Hilarious Girlfriend Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.
I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
My girlfriend tried to make me have s**... on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have s**..., its going to be on my own Accord
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
You can explore girlfriend flatmate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean girlfriend fiancee dad jokes. There are also girlfriend puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card
She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came, you should have seen her face.
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
I walked in on my girlfriend having s**... with her personal trainer
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is f**... ridiculous.
My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
My girlfriend is so smart!
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyónce
After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "p**...!"
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?
If she fits in your wife's clothes.
On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had s**... all year.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...
...I can't pull anything out in time!
Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?
She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.
What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's h**... Positive?
Try to act surprised
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.
I rode on, ruthlessly.
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....
Space x.
I was having s**... with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....
Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having s**... in the ocean.
Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.
I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
It's not like I did anything
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.
I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds
Because every time I take them she goes away
Apparently my family is racist
I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...
to be able to post this in a different sub.
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American
I saw it coming from a kilometre away
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.
Brian has a moustache.
My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.
Or did she?
I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.
There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!
I bet it's the snooty b**... at number twenty three, she replied.
I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"
What does 'ternative' mean?
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!
I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.
I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.
My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"
Strange way to start a conversation.
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is.
I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does."
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine .
It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.
I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...
I told her it was the dude from Sesame street
She said, "He doesn't count."
I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."
(obligatory cake day joke)
I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was too much history between us.
My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...
Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
What does my girlfriend like to listen during her periods?
Spotify
My last girlfriend choked to death.
It was a terrible blow.
Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me.
Oh no, I'm so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?
Sure.
What is the difference between you and a calendar?
What?
The calendar has dates.
My girlfriend just told me, If we don't get married soon, I'm going to kill you!
I said, I guess..it's a matter of wife or death.
After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.
I said "well that's a little ex stream"
I think that my girlfriend is mad at me
According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".
I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.
To be honest, there were a lot of red flags
So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..
But guess who came crawling back!!?!
