Giving Blood Jokes
102 giving blood jokes and hilarious giving blood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about giving blood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Giving Blood Short Jokes
Short giving blood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The giving blood humour may include short donating blood jokes also.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.
- I always give 100% in everything I do Donating blood now, can't wait to add this to the list of thi
- i tried to donate blood today. it turns out it has to be your own. now they won't give me back my mason jars.
- You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do... Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.
- I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy. Apparently I'm, "a negative".
- A msn walks into a hospital wanting to give blood. They weren't accepting typO's that day.
- Women always say they want a gift that comes from the heart... But if you give them blood they freak out.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
- At the doctor's office, the nurse asked me if I was OK with drawing blood. I said "I've never done it before, but I'm willing to give it a shot."
Share These Giving Blood Jokes With Friends
Giving Blood One Liners
Which giving blood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with giving blood? I can suggest the ones about blood donation and taking blood.
- My motto in life is to always give 100% It does make blood donation quite tricky.
- Whatever you do in life, give 100%... unless you're giving blood.
- Whatever you do, always give 100% Unless you're donating blood
- I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.
- What type of blood do you give to a pessimistic person? B Positive
- My wife was looking tired after giving blood I asked if she felt drained...
- What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.
- Give 100% in everything you do Except giving blood
- When Chuck Norris donates blood, he gives twenty gallons.
None of it is his own. - Q: What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students?
A: A blood test. - When Chuck Norris gives blood... ...he asks for a handgun and a bucket.
- Took the family out for doughnuts They did not like having to give blood.
- What do you call it when a s**... gangster gives you an ultimatum? High blood pressure.
Giving Blood Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about giving blood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean blood drive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make giving blood pranks.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.
I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
An old woman goes to the doctor's office.
The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and u**... tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away.
A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large pile of $10 bills ....
He asks the bartender what the pile of money is about, and the bartender tells him, "We have a long-running contest here. You put in $10, and if you can complete three tasks, you get to walk away with the whole pile."
"What are the three tasks?" asks the man.
"Well, first you have to go over there in the corner, grab that large bottle of tequila, and c**...-a-lug the whole thing in one go without making a face.
"Second, you have to go out back where we keep Killer, our crazy mongrel wild dog, and extract one of his teeth using only your bare hands.
"If you get this far, you're going up to the fourth floor. There's an 80-year-old woman living there. She's a v**..., and you have to deflower her."
"Fine," says the man, "I can do this." He throws down his $10, goes over to the corner, grabs the tequila, and downs the whole thing without making a face. The bar patrons give him a light round of applause.
Already feeling tipsy, he stumbles to the back door. For the next three minutes, horrible, guttural animal sounds emanate. He stumbles back in, hair wild, clothes torn to shreds, covered in cuts, bruises, and blood, and growls, "Alright, now where's that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
The Secret of the Red Shirt
Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Caught by a local tribe.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a p**..., cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a p**... for me please." The chief gives him a p**..., the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you s**... cannibal!
(my dad told me this one)
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Sorry, I Can't do That!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Are my t**... black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Three vampires walk into a vampiric bar...
... they all sit down at the bar and the first vampire says, " I'll take a shot of O-", the bartender gives him his shot
"I'll take a cup of AB+ please" says the second vampire, the bartender gives him his blood and turns to the third vampire
"what do ya want?" asks the bartender
"can I get a cup of hot water?" says the third vampire. The bartender gives him a confused look but gets him his hot water and sets it infront of him
"what are ya gonna do with the water" asks the bartender.
The third vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm making tea"
Donating s**...
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate s**..., myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman (shaking her head): "Mnph Mnph!"
Arthur and the nun
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple v**... on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the v**... in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"
Hungry bats
Heard from my father- So there is this family of bats who are out of luck. Not a single prey in a week. Everybody is hungry and desperate for food and then one of the younger bats (lets call him Gary) shows up with his mouth dripping blood. Everyone is envious about Gary's catch and ask him where he made the kill. Gary denies getting any food. Everyone calls b**.... After a lot of persuation, he gives up and asks everybody to follow him. He flies to one of the trees in the woods and says "Do you see that tree?"
"YES!!" roar the crowd in anticipation.. Gary turns around and says "Well, I didn't."
Bikers riding drunk
A cop was staking out the local pub for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Display of courage in House of Leaves.
From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious.
The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
Three men in prison are about to be executed.
There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of h**....
The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.
Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.
The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the h**... injection.
The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.
"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a c**... the whole time!"
You know the story of the guy who looked pale, right?
This o**... is looking really pale, so his friend tells him ¨dude, you're anemic¨. Of course, our guy doesn't believe this, so his friend says ¨I know about these symptoms, you're definitely anemic¨ and bets him 25 bucks on this. "OK", our guy says, "challenge accepted." Together they go to the doctor. While his friend waits outside, the doctor runs some tests, takes some blood, the whole shebang, and after the doctor finishes and gives his diagnosis, the pale guy triumphantically walks out of the hospital and happily greets his friend.
¨So, did you have anemia as I told you?¨, his friend asks. To which he happily blurts out:
¨No dude, you owe me 25 bucks! Doc says I have stomach cancer :)¨
Pirate captain and his clothing
This Pirate Captain is sailing his boat when he sees a merchant ship he wishes to raid. He know a battle will ensue so he tells his first mate, "First mate, fetch me my red shirt." The first mate gives a funny look, fetches the shirt then asks, "Sir, tell me, why a red shirt?" The captain replies, "For morale. When the battle ensues people will be hurt. So, if I am hurt and bleed, my blood will be concealed by the shirt so the crew's morale will not be lowered as their captain dies." The first mate thought it was genious. So the battle happend and no casualties. The Captain raids more ships with his red shirt until one day he comes upon the Spanish Armada. He looks to his first mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Three vampires walk into a bar...
...and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.
1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood."
2nd vampire: "I want a double shot."
3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water."
The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"
The vampire pulls out a t**... and replies "I'm making tea."
An Arab and a Jew
There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….
A policeman pulls over a driver...
for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
I can't do that, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.
Okay, we'll just get a u**... sample down at the station.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.
Alright, we could get a blood sample.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.
Fine then, just walk this white line.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm drunk.
t**.... (Not sure if a repost, found this joke on a fb page)
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results -back?
An Arab needed a heart transplant
, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke
One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and v**... flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil." The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, "Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right?" The Golden fish nodded. "And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land?" Again, nodding in affirmation. "Alright, just fill it full of water then."
An elderly couple go to the doctor......
for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a u**... sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".
Lessons.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Some Tim Vine jokes...
"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."
"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."
"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."
"I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."
"I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."
"I cant remember my homing pigeon's name but am sure it will come back to me."
"Did you know the best selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? Its flying off the shelves."
"So i was reading this book about the history of glue.... I couldn't put it down."
3 vampires walk into a bar
There were these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and v**...." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and v**.... The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and v**...." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and v**.... The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a mug of hot water." The bartender gives him a surprised look, "Why do you want a mug of hot water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty t**... and says, "It's tea time."
Nurse, are mt t**... black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
An old man is lying bed in at the hospital...
An old man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, ' he mumbles from behind the mask, are my t**... black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my t**... black?
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?
Black t**...?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... in the other.. Then, she takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful – but please listen very, very closely to me: 'Are – my – test – results – back?"
A vampire walked into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood.
The bartender give the vampire a shot of blood.
Vampire pays, drinks, says thanks and then leaves.
The next time the vampire walks into the bar, orders a shot of blood, same thing happens. Bartender gives the shot of blood, vampire pays drinks and leaves.
Third time the vampire walked into the bar, the bartender gets ready to poor a shot of blood. Vampire says "no thanks I would just like a mug of hot water please".
Bartender says "what would a vampire want with a mug of hot water"
Vampire takes out a dirty t**... and says "it's tea time".
Former President George W. Bush was giving his speech when suddenly...
... an anti-Bush campaign leader ran to the platform and said "I hate you! I hate America because of you!". Before security had any time to respond, the guy pulled out a syringe and stabbed Pres. Bush on the arm and said "Ha! That was my blood inside the syringe! And I have AIDS! Goodbye, Bush!"
After the commotion, Pres. Bush was surprisingly calm. The media asked him "So, are you ok? You have AIDS now! What are you gonna do?"
Pres. Bush replied "Ow, don't worry about that. I have protection - I'm was wearing a c**... when he stabbed me."
Are My t**... Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my t**... black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my t**...
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his t**... in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'
A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a...
...a pint of blood and some crisps.
Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps.
"Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down.
A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells him there's no blood, just peanuts . Like the first vampire he takes the peanuts and sits next to the first.
A third Vampire walks in and asks the barmaid for a pint of water and some pork scratchings. the barmaid gives the vampire what he asks for and sits down next to the other two.
"Water?! whats wrong with you!? why not blood?!" asks the first vampire
"Oh thats easy!" replies number three. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used t**.... "Never heard of a T-bag?"
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The vampires sit down and greet the vampire bartender. The bartender asks, "what will you be having?" The first vampire says, "give me a shot of blood." The bartender fills a shot glass with blood and hands it to him. The bartender then asks the second vampire, "what would you like?" The second vampire says, "a shot of blood sounds good, give me one as well." The bartender gives him the shot of blood. The bartender then goes over to the third vampire and asks, "what would you like?" The third vampire says, "I would like some hot water." The bartender as well as the other two vampires look extremely perplexed and ask, "what do you want hot water for?" The third vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "makin' tea."
A guy walks into a hospital and sees a really attractive female with brunette hair sitting down.
And sits right next to her to make conversation.
Guy:Hi, What are you here for?
Girl:I am donating blood.
Guy:How much are they giving you for your blood?
Girl:$50 for a pint, what about you? why are you here?
Guy:Oh, I am donating s**....
Girl: Cool, how much are they giving you?
Guy:$300
Girl:Wow *surprised/shocked face*
Then the two go there separate ways. The next day the female walks into the hospital and sits next to the same guy she met yesterday and the guy says "Are you donating blood?"
And the girl whose mouth cheeks are puffed up shakes her head no
A joke I heard from a regular customer.
A police man stops a car and sees a nerdy little man sitting at the wheel...
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"
The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."
"Good on you! I'm here to donate s**...," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."
The woman woman looked thoughtful for a brief moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "Here to donate blood again?"
The woman shakes her head with her mouth closed and replies with a muffled, "Unh unh."
Vampires at the bar
Rich Vampire: I want a fresh blood from a healthy human!
Ordinary Vampire: Ordinary blood please!
Poor Vampire: Excuse me! Can you give me a hot water? I'll make tea instead. (pulls out t**...)
Three vampires walk into a bar.
First vampire asks the bartender for a shot of blood, the bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it and leaves.
The second vampire also asks the bartender for a shot of blood, he drinks it and leaves.
The third vampires asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender looks puzzled and says, _"a glass of water?"_ The vampires pulls out a used t**... and says, _"tea time."_
A Vampire met a genie
"I'll give you three wishes, no more, no less" Said the Genie to the Vampire.
"I want to have wings. It's weird to be able to fly without wings." Said the Vampire.
"It shall be done, what about the second wish?"
"I want virgins! Lots of virgins!"
"It shall be done, and the last?"
"I want blood! Lots of blood!"
"Abracadabra hocus pocus" The genie casted the spell.
****p**...****
.
.
.
.
.
And the Vampire turned into a sanitary pad.
A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to the doctor's office.
The doctor takes blood and runs a few tests, takes a few other samples, and runs a few more tests. He finally finishes his diagnosis, and begins delivering the results.
"Sir," says the doctor, "I have good news, and bad news. Which would you like first?"
"Give me the good news, doc."
"Well, you're going to be famous!"
"Really? How's that?" Questions the man.
"They're going to name a disease after you!"
An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office
After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, f**..., u**... and if possible s**... for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"
A bystander offered to give a bleeding man some blood.
When the EMTs asked him if he was sure his blood was compatible, he replied,
"O, positive."
I have a dilemma. They say you should always give 100%, and I was raised to give 110%...
but... I am at the blood center.
BOB: "The Red Cross won't let me give blood."
DENICE: "Why not?!"
BOB: "Because I've had s**... with a man since 1978."
ELMER: "*Really?!* You two must be really tired!"
I'm starting to get a bit self conscious about my weight [oc]
When I went for a physical last week I asked the nurse to weigh me after drawing blood but before giving me the flu shot.
Giving blood
While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the s**... bank and got three hundred dollars for that.
About a month later he runs into her again at the hospital. Are you back giving blood, he asked. With her cheeks puffed out, shaking her head no she muttered, um-um, um-um.
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
Three politicians were captured by terrorists...
Terrorists: We will infect you with AIDS by injecting you with a syringe with infected blood unless you give in to our demands.
Politician G: No, i will not give in.
Politician N: We do not negotiate with terrorists.
Politician E: Go ahead, do your worst.
The terrorists & politicians were taken aback by E's audacity. The terrorists regroup & thinks this is a bluff.
The politicians huddled quietly within themselves.
Politician G & N to E: What are you doing? AIDS is a very serious matter.
E: I know, but i know i will not be infected.
G & N: How? Why not?
E: Haha, these terrorists don't know i'm wearing a c**... right now.
My dad passed away last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the doctors to give him a transfusion
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's really hard without him.
An Arab needed a heart transplant
, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?
An old man and his wife go to the doctor...
After the examination the doctor says, "OK sir we just need to get a u**... sample, stool sample, blood sample and a s**... sample."
The old man, hard of hearing, turns to his wife, "What'd he say?"
The woman says, "give him your underwear"