The Best 77 Girlfriend Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Girlfriend jokes. There are some girlfriend cousin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these girlfriend sex puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Girlfriend Jokes and Puns

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Girlfriend joke, Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.


My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Girlfriend joke, My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

You can explore girlfriend flatmate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean girlfriend fiancee dad jokes. There are also girlfriend puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

Girlfriend joke, "I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.


I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.


I grunted, Just ignore them.

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyรณnce

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had sex all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can't pull anything out in time!

Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's HIV Positive?

Try to act surprised

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room

Im indiana Jones, Get out

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bedโ€ฆ

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....

Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It's not like I did anything

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American

I saw it coming from a kilometre away

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform โ€“ straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

My girlfriend called me childish the other day

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my alphabetti spaghetti

My anti-vaxx girlfriend asked me about trying to make a child together

Apparently, Let's give it a shot, then wasn't the best answer.

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn't work outโ€ฆ

So many red flags

It was going great with my girlfriend until she started putting her Sylvester Stallone dolls in the middle of the bed.

Things have been a little Rocky between us ever since.

A lot of things changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant

For instance my name, address, telephone number

I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

My girlfriend told me I spend too much time playing fantasy football

But, in my defence, I have Andy Robertson, John Stones and Kyle Walker

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the girlfriend football girlfriend jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working girlfriend ex girlfriend piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes