Glasgow Jokes
35 glasgow jokes and hilarious glasgow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glasgow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Head to Scotland's second-largest city, Glasgow, for some local laughs! Listen as your Glasgow taxi driver, pub mate, and even the occasional Edinburgh-er share a collection of hilarious jokes about the differences between Glasgow and Edinburgh, the Glasgow Celtic, famous Scotland's lochs, and more. Experience the best of Scotland's humour in Glasgow.
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Funniest Glasgow Short Jokes
Short glasgow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glasgow humour may include short pub jokes also.
- I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk.
Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, we cannae make a latte withoat milk - What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ? Where did my Glasgow?
- A scotsman goes to the dentist. A scotsman goes to the dentist.
Sits down on the seat and the dentist asks
"Comfy?"
The scotsman replies "Glasgow mate" - Tell me your local jokes! Why does the Clyde run through Glasgow?
Because if it walked, it'd get jumped! - I dated a really multicultural girl First she gave me a French kiss. Then she gave me an Australian kiss. I thought I'd show her I'm cultured too, so I gave her a Glasgow kiss.
- Muslim students at Glasgow Caledonian University are talking about having a gala day This is the first step towards an Islamic Caley fete.
- A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist. The woman sits in the chair. "Comfy?" the dentist asks... "Govan" she replied.
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Glasgow One Liners
Which glasgow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glasgow? I can suggest the ones about prim and wee.
- Why does the river Clyde run through Glasgow? If it walked, it would get stabbed
- I met my wife in Glasgow I was very surprised: I thought I had left her at home.
- What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet? A Scotland Yard.
- The new Nightingale hospital in Glasgow has been renamed. ICU Jimmy
- Where's Glasgow? The dishwasher
(Credit u/Von32)
Cheeky Glasgow Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about glasgow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glasgow pranks.
A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts
She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'
'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'
'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'
'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I make sure to put on tights.'
'I see, why did you only start doing that three years ago?'
'Well lass, was about three years ago that my wife found a pair of tights in the back of my car.'
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant?
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "
Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."
the papal visit
the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.
I mean, for one in both places you can pay for s**... with chips.
A man walks into a rough pub near Glasgow docks...
..."here, lads, there's been a big department store fire in town, loads of stock's been written off, I can sort you out with a few things, if you'd like, what're you after?"
After doing the rounds and taking orders for various items of clothing, and even a few bigger items, someone up the back of the pub pipes up, "here, I didn't see anything about a big fire on the news, when was it?"
"Tomorrow".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye.
but If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Glasgow boys
Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock.
'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church,
the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…'
Archie nods approvingly.
h**..., I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.
'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what's the tartin?'
'Ach,' says Jock, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have s**... for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
Why Irish pubs are the best
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?", the Pom said.
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.
"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scotsmans Chilli
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. ...
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks:
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,
"Nah, ye can g**... ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
Wee Joe fae Glasgow...
After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.
After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.
That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President.
"I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said.
"Aye, nae bother!" said the Scotsman.
"That's an interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?"
"Glasgow," Joe replied.
The President look perplexed. "Glasgow? Sorry, what state is that in?"
"Oh, pretty much the same as New York is now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scotsman's Chilli
A hungry bloke
walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......
He sits at the counter and
notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of
chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke
bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,
"Nah, ye can g**... ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with
delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
too".
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
![Glasgow joke, Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]](/images/jokes/glasgow-jokes-glasgow-has-a-lot-in-common-with-las-vegasn-n-i-me.jpg "Glasgow joke, Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]")