God And Adam Jokes

A little girl asked her mother, "

How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

GOD said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s a valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued, “Go over the hill…”.
“What’s a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued, “I want you to reproduce.”
“How do I do that?”
“Jeez,” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. He
liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the
cave where he found a woman.”
A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, “What’s a headache?”

Mary is sitting in Sunday school...

She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"
A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"
The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"
The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"
Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...

... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"

Susan at Bible Shool

Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, "Who is the Son of God?" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!". After this she nodded off again and the teacher called on her again, "Susan, who is the creator of the universe?" The boy poked her again with the pencil, awakening flustered and rather angry, she spoke softly, growing gradually louder, "Oh, my, God!" Again she falls asleep when the teacher asks one final question, "Susan, what did Eve say to Adam after their 56th child?" The boy once more prodded her with his pencil and she screams, "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF!!!"

Two gifts to Adam and Eve

When God was almost done creating Adam and Eve he said to them: "Alright I am almost done with you. I have two more gifts I can give you"
Adam and Eve go "what is it?"
God "the first one is the gift of peeing while standing upright..." Adam interrupts "Pick me me me!!! I want to pee standing upright!!!". So God gives it to him and Adam runs off rejoicing "wheeey yaay!!!" and starts peeing all over the place.
Eva asks "so what is the second gift?"
God answers "well the second gift is the brain but it seems I will have to give to Adam too if this place shall remain paradise"

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

Adam was feeling lonely...

so God created all of the animals to be his companions.
"God," Adam said, "These animals are great and all, but none of them seem like truly great companions for me."
"Well, Adam, I think I know exactly what you need. Tonight, I will create a Woman for you."
"A Woman? What's that?"
"Well, I'm sure she'll be the perfect companion for you. Women are extremely kind, moreso than the most loving animals. They are beautiful, even more than the most colorful birds."
At this point, Adam was convinced. "Well, what's stopping you? This woman sounds great!"
"Well," said God, "There's a bit of a cost issue. To make a woman, I'll need some of your body."
"Oh. Well, I guess it's to be expected no great thing is free...what'll it cost me?"
"An arm and a leg."
Adam thought long and hard about this, and eventually replied, "That's rather expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.
"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."
"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she's literally made for you."
"Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?" Adam asked.
"An arm and a leg, Adam," replied God, "an arm and a leg."
Adam though for a moment and said, "Well, what can I get for just a rib?"

Adam is lonely...

So God creates Eve. God orders Adam to reproduce with Eve. "How?," Adam asks. "First, you must hug and caress Eve." Adam asks "God, what is hugging and caressing?" And God explains.
"I liked hugging and carressing, what's next?" Adam asks. "Next you must kiss Eve," God answers. "What is 'Kiss'?" Adam asks, and God explains.
"I liked kissing Eve, what's next?" God answers, "Next, you must lay with Eve and make love to her." Adam asks, "What is making love?" And so God explains.
Next day, Adam asks in a frustrated tone, "God... What is a *headache?*"

At first, God created Adam...

But then a short while later, Adam started to get lonely, so he decided to go to God and let him know.
"God, I am very lonely, he said. I am in need of a companion"
"Well, how do you want your companion to be?" asked God.
"I want someone to care about me. Someone to help me sleep at night, and listen to what I have to say, and comfort me, and love me. I need someone who will be there for me and be honest with me and help me through tough situations, and would prioritise me over their personal needs. I just need someone who can make me happy."
"I can do that, but it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam pondered for a while.
"What can I get for a rib?"

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

Where do humans come from?

A young girl asked her Mom, Where do we humans come from?
Her Mom answered, God made Adam and Eve in his image; they had children and that's who we all descend from.
A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, Many years ago there were apes and monkeys, who began to walk on two legs like cavemen, and then eventually we humans evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, Mom, I don't understand. I asked you and you told me we were created by God, I asked Dad and he told me we evolved from apes and monkeys? Which answer is correct?
Her Mom answered, Well, dear, they both are. I was telling you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.

Heard this at bible camp some years ago

Three nuns are praying to God one day, and God actually answers back. He says "I'm going to ask each of you a question and if you answer correctly you will go to heaven." So he asks the first nun, "who was the first man on earth?" She thinks for a minute and answers, "Adam." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the second nun, "who was the first woman on earth?" She thinks for minute and answers, "Eve." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven. Then he asks the third nun, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She thinks and thinks then sighs and says, "ooh, that's a hard one." Bells and chimes ring and she goes up to heaven.

Adam is a little lonely...

About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....
God quickly points out that he is already working on a solution: it is called a "woman," and is stunning to behold, beautiful and slim, would make company for Adam, would care for him when he's sick, attend to cooking and cleaning, make love to him whenever he wanted, and basically be a joy to be around.
Adam is suitably impressed, and expresses his eagerness for this "woman" thing to be created. He is practically beside himself.
"There is a catch, though," says God, "to create the woman I described I need both of your legs, and at least one arm."
Adam hems and haws for a while, and then asks: "what can I get for one rib?"

God's perfect woman

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

Susie wasn't the best student in Sunday school...

Susie was sleeping in class when the teacher asked her "who created the universe?" Timmy, who was sitting behind her, poked her with his pencil to wake her up and she yelled out "God Almighty!" Very good, said the teacher.
Later, when Susie was sleeping again her teacher asked her "Who is our lord and saviour?" Again Timmy poker her with a pencil and she yelled out "Jesus Christ!" Well done, said the teacher, who was clearly impressed.
Even later, Susie was again asleep and the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Timmy goes to poke Susie with his pencil again and she yells out "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

Boy pokes girl with a pencil

A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks:
"Who was the one that created the universe?"
The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says:
"Oh God!"
Afterward the teacher asks:
"Okay, who's the one that died for our sins?"
The boy pokes the girl with his pencil a second time and she jumps up and says:
"Jesus Christ!"
The teacher then asks:
"What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd kid?"
The boy once again pokes the girl with his pencil so she turns around and says to him:
"If you stick that thing into me one more time I'm gonna break it in half!"

So three nuns have passed and are at the pearly gates..

When they arrive, Gabriel is there and says "Each of you must answer a question correctly to enter heaven."
His question to the first nun was "What was the name of the first woman?" and she replies "Eve!" And of course thats right, so on she goes.
His question to the second nun was "Where did Eve live when God created her?" to which she replies "Eden, of course." Another correct answer and on she goes as well.
His third question to the last nun was a bit trickier as she was a nun for the longest. "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" The nun mumbles "Oooh, thats a hard one.."
So in to heaven she went as well.

It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full...

Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven.
God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter.
All three friends begin to feel anxious.
God: Who was the first man on Earth?
Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam.
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.
God: who was the first woman on Earth?
Friend 2: oh that's easy, Eve.
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.
Friend 3 is now feeling more confident seeing as these questions were easy.
God: what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?
Friend 3: ooh... that's a hard one
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.
"Adam, what are you praying for?"
"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of the land and wish for a partner! I want her to be beautiful like no other, smarter almost as you, loving, caring and passionate. She should be delicate and graceful like a swan, yet swift and nimble like a fox."
"You know Adam, that's gonna cost you an arm and a leg"
Adam pauses a moment to think before replying,
"What can I get for a rib?"

EVOLUTION VS. CREATIONISM

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture

but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.
Teacher: Who do we believe in?
*poke
Girl: God!
Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?
*poke
Girl: Jesus Christ!
Teacher: Excellent! What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 6th child?
*poke
Girl: If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.
He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"
God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligent, caring, calm, and loving. The being shall satisfy you in every way and you two shall find love and be truly happy with one another.
Ecstatic, Adam says "Thank you Lord! What will it cost me?"
God replies "Your left arm and leg."
Adam ponders for a minute and replies- "What can I get for a rib?"