After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Guess who came crawling back
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
Everyone came, you should have seen her face.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"
I grunted, Just ignore them.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Thanks daylight savings!
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
She couldn't do either!
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
Try to act surprised
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
If she fits in your wife's clothes.
I rode on, ruthlessly.
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
Feyónce
She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.
when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
...I can't pull anything out in time!
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
But today is opposite day so it's all good
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
She was lack-toes intolerant.
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Well she's in for a shock.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.
Anybody know what 'ternative' means?
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
But I laugh more.
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN
then I changed her mind
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.
"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.
I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France
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