Glad Jokes
105 glad jokes and hilarious glad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laughter can be a great way to strengthen relationships and improve your mood. This article will provide a collection of funny Orange You Glad jokes and puns involving common items such as Glad Wrap. Read on to get a good chuckle and be a bit merrier in your day.
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Funniest Glad Short Jokes
Short glad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glad humour may include short thank god jokes also.
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- I'm glad the cave rescue is complete.... Now when I google thai boys I can get back to normal results
- I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
- Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
- The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time - Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
- I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it's gone.
- I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
- My son asked me if I was glad there wasn't an e in my name. I said, yes because otherwise I'd be dead.
Share These Glad Jokes With Friends
Glad One Liners
Which glad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glad? I can suggest the ones about delighted and grateful.
- The US has placed 18th for math… It sounds bad, I'm just glad we hit top ten.
- I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
- I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
- Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship I really dodged a bullet
- My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know. I'm so glad she fell for me
- I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.
- Song you sing to your dad on Father's Day? Glad You Came.
- Hey gurl are you an integral? Because I'd gladly replace my x with u.
- I'm just glad eminem will never be a mass shooter He only gets one shot
- What's the loudest color? YELL-O!
(Orange ya glad I didn't say red?) - I'm really glad I finally got a saltwater aquarium It really tide the room together
- I read that 9 out of 10 Americans are bad at math I'm glad I'm one of the other 1%
- I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house from her first husband.
- I had to get a Mastectomy last year... Whew, glad I got that off my chest.
- I'm so glad I married a big strong program like WinRAR He can open all of my .jars!
Orange You Glad Jokes
Here is a list of funny orange you glad jokes and even better orange you glad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: Why does it seem most Titles on the Front page have nothing to do with the content of the post? A: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- How can you tell a comedian doesn't understand the punchline? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- The Joke People Tell When They Don't Know Any Jokes Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say orange again!
UGHHHHH
Glad Wrap Jokes
Here is a list of funny glad wrap jokes and even better glad wrap puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My parents were poor when I was conceived, but their protection failed. The glad wrap didn't cut it
Happy Glad Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about glad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean satisfied jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glad pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and s**... her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I a**... my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
Trying to date someone that doesn't like you is like going to the DMV...
...you get the run-around all day, get frustrated, and when they finally do call your number, you don't feel satisfied, you're just glad its over.
(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants.
He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"
... she says: "That was a pretty wild o**..., be glad you don't bark"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm really glad they invented shampoo.
imagine having to wash your hair with real p**...?
My niece told me this one, she technically messed up the joke, but I thought it was a hilarious and unexpected take on the original
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Banana you glad I didn't say orange?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say 99% of the population is s**......
I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
But why everyday?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...
He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a s**... addiction," he says. "I have s**... at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"
Wife tells her husband that she has big news...
..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.
Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"
The wife responded, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I let my boyfriend indulge his "s**..." fantasy...
I'm glad I got that off my chest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
With all this media coverage about the clown...
I'll be so glad when the election is over.
I finally found a girlfriend!
She was lost untill she found me. I'm glad I could give her a ride to her boyfriend's house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook
If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll s**... anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
95% of the world is r**...
I'm glad I am the 10%
What did barack obama write inside his Valentines card?
"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc.
Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.
I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of h**....
I asked my mom to tell me her best joke.
She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...
...it was a site for sore eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
I'm glad the Astros won the World Series
The people of Houston have waded so long for this.
I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.
We don't have to pose for pictures.
So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?
A baaad neigh-borhood.
...
I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.
I went deer hunting with my older brothers when I was a youngster
It was in a mountainous area and I got separated from the group. Hopeless and lost I remember them telling me what to do: fire 3 shots in the air and they would come rescue me. Every 20 minutes I did that until I was accidentally found by a group of hunters that just happened to be passing by. I told them I sure was glad to see them! I was down to my last 3 arrows!
A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.
"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman who was married six times had just died.
During the f**... service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"
The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"
"None of them. I was talking about her legs."
A median and a mode walk into a bar.
The bartender says, I'm glad you dumped your buddy. He's mean.
I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.
What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm glad we have that s**... offender registry.
Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do w**... and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we're inside one at 4am we're glad they're around.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm glad they are taking down these Confederate statues
I don't believe in participation trophies.
A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.
The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having s**... with kids, m**... being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.
Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed
The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!
In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I'm glad about one thing.
Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.
A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with only a goat for company...
After a few months, the goat starts looking a bit enticing. Finally the guy sneaks up behind the goat. As he's about to do the deed, the goat walks off. This goes on for a few months.
One day the guy wakes up to find a beautiful young woman half-drowned in the waves off the island. He rescues her. She's so glad to be alive she says, "I'll do anything for you". The guy thinks for a minute and says, "ANYthing?" She replies, "Yep, Ill do ANYTHING".
So the guy says, "Great, can you hold on to this goat for a minute?"
A man has a wonderful Horse
It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it
A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good looking nurse over there? Well, I'm sleeping with her."
I was traveling on business, and the night before I came home I called my wife.
I told her, "When I get home, I want to make love with you so badly!"
She said, "I'm glad to see you've stopped overestimating your abilities."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little girls first day at new school.The teacher asks her name.
The girl replies, "Happy b**...." The teacher is a little annoyed and asks again. The girl answers, "Happy b**...." The teacher wants to set an example on the first day and sends the girl to the principal's office.
The principle looks at the girl's file and says, "Why didn't you give your correct name? It says here your name is Gladys."
The girls says, "Glad a**..., happy b**...- what's the difference?"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Not a joke but a thanks to this community
I'm so glad this sub exists, I crack these jokes all the time to my gf and she loves them. Thanks for all the creativity here!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.
Aren't you glad they didn't call it a p**... Retriever?
After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.
I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.
A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.
Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.
But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."
"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"
Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.
One says, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimes in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. The third one responds, Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, That must be the door, I'll get it.
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
I'm glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.
It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.
