God Jokes

What are some God jokes?

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me.

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

My wife treats me like GOD!!

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved.

Thank God it's negative.

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

A conversation with God

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

There is no God -Stephen Hawking, 2011

There is no Stephen Hawking God, 2018

My girlfriend treats me like a god

Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.

Girls treat me like God

They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.

I have proof that God is black

Everyone refers to him as father , but no one's ever seen him

A man goes to see his rabbi...

... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother :

- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??

- He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

- My boy really said that ... ?

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn't want any advice on how to do it

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name.

He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

Letter to God

Dear God,

Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

My family treats me like a god

They only talk to me when they want something.

A man asked God

"God, where can i find the love of my life?"

God answered

"Love can be found on every corner"

And then god made earth round

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

How to make God jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about God to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about God? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny God pick up lines to share with friends.

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