Glad Jokes
110 glad jokes and hilarious glad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about glad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laughter can be a great way to strengthen relationships and improve your mood. This article will provide a collection of funny Orange You Glad jokes and puns involving common items such as Glad Wrap. Read on to get a good chuckle and be a bit merrier in your day.
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Funniest Glad Short Jokes
Short glad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The glad humour may include short pleased jokes also.
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- I'm glad the cave rescue is complete.... Now when I google thai boys I can get back to normal results
- I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
- Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
- The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time - Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - With all this media coverage about the clown... I'll be so glad when the election is over.
- A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
- What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend? Glad he ate her...
Are you not entertained? - I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it's gone.
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Glad One Liners
Which glad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with glad? I can suggest the ones about thank god and delighted.
- The US has placed 18th for math… It sounds bad, I'm just glad we hit top ten.
- I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
- I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
- Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship I really dodged a bullet
- 9/10 Redditors are idiots I'm glad to be the 1%
- I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear. Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
- My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know. I'm so glad she fell for me
- I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.
- Song you sing to your dad on Father's Day? Glad You Came.
- Hey gurl are you an integral? Because I'd gladly replace my x with u.
- I'm just glad eminem will never be a mass shooter He only gets one shot
- Some guys at the gym called me a fat loser today I'm glad they notice my effort.
- What's the loudest color? YELL-O!
(Orange ya glad I didn't say red?) - I'm so glad I learned to lockpick. It's opened so many doors for me.
- I wrote a terrible joke about deaf people. I'm just glad they'll never hear it.
Orange You Glad Jokes
Here is a list of funny orange you glad jokes and even better orange you glad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: Why does it seem most Titles on the Front page have nothing to do with the content of the post? A: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- how many people with alzheimers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? orange you glad i didnt say banana?
- How can you tell a comedian doesn't understand the punchline? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- The Joke People Tell When They Don't Know Any Jokes Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say orange again!
UGHHHHH - What did the doctor say to the scurvy patient? "Orange you glad I didn't say AIDS?"
- My safe word is banana. After s**... I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"
She left me, but it was worth it.
Glad Wrap Jokes
Here is a list of funny glad wrap jokes and even better glad wrap puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
- My parents were poor when I was conceived, but their protection failed. The glad wrap didn't cut it
Happy Glad Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about glad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grateful jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make glad pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and s**... her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I a**... my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
Trying to date someone that doesn't like you is like going to the DMV...
...you get the run-around all day, get frustrated, and when they finally do call your number, you don't feel satisfied, you're just glad its over.
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline
But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day
A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"
... she says: "That was a pretty wild o**..., be glad you don't bark"
I'm really glad they invented shampoo.
imagine having to wash your hair with real p**...?
They say 99% of the population is s**......
I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...
Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
But why everyday?
9 out of 10 Americans are s**......
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...
He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a s**... addiction," he says. "I have s**... at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"
Wife tells her husband that she has big news...
..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.
Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"
The wife responded, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.
An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth
He tells the priest that he just had a t**... with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a t**...," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"
Last night I let my boyfriend indulge his "s**..." fantasy...
I'm glad I got that off my chest.
I finally found a girlfriend!
She was lost untill she found me. I'm glad I could give her a ride to her boyfriend's house.
I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook
If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll s**... anything.
What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?
"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc.
Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!
When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.
I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of h**....
I asked my mom to tell me her best joke.
She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...
...it was a site for sore eyes.
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?
A baaad neigh-borhood.
...
I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.
I'm really glad I finally got a saltwater aquarium
It really tide the room together
Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think that's cute
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who brings a knife on a date
A woman who was married six times had just died.
During the f**... service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"
The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"
"None of them. I was talking about her legs."
I threw my wife a surprise b**... party..
I'm just glad everyone came, you should of seen her face.
A median and a mode walk into a bar.
The bartender says, I'm glad you dumped your buddy. He's mean.
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
I'm glad we have that s**... offender registry.
Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.
What do w**... and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we're inside one at 4am we're glad they're around.
I'm glad they are taking down these Confederate statues
I don't believe in participation trophies.
A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.
The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having s**... with kids, m**... being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.
Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.
The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani.
The Police ask, Do you know how this man died?
The Irishmen reply, No we don't know anything about the man!
The police then ask, Do you know what his name was?
The Irishmen reply again, and they say I told you I don't know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot but never knew anything about him. All I know is that he has two arseholes.
The police asked in shock, Are you sure he had two arseholes?
The Irishmen replied, We're absolutely certain. Every time we went to a bar with him, the barman would always say, 'Look! There's the Pakistani with those two arseholes!'
Wow glad you guys liked this one
Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed
The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!
In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I'm glad about one thing.
Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.
A man has a wonderful Horse
It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it
A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good looking nurse over there? Well, I'm sleeping with her."
I'm glad gay month is nearly over
it's been such a drag.
I was traveling on business, and the night before I came home I called my wife.
I told her, "When I get home, I want to make love with you so badly!"
She said, "I'm glad to see you've stopped overestimating your abilities."
A pair of cows...
... were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
A knight was about to ride off into battle.
Afraid that his wife would be unfaithful, he fitted her with a chastity belt. He gave the key to his best friend, telling him that he was the only person he could trust.
The knight rode off, and an hour later he heard the sound of galloping hoofbeats behind him. His friend rode up next to him.
"I'm glad I caught you," said the friend. "You gave me the wrong key."
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?
Apparently, I did and won't be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...
After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.
I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.
A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.
Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.
But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."
"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"
Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.
One says, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimes in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. The third one responds, Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, That must be the door, I'll get it.
Picked up a hitch-hiker the other day……
the guy said to me I'm glad you stopped, but you do know i could be a serial killer
I said, what's the chances of two serial killers in one car
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
Helpful friend
Two retired elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear.
He said "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
I'm glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.
It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.
