Giving Birth Jokes
131 giving birth jokes and hilarious giving birth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about giving birth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Giving Birth Short Jokes
Short giving birth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The giving birth humour may include short give birth jokes also.
- How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? "Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world. - It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
- Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
- A logician's wife is having a baby... She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.
- (Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth. Then it became a parent.
- My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks... But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.
- A biologist gives birth ........... A biologist gives birth to a set of twins. She names one Jessica and the other Control.
- Why did the cat give birth at the park? Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"
- Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth every three seconds... We've got to find that woman and stop her!!!!!!!
- Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?" "No son. Of course not"
"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"
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Giving Birth One Liners
Which giving birth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with giving birth? I can suggest the ones about gave birth and childbirth.
- Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. We need to stop this woman.
- A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.
- How do mermaids give birth? A sea section.
- If you help a cow give birth... Did you decalfeinate it?
- Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips… …but it's great for their calves.
- Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
- How did the cow feel after giving birth? Decaffeinated.
- I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth
- Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus? She made a prophet!
- How does mother nature give birth? With a sea-section
- What method is used to give birth to baby pirate? Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh
- how do mermaids give birth? they get a sea-section
- How do you know a pregnant eskimo is going to give birth Her water cracks
- How do bees give birth? They have B-sections.
- What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth I've been expecting you Mr. Bond
Cheerful Giving Birth Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about giving birth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baby birth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make giving birth pranks.
How did the v**... Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?
Her wine broke.
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had s**... with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
maternity ward
A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
On this planet...
Every 10 seconds... there is a woman giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped!
Old Native American joke
A young Indian boy was curious about how he got his name. He asked the chief, "Chief, how do we get our names?"
The Chief answers him, "We give names by what is outside of the teepee during ones birth.
"When your mom was born, it was a beautiful April day, so we named her BlueSky.
"After your dad's birth we were greeted by a majestic deer, so we named him WhiteTail."
The chief looked at the boy a little puzzled,
"Why do you ask BearFuckingBear?"
The three fathers
A jew, a turkish and a german guy are all waiting in the hospital, while their wifes are giving birth to their sons.
Through a mistake in the hospital, the three babies get confused and none of them knows which one is his.
The german guy says: "No problem dudes, I got this" and walks into the room with the babies.
Three minutes later, every father is holding his son in hands. The other two ask: "How did you do that!?"
"Easy", said the german, "I came in and yelled 'Heil h**...!'. My son raised his arm, the jew s**... himself and the turk cleaned it up."
mermaid procreation
how does a mermaid give birth?
sea section
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
The Albino and the Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.
She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".
What do you call a sheep giving birth in a bedroom?
Bedlam
A boy goes with his mother in a taxi,
In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to n**... cubs?
She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
An Angel came to Mary
"She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel. "
To which Mary replied, "Yikes... I kinda already picked out Jesus"
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
A woman gives birth to triplets
She and her husband are trying to figure out why so many.
"It was probably that time we ran out of lubricant and we used 3-in-one oil instead." says the wife. "Good thing we didn't use WD-40."
A man's sister is giving birth, but she can't think of what to name it.
So the man goes to his good friend and asks; "what should my sister name her child?"
And his friend says, "Denise."
The man asks, "but what if her child is a boy?"
And his friend asks for some time to think.
So the man waits a few days and then returns to his friend.
He asks, "have you thought of a name yet?"
"Yes, Denephew."
What s**... position gives birth to the ugliest children?
Ask your parents.
911
Worker > ,What's your emergency?
Man > My wife is going to give birth!
Worker > Is this her first born?
Man > No,it's her husband
*Ba Dum Tss*
The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."
Mary : I have a boyfriend
A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months.
After she wakes up the doctor says "stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."
The mother is worried "Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
The mother looks relieved "well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"
"Denephew"
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".
Which s**... position gives birth to the mostly ugly children?
Ask your mom
When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor...
- When can we have s**...?
He winked at me and replied
- My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.
A pregnant woman goes into a coma
A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."
Solution to overpopulation
Professor : "Over population is a big problem in our country. A woman in India gives birth every minute!"
Student : "Somebody should stop her!!"
Somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth once a minute.
It must s**... to be her.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.
The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs
Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?
I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
I wish I were Mary from the Bible
She gives birth to a child and her parents still believe she's a v**...
The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room
The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".
They should make birth control for men
Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.
Why aren't men supposed to give birth?
Because if they did everyone would look like spaghetti.
George's son
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.
When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"
A blonde gives the final push while giving birth in a hospital.
The doctor tells her the gender and is about to lay the baby in her arms. The blonde says, Can you please do a DNA test before I get too attached? My boyfriend's been cheating and I want to make sure it's mine.
I was stopped by a policeman and he asked me why I was speeding.
"Care to explain why you were going double the speed limit?" he asked.
I said, "I'm sorry, but my wife's about to give birth, I must hurry."
"Oh," he hesitated, "are you going to pick her up?"
"No, I'm going to the airport."
Why can't men give birth?
There's not enough w**...!
Senator Duckworth might become the first senator to give birth in office
I don't know why she wouldn't rather do it in the hospital though
A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...
The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
Woman: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your baby is a red head.
Woman: Oh no! Well what's the good news?
Doctor: He's dead
What did Ronald McDonald's wife say when she was about to give birth?
Sorry, water machine broke.
After giving birth, how will Cardi B lose weight?
Cardi O
A first place winner at the International Pun Contest
A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?
Ewe
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
What's the hardest part of giving birth to a shampoo bottle?
Head and shoulders
A woman who is a month pregnant falls into a deep coma. Three months after giving birth, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?
Woman: Of course, the good news.
Doctor: You had twins, both girls, and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them.
Woman: Oh, that drummer... What did he name the girls?
Doctor: Anna 1, Anna 2
Found On A Bathroom Wall
Here I sit
taking a dump,
Giving birth
to another Trump
In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.
Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.
Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.
The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a vending machine and get a bottle of Coke, to whom does the bottle belongs?
Vending machines or yours?
Which mammal is known to spend most of it's life in air but gives birth on land?
Student : Air Hostess
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
Two pregnant women on a bench were talking to each other.
They saw a fat guy with a big belly. On seeing the fat guy, one said, " I will give birth to a handsome boy." On this the other said, " I will give birth to you a beautiful girl."
With intention to make fun of the guy , they asked the fat guy, "What are you gonna give birth to?"
He said I am gonna give birth to a young elephant and drops his pants.
" See, the trunk's coming out".
Adoption Joke
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
