Gig Jokes
99 gig jokes and hilarious gig puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gig that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gig Short Jokes
Short gig jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gig humour may include short concert jokes also.
- I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995. When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"
Then my sister left. - What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show "I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
- I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents... That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.
- a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar it was queen and they were playing their first gig
- Life is hard in a band Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.
- Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon. 10 gigs for $80 a month
- Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs. Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".
- I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
And then "My what big teeth you have!"
My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well. - I used to know a guy who was in a band called 999 megabytes. They were pretty good but they never made a gig.
- My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine... It was a huge mist opportunity.
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Gig One Liners
Which gig one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gig? I can suggest the ones about ska and megabytes.
- My band is called 1023MB We haven't gotten a gig yet
- We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes. We never made it to a gig.
- I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes Still haven't gotten a Gig though
- Why the musician sold his computer... Not enough gigs.
- Have you heard of the band 999 megabytes? Probably not, they haven't got a gig yet
- Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because why emcee, eh?
- What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? "...Would you like fries with that?"
- My rock band got a gig at the baseball game. I played first bass.
- There is a band called '900 mb' They have never had a gig
- Have you ever heard the band 1023MB? Probably not, they've never made a gig.
- I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig... It's disconcerting.
- I'm in a band called 1023 megabytes. People don't believe me when I say we've got a gig.
- Why did the bass player miss his second lesson? He had a gig that night.
- A new band called 1025 MB is playing soon They just barely got a gig
- I started a garage band called Insufficient Memory We really need a gig.
Charming Humor Gig Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about gig you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean band jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gig pranks.
I was once on in a band called 1023MB
We were so close to our first GIG
(edited - XXXX MB is 1 GB. Its a binary joke and yes, it makes sense)
(edit 2 - KiB, MiB and GiB can toss it, 1111111111 )
A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.
After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourth lesson his dad asks, and the kid responds, "I don't need lessons anymore. I've got a gig with a bluegrass band."
A bass player joke.
A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."
After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......
Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."
A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.
He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replies "I can't make the next lesson, I have a gig."
A bass player runs into a bar...
where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"
Have you heard of that new band 1023 Megabytes ?
They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.
Edit !: just woke up and i feel like the comments are funnier than my joke :(
I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.
Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.
It'll be our first gig.
I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My band
My band "coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.
A man wins big...
*pardon if this is a repost*
A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.
When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."
"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."
I used to be in a band called 500Mb......
But we had to break up because we couldn't get a gig.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a job at the s**... club.
"I help the girls get dressed and undressed."
"Great gig. How much?"
"Twenty dollars a day."
"That's not very much."
"It's all I can afford."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead t**... player on the side of the road?
The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
So I recently discovered this band called 1023MB, they're great and all but....
They've never had a gig.
Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes?
So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it.
Ta-boom!
I was going to tell a cereal joke at my first stand-up gig
But it was too corny, so I flaked.
50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.
At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".
The Apple iPod says that 1 gig is enough for 250 songs.
But if I played 250 songs at a gig, the crowd would leave.
A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…
He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the transit commission to adjust the signage but they won't do anything. They said he was just another victim of circus-pants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...
Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.
Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.
r**...: No, I use a single prong gig.
Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?
r**...: Well the first one is from the gig, the second is from where I tried to put it on the s**....
My electricians a great guy. I told him I was worried about my set for my upcoming standup gig and couldn't figure out what material to use.
He just stared me in the eyes and said, "it's all about the crowds energy, joule know watt to use"
"My new band's name is 1023 MB"
"Awesome! When are you guys playing?"
"I don't know. We don't have a gig yet."
Ba Dum Tss...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, this ventriloquist's doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing.
At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: 'What's ye's telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!'
The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: 'I'm sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn't mean to offend you so. I'll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.'
And the p**... goes: 'Who's talkin' to ye's?! I was shpeakin' to the man on your lap!'
A double bass player
A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.
He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notices several other players also ducked taped to their basses, bobbing in the water.
After a pause he yells out "Hey, do we get fed on this gig?"
"We did last year!" one answers.
I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party...
Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.
After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."
My boss fired me today for accidentally deleting over 1000MB of important files
He told me I lost the gig...
A banjo player returns home after a gig one evening...
Parking his car by his housing, he realizes he forgot to bring in with him his banjo from the backseat. He let's it go, thinking it'll probably be there in the morning still. Next morning he approaches his car, and notices that the rear window of his car has been smashed in! Uproared, he rushes to the car, and what does he find once he gets there? Two banjos in the backseat.
After working a construction site in the blistering heat all summer, it made me really miss my old gig.
Because 7/11 was an inside job.
J.K. Rowling started out writing children's literature. Then she tried her hand at writing books for grown-ups. Now she's back to writing for children.
Apparently Twitter's her new gig.
Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.
Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.
My band booked a gig tomorrow at the local pub
So I'm spending all night learning bar chords.
I hear Jian Ghomeshie found a new gig...
Training staff at United in the new Customer Relations initiative.
I asked my agent what time I should arrive to be paid for the Elvis impersonation gig.
He said it's 1 for the money.
I sell microSD cards for phones
It's a side gig
Why did the band 999 megabytes break up?
Because they couldn't get a gig.
I just started a band!
It's called 1023 Meg...
Can't seem to get a gig.
(Thanks for that one dad!)
Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight
Did not go well.
I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.
He was like hey you, down in front, we're trying to watch the movie
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guitar gig at a f**...
A blind comedian goes to a hospital to do a gig.
He notices no one is laughing at his act, but he continues singing, If you're happy and you know it...
The room was full of arm amputees.
Bill Cosby got a new gig....
Bus driver
If they ever make a sequel to You've Got Mail, it should star..
Gig Ryan
I've found out recently the worst way to start a bennefit gig for abused children
is with an apology
The band 1024 Megabytes is coming to town.
It's their first gig.
Did you you hear about 1024 megabytes coming to town?
It's their first gig.
Have you heard of the band 128mb?....
Not many have, they haven't gotten to their first gig yet.
So there's a rock band playing a concert...
And they're almost at the end of their set and exhausted, and their minds start to wander. The guitarist looks out into the crowd and thinks to himself "gee, that girl in the front row is pretty cute, I should see if I can get her to come backstage after the show". The drummer thinks to himself "gee, after this gig I'll be able to afford a new high hat!" All the while, the bassist is up there thinkin "gee....D....F...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the Iraqi s**...'ite Trumpet player who quit the Baghdad Big Band today?
On a gig last night the band leader called the first number - "On the Sunni side of the street."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 comedians
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's material so much, they've reached the point where they don't need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number. Number 37! cracks the first comic, and the others break up. Number 53! says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it's the third comic's turn. 44! he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. What? he asks, Isn't 44 funny? Sure, its usually hilarious, they answer. But the way you tell it s**...
3 drunk men get into a taxi...
3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.
The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but to his horror, the cab driver saw the third man heading for the driver's side door, assuming the gig was up, the driver prepared to make a run for it.
Before he could, the man reached in and slapped him twice, and said in a loud voice,"next time don't drive so fast!".
(Apologies if I butchered the joke)
How many musicians does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A gig
A group of bards named 1023MB passes by.
They complain that they haven't got a gig yet.
I was going to bomb tonight at this stand up gig...
But I left my detonator at home.
I quit my band, 1023MB, the other day...
We never had a Gig.
University of Texas football
Gig 'em!
Rock Band ran out of space for first gig
ended up getting 2nd gig for more concert space
Have you heard of the band named 1023 megabytes?
Of course not, they haven't made it to a gig yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just finished s**... training.
It's a fulltime gig shooting holes in donuts. badom tiss
My Stage Name is '999 Megabytes'.
I haven't gotten a gig yet
a magician has a show on a cruiseboat..
So this magician has gotten himself a gig at a cruiseship.
When the ship is out on the open sea the show starts featuring himself and his parrot.
He is performing his first trick a TADAAA a whole deck of cards flips out thin air. the parrot shrieks loudly "those cards were in his left jacketsleeve, they were in his left jacketsleeve!"
Ok well, time for trick #2, the magician pulls a whole bouquet of flowers out of his hat and the parrot start shrieking "those flowers were in his pockets, those flowers were in his pockets!"
The magician reacts a bit annoyed by the parrot spoiling all his tricks, but he doesn't have alot of time to be angry, because the ship capsizes, drowns, and everyone on board is dead.
Except the magician and his parrot. They are floating on a piece of wreckage and just sort of look awkwardly at each other untill finally the parrot says "Ok fine, I give up, where is that boat?"
When Bob Seger was an up-and-coming musician in Detroit...
He used to celebrate a successful gig by going out to eat at this popular fusion restaurant in town that did a blend of Moroccan and Thai food. All the Detroit elites dined there, and their menu had all kinds of exotic dishes from Thailand and Morocco. But Seger, being a working-class guy, loved their free bread rolls more than anything else.
After they closed, he was so distraught that he wrote a song about it, and started his path to stardom. That song? "I Like That Old Thai-Moroccan Roll."
