The Best 72 God Jokes

Following is our collection of funny God jokes. There are some god heaven jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these god almighty puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest God Jokes and Puns

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .


No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine!

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

You can explore god deity reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean god divine dad jokes. There are also god puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."

PS: it was a beam of light.

PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."ο»Ώ

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."


A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

One man in the crowd then yelled

Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

So I was having sex with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.

Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!

Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me.

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

My wife treats me like GOD!!

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the worm welcome

God: *creates birds*

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved.

Thank God it's negative.

When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.

Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.

Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?

The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.

Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.

Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?

I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.

No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

A conversation with God

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

There is no God -Stephen Hawking, 2011

There is no Stephen Hawking God, 2018

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

My girlfriend treats me like a god

Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.

Girls treat me like God

They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.

A man goes to see his rabbi...

... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."

I have proof that God is black

Everyone refers to him as father , but no one's ever seen him

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the god prays jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working god adam piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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