Giving Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong

I am giving up. Drinking for a month

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping.

It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

I'm giving up alcohol for a month....

Wait, sorry. That came out wrong.

I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...

but we shouldn't elect them President.

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector.

All the beeping was giving me a headache and making me sleepy.

Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?

She was a lesbian.

"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

I married my wife for her looks.

Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.

What's the definition of trust?

Two gay cannibals giving each other a blow job

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

My wife screamed, "Give it to me! I'm so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!

But she can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the umbrella

A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

Whatever you do in life, give 100%...

unless you're giving blood.

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector...

...The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!!

Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

We need to start giving hurricanes Arab names

Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.


The husband replies, It looks like he's still celebrating.

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

You know who's not giving anything up for lent?

Rick Astley.

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her.

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

I unplugged my carbon monoxide detector from the wall today

All that beeping was giving me headaches and making me feel nauseous

What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away.

He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.

On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I heard that they're giving him a really tough sentence.

They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop.

But I think I'll pass

This girl wants to get me fired for giving her inappropriate shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don't even work there.

A Doctor and engineer

A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily
and engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love,
Why are you giving apple ?
Engineer answered : Because
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

What are the funniest giving jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Giving? Well, here are the best Giving puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Giving pick up lines to share with friends.

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