give me a beer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious give me a beer puns

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

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A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

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Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number. I looked at her said, Have you got a pen. She said, I sure do." I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.

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Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

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How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old heifer (a woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do." I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

My dental surgery is this Friday.

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A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich ยฃ5

Ham Sandwich ยฃ5

Handjob ยฃ5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the ยฃ5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

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A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, Give me a beer before the problems start!
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, Give me a beer before the problems start!

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man When are you going to pay for these beers?

The man answers, Now the problems start!

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A man walks into a bar and notices a sign [NSFW]

It reads

-Beer $2
-Cheese Sandwich $1
-Hand Jobs 50ยข

The man, sits down and has a few drinks.

Now quite drunk, he looks over at the aging bartender and slurs.

"Are you the woman who gives the Hand Jobs?"

"Yes I am sweetie." She replies with a wink.

"Well wash your fuckin' hands bitch, I want a Cheese Sandwich."

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How I lost my teeth...

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.
She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.
I looked at her said, Have you got a pen.
She said, I sure do."
I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.

My dental surgery is on Monday.

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Have you got a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar
waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old
heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on
the ass. She said,"Hey sexy, how about giving
me your number."I looked at her said,"Have you
got a pen."She said,"I sure do."I said,"Well,
you better get back into it before the farmer
notices you're missing."

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar. On the wall he reads the menu: Beer $1; Chicken Sandwiches $2; and Hand Jobs $4. Interested he walks to the bar counter where he finds a voluptuous and sexy woman. He calls her closer with a smile and whispers, "Are you the one giving the hand jobs?". She smiles, pushes her breasts, licks her lips and whispers, "Yes, baby". The man replies, "Well in that case, please wash your hands because I'd like a chicken sandwich."

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Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

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Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

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Beer is good.


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

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Duck a Fuck

A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.

He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said Ok . They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.

They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.

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A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job".

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.

"Something about a job. "

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A man tells his wife he's going to the store...

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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A German, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They all order beer but before they can drink it an ant falls into each of their mugs. The German takes out the ant and says " Zis wont stop me" and drinks it all. The Englishman pushes it aside and says "barman give me another". The Irishman pulls the ant out, holds it in front of his face and screams "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD"

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 was a slob of a boyfriend. He was always coming home bedraggled and ragged, snot dripping from his nose and crusty beer drippings left on the corners of his mouth.
But it got worse, and worse. When he was sober, he was mean to 6. Always telling her to get my dinner and Don't you give me no fuckin' lip, bitch! And when he was drunk, he was meaner than the day is long. He would slap 6 and push her around all careless-like between giving her orders, and if she ever spoke up -- and she *never* spoke up -- but if she did he wouldn'ta thought twice to give 6 a black eye. Now all this in mind, she was mighty fearful of 7, but not enough to leave him. But 7 just got drunker and drunker and drunker. And 6 got more and more afraid of him. She didn't leave him.

Then eventually 6 was found dead in a ditch. Her head was caved in with a baseball bat. 7 went to prison

6 was afraid of 7.

Was.

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Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

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A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

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Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fish 24:7

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An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"

Irishman says "I want to live forever"

Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"

Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"

Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"

Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"

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A man who's been drinking at a bar throws up down the front of his shirt.

Remembering that his wife told him not to drink too much tonight, he starts panicking. My wife's going to kill me, he says to himself.

An old drunk next to him notices what's happened and says, Naw. Don't worry about it. Just put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home, explain that some other guy puked all over your shirt and gave you a ten spot to pay for getting it cleaned.

So, feeling better about his situation, the man continues drinking until last call. When he gets home his wife is furious, just as he predicted. I told you not to get so drunk! She says. You threw up all over yourself! Give me that shirt. I need to soak it so it won't stain.

He smiles broadly while handing over the shirt. Oh sweetie, I only had a couple of beers. An old drunk next to me at the bar actually threw up on me. That's why he put ten dollars in the front pocket.

She reaches into the pocket. This is a twenty.

Oh yeah. Well, he shit in my pants, too.

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Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

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Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

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A man walks into an Australian bar. . .

he says to the bartender, "Give me a pint of Bud Light."

The bartender says, "Oi, you must be an American. Aren't ya, mate?"

The man says, "Well yes I am. What gave it away? Was it my accent? Was it the beer I ordered?"

The bartender replies, "No. It's because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen."

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A Norwegian Love Story

Max and Arlene lived by a lake in Norway. It was early winter and the lake had frozen over.

Max asked Arlene if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab."

So Arlene walked across, got the beer at the general store, and walked back home across the lake. When she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, "Max, you always tell me not to run up the tab at the store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Max replied, "I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet."

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Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

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How I Lost My Teeth!!!

I was at CHUCK'S BAR AND GRILL last night, at the bar waiting for a beer when, a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said, "I sure do," as she smiled with anticipation. I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

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Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."ย 

The bartender pulls out just two beers.ย 

The mathematicians ask, "That's all you're giving us?"ย 

The bartender says, "Come on guys.ย Know your limits."

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A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5 dollar bill.

The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says "your change, big boy!"

The biker pulls out 200 pennies, drops them on the table and says "another beer, please."

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Took me a while

*When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.*

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

The guy is drinking his beer, when the monkey comes over, dancing ever more energetically, stepping, jumping, twirling. The dance reaches its frenzied climax, and the monkey gives a little bow, and walks over to glass of beer sitting on the bar, and dunks his testicles in the beer, saying "Ahhhh" as his over-heated genitalia are cooled.

The guy goes over to the piano. "Hey," he says, "Do you know your monkey is soaking his balls in my beer?"

"No," replies the pianist. "But if you hum a few bars, I can fake it."

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Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!"

"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!"

"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.
On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?"
The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

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What are the most funny Give Me A Beer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Give Me A Beer? Well, here are the best Give Me A Beer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Give Me A Beer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes