Give Me A Beer Jokes
98 give me a beer jokes and hilarious give me a beer puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about give me a beer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Give Me A Beer Short Jokes
Short give me a beer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The give me a beer humour may include short wish for beer jokes also.
- A skeleton walks into a bar... Bartender: What'll be?
Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop. - A man walks into a bar. He orders a root beer in a square glass.
The bartender just gives him a beer and he doesn't notice. - Give a man a 6 pack of beer, he'll drink for a night Teach a man to 6 pack of beer, heffll drolmk frj s kide
- Raising dogs A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few pointers."
- How do you open a bottle of beer? You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.
- Another So Oldie It's Moldy joke Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - Germany decides that if they win the cup they would give out free beer for a year. Japan decides that if they win they would give out free sushi for a year. Let's go Colombiaaaaaa!!!
- A binary mathematician walks in to a bar A binary mathematician walks into a bar and asks for 10 drinks. The bartender says okay and gives him two beers.
- An African Shoebill walks into a bar... He orders a beer and as the bartender give it to him he says
"Hey, do you have change? I only have a large bill" - A copy editor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm giving up the past tense for Lend," he tells the bartender.
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Give Me A Beer One Liners
Which give me a beer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with give me a beer? I can suggest the ones about free beer and beer brewed.
- Know how to get a lot of head? Give Michael J. Fox a pitcher of beer
- I peed in my friend's beer before giving it to him... I told him, "u**... for a surprise"
- Beer Head If someone s**... the foam off a beer, are they giving the beer head?
Witty Give Me A Beer Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about give me a beer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make give me a beer pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He put the alligator up on the bar.
He turned to the astonished patrons and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
Three men walk into a bar.
The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down.
When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"h**...," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....(Read this one aloud)
A man is working his job as a bartender one night. A man comes into the bar and sits down near him. He pulls a tiny piano and a 12 inch man out of his shirt, and begins to listen as the little man plays piano. The bartender says, "That's amazing! Where did you meet this guy?" The man responds, "Oh, a genie gave him to me. He's down the street right now, giving out free wishes".So the bartender took his break, and went down the street to meet the genie. The man found a person sitting on the street and asked if he was the genie. "Yeah" said the genie. The bartender immediately said "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flew out of the sky and began attacking him. He ran back to the bar, where the other man was drinking his beer. "That genie s**...! I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!" The man looked at the bartender and said "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
Jokes for drinking, when censorship doesn't matter..... I'll start.
Post your jokes, The ones you share with your mates who don't give a toss about all the PC carry on these days. The ones that truly make you laugh when your having a beer or two.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How long will I live doctor?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of s**...?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said........,
Then, why do you even give a s**...?'
After the North American Beer Festival...
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the "worlds best beer" a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me "The King Of Beers, a Budweiser" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Keystone says, "I'd like the only beer that doesn't give you bitter beer face, give me a Keystone Light." He gets it. The gal from New Glarus sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives her what she ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at her and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Spotted Cow?" Deb replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gay bar
A biker walks into a gay bar and is giving everyone a hard time. Seeing his customers get irritated the bartender walks up to the biker and asks him if he knows how to play football. The biker responds with of course I know football. The bartender says not the sport! Bar football. The bartender then pours a pint and c**... it. Slams it on the table and says that's a touchdown, then turns around and pulls down his pants and farts, that's the extra point! The biker takes the challenge and c**... the beer. He then pulls down his pants and before he can f**... the bartender is behind him and thrusts forward and says "blocked the kick! "
An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.
An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales
Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Parents Want to Adopt a Child...
so they head down to adoption agency. They say to the matron,
"We'd like to adopt a child please."
She responds, "Well, we only have one child left. And he's a head."
"What?"
"He has no arms or legs. He's really just a head, poor thing."
But the new parents decide they want him anyway. So they take him home, and he has a great childhood. He does well in school, learns to overcome his disability, and his parents support him.
Eventually, he turns 21 and his dad takes him out for his first drink. They head up the hill to the local bar and take a seat.
The dad says, "Two beers please."
The bartender gives them the drinks and the son enjoys his first beer. Then, p**...! Two arms pop out. Two drunks sitting over at a nearby table yell, "Give 'im another one! Give 'im another one!"
So he has another beer and p**...! Two legs pop out. Everyone celebrates, the son is dancing around and having a good time, when the drunks say, "Give 'im another one!"
The son has another beer and p**...! He disappears!
The two drunks look at each other and say, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
late night...
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts
"You! Your mother gives me a b**...!"
The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man.
So the bartender gets him one more tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts
"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alligator and g**...
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my g**... into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his g**... out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A construction worker and his dog
A construction worker brings his dog to work every day, and at noon tucks a 5 dollar bill under the dog's collar. The dog t**... off to the local bar, where the bartender takes the fiver and gives the dog a sandwich in a paper bag which the dog brings back to the work site for his owner.
One day, the man only has a 20, but figures that the bartender will be honest. An hour goes by, and he stomps angrily over to the bar where he confronts his dog who is sitting on a stool drinking a beer and eating a sandwich.
"I never had change before" says the dog.
"Poor Kid"
A couple is due to have a child. The day finally comes and the wife has the child but it comes out with just a head. The couple are a little let down by it, but they are determined to give that head the best life it could live. They give it all its shots, feed it, and nurture it. The head comes up on its 21st birthday when the dad wants to take him out for a drink. They get to the bar and the father orders a couple beers. He helps the head down its first beer when it grows a neck. The father is shocked, so he orders another beer and gives it to the head and it grows some shoulders. The father keeps giving the head more and more beers until it grows a full body. The kid, so excited to have a complete body, is just running around dancing with wild drunken joy, and he runs out into the street only to get hit by a bus. The bartender says to the father "aw, poor kid; should have quit while he was a-head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...
He puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his g**... unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
3 Jokes about bars:
1.
A duck walks into a bar.
He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my bill."
2.
A typewriter walks into a bar.
He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my tab."
3.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
He says "Give me a beer. Uh, and a mop."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver walks into a bar with a pet...
A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Greeks versus the French.
A Greek and a Frenchman sit down at the same bar one evening, and after a few rounds of beer, they begin amicably chatting, first about the occasional state of things in their respective countries.
Eventually as the night progresses they descend into debating which country has done the most for the rest of the world and, naturally, slide into sniping back and forth into ever greater and more magnanimous gestures toward the end.
At last, the Greek shoves up to his feet and announces before the rest of the bar, "My people invented s**...!"
Stunned silence descends upon the environment at this, and for several seconds the Frenchman gives it some thought, before smiling and nodding his head and then answering,
"And mine introduced it to women."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Midnight Surprise!
A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's p**..., and give her o**... s**.... Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's p**..., and gave her o**... s**.... She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Sad Story
So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the d**... in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.
Nelson Mandela...
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the man by his shirt and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the golf course frog
A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
I washed my car today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women believe that giving birth must be way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear walks into a bar...
He bruskly orders a beer.
Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."
"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."
Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll kill her and eat her up."
Barkeep looks a bit bewildered, but replies, "You do what you gotta do. We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear stands up, kills and eats the woman. He returns to the barkeep.
Before the bear can say anything the barkeep raises a hand and says, "... And we don't serve drug addicts either."
It's the bear's turn to look bewildered, "What do you mean drug addict?"
Barkeep looks bemused, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi and that," motioning to what remained of the woman, "was a bar-b**...-you-ate."
Piece of tarmac walks into a bar, and orders a beer...
he needs the toilet, so he asks the guy next to him to watch his beer while he goes to the toilet. Gets back to the bar, and the beer is gone!!
"hey, what gives?" demands the piece of tarmac.
"oh, that piece of red tarmac over there said he was a friend of yours." said the man, "frankly I've never seen talking tarmac before today, so I didn't argue, and he drank your beer. Do you want to go talk to him?"
"Im not talking to him!!" said the tarmac, "he's a cycle path!"
An infinite number of professors walk into a bar...
the first walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a pint of lager." Before the bartender can start pouring the second says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender is about to pour when the third pipes up, "The same but half again!" Once again the bartender is about to serve when the fourth says, "Yeah a lager, but half of that!" The bartender, once more is about to pour when the fifth interrupts. He's about to order when one of the professors in the back shouts, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST POUR TWO BEERS!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, c**... it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 guys walk into a bar...
Socrates, Epictetus, and Descartes walk into a bar. Socrates goes up to the bartender first and the bartender asks him: "what's your poison?" Socrates say hemlock, takes a swig of some the bartender gives him and promptly dies. Next, Epictetus goes up to the bartender who asks Epictetus what he can bring him. Epictetus responds with: "It matters not, I will choose to like whatever you bring." So the bartender gets him a beer. Finally, Descartes goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks him if he can get him a beer like his friends, but Descartes says "I think not" and then disappears from existence.
TL;DR version: Socrates committed assisted-s**... by drinking hemlock. Epictetus had a whole "mind-over-matter" thing going for him so he could deal whatever life brought him. And, Descartes was the guy who said "Cogito ergo sum" (I think, therefore I am).
Texan in Ireland
A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.
He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"
Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"
The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.
"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"
The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...
The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of r**...." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.
The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."
Did you hear about the guy who spilled beer on the ballerina's shoes?
He spilled on to two tutus, too!
(Please give me tips on setup/delivery/any other homage to "buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo." you may have come up with)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man replies yes, "are you the one who gives the h**...?" The woman says "yes" the man says "Then go wash your hands I want a PB&J
Multi-level Meta Joke
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a taxi home
As we welcome 2015, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, last night, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few v**... shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Give a man a fish
He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he takes your boat and drinks all of your beer!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife gives her husband a cheating test.
A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.
Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so s**... to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.
The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."
A kangaroo walks into a bar
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.
Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."
The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."
A string walks into a bar
A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"
The bartender replies "We don't serve strings here"
The string walks outside messes up his hair, ties himself in a knot and walks back into the bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"
The bartender asks " aren't you the same string that was just in here?"
The string replies "I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot)
Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia where sitting at the bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and shows that he has two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Chernobyl."
A man comes home exhausted after work
He settle into the couch, turns on the TV, and then tells his wife: "Quick!! Give me a beer. It's about to start!!!"
She hands him a beer. 5 minutes later he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's almost started!!" She brings him another beer. After another 5 minutes he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's gonna start any second now!!"
She brings him beer and says: "Is that all your going to do is sit there and drink beer?" He looks down and says: "Oh Geez, It's starting already."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Heres a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks. The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. I'll give it a try, she says, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, please, and one for the road."
***
I'm^so^sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."
The bartender replies, "s**.... what would you like?
The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"
The bartender says, "s**..., here you go," and hands her the beer.
The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying s**...? I'm a lady and I think that's rude. "
The bartender says "well you keep saying T G I F."
"Well, thank god it's Friday." She says
"Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Will I Live to see 80?
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a s**...?'
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
A man comes home from work...
..., sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'
The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A son comes home and tells his father "I finally had s**...!"
The dad smiles, gives his son a high five and cracks oben two beers. Then he says: "Nice son. Come on, take this beer, sit down and tell me everything."
The son: "Beer is cool, but I can't sit for a while."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two reasons I won't give money to homeless people.
1. They're probably just going to buy beer with that money.
2. I'm going to buy beer with that money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender
As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
*"Sure"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a b**....
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My little boy was drawing pictures.
I thought I'd give him a hand, so I drew a picture of a deer. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' I drew antlers on it to make it easier. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' 'You see them out in the forest'. 'Don't know, Dad.' 'Rhymes with 'beer'. You know, beer like your Dad drinks.' 'Don't know, Dad.' Final attempt. 'Your Mom calls your Dad one.' 'Oh, I know! It's a drunken b**...!'
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
An old shoe is down on his luck
An old shoe is down on his luck, he is desperate to turn his life around and has tried everything but nothing has worked yet. The shoe goes into a bar to have a drink and think about where he went wrong. A man approaches him and buys him a beer, he then reveals himself to be the Satan himself. He tells the shoe he can have anything in the world but he must pay a price. The shoe asks what the price would be for a new chance on life, a fresh start where he can fix all of his mistakes he made as a young sneaker. The devil nods and thinks to himself and then replies, "I'll give you a new lace on life in exchange for your sole"
Meta joke
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man, who usually gets drunk, walks into a bar...
...and requests the bartender for two beers.
"Can I have 2 beers for the fight" - says the man.
The bartender gives him the beers, and he drinks them.
Here he goes again: "Can I have 2 extra beers for the fight" - he says again.
Again, the confused bartender gives him the beers, and the man again drinks them. But he wants a couple more, so, he goes again:
"Can I have 2 more beers for the fight" - he says, mid drunk.
But the angry bartender can't stand anymore, and says:
"I'm tired. What fight do you want the beers for?"
**"The one that you and me are going to make because I have no money"**
This one takes some thinking.
A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It's an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each type of food.
As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, and the gravy line. Finally he brings back two full plates of food.
What would you like to drink? he asks.
A glass of punch would be nice, she says. So he goes to get it. He scouts around and finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. But after a while he gives up and goes back to his table.
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
Give a man a beer...
Give a man a beer, he'll entertain the room. Hold a man's beer, he'll entertain the world.
An Icelander takes a trip to Norway but is worried because he doesn't speak the language.
His friend assures him that this shouldn't be a problem: just speak very slowly and the Norwegians will understand you perfectly fine. Once in Oslo the Icelander goes to a bar and tries to order a beer in very slow Icelandic:
"I... want... a... beer."
The bartender gives him a beer. It worked! After he finishes it, he tries to order another one. Again, very slowly:
"I... want... another... beer."
The bartender gives him another beer. Amazing! After a couple more beers, the Icelander decides to try a conversation:
"I... am... from... Iceland."
The bartender replies:
"Me…… too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store.
After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever s**... thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drinking alcohol-free beer..
..is like giving o**... s**... to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Talking Dog
So an old t**... walks into a bar with his dog. He's says to the barman 'if I can make this dog talk will you give me a beer. ' the barman replies 'mate if you can get that dog to talk you'll be drinking free beer for a week'. The t**... puts the dog on the bar and everyone gazed at it expectantly....nothing! The barman kicks the t**... and his dog onto the street. The t**... turns to the dog and says 'why didn't you talk?'. The dog slightly embarrassed turns back to the t**... and says - 'well I didn't know what to say'
A bear walks into a bar
"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says
"But I'm a big brown bear"
"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"
Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"
"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"
The bear picks up a barstool and smashes it against the ground "I want a beer!"
"Sorry we don't serve barstool breaking bar bashing big brown bears here"
The bear is getting angry and takes a bite from the counter "Give me a beer!"
"Sorry we dont serve drug addicts here either"
The bear is confused "I've never touched a drug in my life!!"
"What about that barbiturate"
An 80-year old man walks into a bar
He walks over to the bartender and orders a beer when the bartender asks for ID. Are you kidding me? I'm 80 years old the old man says. The bartender apologizes, still resisted he had to see the guys ID. So the old man pays and gives the bartender the change back It's for carding me, I take it as a compliment!
The bartender says Thanks, works every time
A man gets caught letting his son drink some of his beer...
A witness sees this and yells "Hey! You can't give that child beer!"
The man replies, "Well, I ran out of whiskey!"
Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.
After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."
Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."
pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
