Going Home Drunk Jokes
66 going home drunk jokes and hilarious going home drunk puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about going home drunk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Going Home Drunk Short Jokes
Short going home drunk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The going home drunk humour may include short returning home jokes also.
- Two beers sitting in a bar Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk" - I got seriously drunk tonight and took a taxi home. Who knows where I got it or how I'm going to return it.
- Two whales walk into a bar.... The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA"
The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk - Two aliens sit in a bar... One alien tells the other "toodleoop-poodledoop-teedledoop?".
Other alien says "Go home, you're drunk". - Two guys were sitting in a bar One said to another : "I slept with your mom last night".
The whole bar was waiting for other persons response.
Then he says "Let's go home dad. You're drunk".
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Going Home Drunk One Liners
Which going home drunk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with going home drunk? I can suggest the ones about walk home and drunk.
- An empty water bottle walks into a bar... The bartender says, Go home. You're drunk.
- Last night I was drunk so I took the train to go home I've never driven a train before
- What did the bartender say to the alien? "You're drunk ET, go home!"
- Two whales walk into a bar One goes braarar the other one says go home Dave your drunk
- If you are strong, brave, smart and very s**..., go home. You're drunk.
- Go home Dad, you're drunk! "No you go home drunk, you're son!"
Entertaining Going Home Drunk Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about going home drunk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean getting wasted jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make going home drunk pranks.
A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.
The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times.
The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car
The guy falls down five more times.
He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door.
The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell.
A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother.
"
Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...
Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it to her and say he gave you this for the dry-cleaning bill". Fred goes home and his wife starts shouting at him. Quickly, he says "No, no, no, somebody threw-up over me, gave me twenty-pounds for the dry-cleaning bill", She looks at him and asks "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in your hand, then?", Fred, smiling says "Oh the other is from the man who s**... in my underpants".
Superman grandpa
On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an empty bottle of whiskey, a knife and a gun. When he landed there were 20 enemy guards waiting for him. He killed fifteen men with the gun. Until it ran out of bullets. Killed 3 guys with his knife until the blade broke off, then killed the last 2 with his bare hands. Then the teacher reply's that was a very violent story and what was the morale?
Stay away from grandpa when he's drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk looks at his watch...
A man, who has fattened the coffers of the local pub this night, looks at his watch and says, "Well, it's about time I go home, and spend some quality time with the wife."
He gets out of his chair, and can't even take two steps without falling on his face. "Don't worry!" he yells, "I can just *crawl* home!" Everyone in the bar has a good laugh at his optimism, and the man crawls out of the bar.
Once outside, he realizes he needs to sober up. Takes a few deep breaths, uses a lamp post to pull himself up... and proceeds to fall flat on his face again. "I don't live *that* far..." the drunk reasons to himself. So he crawls home... it takes him nearly an hour to get there. He's finally at his front door, and he's trying to open it all silent-like, but his wife opens the door and has that scowl of *you-f**...-up*.
"How much did you have to drink tonight?" she asked, nonplused.
"I--" and before he can even lie, she says, "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."
A man's wife has been getting onto him for drinking so much...
...but he decides to go out to the bar--just one last time--anyway. As it's his last there, he drinks excessively and gets even more plastered than usual.
The next morning, he wakes up in his own bed not really sure how he got there. Before opening his eyes, he starts imagining how infuriated his wife must be. But when he looks around, his wife isn't there. Instead, there's a hot breakfast on the end table next to a note wishing him a good day and expressing her love.
Suspicious, the man gets out of bed. He goes into the living room and sees a table and chair knocked on their sides and a couple pictures that had fallen off the wall. His son is sitting on the couch, so he asked him what happened.
"Well, Dad, you were pretty drunk when you came home last night," his son replies. "You stumbled in, knocked over the furniture and pictures until Mom woke up and helped you."
"Okay, but what's with the hot breakfast?" he asks. "Why isn't she yelling at me right now?"
"Oh," the son says. "When she tried to lead you into the bedroom, you said, 'No thanks, lady, I'm married.'"
A Drunk is on his way home from a bar...
He stumbles and backs himself against an advertising pillar. He slowly continues his walk with his hands still on the advertising pillar for aid, going around once, twice, three times...
With a scream of agony he suddenly slumps to the ground and cries out loud:
"Dear God! I'm walled in!"
Is this where Frank lives ?
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street.It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the houseflung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
"Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked.
"Yes, it is," the woman replied.
"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so therest of us can go home?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...
to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese h**.... In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his hotel room with a Japanese lady of the night.
As they begin to had a good ole time, she starts yelling almost immediately "Machigatta ana!". Not understanding Japanese, he thinks he is doing an AMAZING job. I mean he has her screaming at the top of her lungs the same phrase over and over "Machigatta ana!!". Thinking she is screaming in pleasure he then proceeds to scream this pleasure phrase as well "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ANA!!!".
The next day the Japanese and American man go golfing. The American man goes up for his turn and hits the ball to which all the Japanese men yell "MACHIGATTA ANA!!". Confused, the American man turns to them and asks "I'm sorry, What does that mean?" To which one of the men replies "Oh, it mean 'Wrong Hole' ".
There was a Gay guy named Billy
Billy was dating a bisexual guy named Jordan. Recently, however, Jordan has started going to parties on Friday nights without inviting Billy. Billy, thinking that Jordan was ashamed of dating a guy, asks to go with him one day.
When they arrive at the bar, he notices that Jordan is not holding his hands like he usually does. When they walk in, a short, drunk blonde girl who wraps her arms around his waist. Jordan introduces the girl as Jean, who tells Billy that she's heard a lot about him. Billy wonders if he told her about their relationship and starts to get jealous. He tells Jordan that he's going to go home early.
Jordan follows him to the door and asks why he is leaving. Billy just says that he is not having fun and tells him to have fun with his "friend". Jordan realizes what this was all about and tells him that the girl was just someone he used to date. She recently had a child and he wanted to know whether the child was his or not.
Billy doesn't believe Jordan's story. He rolls his eyes and starts walking away again. However, Jordan stops him and looks him right in the eye. Then, he says, "Billy, Jean is not my lover. She's just some girl who said that I am the one. But the kid is not my son."
A man and his wife are driving home one night...
when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.
"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."
"You must be mistaken officer, I had my seat belt on, see!"
They go back and forth about whether the seat belt was on for a few minutes, getting gradually more heated.
The cop then leans down and says to the woman "Was this man driving without his seat belt?" The woman replies "Officer, after forty years of marriage to this man, I have learned one thing. Never argue with him when he's drunk!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The good pastor
One day Pastor Flaps was walking past the pub when he saw, through the window, one of his congregation sitting at the bar drinking whiskey.
Not wanting any of his flock to be part-taking in this evil pass-time he rushed in shouting, "Mary, Mary put that down and you are coming home with me."
So Mary drops the glass and staggers to her feet but looses her balance and falls into Pastor Flaps, sending him flying too, as he was just a small wee man. Anyways Mary ends up lying on top of the Pastor, skirt up around her neck and passes out drunk.
When the bar man, who was in another room, comes in to see what all the noise was about and sees Mary on top of the Pastor on the ground he comes to the wrong conclusion and shouts "Hey stop now and get up!!! There will be no s**... in this Pub".
To which the priest says "You don't understand, I am Pastor Flaps" so the barman gives up and replies "Ah well if you're that far in you might as well keep going!!!"
A man comes home really really drunk....
...clenching a bouquet of flowers.
He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:
"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."
To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"
The man looks at the bouquet, then back at his wife and says:
"Why, you don't have a vase?"
In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...
In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the excitement of the lift subsided - he realized that the car had no driver. The car started moving again. The man braced himself as the car moved towards a couple of bends. As the car hit the bends a mysterious hand would pop through the window and turn the car. The man was completely freaked out by this. Ghost car! When he could take no more of this he jumped out of the car and ran for dear life. He came up to a tavern and had to go in for a drink. Inside there were fellow drinkers enjoying their drinks and he just had to let them know what had happened to him. At first the other fellows laughed but then the man started crying...and they thought it has to be true. At that moment two guys stormed into the tavern...shouting, " we ran out of gas and while we were pushing our car some mad man jumped in... Did he happen to come in here?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tim is out drinking one night...
He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"
Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink...
the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again.
"BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!"
The barman, again, doesn't want to disturb his customers, and escorts Bernard, discreetly, out the back door. "Bernard, you've had enough tonight. Go back home!"
Again, he stumbles in through the door, collapses on the chair and repeats his demands.
"Bernie, how many times am I going to have to tell you...you're drunk! Go home!"
Bernie fixes his wandering eyes on the barman and exclaims in exasperation, "Shishhhh, man! How miny baars do you work at??"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The night's winding down, and all the customers have left except for this one drunk.
Bartender: Hey man, you should get going, go back home and get some sleep.
The drunk leaves through the back door of the establishment and, as the bartender is cleaning up, comes back in through the front 10 minutes later.
Bartender: Hey man, I just kicked you out, we're closing for the night!
The drunk leaves through the back, and not five minutes after the bartender locks the front door, the drunk comes and knocks.
Bartender:d**..., didn't I just tell you-
Drunk:Hey, barkeep! How many bars do you work at anyway?
A man sits at a bar...
...After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough. He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground. After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.
The next morning his wife says to him in the bed.
"You were in the bar last night."
"How did you know?"
"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."
Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears
The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...
Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others path, and they decide to stop and stay for a while before the world ends. so they stay and drink and joke and have a jolly good time. By the end of the day the American missile is drunk and says, "You know... we should go now." To which the Soviet missile replies, "You're right, let me walk you home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meanwhile, in England.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
So this guy is really drunk
So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide him to the door, and he just keeps falling down. This happens all the way to the car. Anyway, I get him in the car, and I ask him where he lives, he points and I follow his directions. He finally says, here. So I get out, go around and open his door and try to extract him out of my car, and he just can't walk, keeps stumbling and falling down, I'm doing my best to guide and help him but he just keeps falling down and hitting his head and stuff. I finally get him to his door and I ring the bell. A lady answers, presumably his wife and I say, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband is really drunk, so I drove him home", she says, "Yeah, Yeah, thanks, but where's his wheelchair?"
A husband come home, drunk
*Knock knock*
"Honey can you open the door, I don't have my keys"
"No you can go away, you always come home drunk !"
"Please, I have flowers for the most beautiful woman !"
"Sigh" *She open the door*
"Where are the flowers ?" *she ask*
"Where is the most beautiful woman??"
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking
As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.
As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mom's the best lay in town
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, *Your mom's the best lay in town.*
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, *I just s**... your mom, and it was swe-e-et!*
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, *Your mom even let me...* Finally the guy interrupts: *Go home, Dad - you're drunk!*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No More Girls' Night Out
Two wives go out for a girls' night out. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One wife used her p**... and the other wife grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning, one husband called the other and said, "No more girls' night out! My wife came home with no p**...!"
The other husband replied, "You think that's bad? Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys
Two guys are at the bar, o**... drinks 2 beers then tells his buddy he has to go home his wife only let's him have 2 beers. His buddy tells him that's messed up and here is what he should do, drink as many beers as he can, 5 whiskeys and a bourbon. Then go home and dive under the covers and eat out his wife's p**......she won't care what time you come home or how much you have had to drink if you do that.
He thinks about it for a minute then decides it's a great plan. So he gets drunk goes home dives under the covers and goes to town, after about 10 minutes he thinks she should be happy, but his wife won't kiss him until he washes his face. So he opens the door to the bathroom and there is his wife sitting in the tub.
The husband starts stuttering and carrying on confused. When his wife shushes him and tells him to be quiet...or he will wake his mother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"How'd you know?!"
For health reasons this old guy has to quit drinking. His wife is real strict about it, won't even let him to go this local bar, which is just a block up the road.
Then she has to go out of town. She tells him, "Don't you drink one drop, don't you even go down there." And he's thinking whatever, how's she going to know?
So as soon as she's out of the house, he heads down the block to his bar. One pint turns into four, and four turns into eight, and... Realizing how drunk he is, the guy stands up and falls right over. He's so drunk he can't even walk! So he crawls out of the bar, and then has to shuffle on his stomach the whole way home. Finally he gets home and crawls into bed.
The phone rings the next morning. It's his wife. "I *told* you not to go drinking, d**...."
"How did you know?" he sputters.
"The bartender called, you left your wheelchair."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, a guy is hanging out at a bar before meeting up with his girlfriend.
So, a guy was hangin out at a bar, before going to meet his girlfriend. He ends up getting wasted, throwing up all over himself, and missing his date. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Man, she's gonna kill me when I show up drunk and covered in p**...!"
The bartender says, "You have a twenty dollar bill?"
"Yeah," says the guy.
"Well, stick it jn your front pocket, and tell you girlfriend a drunk threw up on you, and he put a 20 in your pocket so you can have your shirt cleaned. Problem solved!"
So the guy goes home to confront his girlfriend, and she starts yelling at him, accusing him of being sloppy drunk.
"No! Another guy threw up on me! See, he even gave me twenty bucks to have my shirt cleaned!"
The girlfriend takes the money, "There's forty dollars here."
"He pooped my pants, too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife was happy today
I came home super drunk last night. She said that when she snuck in bed and was about to tell me off, I said "Go away I have a wife." I don't think she realises I only say that to the ugly girls.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the b**....Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are drinking at a bar.
Suddenly, a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!"
The guy ignores him, and eventually the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
The guy is starting to look annoyed, but once again, he just ignores him.
Once again, the drunk wanders off.
Ten more minutes pass, and once again the drunk walks in and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw graffiti in a bathroom that said: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I DID YOUR DAD!"
Underneath someone replied:
"Go home mom. You're drunk."
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A few guys are drinking at a bar.
A few guys are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy walks in, staggers up to them, and then points to one of them, shouting "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone is expecting a fight, but the guy he pointed at ignores him, so the drunk leaves and goes to the other side of the bar.
Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and says, "I just did your mom, and man, was it hot!" The guy again refuses to fight, so the drunk wanders off again.
Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy responds. "Go home Dad, you're drunk."
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poor guy sitting in a bar
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer
The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "
The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.
The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "
The other Labrador shook his head, sighed loudly and said " Go home Dad , you're drunk "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys sitting next to each other in a loud, crowded bar...
Over all the noise, o**... turns to the other guy and says, "I had s**... with your mother last night". The other guy just shakes his head and turns away.
About 2 drinks later, the first guy says a little louder, "I BANGED your mother last night!!" A few people around them stopped what they were doing to see how the other guy was going to respond, but he just turns away clearly embarrassed.
3 shots later, the first guy yells as loud as he possibly can, "I DESTROYED YOUR MOM IN BED LAST NIGHT!!!" This time the entire bar heard and the room fell silent in shock...
The other guy turns to him and says, "Dad, go home.. you're drunk!"
Three guys go to a bar
They get really, really, really drunk.
They meet up the next day. Guy #1 says, "I got so drunk last night that I passed out right in the bar."
Guy #2 says, "That's nothing. I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."
Guy #3 says, "That's nothing. I got so drunk last night that on the way home I got pulled over by a cop and got arrested for DWI."
Guy #2 says, "That's nothing. Chunks is my dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy had a drinking problem
His wife told him if you ever drink again I'm going to leave you
Some time later the guy gets drunk and threw up on his clothes he said oh my god my wife is going to leave me.
A guy suggested him to have a 20$ bill in his pocket and tell his wife a guy threw up on him and this is the fee for the laundry.
The guy gets back home and his wife says ; no, no I'm going to leave you.
The guy said wait and explained to her showing the 20$ bill
Why are there 2 bills? The wife asked?
The man answered: the other one is for the guy who s**... my pants
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.
The Party
A guy at a party was so drunk, he wanted to go home to sleep. His friend told him:
\- Dude,where are you going? This party is fun!
\- I'm calling a taxi and going home...
\- Wait dude!
The man got on the taxi and paid twice the price. The taxi driver asks him:
\- Why did you pay twice the price?
\- Oh, aren't you coming with me?
At that moment the friend tells the driver to stop and tells the man who left the party.
\- Dude, don't leave!!
\- Why?
\- The party is at your house...
Son comes home after school
As he walked into the living room, his half-drunk father greets him:
"Hey son, how was school?"
The son replies:
"Alright I guess, the math teacher gave us homework and I'm not sure I know how to do it."
"Here, let your old man help ya. How does it go?" - says dad
Son opens his textbook and starts reading the assignment:
"Charles has 14 apples, he gives 2 to his mom and 4 to his dad. How many apples does he have left?"
The dad leans back in his chair to think. For a few minutes he stares into the air doing calculations in his head. Another 5 minutes pass, and he looks at his son and says:
"What did ya say his name was again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met an old drunk at the bar
He had a picture of his wife in his pocket. Almost every hour, he'd take it out and look at her. I asked him why and he replied, As soon as she starts to look pretty, I know it's the time to go home.
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
Before going to a party, my dad gave me some advice.
"Son," he said, "I want you to stop drinking at midnight. OK?"
"OK." I sighed, closing the front door.
I came back home at 3:15am, opened the front door, and he was waiting for me on the sofa.
"Alright there, daddy!" I shouted.
"*Daddy*?" he frowned. "You're drunk as a skunk, son, aren't you? I told you to stop drinking at midnight!"
"I did," I added, "But I carried on at 12:01."
Dumb joke
I like this joke because it's dumb and it makes me smile and is fun.
So a whale walks up to a bartender and says
WOoooOOOoooWOooooOOOOWooooWOOOOOooo
And another whale walks up and says,
"Come on Frank, let's go home, you're drunk."
It's much better if you tell it to someone while making the whale noises obviously. I think it's funny though.
A russian nuclear rocket
Goes from Russia to America.
Over the Pacific it meets an american nuclear rocket, going from America to Russia.
Russian rocket: "Let's go drink something".
American rocket: "Ok".
The russian rocket drinks wodka and the american rocket drinks whiskey.
The american rocket gets drunk and the russian rocket said: "Let me take you home".
