After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
Guess who came crawling back
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
"Thanks for the Baghdad"
She always wanted a girl :(
She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
.. they would eventually find me attractive
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
If it floats it's boy ant.
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Thanks daylight savings!
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other
She couldn't do either!
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Because I'm not really sure where I'm going with this
Always Tolkien in her sleep...
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
Try to act surprised
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
But.....she did.
We just clicked.
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
If she fits in your wife's clothes.
I rode on, ruthlessly.
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
I lost Interest in that relationship.
She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."
She said I also look better without her glasses on.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind
The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."
Everybody came.
You should have seen her face.
I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
But today is opposite day so it's all good
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Because I want to leave a baby in you.
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
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