The Best 77 Girlfrien Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Girlfrien jokes. There are some girlfrien exwife jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these girlfrien exes puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Girlfrien Jokes and Puns

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Girlfrien joke, Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."


My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Girlfrien joke, My girlfriend just emailed me

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

You can explore girlfrien root reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean girlfrien 100 dad jokes. There are also girlfrien puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Girlfrien joke, My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?


My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down

My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh more.

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she's in for a shock.

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

What's the name of Mr. T's girlfriend?

April, fools

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...

Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall...

I said maybe.

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

I know how it feels to grow up without a father!

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's HIV Positive?

Try to act surprised

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

My girlfriend got covid

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

How to get a girlfriend

Step one: Uninstall Reddit

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.

My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

My Girlfriend said I was indecisive.

I said I wasn't sure about that.

I think my girlfriend has slept with 61 people before me

She keeps calling me her 62nd lover

Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

A second girlfriend

To see her reaction,he told her that he wants a second girlfriend,

In the first day he didn't see anything.

In the second day he didn't see anything.

In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.

My girlfriend said she's gonna drop out of school. I told her no...

How hard can kindergarten be?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the girlfrien birthday jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working girlfrien colleague piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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