Glasses Jokes
Following is our collection of eyesight puns and bottle one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Glasses jokes for adults, dirty yo mama glasses are so thick jokes and clean prisms dad gags for kids.
The Best Glasses Puns
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"
She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."
Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.
She said I also look better without her glasses on.
This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses
I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses."
Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
Why do Java programmers need glasses?
Because they can't C#.
Girl: What are your plans for today?
Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...
"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?
I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%
Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectator.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"
Man: I have contacts.
Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.
I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses
She said "So are you"
My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...
I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first
I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.
The rest is a blur.
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?
It helps with division.
I need glasses to see my family
Specifically, two glasses of scotch.
Why do java coders wear glasses?
Because they don't C#
Why do JavaScripters wear glasses?
Because they don't C#
Gf: what are your plans for today?
Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses
Gf: and after that?
Me: I guess we'll see
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".
The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.
Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.
Never Hit A Guy With Glasses
Hit him with a baseball bat.
"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses."
"But I don't wear glasses.."
"I know, but I do."
I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!
to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses.
Everybody
I need glasses to see my family.
In particular, two glasses of Scotch.
Why would a phone need glasses?
When it's lost its contacts.
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed ?
Everybody
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE!
An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.
I need glasses so I can see my family.
Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.
My son broke my only glasses out of anger
I could never look at him the same
"YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!"
\- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.
(credit goes to my mom)
Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one
Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?
Son: I don't know i can't f*cking see!
A patient walks into a doctor's office...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.
She always just drank straight from the bottle.
Never hit a man with glasses
Fists are just more efficient
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.
She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."
Warning to the person who stole my glasses.
I have contacts!
Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
He had lost his contacts!
After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.
A man gets pulled over by a cop...
And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.
"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"
The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."
A kid loses his glasses and falls down a well...
Too bad he couldn't see that well.
Has COVID-19 caused you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
I told my friend he looked better without glasses
He replied I don't see why.
The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.
I can't see it happening.
Why don't any American football players wear glasses?
Because it is a contact sport!
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and asks the bartender: "Can I have 8 beer please?"
The man gets his 8 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 8 glasses are empty.
Now he asks: "Can I please have 6 more beers?"
The man gets his 6 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 6 glasses are empty.
He looks at the bartender and asks: "Can I please have 3 more?"
The man gets his 3 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 3 glasses are empty.
The man frowns and says: "I don't get it... The less I drink, the more drunk I get..."
Jesus walks into a bar
12 glasses of water please
*winks at his disciples*
My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks out of the bottle...
Two guys were walking their dogs....
Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
An old snake
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Joyriding in a Lamborghini
*joyriding in a Lamborghini*
HER: No way this thing does 150
ME: Only one way to find out *puts on glasses*
*pulls over and checks Wikipedia*
New glasses
"New glasses? They look super, man!"
Clark Kent begins to sweat.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Why did the cell phone need glasses?
Because it ran out of contacts.
So, a stutterer was a wedding
He stand's up and says:
-hip, hip
And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised:
-HURRAY
The stutterer, tried again, but louder
-HIP!! HIP!!
Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!
-HUURRAAAAY!!!!!
The stutterer, again, yelled with both arms raised!!
-HIIPPPP !! HIPPP!!!
Everyone on the party became one, all the happiness expressed with one single shout!
-HURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
But then, everyone was killed by a herd of ~~hippopotamus~~ Hippopotamuses
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
"Doctor I think I need glasses!"
"You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers."
I'm very conflicted by eye tests.
I want to get the answers right.
....but I really want to win the glasses.
I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...
Everyone.
Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...
When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.
Apparently she stood him up.
Doctor: You need glasses!!
Patient: How could you tell?
Doctor: I knew as soon as you walked through the window
I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...
...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
An American walks into an Irish bar...
... and approaches the bartender and says, "I'd like an Irish car bomb."
The bartender says, "Let me see what I can do," and disappears to the back of the bar. He comes back with two highball glasses filled with vodka. He then proceeds to light them on fire.
"Here ya go."
"Uh, that's not really what I was expecting," the American says.
"Yeah, I know," says the bartender, "we're all out of Irish car bombs. But here, you can have a 9/11."
Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea?
He drown in his tea pee.
Why are glasses required to do math?
because you need it for davision
What happened to the Asian man that walked into a wall with an erection?
He broke his glasses.
You may be entitled to...
Has Covid19 forced you to wear glasses & a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation!
The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.
Life before that is a blur.
My girlfriend told me I look better when I'm not wearing glasses
I told her she also looks better when I'm not wearing glasses.
Pretty sure she's not my girlfriend anymore.
My boyfriend (of an 11 year age difference) said this to me the other day...
True story: My boyfriend and I were taking a walk and he happened to be wearing his reading glasses (which I find adorable).
Me: Ooh, you look like a sexy teacher in those glasses. I think I need to stay after school...
Him: Yes, I'll show you how many times 38 goes into 27.
Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?
He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.
"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"
Last night on stage at the strip club ...
...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
"My glasses" I said
I just got glasses!
20/20 would recommend
Everybody says I look better without my glasses, but I can't see it.
There is an abundance of lens jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 90 funniest jokes and glasses puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lenses witze you can hear about glasses.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.