The Best 66 Give Me A Beer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Give Me A Beer jokes. There are some give me a beer sympathetically jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these give me a beer drink puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Give Me A Beer Jokes and Puns

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer.



"That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

Three men walk into a bar.

The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."

The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down.

When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

Whats does giving your sister head and light beer have in common? Even though it tastes the same, you still know something is very wrong.

Give Me A Beer joke

Jokes for drinking, when censorship doesn't matter..... I'll start.

Post your jokes, The ones you share with your mates who don't give a toss about all the PC carry on these days. The ones that truly make you laugh when your having a beer or two.

Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales

Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.


Beer is good.


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Alligator and genitals

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my genitals into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his genitals out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."

Give Me A Beer joke, Alligator and genitals

3 Jokes about bars:

1.

A duck walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my bill."

2.

A typewriter walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Put it on my tab."

3.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

He says "Give me a beer. Uh, and a mop."

Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fish 24:7

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."Β 

The bartender pulls out just two beers.Β 

The mathematicians ask, "That's all you're giving us?"Β 

The bartender says, "Come on guys.Β Know your limits."

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

You can explore give me a beer ere reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean give me a beer giver dad jokes. There are also give me a beer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Did you hear about the guy who spilled beer on the ballerina's shoes?

He spilled on to two tutus, too!

(Please give me tips on setup/delivery/any other homage to "buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo." you may have come up with)

$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 Handjobs

A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 Handjobs

He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man replies yes, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" The woman says "yes" the man says "Then go wash your hands I want a PB&J

Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

Give a man a fish

He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he takes your boat and drinks all of your beer!

A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

Give Me A Beer joke, A kangaroo walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"

The bartender replies "We don't serve strings here"

The string walks outside messes up his hair, ties himself in a knot and walks back into the bar and says "bartender, bartender give me a beer"

The bartender asks " aren't you the same string that was just in here?"

The string replies "I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot)

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, please, and one for the road."

***

I'm^so^sorry

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."


Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

Give a man a fish he eats for a day...

Teach a man to fish, he sits out on the lake drinking beer all summer

I peed in my friend's beer before giving it to him...

I told him, "urine for a surprise"

Know how to get a lot of head?

Give Michael J. Fox a pitcher of beer

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender

"Give me two beers. Rough day at work."

And the bartender says, "Oh? what do you do?"

The guy says, "I take care of the Corgis - you know, the dogs that the royal family owns."

The bartender says, "Tough job, huh?"

The guy says, "Well, all that in-breeding has led to low intelligence
and bad temperament. And the dogs aren't that smart either."

A son comes home and tells his father "I finally had sex!"

The dad smiles, gives his son a high five and cracks oben two beers. Then he says: "Nice son. Come on, take this beer, sit down and tell me everything."

The son: "Beer is cool, but I can't sit for a while."

Two reasons I won't give money to homeless people.

1. They're probably just going to buy beer with that money.
2. I'm going to buy beer with that money.

A Roman man walks into a bar

He sticks up 2 fingers and the bartender gives him 5 beers

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*

The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*

*"Sure"*

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.

The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a blow job.

*"Wow!"*, says the guy.

The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*

The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

Give a man a 6 pack of beer, he'll drink for a night

Teach a man to 6 pack of beer, heffll drolmk frj s kide

My little boy was drawing pictures.

I thought I'd give him a hand, so I drew a picture of a deer. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' I drew antlers on it to make it easier. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' 'You see them out in the forest'. 'Don't know, Dad.' 'Rhymes with 'beer'. You know, beer like your Dad drinks.' 'Don't know, Dad.' Final attempt. 'Your Mom calls your Dad one.' 'Oh, I know! It's a drunken bastard!'

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

How do you open a bottle of beer?

You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

A man walks into a bar

He tells the bartender, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

This goes on for a while until after the fifth beer the bartender says, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

He answers, "Now the problems start."

A guy was checking out at a supermarket with an attractive young clerk.

She scanned the frozen dinners, the beer, the ramen noodles and kept giving him eyes in between each scan.

As she scanned the condoms she looks and him and says, "Single huh?"

He replies, "yea, how'd you know?"

She says, "Because you're ugly."

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers...

The barman gives him five beers.

A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".

A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm...

...and asks, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure we do," replied the bartender.
"Good," says the man. "I'll have a beer, and give me a lawyer for my alligator."

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one says, "give me a beer please."

The second one says, "give me a half of a beer please."

The third one says, "give me a quarter of a beer please."

The fourth one says, "give me an eighth of a beer please."

And so on.

Frustrated, the bartender says, "know your limits!", and places two beers on the table.

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore...

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit.
Then I caught her buying expensive makeups.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.

A binary mathematician walks in to a bar

A binary mathematician walks into a bar and asks for 10 drinks. The bartender says okay and gives him two beers.

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"

Irishman says "I want to live forever"

Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"

Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"

Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"

Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"

A Spanish photon walks into a bar

The bar tender asks "what'll it be?" And the photon replies "una cerveza por favor." The bartender gives him a beer and come backs a few minutes later to find it finished. He asks: "want another?" To which the photon replies "Ay, no mas!"

Give a man a beer, he'll hang for a while...

...Give a man a rope and he'll hang for the rest of his life.

The bartender gives him a beer.

A time traveler walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

Germany decides that if they win the cup they would give out free beer for a year. Japan decides that if they win they would give out free sushi for a year.

Let's go Colombiaaaaaa!!!

Drinking alcohol-free beer..

..is like giving oral sex to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

A guy has 10 bucks in his pocket and walks into a bar.

As soon as he get in, he sees a sign on the wall:

- Beer $5.00

- Handjob $10.00

He calls the hottest waitress in the room and asks: "Who are the one who gives the handjobs?"

The waitress respond: "That would be me."

"Ok... Go wash your hands and bring me two beers."

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish, and he'll spend all day drinking beer on a boat.

A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to her. Then he says "paint my house."

A skeleton walks into a bar...

Bartender: What'll be?
Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop.

An 80-year old man walks into a bar

He walks over to the bartender and orders a beer when the bartender asks for ID. Are you kidding me? I'm 80 years old the old man says. The bartender apologizes, still resisted he had to see the guys ID. So the old man pays and gives the bartender the change back It's for carding me, I take it as a compliment!
The bartender says Thanks, works every time

Roman guy walks in a bar and makes a peace sign with his fingers

Bartender gives him 5 beers

A man gets caught letting his son drink some of his beer...

A witness sees this and yells "Hey! You can't give that child beer!"

The man replies, "Well, I ran out of whiskey!"

Man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt....

Give me a beer.... and one for the road too.

Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.

After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."

Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."

Pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."

A copy editor walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I'm giving up the past tense for Lend," he tells the bartender.

Another So Oldie It's Moldy joke

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks in a bar and orders a beer. After taking a few sips, he notices a gorilla in the corner. He asks hey what's with the gorilla?
The bartender says watch this. He walks up to the gorilla and smacks him in the head and the gorilla immediately drops down and gives him a blow job.
The man shocked says, wow that's incredible!.
The bartender asks him if he'd like to try.
The man replies, yeah sure just dont hit me so hard!

A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..

She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."

This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "

The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"

A man walks into a bar.

He orders a root beer in a square glass.

The bartender just gives him a beer and he doesn't notice.

Guy walks into a bar.

Guy walk into a bar and orders a pint, bartender pours pint and gives to said customer.
The man proceeds to drink the beer as fast as possible. This happens three more times, and the bartender ask everything okay? The guy replied you'll drink like this if you had what I have!
Bartender what do you have .
Guy reply's 25cents

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"

The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the give me a beer gimme jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working give me a beer sir piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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