Cheeky Girl Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.
But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
You can explore girl flirty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean girl cute dad jokes. There are also girl puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My girlfriend tried to make me have s**... on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have s**..., its going to be on my own Accord
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
Girl: "Come over"
Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,
"Thanks for the Baghdad"
My mother used to tuck me in every night
She always wanted a girl :(
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card
She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
One day after s**..., my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,
If it floats it's boy ant.
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
After kissing a g**... her sofa she said let's take this upstairs
Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Hey girl, are you a broken compass?
Because I'm not really sure where I'm going with this
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".
Always Tolkien in her sleep...
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
Hey girl are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home
She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
My girlfriend is so smart!
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
A girl walks into a dry cleaner
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
I dated a girl in a wheelchair
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
I took an epileptic girl to a rave
I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
Hey girl, are you an obelisk?
Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.
We just clicked.
I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.
I thought to myself "Please don't get an e**..., please don't get an e**...."
But.....she did.
A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute
I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's h**... Positive?
Try to act surprised
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
A n**... man arrives at a costume party with a g**... his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says.
"Oh... who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle", he replies.
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"
Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.
When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.
Girl: Come over
Guy: I'm coming over
Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds
Because every time I take them she goes away
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American
I saw it coming from a kilometre away
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.
Or did she?
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"
What does 'ternative' mean?
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name hijkm she says i'm sorry, i'm not sure how to pronounce this name, then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:
that's me, and it's pronounced noelle
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is.
I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does."
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine .
It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
My girlfriend just told me, If we don't get married soon, I'm going to kill you!
I said, I guess..it's a matter of wife or death.
little johnny finally got to the third date....
and knowing the reputation of the girl he was seeing, knew that he would "get lucky" on this one... so off to the drug store he goes to get a condom.
"i got a hot date tonight and i need a condom!" he tells the employee there, who hands it over almost immediately...
"that'll be a dollar, plus tax" says the employee...
"tax?" little johnny asks...
"dont they stay on by themselves?"
I promised a girl I'd make her viral
A couple weeks later, her doctor confirmed it
I think that my girlfriend is mad at me
According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".
I told this girl I was seeing she had drawn her eyebrows on too high
She looked very surprised
Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.
Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?
What kind of favor? Sinatra asked.
"Well, I'm here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say 'Hi, Bernie!'
OK, kid, I'll try, said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy's table, and said, Hi, Bernie!
The boy looked up at him and snapped, Don't bother me now, Frankie. Can't you see I'm busy?
I was on a first date recently and the girl told me she really liked the national emblem of China
I thought, well that's a red flag.
A logician has just given birth.
The logicians friend asks her is it a boy or a girl?
The logician replies yes
