Glasses Name Jokes
28 glasses name jokes and hilarious glasses name puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glasses name that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Glasses Name Short Jokes
Short glasses name jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glasses name humour may include short eye glass jokes also.
- Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a chinese guy? Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh
- A king has two full glasses of water and one empty glass. What is his name? King Phillip the Third.
- I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?" He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"
- At a previous job, one of my coworkers would always threaten to leave and just blow glass for a living. My boss would always respond: I'm gonna change my name to Glass.
- My son asked me to hand him his sunglasses. I said 'You never told me you had a son named glasses!'
- Tatars If a commentator is an ordinary potato and a spectator is a potato with glasses, what's a dictator?
A potato named Richard - I have a friend named Phillip He loves mixing orange juice and v**.... Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.
It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.
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Glasses Name One Liners
Which glasses name one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glasses name? I can suggest the ones about pair glasses and sunglasses.
- What's the best name for a pair of glasses? Seymour
- Name a famous person with a glass eye ... and make it a good one.
- Whats another name for google glass? Dome Chrome.
Glasses Name Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about glasses name you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reading glasses jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glasses name pranks.
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..
When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn't necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..
At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, it said old man with glasses .
A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.
Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.
The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".
Ed and Lorraine Warren have the doll Anabelle locked in a glass case in their basement, a priest comes there every week to whisper Chuck Norris's name in its ear.
The doll locked itself in the case upon first hearing the name.
A cowboy rides into a new town,
and stops at the first saloon he sees.
Walks in, and is surprised that the whole place is empty except for the bartender polishing some glasses.
So he asks, "Where is everyone?"
Barkeep looks up from his busy work and replies, "Well, probably at the hanging."
Cowboy asks, "Who you all hanging?
Bartender replies, "Ol' Paper Bag Pete."
"Peculiar name.", says the cowboy.
"Yep", replies the bartender. "He was a peculiar fellow. Made his shirts out of paper bags, his pants out of paper bags...heck, even his boots out of paper bags."
"That is strange, but don't seem i**.... What is he being hanged for?" asked the cowboy
Bartender took a deep breath, "Rustlin'"
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass...
This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.
"Correct."
A third glass...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of u**....
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
So three ducks have to go to court
First duck walks in. Judge asks "What's your name?" The duck replies "Quack, sir." So the judge continues "OK, what'd you do?" And the duck responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, you may go."
Next duck walks in. "OK, what's your name?" "Quack Quack sir." "OK, and what'd you do?" The duck also responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, same as the last one. You may go."
Last duck walks in. The judge peers over his glasses as him, and says "Don't tell me. Your name is Quack Quack Quack." And the duck replies "No. I'm Bubbles."
A woman on the way to her new job
A woman is in her car on the way to her new job at a mental hospital, when the car begins juddering, and she is forced to pull over. She is looking at the engine when a man comes up behind her and says "it's your fan belt, love", before he leans in, and has the car fixed withing seconds. "My god! Thank you so much, do you need a lift anywhere, I must repay you somehow." The man declines, and states that he is a patient at the hospital, and has been let out for a short walk. "I'm a new staff member there, I'm going to pull some strings and get you out, you are in a sound state of mind and you shouldn't be in there" says the woman. The man enthusiastically thanks her for her kindness as she gets back into the car. She is just pulling away when a house brick hurtles through the rear window and smashes her across the face and setting off the airbag. In her stunned state she hears through the shattered glass: "Simon Wright is the name, you won't forget now will you!?".
As I stare at the sliding glass, the reflection isn't my own. A stranger in uniform, with money at his fingers and cameras in the sky.
He looks content to stand, content not to go away. People wait for others, while he waits for everyone. He could survive here. A constant ringing in his ear, as grease forms around him, like a million orders of "Do this, do that." A corporation, his name, on his chest. His body, covered in WHAT he is, not WHO he is. A sad life it must be, to see others come and leave. I look him in his eyes... "and a large fries, please."
A young woman has been hinting to her new boyfriend that she wants to get married...
She decides that the quickest way to force the issue would be to get pregnant. That night they go out to dinner and have several glasses of wine and afterwards she suggests they go back to her place and see where things go. So they do just that and almost right away she takes him into the bedroom and they're having crazy s**... until they're both just spent. Afterwards she says, "That was wonderful dear, what should we name the baby?". He calmly pulls off a c**..., ties it in a knot and says, "Sweetheart, if he gets out of this we'll name him Houdini!"
Ten Science Jokes for Nerds
* I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
* I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
* Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
* Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
* Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
* A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
What do we want? .
Time travel
When do we want it? .
Irrelevant.
* What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
* A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies For you, no charge .
* Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
* An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.
He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."
The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.
When he brought the trophy home to his wife Patty she asked him what he said to get the prestigious award. Treading carefully, he replied "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sittin' in church next to me wife."
The next day Patty was shopping in the market when she ran into Patrick's best friend, also named Patrick. "What a great toast Patrick had last night" Patrick said excitedly.
Patty agreed, albeit a little confused, "yeah but I don't know where it came from, we only do that twice a year and when we do I have to pull Patrick's ear to get him to come."
A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.
He clears his t**... and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".
No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out.
20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is your wager still good?" "It sure is p**...!" shouts the Texan, and the barman obligingly pulls ten pints of Guinness and lines them up on the bar. The pub falls silent as p**... starts.
One
Two
Three
Four
A few people start shouting "Go on p**...!"
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
By this point the whole pub is chanting his name. He slams the ninth glass down and drains the tenth, holding it up triumphantly. The pub erupts with cheers and the amazed Texan pulls out his chequebook and writes p**... his cheque. He hands it to him and says "Well I'll be d**..., it's true what they say about y'all! By the way, where did you go earlier?"
p**... replies, "To O'Malley's round the corner to see if I could do it!"
Signs...
The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job interferes with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.
- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.
- You fall off the floor sometimes.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.
- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar greets you when you come in.
- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.
- That d**... pink elephant followed you home again!
Location Location Location!
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes"