are smart
Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.
Olympic condoms (nsfw)
A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"
I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,
I beat the raining champion.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
Why did the non-binary prospector go out west?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Three Surgeons meet in a bar...
Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys ass and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
because they practice at the best schools
They say I'm overconfident
Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!
Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!
Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!
I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.
But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger"
I told as I was taking away his dental implant.
Goldilocks gets lost wandering in the woods and happens upon the three bears' house
She walks in and sees a table with three bowls of porridge and three bottles of liquor. She's hungry so she eats the big bowl of porridge. She's thirsty so she drinks the medium bottle of liquor. She gets tired so she goes to sleep in the little bed. The bears get back home and the big bear exclaims: "Hey someone ate my porridge!" To which the medium bear responds: "Who cares about your porridge - someone drank my liquor!" The little bear turns to the two and says calmly: "Let's all just relax and call it a day."
A wise man is walking through a market with a bag of gold.
As he passes the various sellers, a merchant quickly lights some incense and a beautiful aroma fills the air. It's frankincense, the merchant says. The best in the land.
The wise man gets some and is about to leave when the merchant calls out, But wait ... there's myrrh!
Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.
Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other-
How the hell are we supposed to drive this thing?
What do you call a black gold digger?
a gold digger. Ya think im racist
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
I pulled a muscle digging for gold...
It's just a miner injury.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the gold lait jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working gold platinum piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.