God Help Me Jokes

Following is our collection of lord humor and divine one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include God Help Me puns for adults, dirty heavens jokes or clean gods gags for kids.

There is an abundance of almighty jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on god help me. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lucifer witze you can hear about god help me.

The Best jokes about God Help Me

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

Girls treat me like God

They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed

"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"

I turned to her and said

"Nah. I think 6's enough."

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"

The atheist responded with: "Give me a break, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster five minutes ago either!"

The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"

"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Jew problems

An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,

He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"

And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"

The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."

The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."

-Frank De Lima

An Odd Funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.

"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a funeral like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"

"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.

"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."

"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"

"Get in line." answers the guy.

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"

God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'


'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'


'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'


'Then you're Gay!'

Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...

Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.

Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his weekly prayer, "god, I've been your loyal servant for 50 years committing myself to your work--feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and providing work to the poor! Please the lottery is at an all time high and I've never won so much as 100 dollars!"

All of a sudden the heavens open and a booming voice echoes, LENNNY... HELP ME OUT... BUY A FUCKIN' TICKET...

One of my grandpa's better jokes

An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."

God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."

So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."

God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"

God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.

God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".

Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"

God replies,"An arm and a leg".

Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

An atheist is walking through the woods

and he is suddenly set upon by a bear. He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out "Oh God, help!"

And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: "**YES?**"

The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: "Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"


And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together.

"What are you doing?" asks the atheist.

"Praying over my dinner."

A priest gets into quicksand...

he notices he canΒ΄t get himself out of there, so he starts praying. Along comes a guy. The guy sees the priest and asks: "do you need help?" But the priest just answers: "No, god will help me." He sinks in deeper and deeper, is in to his hip, as antoher guy comes by and asks the priest wether he could help him. Again the priest turns him down: "My faith will safe me." By now the priest is in the quicksand up to his chin. A third guy comes by and offers his help, the priest turns him down yet again. Finally, the priest dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to god and complains: "Lord, iΒ΄ve prayed for you to save me, yet you let me die in the quicksand!" God just looks him in the eye and says: "I sent three guys, wasnΒ΄t that help enough you moron?"

~~I hope this is no repost.~~

Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?

Of course you may. What can I do for you?

Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.

A joke I've known since primary school.

A huge flood occured one day, and an entire town is swallowed up by the water.

A man driving a boat comes by a man that's trying to stay afloat.

**"Quick, get on my boat!",** he said.

The semi-drowning man replies that God will send him help and save him. And so the man left.

Another man comes by a boat and yell's at the man, "**Hey!** ^~~Listen!~~ **Get on my boat!"**

Once again, the man replies that God will send him help and save him.

And so the man left, and with that, the man drowns.

Upon death, the man wakes up in Heaven to see God.

He asks, **"God, why didn't you send me help?"**

God replies, **"What do you mean? I sent you two boats!"**

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.

That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.

The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.

"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,

"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest replies: "Never fear, God will save me."
A few more minutes go past and the Priest is really struggling. A fishing boat comes along and they ask: "Do you need help? Climb aboard we can help you."
Again the priest replies: "I have faith, God will save me."


Priest drowns and goes to heaven. He meets God and asks "Why God? I have been a devout Catholic why did you not save me?!" God replies "What are you talking about I sent you two lifeguards and a boat!"

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:

"Uh hi, do you need a hand?"

The man said: "No thank you, God will save me"

And proceeded to drown.

He woke up in heaven and saw God, he asked God:

"God? Why didn't you save me?!"

God then replies:

"I sent you two boats you idiot."

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, "I was always faithful to my master and brought the family together when they were down."

"Sounds wonderful," said God. "Welcome."

Then it was the cat's turn. "Why should we let you in?" asked God.

"Well actually, I think you're in my chair."

Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.

The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.

A man is stranded in the middle of a desert.

Thirsty and desperate, he stumbles upon a small camp owned by a priest. The priest sees him and decides to help the poor man by lending him his horse to ride to the nearest town.

"There's just one thing you need to know about this horse," says the priest. "He's very religious, so to get him to move say 'Thank God', and say 'Amen' to get him to stop."

The man mounts up and starts to ride towards town, saying "Thank God, Thank God," as the horse builds up speed. Suddenly, he comes up to a steep cliff. Panicking, he tries to stop the horse, "Stop! Whoa!.. oh! AMEN!". The horse stops inches from the edge of the cliff.

The man looks over the edge at the valley far below, and sighs, "oh, thank god.."

A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around,Β he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."Β 

"That's incredible" said the man

"Where's Trump's?" he asked

"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

Dad comes home from a long day at work

He goes to his child who is singing and dancing around the house
Dad: hey baby, why you so happy?

Child: nothing I was thinking about today

Dad: what happened today?

Child: i think mom was about to go to heaven

Dad: wait.... she was what? What you u mean?

Child: well I was sitting in my room and I could hear mum screaming oh my god, I'm coming, I'm coming so I ran to her room to help her but luckily the postman was already on top of her holding her down.

A man goes into the doctor's office and says,

"...Doctor! You gotta help me! I have five penises!

The doctor says: "My god man... how does your pants fit?

Man replies, "Like a glove."

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

My Pastor Told me this one

Two nuns ran out of gas on their way to a hospital and are sitting on the side of the road. They decide to pray and ask God to help them. A man comes by and tells them, "I can take you to get gas but i have no gas can." The nuns decided to use some bed pans they had in the trunk. They go to the gas station and get gas and come back to the car. While one of the sisters is pouring the gas from the bed pan into the car, a preacher is driving by with his son. The preacher points out the nuns to his boy and says

"Look son, now that's some faith."

Good Deeds

Professor walks in to the classroom.

Professor: Greetings students, today we are going to talk about good deeds! I'm going to ask each and everyone of you to tell me a good deed that you might have done over the past month. Derpet! we'll start with you!

Derpet: Well, I helped an old lady cross the street the other day!

Profesor: Very good Derpet! Derpson, your turn!

Derspon: I gave some money to a homeless guy yesterday.

Profesor: Excellent! Derp, what about you?

Derp: I prevented a beating and a rape!!

Profesor: MY GOD!! that is amazing Derp!! how did you manage to do such a thing!? 0_0

Derp: I persuade her!

A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.

Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

A religious blonde is going bankrupt...

She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the third week and again doesn't win. So she starts asking God why he doesn't help her, why he left her to sell her car, her house. Just as she's about to lose her faith God appears and says "My dear child, I truly want to help you through these difficult times. But, to win the lottery you have to play"

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

"What is HAGS" the man asks.

"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.

"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.

"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."

There were three blondes going on a walk when they come across a river....

They don't know how to get across, but they decide to go to God for help. The first blonde says "please God, make me twice as smart as I am so I can get across this river" God hears this and decides to help, so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second blonde then says "please God make me ten times as smart so I can get across the river." God hears this and he turns her into a red head and she finds a boat on the river bank and goes across the river. The third one says "God, please make me one hundred times as smart so I can cross the river." So God turns her into a man and he uses the bridge.

God loves drunks too

A man is woken up at 3am to the sound of loud knocking at his door. He opens the door and finds a completely soaked man standing in the rain.

"Please help give me a push?" he asks with a drunken slur.

"No," replies the man and slams the door in his face.

"Who was that?" asks his wife as he climbs into bed.

"Some drunk guy asking for a push."

"Don't you remember 2 months ago when we needed a push? God loves drunks too. You should help him out."

The man sighs, gets dressed and walks into the pouring rain. "Hello? Are you still there?"


"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you? I can't see you in the dark."

"I'm over here, on the swing."

A man is walking down the street...

And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch. He starts to just keep walking, but he notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face.

The man walks up and says to her "Excuse me, I Couldn't help but notice how vibrant you look. Can you tell me what you've done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance?"

The lady responds "Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon. Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I bareback one of the guys I hang out with."

The man says "Oh my god, we've got to get you on tv! You've lived a long healthy life living like that! Exactly how old are you?"

The woman says "24."

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.

God asks Bush: What do you believe in?

Bush replies: I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...

God is impressed by Bush and tells him: Great, come sit on the chair on my right.

God goes to Obama and asks: What do you believe in?

Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...

God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.

Finally, God asks Trump: What do you believe in ?

Trump replies: I believe you're sitting on my chair.

A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars out of his own pocket. The next time he saw Cohen the rabbi gave him the money and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"
Back home Cohen was grateful. "Thank you Lord," he said. "But next time can you not send it thru Rabbi Schomburg? That crook kept half of it!"

Who did God send to help the slaves flee through the partially permeable membrane?


A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.

His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.

The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.

St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."

God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"

A group of friars ...

opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
business flourished.

A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again, they refused.

Therefore, the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A guy gets a phone call from the hospital

A guy gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says

"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your wife was in a terrible car accident and is completely paralyzed. You'll need to take care of her 24/7. Feeding her, helping her use the bathroom, bathing her. You'll probably need to hire help to take care of her. Of course, that may cost too much money, so you'll have to quit your job so you can do it yourself."

Guy says "Oh my god! That's terrible. What's the good news"

Doctor says "I was just joking. She's dead!"

Planting potatoes in Chicago

So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :

"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father."

Later that night, Ahmad responds :

"Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND ! I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad."

That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI agents broke into the father's house and investigated the backyard, inch by inch, without finding anything. They went away without being noticed.

Ahmad sent another email to his father : "Dear father, I am 100% positive that the land is now plowed. I couldn't have done it better myself. Ahmad."

An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"

The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."

So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.

"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"

God will save me

Heard this a while back at summer camp or something of the like. Haven't seen it on here yet.

A man is drowning in a lake. A boat drives up and the captain asks him, "hey buddy, need any help?"
The man responds, "No, God will save me."

The captain reluctantly goes about his way and a little later a speedboat drives up to the drowning man. "Hey buddy, can I help you?"

"No, god will save me."

The man drowns and up in heaven he goes up to God and says, "Hey, why didn't you save me?"

God simply replies, "I sent you two boats, dumbass."

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God's assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who farted in the room.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes