Gimme Jokes
65 gimme jokes and hilarious gimme puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gimme that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gimme Short Jokes
Short gimme jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gimme humour may include short gonna give jokes also.
- A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
- Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS." - *mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs - A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Gimme some Chapstick... ...and put it on my bill."
- So yet another snake walks into a bar... He asks the bartender,
"Gimme a shot of Jack!"
"No sir."
"Well why not?" The snake said.
"You can't hold your liquor!" - Two mathematicians were chatting online... 1st mathematician: Gimme 5!
2nd mathematician: 120 - Gonna start a petition to change Reddit's name How does Re-post-ddit sound?
...sounds bad? Gimme some slack, it's hard to create original content on here - Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest
Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes - drunk guy goes into a library And says: GIMME A SMOKED COD N CHIPS!"
the librarian says "Sir this is a library!"
So the guy whispers: "sorry, gimme a smoked cod n chips" - Q: What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?
A: Gimme a slug of whiskey.
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Gimme One Liners
Which gimme one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gimme? I can suggest the ones about giveaway and giving.
- So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks... and shouts, "gimme a tea!"
- A skeleton walks into a bar... And says "gimme a beer and a mop."
- My Kit-Kat bar got stuck in the vending machine at work... ...gimme a break...
- What's a hummingbird's favorite pickup line? "Gimme some sugar, baby!"
- What did biggie smalls say to the bard? Gimme the lute
- What did James Hetfield say when he go to the gas station? Gimme fuel
- What did Biggie Smalls say to the restaurant host? Gimme The Booth!
- What does Janet Jackson say when she goes to the garden?!? GIMME A BEET.
- What did the atom say when it was robbing a bank? Gimme all your money or I'm gonna split
- Doc, i need pills against my greediness Gimme more! More!
- Karma points do not reflect your self worth Now gimme my karma points!
- Gimme chocolate! Or I scream.
- What did the noose say to the depressed guy? Gimme some head.
- What did the p**... say before leaving the party? Gimme a minute to collect my thots.
- Dont I owe you a b**... Gimme another and Ill owe you two.
Hilarious Gimme Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about gimme you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean give me a beer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gimme pranks.
They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...
... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gimme your best Mickey Mouse/Disney character joke!
Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most n**... joke involving a Disney character.
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....
He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gimme a triple shot of Jack
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy at the doctor's office.....
(Doc)...... "Mr Smith I have both *good* and *bad* news"
(Patient)... "Ok doc, gimme the *bad* news first"
(Doc) - "Well Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you have AIDS"
(Patient) - "Oh NO.....What's the *good* news doc?"
(Doc) - "Your cancer is eating it!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man with a ski mask on...
...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"
"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a s**... bank" said the teller.
Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there baffled. After a few seconds, he holds the gun up to the teller again. "Okay, well.... grab a cup of ypur freshest s**... and put it on the counter."
"What?! I dont know if i...."
"Do it or i'll shoot you!"
She reaches into a nearby fridge, places the cup on the counter, and puts her hands back up.
"Now drink it!"
"Wha....what?! I dont..."
"DO IT OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF"
Frightened, the woman opens the cup and quickly drinks it.
The man drops his gun and takes his mask off. It's the tellers husband.
He smiles and walks up to her, "See? Now that wasn't so bad!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Bob Dole was asking Clinton for advice about women...
Bob whines "I just can't seem to get any women, and you always have more than you can handle. Gimme some pointers!"
Bill tells him "Hey, just shove a potato down in your pants, it works for me!"
A few days later, they meet again. "Hey, Bill, I took your advice, and the women seem to avoid me more than ever!"
Bill looks down, and says "You're supposed to put the potato in the *front* of your pants!"
A man walks into a brothel and says "Gimme that woman right there."
She's my wife, this isn't a joke.
A customer at the restaurant I work at told me this one.
So a ham sandwich walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and says "gimme a gin and tonic"
The bartender looks at him and says
"I'm sorry but we don't serve food here"
Diminishing Return Joke (request)
Salesman: Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your house cleaning time in half.
Woman: Great, Gimme two of 'em!
*Does anyone know of any other jokes that demonstrate the Law of Diminishing returns? Its for a project I'm working on...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
Cowboy walks into a bar.
A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".
A guy walks into a bar...
He sits down and says to the bartender "gimme somethin' cold and full of gin." The bartender replies "here, take my wife."
Two scientists walk into a bar
Two scientists walk into a bar, they get to the bartender and the first one says "Can I get a glass of H20?"
The second says "What are you gay? Gimme a beer"
EA's pay to win system is actually a brilliant idea...
And if you'd like to know why, gimme $20. I may or may not tell you
Gimme a White Russian, Hold The Russian.
At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. Chocolate milk for dinner? she asked.
It's delicious! said my daughter.
Her aunt shrugged. Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
A man walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer before it begins!".
He gets the beer, drinks it and says: "Gimme another one before it begins!" After drinking that one, he says "Another before it begins!".
The guy drinks a few more beers that way before the bartender asks him: "Who's paying for this?"
The guy replies: "And it begins..."
Showing memes to my mum
Me: *passes phone to mom to show a dank meme
Mom: who is that?
Me: I don't know mom, just laugh and gimme back my phone.
OG Rolling Stones Joke
I was on another forum, the comments section of a political site. Somebody was talking about how the Rolling Stones still got it despite having gotten a lot older. So people were making up humorous OG-version Stones song titles, like "Limping Jack Flash" and "Gimme Fiber."
And then somebody said it:
>!"Hey! You! Get Offa My Lawn!"!<
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo mama so fat...
When she hauls a**..., she has to make two trips.
Gimme your best yo mama jokes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kangaroo enters a bar in the middle of the outback
Everyone stares at him awkwardly, wondering how an animal could be lost to the point of entering a human home. The kangaroo jumps up to the bar and says :
"Hey, gimme a pint of beer."
The owner, confused by this sight, points at the beer taps :
"Er, which one ?"
"Gimme an ale, that'll do it"
The man hands him the full glass and asks :
"That'll be 13$, you got the money to pay ?"
"Of course, I'm not s**...," grunts the kangaroo, putting a few bucks on the counter. While searching for the change, the owner says :
"You know, we don't see many kangaroos around... here," gesturing at the room.
"With such an expensive pint, of freakin course !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
my first day as a mugger [points gun]: gimme all your money!
**victim:** please, I have kids.
**me:** nah— I'd rather have the money.
Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:
gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two little kids.....
aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say a**...' and I'll say h**....'
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. Aw, h**..., says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios. His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. What'll you have?
I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your a**... it ain't gonna be Cheerios.
The Best Medicine
A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"
The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"
"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing!" the man said. "Put your ear up to my knee!"
The doctor put his ear up to the man's knee and heard, "I really need $20! Please give me $20!"
"Ah," the doctor said. "I know exactly what's wrong. Your leg appears to be broke in two places."
