Glass Half Empty Jokes
55 glass half empty jokes and hilarious glass half empty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glass half empty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Glass Half Empty Short Jokes
Short glass half empty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glass half empty humour may include short glass half full jokes also.
- An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty. An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
- Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - Pessimist: The glass is half empty... Optimist: The glass is half full
Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass! - Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty." EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
- Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
- I'm a pessimist and an optimist, So when I see a glass half empty I pour it into a smaller glass.
- There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full,
The ones who say the glass is half empty,
And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass. - The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.
- Glass half full Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st. - There are 3 types of people Them: "the glass is half full"
Others: "the glass is half empty"
Me: "they didn't get my order right"
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Glass Half Empty One Liners
Which glass half empty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glass half empty? I can suggest the ones about glass is half full and empty glass.
- What did the full glass say to the half empty glass? You look drunk.
- I'm an optimistic pessimist... I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills
- A pessimist sees the glass half empty An optometrist sees the glass in focus.
- I'm more of a "the glass is half-empty" guy. Because I don't spit into it.
- What do you call a person who looks at a glass half-empty? An Alcoholic.
Fun-Filled Glass Half Empty Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about glass half empty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean broken glass jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glass half empty pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full.
There's clearly room for more wine.
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
The Affluence of Incohol
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
I do not have a drinking problem
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism
After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."
"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.
He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Sad Story
So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the d**... in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.
Glass with Water
This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)
Punch line needed
So, I was in a meeting today and I pretended to start telling a joke when I said "What did the half full glass of water say to the half empty glass of water sitting next to it?"
Well, they all tried to come up with something, but couldn't. Then they all looked at me and wanted the punch line. I had nothing since I just made that up. Any help?
Glass half-empty or half full?
The optimist will say that the glass is half-full.
The pessimist will say that the glass is half-empty.
The engineer will say that the glass is 2 times bigger than it needs to be.
The politician will say that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge.
The project manager will say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The fanatic will say that the glass is full, even though it isn't.
The IT support person will say that you should try emptying the glass and then refilling it.
Anyone else?
Ten Science Jokes for Nerds
* I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
* I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
* Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
* Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
* Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
* A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
What do we want? .
Time travel
When do we want it? .
Irrelevant.
* What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
* A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies For you, no charge .
* Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
* An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
Some people see the glass half-full, others half-empty
But I didn't see it at all until it hit me.
They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty.
Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary.
The philosopher says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half full....
The sjw says the glass is half-fluid.
I'm more optimistic than most.
Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"
The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass is half full.
The reposter says the glass is half full
Materialists don't really think about whether the glass is half full or half empty.
They care more about whether the glass is expensive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Optimist: "This glass is half full"
Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"
Feminist: "This glass is r**... me"
Why do alcoholic people see the glass half empty ?
Because it means they'll refill it faster
An optimist sees a glass half full...
A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
A kleptomaniac sees the glass.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Glass of water
Optimists: the glass is half full!
pessimists: the glass is half empty!
Russians: glass no have v**...
Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty...
I'm an opportunist. I drank it all while the other two argued.
My doctor prescribed me antidepressants and said they would change my outlook
I don't know how many different ways you can look at a half empty glass
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?
Dave: because you're a pessimist.
A glass of water that is half full
Optimist: The Glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Thanos: Perfectly balanced.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a glass is always half empty kinda guy.
I'm not pessimistic, I'm just a r**... alcoholic.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didnt you use a coaster
What is the difference between an optimist, a pessimist and me?
An optimist thinks the glass is half full.
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
And I think, "Why is it always about glass?"
Plato and Nietzsche walk into a bar
They both order beers and after a while Nietzsche turns to Plato and says "This glass is half empty."
Plato reply's "What glass?"
There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people,
And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion
Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."
They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Optimist: the glass is half full
**Pessimist:** the glass is half empty
**2020:** that's pee isn't it?
The Optimist says "the glass is half full"
The Pessimist says, "NO it's half empty!"
The Urologist says, "well it's gonna be full soon!"
The Urophiliac says, "aaaawwww yeah!"
