Glass Jokes
161 glass jokes and hilarious glass puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glass that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Try your hand at some of the funniest jokes about different kinds of glass. From broken glass to eye glasses, wine glasses, magnifying glasses, stained glass, and auto glass, these jokes about all things vitreous are sure to have you laughing. Empty your glass and get ready for a good time!
Quick Jump To
- Short Glass Jokes
- Glass One Liners
- Eye Glass Jokes
- Empty Glass Jokes
- Wine Glass Jokes
- Glass Half Empty Jokes
- Broken Glass Jokes
- More Glass Jokes
Funniest Glass Short Jokes
Short glass jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glass humour may include short steel jokes also.
- Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
- I told a girl, "you look great without glasses" She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do." - Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on. She said I also look better without her glasses on.
- Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a chinese guy? Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh
- This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
- The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do." - Girl: What are your plan for today? Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see. - As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
- Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
- We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one? I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
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Glass One Liners
Which glass one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glass? I can suggest the ones about stone and mirror.
- Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
- As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
- I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- Why do java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.
- What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.
- Why would glass coffins be popular? Remains to be seen.
- Will glass coffins become a thing? ... Remains to be seen.
- What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator.
- WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!! I will find you, I have contacts!
- I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses She said "So are you"
- I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.
- Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
- Don't stare at a glass of water Take a pitcher it'll last longer
- I need glasses to see my family Specifically, two glasses of scotch.
Eye Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny eye glass jokes and even better eye glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies... That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
- "YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!" \- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.
(credit goes to my mom) - As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach... I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.
- The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships ...so they can keep an eye on the Russian air force.
- I'm very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right.
....but I really want to win the glasses. - How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk? Take the spoon out of the glass.
- What's made of glass and hurts if it gets in your eye? Glass
- What state wears glasses? Mississippi, because it has four eyes.
- I met a guy the other day with a glass eye. He didn't tell me, it just came out in the conversation
- Why are artificial eyes made from glass? They gotta be see-through
Empty Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny empty glass jokes and even better empty glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty. An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
- Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - Pessimist: The glass is half empty... Optimist: The glass is half full
Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass! - Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty." EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
- A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
- Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
- A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks it is half full... An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
- Optimist: Glass half full Pessimist : Glass half empty
Engineer: Glass is too tall. - The Glass Happy person: The glass is half full
Depressed person: The glass is half empty
The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as necessary. - An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Wine Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny wine glass jokes and even better wine glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread." - I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie
And yes, he paws it himself... - What do you call a crying glass of wine? Tumblr
- I am banned from my church livestream Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.
- What do you call wine made of broken glass? Shardonnay.
- I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night
- Why was the man happy when his glass of wine started levitating? Because his spirits were lifted!
- I've been told that red wine compliments a steak. But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.
- It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
- Jesus on the dating circuit Jesus: *hands woman a wine glass* "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: *looks at glass then looks at Jesus* "This is just a glass of water."
Jesus: "Look again."
Glass Half Empty Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass half empty jokes and even better glass half empty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Engineers' view about a glass of water! To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. - Perspective The optimist says "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present." - A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. The engineer says the glass is too big.
- I'm a pessimist and an optimist, So when I see a glass half empty I pour it into a smaller glass.
- What did the full glass say to the half empty glass? You look drunk.
- There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full,
The ones who say the glass is half empty,
And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass. - The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.
- Glass half full Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st. - There are 3 types of people Them: "the glass is half full"
Others: "the glass is half empty"
Me: "they didn't get my order right" - They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty. Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
Broken Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny broken glass jokes and even better broken glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.
- Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass. That was my first brush with the law.
- Stephen Hawkins goes on a date.... he comes back a couple of hours later with broken glasses, grazed knees, twisted ankle.
She'd stood him up. - My glasses have broken I can barely look forward to buying new ones
- What do broken glass and blood have in common? Their taste
- What do you call a broken window? A pain in the glass!
- Ever notice that regular glass has pretty much no taste - but broken glass tastes like blood?
- Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.
- I accidentally sat on some broken glass It was a real pane in the a**...
Playful Glass Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about glass you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lamp jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glass pranks.
Milk
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
s**... bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
s**... bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
s**... bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
A Vampire walks into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."
Good Polish Joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."
Headaches
A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having s**... tonight!"
Dinner with my wife
I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"
Chemists in a pub
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...
and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
Lemonade
A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"
"This one has the antidote."
That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
Glass coffins - will they catch on?
Remains to be seen!
A man goes up to his wife...
He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.
She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"
He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have s**... then."
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.
I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
Why was the snake pressed againt the glass at the zoo?
He wanted to be a windshield viper.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
None. Who needs a lightbulb when there's a glass ceiling.
A lion goes into a restaurant
He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.
I took my kids to the aquarium.
"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.
Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer
I replied, "No, I always give 110%"
A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin
His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache."
The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"
Two pilots are landing a plane.
Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!
What colour bricks?
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
Remains to be seen...
...if glass coffins become popular.
Guy gets on a city bus...
and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great s**...! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have s**... with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a s**....
If you let her have more she might s**... it too.
The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.
The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."
When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
A mathematician walks into a bar
A mathematician walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry but we've run out of beer. We have only root beer for today."
"No problem", replies the mathematician. "Just serve me in a square glass."
How can you tell an ant's gender?
1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant
Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...
... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for f**...'s sake."
You know Santa came when..
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
A racist, a fascist, and an idiot walked into a bar
"What can I get you?" Asked the bartender.
"I'll just have a water, and make sure the glass is small enough for my hands" said Donald Trump.
When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.
The refill contained the antidote.
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
Will glass coffins be popular in future?
Remains to be seen.
I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass..
I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.
You'd think glass would taste like rocks..
But it just tastes like blood.
Two chemists walk into a bar
They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.
Optimist: "This glass is half full"
Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"
Feminist: "This glass is r**... me"
The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream...
...and asked me if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me n**...". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass".
The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.
So I asked the bartender for a r**... and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"
"Sure, whatever," I said.
So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.
Will glass coffins be the next years big thing?
Remains to be seen.
Not Tonight
Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"
He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."
She says, "I don't have a headache."
To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.
He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife
"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"
There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.
"To my husband, a good provider, and the father of my children. Too bad only one of those could make it."
Two scientists walk into a restaurant
The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air Force.
I need glasses to see my family.
In particular, two glasses of Scotch.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.
Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
A man is talking to a s**... bank employee.
Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."
s**... bank employee: "What glass of milk?"
Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
s**... bank employee: "Oh my god."
Man: "What?"
s**... bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."
A lawyer walks into a bar
The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...
How do you tell the difference between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop the ant in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats, it's buoyant.
Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck
Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.
c**...: hahahaha
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says I'll take a glass of H2O. The second says I'll take a glass of H2O too.
*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*
I need glasses so I can see my family.
Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.
Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?
To keep the spirits from escaping.
A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.
So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.
His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
When I went to my interview, I poured a glass of water and it overflowed onto the table. The interviewer asked if I was nervous and I said no -
I always give it 110%
