The Best 83 Giving Birth Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Giving Birth jokes. There are some giving birth pregnant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these giving birth thanks giving puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Giving Birth Jokes and Puns
How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?
Her wine broke.
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started banging his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
(Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth.
Then it became a parent.
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had sex with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
maternity ward
A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
A logician's wife is having a baby...
She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.
On this planet...
Every 10 seconds... there is a woman giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped!
Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips…
…but it's great for their calves.
You can explore giving birth obstetrician reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean giving birth congratulations dad jokes. There are also giving birth puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
Old Native American joke
A young Indian boy was curious about how he got his name. He asked the chief, "Chief, how do we get our names?"
The Chief answers him, "We give names by what is outside of the teepee during ones birth.
"When your mom was born, it was a beautiful April day, so we named her BlueSky.
"After your dad's birth we were greeted by a majestic deer, so we named him WhiteTail."
The chief looked at the boy a little puzzled,
"Why do you ask BearFuckingBear?"
Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?"
"No son. Of course not"
"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
The Albino and the Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.
She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".
A boy goes with his mother in a taxi,
In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.
We need to stop this woman.
A cat gives birth in a public park...
...and is fined $50 for littering.
Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs?
She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
Just helped a girl give birth...
OP delivered.
A man's sister is giving birth, but she can't think of what to name it.
So the man goes to his good friend and asks; "what should my sister name her child?"
And his friend says, "Denise."
The man asks, "but what if her child is a boy?"
And his friend asks for some time to think.
So the man waits a few days and then returns to his friend.
He asks, "have you thought of a name yet?"
"Yes, Denephew."
Why did the cat give birth at the park?
Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"
What sex position gives birth to the ugliest children?
Ask your parents.
A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months.
After she wakes up the doctor says "stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."
The mother is worried "Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
The mother looks relieved "well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"
"Denephew"
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".
When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor...
- When can we have sex?
He winked at me and replied
- My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.
A pregnant woman goes into a coma
A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."
How does mother nature give birth?
With a sea-section
Somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth once a minute.
It must suck to be her.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.
The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs
I just woke up from a 13month coma
Just in time to see my wife give birth
Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?
I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
They should make birth control for men
Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.
Why aren't men supposed to give birth?
Because if they did everyone would look like spaghetti.
George's son
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
How do mermaids give birth?
A sea section.
Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus?
She made a prophet!
A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.
When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"
It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.
Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks...
But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.
A biologist gives birth ...........
A biologist gives birth to a set of twins. She names one Jessica and the other Control.
A blonde gives the final push while giving birth in a hospital.
The doctor tells her the gender and is about to lay the baby in her arms. The blonde says, Can you please do a DNA test before I get too attached? My boyfriend's been cheating and I want to make sure it's mine.
If you help a cow give birth...
Did you decalfeinate it?
I was stopped by a policeman and he asked me why I was speeding.
"Care to explain why you were going double the speed limit?" he asked.
I said, "I'm sorry, but my wife's about to give birth, I must hurry."
"Oh," he hesitated, "are you going to pick her up?"
"No, I'm going to the airport."
A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...
The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
Woman: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your baby is a red head.
Woman: Oh no! Well what's the good news?
Doctor: He's dead
A first place winner at the International Pun Contest
A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
How do you know a pregnant eskimo is going to give birth
Her water cracks
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth
I've been expecting you Mr. Bond
A woman is giving birth and her husband rushes to the hospital to be there.
On his way, he decides to call the hospital to see how she's doing but he accidentally calls the local cricket ground. Someone answers.
Hi. How's everything going there?
Well... we have three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. Last one was a Duck.
In these strange times, the doctors forced me to wear glasses while I was giving birth to my son.
They insisted on contactless delivery.
The twins
A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."
Seasonal depression is kinda like a catholic woman giving birth...
It's gonna happen whether you like it or not and once it's done you know the next one's only 9 months away.
how do mermaids give birth?
they get a sea-section
I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...
I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).
I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said no, it's because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.
A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.
He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"
A woman gives birth to a boy...
Husband: I know what we should name him.
Wife: What?
Husband: 'Setting a house on fire'
Wife: What? Why?
Husband: Because he is arson.
Husband calls 911.
\- Please send an ambulance immediately. My wife is about to give birth.
\- Is THIS her first baby?
\- No, I am her husband.
I imagine doing a massive shit is a lot like giving birth;
You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.
What do you call it when your giving birth but there is no one there to help.
Mid-wife crisis
A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.
After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"
A woman is giving birth on a boat
The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.
It's a buoy.
What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?
Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh
What do you call an Appalachian Person that helps women give birth?
A Mountain Doula
3 boys were having a debate who had the healthiest grandma
Boy 1: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!
Boy 2: No I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!
Boy 3: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital...
Boy 1 and 2 looking confused
Boy 1: If she's so healthy why is she in the hospital?
Boy 3: Cause she's giving birth right now!
After a long labourous birth...
... the gynecologist finally holds the baby. Just as he is about to give it to the mom, he drops it on the floor.
The mother cries out in distress, and the doctor goes: "April's fools! It was already dead!"
How do bees give birth?
They have B-sections.
A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.
Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~
.
.
.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate one mongoose.
PS here is another.
a joke we tell in Ukraine
A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said I'm sorry— your wife didn't make it.
I said, Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the giving birth birth day jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working giving birth giving head piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.