Girlfriend Jokes

178 girlfriend jokes and hilarious girlfriend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about girlfriend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Bring a smile to your girlfriend's face with these hilarious girlfriend jokes about cheating, breaking up, other guys, being pregnant, and more! Get ready to share a laugh with your bestfriend, exwife, or flatmate today!

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Funniest Girlfriend Short Jokes

Short girlfriend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The girlfriend humour may include short boyfriend jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
  2. My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.
  3. Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
  4. I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
  5. My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
  6. My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
    Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
  7. My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
  8. My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
  9. My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
  10. Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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Girlfriend One Liners

Which girlfriend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with girlfriend? I can suggest the ones about girls and female.

  1. My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but also imaginary.
  2. My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
  3. I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy It's not like I did anything
  4. My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Or did she?
  5. My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.
  6. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyónce
  7. My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
  8. Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
  9. My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
  10. My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
  11. My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
  12. My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh more.
  13. At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant then I changed her mind
  14. My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump... I said ok.. Biden
  15. What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.

Your Girlfriend Jokes

Here is a list of funny your girlfriend jokes and even better your girlfriend puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
    The others were all eights and nines.
  • I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party. Everyone came, you should have seen her face.
  • Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
  • My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
  • My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
  • My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied.
    "No it doesn't," I said.
  • If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.
  • My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
  • My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!
  • I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD.... Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship

My Girlfriend Jokes

Here is a list of funny my girlfriend jokes and even better my girlfriend puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
  • Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
  • My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is. I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
    She said, "He doesn't count."
    "Oh I assure you, he does."
  • I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds Because every time I take them she goes away
  • My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
    She answered: "What's up, honey?"
    What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
  • My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine . It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
  • I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart. Brian has a moustache.
  • I think my family is racist
    I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
  • I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
  • I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
    I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
Girlfriend joke, I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

Ex Girlfriend Jokes

Here is a list of funny ex girlfriend jokes and even better ex girlfriend puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
    I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
  • My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday. I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
  • I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was too much history between us.
  • My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
  • My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back. Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?
  • My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
    But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me.
  • My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her
  • My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again And I don't know if I should tell him.
  • My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex. So I dumped her.
  • My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

Old Girlfriend Jokes

Here is a list of funny old girlfriend jokes and even better old girlfriend puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
    (Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)
  • I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
  • "How old is your girlfriend?" "She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!"
    "Yeah, actually it's yours"
  • My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer
  • Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children... Old girlfriends seem to get offended.
  • What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend Flush
    I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.
  • My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

    "thirty-second birthday."
  • So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old... I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"
  • On a scale of 1 to 10 How old is your girlfriend?
  • I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport, boy she has a lot of baggage.
Girlfriend joke, I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,

Hilarious Girlfriend Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about girlfriend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daughter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make girlfriend pranks.

I was having s**... with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room

Im indiana Jones, Get out

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

My girlfriend tried to make me have s**... on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have s**..., its going to be on my own Accord

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

I walked in on my girlfriend having s**... with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.

I grunted, Just ignore them.

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is f**... ridiculous.

My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's h**... Positive?

Try to act surprised

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...


The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having s**... in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

I bet it's the snooty b**... at number twenty three, she replied.

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can't pull anything out in time!

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"

Strange way to start a conversation.

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street
She said, "He doesn't count."
I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."
(obligatory cake day joke)

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had s**... all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "p**...!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

Girlfriend joke, My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

jokes about girlfriend