glum Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious glum puns

Two atoms are sitting at a bar...

...and the first atom is looking pretty glum.

"What's wrong?" asks the second atom.

"I thnk I lost an electron."

"My God!" said the second atom. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," said the first. "I'm positive."


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil...

The Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...
You a drinking' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer ...we drink until we throw up and then
we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

The Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: Yes
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who
cares - you're already dead?
Guy: Wow!

The Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want...blackjack, roulette,
poker, whatever... If you lose your shirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

The Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays....


A physicist is sitting in a bar looking glum... the bartender asks him "Hey man, what's the matter?"

The physicist replies, "Everything."


An attractive middle-aged woman sits at a bar...

... she orders a drink and a man sits beside her. They are both looking rather glum so she asks him what's the matter. He replies that he has a large chicken farm but none of the hens are laying fertile eggs, if this continues he will be out of business very soon. The man notices the woman is rather upset too, so he asks what her woes are. She says with a sigh 'I am just like one of your chickens' and continues to explain that for many years she and her ungrateful husband had tried to have a child, nothing had worked. They sit in silence for a short time, the woman looks at the man and asks if there is anything he can do to fix his chicken problem. He replies, 'I suppose I could try changing cocks' she winks at him, ' I suppose I could try that too'


Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden one day and looking really glum...

So God came down to find out why.
"Adam, I have created a beautiful paradise for you, why are you unhappy?"
"Well God, Eden is great and all, but sometimes I get really lonely. I wish I had a companion of some kind to share this beautiful garden with."
"You're right Adam, you need someone to share the glory of my creation with. I am going to create a companion for you, and I shall call her Woman. She will prepare your meals for you, bathe you, and satisfy all your sexual desires. She will be the perfect companion."
Adam's eyes light up and he says, "That sounds amazing God, what's this gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg"
"What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history...


Paddy walks into a bar....

and orders his usual. As he's pouring out the Guiness, the bartender notices that Paddy looks distraught. Worried about his best customer, the bartender asks, "What's the matter, Paddy? You're looking glum".

Paddy responds with a sigh and sips his Guiness. After a minute, Paddy tells the bartender the source of his dispair. "I lost my best mate Mick today you see", says Paddy.

"Oh dear Paddy. If you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?" asked the bartender.

Paddy groaned in discontent.

"He got his finger caught in a wedding ring".


One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?"

Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"

The mother came up to Hot Dog Bun Boy and gave him a consoling hug. She then said, "I know son, it's not fair. But in the end, history is written by the wieners."


What do you call it when a glum man gets crushed to death?



What are the most funny Glum jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Glum? Well, here are the best Glum dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Glum pick up lines to share with friends.


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