Giving Directions Jokes
52 giving directions jokes and hilarious giving directions puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about giving directions that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Giving Directions Short Jokes
Short giving directions jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The giving directions humour may include short giving jokes also.
- Why do single women take advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving ray charles driving directions
- I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up. It only gives directions to Poland.
- The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him. He kept saying "give me direction".
- (from my 8 year old) What do you call a Mexican chicken giving directions? Arrows con Pollo
- My dad was driving and I was giving directions. "Left on Bishop, Right on Main, Left on Miranda" He says, "I've heard of Miranda Rights, but never Miranda Lefts!"
- Never give the sum of all forces and the directions of movement to a rope It just wants a tension.
- Give a man a taco and you feed him for a day... Give him directions to Taco Bell and you feed him for life.
- What's the first direction Siri gives Santa after taking off from the north pole? Head South.
- My moral compass is broken... ...so I got an ethical GPS instead. It gives lousy directions but I always end up meeting the nicest people.
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Giving Directions One Liners
Which giving directions one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with giving directions? I can suggest the ones about direction inside and direction.
- Dolphins give the worst directions I always have to ask them to be more Pacific
- What does a gay guy say to another gay guy while giving directions? Go linear! Go linear!
- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
- How to be insulting when giving directions: Point with four fingers when they ask.
- Why is h**... so bad at giving directions? Because all he says is "take the Third r**..."
- I asked a g**... for directions once The only one he could give me was straight up
- How does the l**... give directions? "It's straight ahead, just *follow* my finger".
Giving Directions Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about giving directions you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean use as directed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make giving directions pranks.
"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end.
"
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old couple had been married for 30 years...
And every morning for those three decades, at precisely 6:30 am, the man would release a horrendous f**... that would gag a maggot! His wife would be awakened by said f**... and the man would laugh. Oftentimes he would give her the ole' "Dutch Oven". Every time, however, the disgusted wife would exclaim "One day, you're gonna f**... your guts out!". The husband would then laugh harder and perhaps wave a little more foul air in her direction.
One day, it was thanksgiving. The wife gets up much earlier to begin food preparation for the feast. As she is removing the innards of her fleshy killed turkey, she gets an idea. She gathers up the fowl gut and brings them upstairs to her sleeping husband. She then deposited the entrails into the back of his jockeys. She returns to her kitchen and waits for 6:30.
When 6:30 arrives, she hears the earth shattering flatulence all the way downstairs which is followed immediately by a despairing cry. The woman giggles behind her hand.
Several minutes later, her husband comes to her kitchen, white-faced and wide-eyed. He says, "All this time, you were right. I finally f**... my guts out!" The wife says, " My goodness! Really?". He replies, "Yeah, but I got em' all back in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give the frog a loan.
A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller, "Please, ma'am," he says. "I need to take out a loan so I can feed my family."
"Do you have any sort of photo-ID?" The teller asks.
"No," the frog replies. "But I do have this!" The frog pulls out a small golden elephant.
The teller looks at the elephant, "I'm sorry but without proper photo identification I cannot give you a loan."
"Please! My family is hungry and we really need the money!" The frog looks at the teller's name-tag, "Please, Patty, I'm good for the money. This elephant was given to me by m**... Jagger. Please take it as collateral."
The teller looks from the frog to the elephant and sighs, "Give me a moment, I'm going to go talk to my manager and I'll see what I can do."
"Oh thank you so much!" The frog jumps joyfully as Patty walks into the back room and approaches her manager.
"Sir, there is a frog out in front that wants a loan. He has no form of photo-ID, but claims that he is good for the money. He has a small golden elephant that was given to him by m**... Jagger that he wants to use as collateral... What should I do?"
The manager looks Patty directly in the eyes and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty-whack. Give the frog a loan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Native American boy walks up to the the Chief of his tribe...
He says to the Chief "Great Chief, where do the people of our tribe get their names?" the chief replies, "Well, each infant is given a name by their father seconds before the mother gives birth. You see, what the father does is observe the nature around them and let its spirit inspire them." The boy says "I see, this makes some sense to me." and the Chief explains to the boy, "You're friend, Soaring-eagle, received his name when his father saw an eagle fly directly above the hut that his wife was giving birth in." The boy still looked slightly confused, so the Chief asked "Why exactly are you seeking this information. Did you want to know where you're name originated, Twodogsfucking?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the v**... mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"
Taking his son golfing
Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy.
When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard.
"Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"
"OK Daddy!" His son replied.
So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith. Every other shot, it seemed, went into the rough, a sand trap or somewhere other than where he wanted. After a long, hot arduous round, he was ready to hit the 19th hole...but first he had to get the score.
"Ok Timmy, what do you have my score at for today?"
His son pulled out the scorecard and counted up the total and said "I have you with a 72 dad."
"72? That's amazing! That's like 50 strokes lower than my average. Are you sure you wrote down the number I said for every hole?"
"Yeah, you yelled Fore! on every hole."
(For those who don't know about golf, "Fore" is a yell you give when your ball is going in the direction of other golfers)
A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...
The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...
... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
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Bonus: i**... is a family-wise error.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once upon a time, there was a computer
Once upon a time, there was a village idiot. He excelled at doing precisely what he was told to do. However, being an idiot, he never questioned his orders.
His parents convinced the village blacksmith to apprentice the idiot.
The blacksmith explains to the idiot, "Grab a rod with these tongs, and put it on the anvil, and I'll hit it with this hammer." The idiot puts the rod on the anvil OK, but it's at the wrong angle. The blacksmith realizes his instructions were a little vague on that point, and he tries giving clearer directions. But it's no use -- he can't explain it precisely enough for the idiot to hold the rod just right.
So the blacksmith says, "Let's change jobs -- **I'll** position the rod and **you** hit it with the hammer." The instant the blacksmith touches the rod to the anvil, before even he has a chance to position it properly, the idiot starts hammering away at the rod.
Frustrated, the blacksmith thinks to himself -- how can he phrase this so there's NO POSSIBLE WAY the idiot can screw up? Aha!
The blacksmith says: "I am going to put the rod on the anvil -- **do not** hit it. When I nod my head, you hit it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite goes to a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
I am starting a new psychological assistance program across the country but at the local level....
...it is more direct than most. You register, commit to giving a certain amount to the psychologically disadvantaged in your area, and we give you options of who to give to, you choose how...................................... It is called:
The FUNDAMENTAL PROGRAM
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy VS Girl Friends
A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you
The boyfriend says: Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow ?
Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stutter
An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-a**... k-k-kicked?
The man and the cat
There once was a man who hated his wife's cat.
One day he decided to get rid of it so he grabbed the cat and drove 5 miles away.
He got back home and to his surprise the cat was home before him.
Not wanting to give up, he picked the cat up again and drove 25 miles away
Again he returned home just to see the cat there before him again.
"THAT'S IT!" Exclaimed the man.
He grabbed the cat again and drove 50 miles away going through many back roads in the country and dropped the cat off in the middle of nowhere.
Hours passed by.
The wife received a call by the husband.
"Honey is the cat there yet?"
"Yes, why?"
"Can you put him on the phone? I need directions back home..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite goes to a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
The Perks of Being Rich
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I am very rich. Marry me! That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, He's very rich. Marry him. That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me. That's Telemarketing.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I'm rich. Marry me! She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite goes to a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite! looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You ever notice that gay people won't answer direct questions about their s**... lives?
I guess they don't give straight answers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mysterious German ghost gives a young man directions.
Make another r**....
This is the fourth right in a row, you sure you know where we're going?
Ja.
Preparations for parenthood.
Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to your local drug store, dump the contents of your wallet on the counter and give it the pharmacist. Then, go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary direct-deposit to their headquarters. Go home, pick up the paper and read it for the very last time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
A popular joke within the Jewish community: Four Rabbis are arguing late at night over a passage of the Talmud
Three of the four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition.
After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!
All of the sudden, lighting cracks directly next to the synagogue, splitting a tree perfectly in half without singeing a single leaf or blade of grass below.
The first three rabbis pause, before one of them declares,
* That's still two against three! *
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
You're coming empty handed"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A visit to my grandmother
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
visiting grandma...
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
My friend who's father is a multi-billionaire
My friend whose father is a multi-billionaire loves to talk about his extravagant lifestyle. One day, I asked him just exactly how large is the land owned by his father.
He answered I'll give you an idea, I can start driving at one end of the land in the morning at full speed, in one direction, and still not reach the other side of the land at night.
I could totally relate to that , I said
Really?
Yeah, I drive a Hyundai