Girl You So Fine Jokes

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. 
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. 
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. 
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 
There are teachers... and then there are educators.

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"
Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.
"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!"
All at once, the rain stops, and felines and canines begin pelting the ground from above!
"This is the devil's work!" cries the priest. "Quickly! Pray to God that this may stop!!"
Panicked, the girl falls to her knees and begins to pray.
"Hail Mary, full ofaaaAAAAAAUUGGHH!!"

A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

A middle school in Oregon

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

A fine country lady is hosting a dinner party

and she wants to serve her famous Mushroom Soup. She invites over the whole neighborhood for dinner. The day of her big event she runs out of mushrooms and the small country store is sold out. She panics! "What evah shall I do??" she pleads to her husband.
"Well" he says "There are lots of mushrooms growing back in the cow pasture. We could use those." "Absolutely not!" she yells. "Those might be poisonous!"
He replies "Tell ya what, I'll go back and pick some and you make a small batch of soup. We'll feed it to the dog, Jack. If he is OK in an hour or so, we'll know they're OK". With no other options, she agrees. He goes and gets the mushrooms, she makes up some soup and old Jack just LOVES it. He horfs it right down and is just happy as a clam.
Few hours go by and old Jack is just dandy. The lady of the house goes into full Dinner Party mode. She is running behind schedule now so she calls the neighbor girl over to help her prepare. The lady figures she should warn the girl about Jack but doesn't want to confess the whole story. She tells the girl to just keep a CLOSE EYE on Jack, that he is very special to the family, and to let her know if anything comes up.
A few hours later the guests start to arrive and they all sit down for an absolutely wonderful presentation of Mushroom Soup. The guests are raving about it. They can't get enough. Everyone is just having a wonderful evening,..
When all the sudden the neighbor girl bursts into the room in hysterics! "OLD JACK IS DEAD!!!!" she cries. "HE'S DEAD, JUST.. DEAD!!"
The country lady immediately jumps into action. She calls the paramedics, the hospital and the police! They all arrive quickly and begin pumping stomaches and administering anti-poison medicines. People are puking in the yard, screaming, and crying. Ambulance after Ambulance comes and goes with guest after guest for what seems like hours.
Finally.. at 5am an exhausted lady and her helpful neighbor girl are setting in the kitchen trying to take stock in what happened. The neighbor girl looks over at the lady and says
"It really is a shame. The guy that ran over old Jack didn't even stop."

The lipstick problem

My local middle school had a problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

A woman goes into a coma...

A woman goes into a coma while pregnant with twins. Her husband dies in the car accident. A few months into the coma, she successfully gives birth to a boy and a girl. Shortly afterward, she wakes up.
"Where are my children? Are they alright?"
The doctor pats her shoulder reassuringly. "Yes, you delivered fine. You gave birth to a healthy boy and girl."
The woman sighs in relief. "Oh thank God. Who named them?"
The doctor frowns. "Your... brother, ma'am."
She lunged from the bed, grabbing him by the collar. "Oh no. He's an idiot. Tell me, WHAT DID HE NAME THEM?!"
"Deniece, he named the girl Deniece," he gasped.
She released her grip. "Oh... that's not too bad. And the boy?"
The doctor shamefully looked at the ground. "Denephew."
*Credit goes to my friend

As tends to happen at the start of jokes, 5 men and a woman survive a shipwreck, and wake up on a deserted island...

...where they find everything they need to survive and live well: food, water, shelter. But being people, they have certain needs. Lovey-dovey needs.
The woman is a proper lady, though, and so they come up with a fair system. She will sleep with the first guy the first week (unlimited supply of condoms too on this heckuva-awesome island), guy #2 week 2, guy #3 week 3, guy #4 week 4, guy #5 week 5, and then start back over with guy #1 for week 6.
They all agree, and for ten straight years, they live like royalty.
But all good things must come to an end, and sadly, the girl eventually passes away.
The first week after things are fine.
Week two, things are starting to deteriorate.
It's messy by week three.
By week four, it's unpleasant by any measure.
And week 5, by week five, it's simply unbearable.
So they bury the body.

Helping Grandpa

I was working on a Natural Gas pipe in the kitchen when my two granddaughters
came up to see what was going on. The Three year old sat in my lap and her four
year old sister sat on the floor across from us. They marveled as I gave a fine turn
on the gas valve with a large pipe wrench.
As I opened the valve, I explained to the girls I needed to purge the gas line of any
air . They squinted and shyed away from the noise and blast as the gas blew past us.
Grandma looked over the counter and asked Are you girls helping Grandpa?
After a course of yes the three year old explained Grandpa pulled on the pipe and
now it stinks. It smells just like Grandpa when you pull his finger.

There once was a farmer who's name was Rick

There once was a farmer who's name was Rick,
And he just loved to play with his...
Banjo, and the lady next door,
You could tell by just looking that she was a...
Fine, fine lady, she rolled in the grass,
And when she rolled over, you could see her bare...
Legs in the moonlight, she walked like a duck,
And she taught Rick the right way to...
Raise fine children, the girls learned to knit,
And the boys learned to shovel big piles of...
Hay and barley, this story goes well,
And if you don't like it, you can go straight to...
Bed.

A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.
"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.
"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."
"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."
After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:
"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"
The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:
"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"
"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"
"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."
A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"
"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortable, thanks"
"You're not in any draught, are you?"
"No," she said, impressed by his attentiveness, "I can't feel a draught at all."
"Good," he said.
"Let's swap seats."

The funniest joke I've heard happen organically.

I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.
He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."
She says "Force it!"
He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".
Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high five.

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.
Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."
Jim was wary. What'd you name them?
I named the girl Denise, Jack said.
That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?
Denephew.

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident.

The impact is so bad, the woman goes into a coma for 6 months. When she wakes up in the hospital, her first thought is, "oh, God, where are my babies?" This is the first thing she asks the doctor when he comes to see her.
"Oh, your babies are just fine," the doctor tells her assuredly. "One's a boy, one's a girl. But since you were unconscious when you had them, your brother named them for you."
The woman becomes slightly nervous, knowing her brother is a bit of a showoff, a little out there. "So, what did he name them?"
"Well, he named the girl Denise."
Denise. Not a bad name. Good going, bro. "And the boy? What did he name the boy?", she asks.
"Denephew."