Gimme Jokes

What are some Gimme jokes?

A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn


Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

A man walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer before it begins!".

He gets the beer, drinks it and says: "Gimme another one before it begins!" After drinking that one, he says "Another before it begins!".

The guy drinks a few more beers that way before the bartender asks him: "Who's paying for this?"

The guy replies: "And it begins..."

So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks...

and shouts, "gimme a tea!"

Gimme a triple shot of Jack

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"

Irishman says "I want to live forever"

Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"

Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"

Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"

Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5 dollar bill.

The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says "your change, big boy!"

The biker pulls out 200 pennies, drops them on the table and says "another beer, please."

Gimme your best Mickey Mouse/Disney character joke!

Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most nasty joke involving a Disney character.

So a man with a ski mask on...

...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"

"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a sperm bank" said the teller.

Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there baffled. After a few seconds, he holds the gun up to the teller again. "Okay, well.... grab a cup of ypur freshest sperm and put it on the counter."

"What?! I dont know if i...."

"Do it or i'll shoot you!"

She reaches into a nearby fridge, places the cup on the counter, and puts her hands back up.

"Now drink it!"

"Wha....what?! I dont..."


Frightened, the woman opens the cup and quickly drinks it.

The man drops his gun and takes his mask off. It's the tellers husband.
He smiles and walks up to her, "See? Now that wasn't so bad!"

Cowboy walks into a bar.

A cowboy walks into a bar. He's wearing brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, brown paper pants and a brown paper hat. "Gimme 5 shots of tequila", he demands. "You must be celebrating" the bartender said as he set up the shots. "yep, I just got out of prison", said the cowboy. "What were you in for"?, asked the bartender. The cowboy replied, "rustling".

So yet another snake walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender,

"Gimme a shot of Jack!"

"No sir."

"Well why not?" The snake said.

"You can't hold your liquor!"

They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...

... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.

The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.

Two mathematicians were chatting online...

1st mathematician: Gimme 5!
2nd mathematician: 120

A skeleton walks into a bar

Tells the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

Request: biology jokes

Hey guys I need some jokes for my biology class to liven things up a bit so gimme your best. ( pick-up lines and puns also acceptable)

A customer at the restaurant I work at told me this one.

So a ham sandwich walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and says "gimme a gin and tonic"

The bartender looks at him and says

"I'm sorry but we don't serve food here"

A Man Walks Into A Bar.....

He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"

Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me

Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest

Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes

A skeleton walks into a bar...

And says "gimme a beer and a mop."

A dog walks into a saloon...

...and says "gimme a whiskey!" The bartender says "we don't serve dogs here." The dog looks him in the eye, says "I SAID, gimme a whiskey!!" and the bartender responds "AND I SAID, WE DON'T SERVE DOGS!", and he shoots the dog in the foot. The dog runs out yapping.

A little while later they hear the click of spurs outside the saloon. The doors swing open. The dogs walks in with a six-shooter on each hip, looks around and says "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

An old man goes in for his annual checkup...

After some tests, the doctor comes in and tells him "I've got some bad news and some worse news, which do you want first?". The old man says "Gimme the worse news". Doc says "You've got cancer". Old man shakes his head and asks for the bad news. Doc says "You've got Alzheimer's". Old man hangs his head low for a moment, looks up at the doctor and says "At least I don't have cancer".

Gimme chocolate!

Or I scream.

My daughter is a good girl

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Diminishing Return Joke (request)

Salesman: Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your house cleaning time in half.

Woman: Great, Gimme two of 'em!

*Does anyone know of any other jokes that demonstrate the Law of Diminishing returns? Its for a project I'm working on...

Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. Easy, Billy, says grandfather calmly. We won't be long.
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, I want cookies! Gimme cookies!
It's OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be out of here. Just hang on; you're doing great, says the grandfather.
At the check out, the kid screams, CANDY! I want candy!
Billy, Billy, relax, pal. Don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes.
The woman is impressed. You're amazing, she tells the grandfather. You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. Billy is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.
Thanks, replies the grandfather. But I'm Billy. The little twerp is Michael.

Gimme a White Russian, Hold The Russian.

At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. Chocolate milk for dinner? she asked.

It's delicious! said my daughter.

Her aunt shrugged. Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.

Guy at the doctor's office.....

(Doc)...... "Mr Smith I have both *good* and *bad* news"

(Patient)... "Ok doc, gimme the *bad* news first"

(Doc) - "Well Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you have AIDS"

(Patient) - "Oh NO.....What's the *good* news doc?"

(Doc) - "Your cancer is eating it!!"

A man walks into a bar with his arm covered in asphalt..

...and says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer, and one for the road"

My Kit-Kat bar got stuck in the vending machine at work...

...gimme a break...

OG Rolling Stones Joke

I was on another forum, the comments section of a political site. Somebody was talking about how the Rolling Stones still got it despite having gotten a lot older. So people were making up humorous OG-version Stones song titles, like "Limping Jack Flash" and "Gimme Fiber."

And then somebody said it:

>!"Hey! You! Get Offa My Lawn!"!<

What's a hummingbird's favorite pickup line?

"Gimme some sugar, baby!"

A guy walks into a bar...

He sits down and says to the bartender "gimme somethin' cold and full of gin." The bartender replies "here, take my wife."

[request] Dwarf jokes

As you can see by the title, I want to hear your best jokes about dwarfs or just small people in general.

Gimme your best shot, anything is appreciated.

EA's pay to win system is actually a brilliant idea...

And if you'd like to know why, gimme $20. I may or may not tell you

What did James Hetfield say when he go to the gas station?

Gimme fuel

What did biggie smalls say to the bard?

Gimme the lute

What did Biggie Smalls say to the restaurant host?

Gimme The Booth!

A black man walks into a petrol station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"

A black man walks into a gas station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"
The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!"
The black man says, "Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please."

So Bob Dole was asking Clinton for advice about women...

Bob whines "I just can't seem to get any women, and you always have more than you can handle. Gimme some pointers!"
Bill tells him "Hey, just shove a potato down in your pants, it works for me!"
A few days later, they meet again. "Hey, Bill, I took your advice, and the women seem to avoid me more than ever!"
Bill looks down, and says "You're supposed to put the potato in the *front* of your pants!"

"You know who came out of the closet yesterday?" Harold asked to his friends

"No." His friends answered

"Gimme a kiss and I'll tell you"

A man walks into a brothel and says "Gimme that woman right there."

She's my wife, this isn't a joke.

How to make Gimme jokes?

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