God Hates Jokes

64 god hates jokes and hilarious god hates puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about god hates that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest God Hates Short Jokes

Short god hates jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The god hates humour may include short god created jokes also.

  1. Two cannibals sat around a campfire One turned to the other and said, "God, I hate my mother-in-law."
    His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes."
  2. Speed dating Her: I hate it when people get excited when they find out they have smallest thing in common.
    Me: Oh my God! Me too!
  3. I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.
  4. God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season. I really don't like corona with Lyme.
  5. What do you call a dinosaur that hates punchlines? MY LEGS! OH GOD, HE'S EATING MY LEGS! AAAAARGGHH!
  6. As a true God fearing Catholic man, there are only two things I hate in this world.... Homosexuals and super hot attractive young men.
  7. Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell... was the wurst.
  8. Why do members of the Westboro Baptist Church only wear tagless shirts? Because God hates tags.
  9. The two year anniversary of Fred Phelps death was on Saturday. I hope no one made any tasteless jokes about his passing. After all, God hates gags.
  10. I FUFKING HATE UPTOWN FUNK If I hear it again on my radio, I swear to God I will smash my radio into pieces. Don't believe me? Just watch.

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God Hates One Liners

Which god hates one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with god hates? I can suggest the ones about gods and god creation.

  1. No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death God hates gags.
  2. Why did god invent patchouli? So blind people can hate hippies too.
  3. What does a Muslim have if they hate their god? An Allahgy
  4. Why does God hate Trig? Cos it's a Sin
  5. God I hate hidden microphones They bug me so much!
  6. I hate when people compare Eminem to God I mean, he's great and all, but he's no Eminem.
  7. I hate when my friends always talk about Norse gods Like bro it's Loki annoying
  8. God, I hate homeless people They make no cents...
  9. Why do Jehovah's witnesses hate Halloween? They don't like people knocking on their door!
  10. Why does God hate it when you throw spaghetti in the ocean? It's a pasta sea.
  11. I don't see why everyone hates the euthanasia I mean for god sakes, they're just kids!
  12. Where are all the news anchors in Alaska born Anchorage
    God i hate myself
  13. Adam hates going out for a meal with God. He always steals his ribs.
  14. Why do evangelicals hate insurance policies? Everything is an act of god.
  15. I hate it when people compare me to God.

God Hates Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about god hates you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean god allah jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make god hates pranks.

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

Why does god hate Harry Potter?

Because it's a competitor for bible on the fantasy market.

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated h**... type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .
Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?
One day, very tragically, Catfish Jeb's wife and sister died. A terrible hunting accident where he was mistaken and thought he was shooting at a deer. Beyond distraught, Catfish Jeb hurried home to his cabin and called up his church's preacher, Bill.
Bill answered his phone right away, greeting happily in that churchy way. Despite the cheeriness, Catfish Jeb was in tears as he told the preacher what happened. "Ma wife and sis'ta are ded, Billy," he blubbered.
Bill was a little miffed; he hated being called Billy. But with the light of God always shining down upon him, he forgave Catfish Jeb the instant the misname left his lips. "I am terrible sorry to hear that, Jeb," the preacher consoled.
On the phone, Bill and Catfish Jeb arranged a f**... for the bumpkin's wife and sister to be held at the church. It was to take place that Sunday, right before the bake sale. They planned the flowers, the music. Bill agreed to have someone make pamphlets on the grieving r**...'s behalf.
"One last thing, Joe," Bill said, pen poised in hand.
Catfish Jeb wiped at his eyes. "Yessa, preacher-man sir?" he simpered.
The preacher man pursed his lips. "Will you be needing one coffin, of two?"

God hates a coward!

...He ain't to fond of idiots either

Two guys in a insane asylum...

There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt and says "that for doing a sane act you have proven that you are a fully functioning human being and you are free to go. But I hate to inform you that your friend John committed s**...". Matt says "oh my god he killed himself he seemed fine when I last saw him". "When's the last time you saw him"? I went to his room and he was still wet so I hung him out to dry.

A s**..., an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...

The s**... says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any s**... contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The s**... and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The s**... says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the s**... and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.

I'm deciding whether or not to join christianmingle.

If I do, what should my name be? HungLikeJesus? JesusInTheStreets_SatanInTheSheets? HeCameAgain? Do you have any suggestions for blasphemous names?
Note: this is a joke, I'm not hating god, I'm hating the closed minded website.

Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a Red Head and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
*edit* People, it's just a joke! So much hate, I've told other jokes as well. Here's an anti-man joke? Why are women bad with judging distance? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches is their entire lives.

Why does God hate science so much?

Jesus Christ...

What did the Westboro Baptist Church say when Union Jack was with Jolly Roger?

God hates flags.

Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.
They are both out of control.
God, I hate living near Buckingham Palace! "

Guy finds secret trick into heaven...

Gods hate him

Why does the Westboro Baptist Church block searches on its homepage?

Because god hates queeries.

God I hate Mayweather

it was like 90 degrees yesterday

God doesn't hate you

just thinks you would be better off worshipping someone else.

It's s**... when people say God hates homosexuals

If he did, wouldn't he devise some plague to wipe them out?

Don't you hate when someone you're dating yells out another guys name during s**...?

I mean I was going down on my girlfriend the other night and she kept yelling,
"oh God!"

Some guy tried to call me 3 times and when I finally called him back, he didn't answer!

God I hate working for the s**... hotline...

I never get any dates...

Because I personally prefer figs. Even though god hates figs.

God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

Bad punz 1

Got electrocuted at work today.
Didn't think That would happen to me.
I was shocked.
I know you're trying not to laugh,
But give up.
Resistance is futile.
This post isn't going anywhere.
One could say it appears to be static.
It Has taken all my will power to type these.
I hate my current self.
Pls comment "NO PART 2 PLS GOD NO" so i can die a happy man.

I hate when baby's kiss eachother

...It's like, get a w**... for god sake

A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery

Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."

Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...

"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"
"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.
"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies if we go to the hospital right now. You don't have to start writing your will."
"It's not a will, " the bitten man says with an evil grin. "It's a list of people I hate that I want to bite!"