Giving Jokes
175 giving jokes and hilarious giving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about giving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the various aspects of "giving" and how it relates to jokes. From giving directions to giving up drinking, the article looks at how each type of giving can be the source of a joke. Whether giving birth, giving blood, or even giving Tuesday, this article digs into the humor we can find in the everyday act of giving.
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Funniest Giving Short Jokes
Short giving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The giving humour may include short donation jokes also.
- Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
- If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
- Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime
- I just saw my chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
- If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. ...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
- Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
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Giving One Liners
Which giving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with giving? I can suggest the ones about gonna give and gift.
- Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.
- People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cure salmon.
- Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
- What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon
- You have to give President Trump credit Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.
- How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer? Just give it time.
- Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)
- What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys? A neck romancer.
- What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy
- Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10 Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.
- What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift
- What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.
- If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
- I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days Excellent.
- Sadly, the marksman had to give up shooting. After that, his life was aimless.
Giving Up Drinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny giving up drinking jokes and even better giving up drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong
I am giving up. Drinking for a month - If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
- I'm giving up drinking till christmas Bad punctuation, can't edit title
I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas. - My landlord doubled my rent. I'm going to give up drinking for a month. Sorry I missed punctuation there.
I'm going to give up, drinking for a month. - My wife told me I had to give up drinking So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery. - I bought a girl a drink at the bar. It hurt to see her give it to her boyfriend.
But it was hilarious to see him drink the roofie. - After last night, I took a solemn vow to give up drinking for good From now on, I will only drink in the name of evil.
- A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called "Innuendo". So the barkeeper gives it to her.
- I'm broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works. I am hoping she would give me another shot.
- "Hello, barman? Give me another drink!" I yelled.
He said, "I think you've had enough, sir."
"What makes you say that?" I laughed.
He said, "I'm a taxi driver."
Thanks Giving Jokes
Here is a list of funny thanks giving jokes and even better thanks giving puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dear God, If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America. - I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"
- How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day
- A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16. Nuttin the dad responds with a straight face.
Thanks Dad the son says as he gives the dad a hug. - My son said, "Thanks for giving me tips on how to be less lazy." I said, "It's the least I could do."
- If life gives you lemons, politely thank life, then, when life's not looking, throw the lemons into a duck pond.
- I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan Thank god I had someone to cosine
- Batman giving his Batmobile to robin Batman: Robin, im giving you my Batmobile.
Robin: aww really batman? thanks!
Batman: yes, its 555-522-8626 - Thank you God for giving me food to sustain my body, TidePods to clean my clothes, & wisdom to know the difference.
- House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation. Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!
Giving Birth Jokes
Here is a list of funny giving birth jokes and even better giving birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? "Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world. - It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
- A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.
- How do mermaids give birth? A sea section.
- If you help a cow give birth... Did you decalfeinate it?
- Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips… …but it's great for their calves.
- Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
- I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth
- (Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth. Then it became a parent.
- My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks... But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.
Giving Blood Jokes
Here is a list of funny giving blood jokes and even better giving blood puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Give blood, give blood, give blood" everyone says... And then they're all freaked out when they unwrap their presents.
- My motto in life is to always give 100% It does make blood donation quite tricky.
- Whatever you do in life, give 100%... unless you're giving blood.
- I always give 100% in everything I do Donating blood now, can't wait to add this to the list of thi
- i tried to donate blood today. it turns out it has to be your own. now they won't give me back my mason jars.
- I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.
- You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do... Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.
- I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy. Apparently I'm, "a negative".
- A msn walks into a hospital wanting to give blood. They weren't accepting typO's that day.
- Women always say they want a gift that comes from the heart... But if you give them blood they freak out.
Witty Giving Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about giving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean allowing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make giving pranks.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the d**... atrocious.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
You know who's not giving anything up for lent?
Rick Astley.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
All this news about finding the Higgs Boson is so exciting...
It's giving me a Hadron.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What are the two most important holes on a woman?
The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a b**....
*My 10 year old brother told me this today
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
maternity ward
A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.
How did the birthday child respond?
You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lessons.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.
As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried e**... suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having s**....
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!
Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.
However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
vintage Bush joke
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They're giving away Marshawn l**... jerseys at my local sports shop.
But I think I'll pass
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy VS Girl Friends
A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you
The boyfriend says: Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow ?
Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?
I'm giving away parachutes for free.
No strings attached.
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a woman giving you a b**...?
Marry her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman in a coma
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that o**... s**... will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
A Doctor and engineer
A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily
and engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love,
Why are you giving apple ?
Engineer answered : Because
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets...
Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
Bernie Sanders is a true socialist
He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?
Word to your mother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..
She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from s**....
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in i**..., but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have s**....
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have s**... with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?
They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store
turns out they were free of charge.
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
I'm thinking of giving away my broken marionette.
No strings attached
A teacher was giving a math lesson...
...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?
She was a lesbian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you help a cannibal?
By giving him a hand.
I married my wife for her looks.
Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives
He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".
Girl, are you a 3D movie?
Because you're too expensive and giving me a headache.
I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!!
Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
A beautiful girl...
...was giving a pedicure to a man who was at the same time also getting a shave at a salon. The man says
"What about a date later?"
"Am married", she replied.
The man said:
"So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"
She said:
"You should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...
but we shouldn't elect them President.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So h**... decides to go see a psychic...
...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.
And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We need to start giving hurricanes Arab names
Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ladies, here's a tip for giving a great h**....
Use your head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
This girl wants to get me fired for giving her inappropriate shoulder rubs...
Good luck with that, I don't even work there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"
She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the definition of trust?
Two gay cannibals giving each other a b**...
My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping.
It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.
A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.
The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
The Trophy Wife
This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.
So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."
So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"
He says "Wow. How did you do that?"
She says "Easy: Prostitution."
So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"
She says "Everybody!"
I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...
but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their s**.... I think they are completely crazy.
4G must've fried their brains.
I had to really consider my boyfriend's proposal before giving an answer.
On one hand, I'd get a really nice ring.
On the other hand, I wouldn't.
I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.
I don't know what to make of it.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
I'm asking what LGBT is
But everyone keeps giving me straight answers and now I don't have a joke to tell.
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
My wife was giving a speech at her parents' wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.
Now I'll never hear the end of it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a v**...?
Just start giving them bad grades.
