Going Concern Jokes

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That d**... Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!

The Brain Implant

Two brain-scientists are having an heated argument about wether or not having a brain implant that will explode when you say something s**... would benefit anyone:
Scientist #1:
"It would pressure them to think before they say something, thus making the amount of s**... things they say decrease."
Scientist #2:
"No it wouldn't. If they are already s**..., the implant would not aid them in the decision making process of wether something is s**... or not, thus not helping."
Seeing as they were not going to agree, they decided to put this theory to the test. They look through state high-school drop-out records until they think they have found somebody who would meet the requirements of this test. They contact him and explain the test their predicament and are astounded when agrees to have surgery.
After the surgery, the two scientists walk up the steps to the ICU. They find the patient in a hospital bed, playing on his phone.
Scientist #1:
"How do you feel?"
The man chooses his words carefully. After about 10 seconds of waiting, he replies
Man:
"I'm alright. I have quite the head ache though."
Scientist #1
"As expected. Do you have any concerns about the device?"
The man, after carefully choosing his words again replies:
"Yes."
He stops for a moment.
"Can it kill me?"
Boom.
Sorry if you didn't like it. It is one of my first jokes.

So we're telling our grandfathers jokes? Alright then.

My grandfather was a doctor, so he had some fun ones. This was one of his favorite:
A boy was born mostly healthy, but with a strange mutation that left him with no left eyelid. The doctors were a bit stunned at first, but called in a plastic surgeon to consult. They needed to figure out a way to protect and keep the eye moist, but how?
Finally the surgeon proposed an unorthodox idea: he suggested that if they circumcised the boy, they could fashion the f**... into a serviceable eyelid.
The parents consented, and off they went to surgery. Two hours later, the plastic surgeon appeared, looking tired but fairly content.
"How did it go?" the parents asked with concern.
The surgeon replied, "Well, he's a bit cockeyed, but I don't think anyone will notice."

Poor Little Johnny...

Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying.
His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks "Johnny, why are ya crying like that?"
Johnny says sobbingly, "Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don't know what to do!"
Mr. Smith is shocked and says "Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you?"
To which Johnny states "God no... I can't think about s**... at a time like this!"

An honest, hardworking husband and wife were at the point of bankruptcy, in desperate need of cash to make ends meet.

The wife suggested that, because the husband was already working three jobs and she had only two, she could work late nights as a p**....
The husband expressed concern for her safety but reluctantly
agreed that this was the only way out of their dire circumstances.
So that night, the wife left home at 11 pm & returned at 4 am
The husband awoke (from his nap in front of the home computer where he was working) and asked her, "How did it go? How much money did you make?"
She replied ecstatically, "It was wonderful!! It was easy to
find customers and in only a few hours I made four-hundred and one
dollars!!!"
He looked up and asked curiously, "$401? Who gave you one
dollar?"
And she replied innocently, "They all did."

A Gamer Just Died.

And his family are having the f**... for him. His girlfriend shows up and notices 2 japanese men in suits sitting in the front row.
After the eulogy, they all go into the cemetery to bury him and the odd men keep following. The girlfriend gets concerned and asks the gamers friend who they are.
"Oh those are Konami Reps." He says.
"What are they doing here" asks the girlfriend.
"They're the ones lowering him into the grave."
"Why would they do that?"
"Cause they're great at letting people down."

After a car c**..., a woman comes to the hospital to see her husband...

She asks the doctor :
"How is my husband ? Is he going to be fine ?"
The doctor said :
"Well, his lower body is untouched"
Being less concerned she says :
"Oh, thank God, but what about the upper?"
He answered :
" His upper body is still on the way to the hospital "