Glance Jokes
25 glance jokes and hilarious glance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Glance Short Jokes
Short glance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glance humour may include short gaze jokes also.
- A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."
- I was walking down the street, when I glanced up and saw this arab guy on the balcony furiously shaking a rug.. So I yelled out to him, "what's the matter, Omar? Won't it start?"
- I met Lance Armstrong after a party Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball. - Mythology gags, anyone? What can kill you with a glance and goes "Hittthhh"?
The Basilisp. - What do you call it when a man takes a side glance at a woman on the street while sneezing? Pikachu
- Money is really tight this year... My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.
- "Hey honey, I didn't know they were making an Idiocracy 2." The man said to his wife... "Oh," she said, glancing at the TV. " You are just on Fox news."
- So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar... United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"
Delta glances around, spies baby....
Delta: "Hold my beer..." - It's unlucky to glance over your shoulder while wearing a sweater made of rabbit wool... Don't look back in angora.
- Somebody once told me that the symbol for Lithium was LT. I glanced at the periodic table. Clearly, it was Li.
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Glance One Liners
Which glance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glance? I can suggest the ones about blink and sight.
- How can you tell when a white guy is about to tell a joke? He glances over his shoulder.
- My family was so poor when I was a kid... We could only exchange glances at Christmas!
- What do you call a guy that accidentally glances at a woman's cleavage? A r**....
Hilarious Glance Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about glance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean looked jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glance pranks.
Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.
Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."
I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.
She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.
Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.
Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this s**... blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...
"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"
"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful b**... blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...
I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...
A man walks into a small bank
There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."
So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...
A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.
A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know you're getting old...
when you walk past two priests and they wont even glance at you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?
With a Cult 45.
***
Also works with, How does a democracy die? , etc.
Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn't see it after a quick glance.
Ernie
Hemingway sitting in a joint in Idaho, drink in hand, summer 1961.
Two broads, a brunette and redhead, drift into the bar, see Hemingway.
They caper over, exchange a glance - Red says "So, big guy, we need to know. She says briefs, I say boxers. Which?".
"Depends"
Fun with rhymes.
If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced they would be firmly rooted in their anti vegan stance.
Btw I have way too much time on my hands.
Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther
At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship
And the news presenter says "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance at my girlfriend, and now it's all kicked off!
Men are like a bag of chips
They seem full at first glance but when you look inside you see it's mostly just air.
My wife can communicate to me across the house with just a glance.
I call it our 'wife-eye' network.
No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?
It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to just... pass it by and go on like they haven't even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
I'm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, i design camouflage.
I heard a great dad joke in the emergency room the other day at work.
So the nurse and I walk into the room and there's a nice middle aged gentleman
He seemed nervous so the nurse asked what the matter was:
"well did you hear about the guy that died at this hospital last week?"
*Nurse and I glance at each other nervously
"No? well he had to be rushed to emergency surgery the moment he showed up!"
*More nervous glances
"Well when they sewed him up they left a sponge in him by accident"
"....and he died of thirst the next day"
*cue peevish laughter from ultimate dad.
