Following is our collection of funny Glasses jokes. There are some glasses bottle jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these glasses wearing glasses puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
He had lost his contacts!
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
A spectator.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.
Everyone.
Because they don't C#
She drinks straight from the bottle.
You can explore glasses eyesight reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean glasses yo mama glasses are so thick dad jokes. There are also glasses puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
Everybody
Apparently she stood him up.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
It helps with division.
She always just drank straight from the bottle.
"You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers."
The rest is a blur.
to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.
"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"
The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."
Because it ran out of contacts.
Because it is a contact sport!
She said "So are you"
"New glasses? They look super, man!"
Clark Kent begins to sweat.
"But I don't wear glasses.."
"I know, but I do."
He stand's up and says:
-hip, hip
And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised:
-HURRAY
The stutterer, tried again, but louder
-HIP!! HIP!!
Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!
-HUURRAAAAY!!!!!
The stutterer, again, yelled with both arms raised!!
-HIIPPPP !! HIPPP!!!
Everyone on the party became one, all the happiness expressed with one single shout!
-HURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
But then, everyone was killed by a herd of ~~hippopotamus~~ Hippopotamuses
Because they can't C#.
I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first
Hit him with a baseball bat.
Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.
One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
She drinks out of the bottle...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
Fists are just more efficient
Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
Because they don't C#
I want to get the answers right.
....but I really want to win the glasses.
I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
Too bad he couldn't see that well.
Specifically, two glasses of scotch.
She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."
When it's lost its contacts.
In particular, two glasses of Scotch.
I said, Why would I want two empty glasses?
When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.
Apparently she stood him up.
He replied I don't see why.
The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."
I could never look at him the same
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.
She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."
*joyriding in a Lamborghini*
HER: No way this thing does 150
ME: Only one way to find out *puts on glasses*
*pulls over and checks Wikipedia*
She said I also look better without her glasses on.
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one
Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?
Son: I don't know i can't f*cking see!
He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
I have contacts!
I will find you, I have contacts!
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'
Everybody
\- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.
(credit goes to my mom)
You may be entitled to condensation.
12 glasses of water please
*winks at his disciples*
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
He sits down and asks the bartender: "Can I have 8 beer please?"
The man gets his 8 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 8 glasses are empty.
Now he asks: "Can I please have 6 more beers?"
The man gets his 6 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 6 glasses are empty.
He looks at the bartender and asks: "Can I please have 3 more?"
The man gets his 3 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 3 glasses are empty.
The man frowns and says: "I don't get it... The less I drink, the more drunk I get..."
Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.
Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see.
I can't see it happening.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses
Gf: and after that?
Me: I guess we'll see
Man: I have contacts.
Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"
The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"
The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"
He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them aflame. "Special, just for you."
The American frowns, "What the hell is this?"
"I call it a 9/11."
*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*
She drinks straight from the bottle.
I drink straight out of the bottle.
After that I guess I'll just see what happens
She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.
After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.
The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses
That's really going to mess up my aim...
I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too
Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
They may be entitled to condensation
Trooper: Your license states that you're required to wear corrective lenses. Where are your glasses?
Me: It's ok. I've got contacts.
Trooper: Listen pal, I don't care who you know!
I were walking during the night in a forest. Then suddenly, an wolf appeared in front of me. I told my friend, who lost his glasses: "Look, a wolf!"
"Where???" he screamed, while panicating.
"Nah, just a normal one"
Dad: "I'm going to the optometrist today to get my new glasses".
Son: "then what?".
Dad: "we'll see"
I replied: "No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"
But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway.
I have contacts
It had an astickmatism
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the glasses big glasses jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working glasses thick glasses piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.