She was eaten by a giant crab
I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.
He's essentially a giant banner
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
This is my first dad joke post :)
He was mauled by a giant crab.
She was attacked by a giant crab
I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.
from being crushed by a giant crab.
It was mine.
"That she was killed by a giant crab."
The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation
He is basically a giant banner.
She got eaten by a giant crab
She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.
He was attacked by a giant crab.
morally_inept can't take a joke.
as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
she was attacked by a giant crab
Mauled to death by a giant crab.
..I'm getting nervous thinking I might secretly be a giant spider
Big mistake.
Don't you mean across?
Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".
"I know...but I just peed in their soup."
I asked my boss "where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?"
And he replied "just pop it in the corner"
4 f*cking hours it took me!
My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died
She got beaten to death by a giant crab
The mayor holds a meeting and asks everyone to propose a solution.
Someone stand up and says: "We should put a cop next to the hole and whenever someone falls he'll call an ambulance."
Another person offers to put an ambulance next to the hole.
Someone else offers to build a hospital next to the hole.
At this point everybody starts arguing so the mayor shuts everybody up and says: "You are all stupid. We should close up the hole and dig another one next to the hospital."
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."
The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.
"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.
"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.
"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.
"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."
The bill was huge!
The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The hand then proceeds drops him.
when they come across a giant hole they can't seem to find the bottom of. They wanna know how deep it is, so they see a rusted anvil close by, drag it over, and throw it down the hole. Seconds pass, and they never hear it hit the bottom.
A few seconds later, a goat comes sprinting by, and jumps right into the hole. The farmer comes walking by and asks the hunters "fellas, have you guys seen my goat around here?"
The hunters reply "well he just came running at us 80 mph and jumped down into that hole there!"
The farmer says "well that can't be! He was chained to an anvil!"
Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.
They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"
He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.
Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.
The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"
Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."
and the first cannibal says "I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but I think he gave me an upset stomach."
The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?"
The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always."
The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?"
The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals."
And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."
... So we called the SWAT team.
I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"
I told him, no a giant Miss Steak
it's all over town
... He is essentially a giant banner
He got attacked by a giant crab.
A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, How is this supposed to help? It's not gonna kill me? The pharmacist says Oh no, you see, we follow a modern approach to healing, you just have to take this entire tablet one time and you will be ok. The man pays the Pharmacist goes home and force the giant tablet down his throat and notices that it's acting fast! The same man comes back another time with a terrible cough and asks for a cough medicine. The pharmacist hands him a gallon size cough syrup bottle and says Drink the whole thing at once and you will be fine! the man thanks the pharmacist and follows his exact instruction, the cough goes away. On another day the pharmacist is standing outside his pharmacy when he sees the same man sneaking in and out the other pharmacy. The guy comes back weeks later asking for band aids the pharmacist refuses to sell him any of his giant ones and says You know I saw you going into the other pharmacy. I thought you are becoming a loyal client of mine! The man responses and says, Don't get me wrong sir, I am a loyal customer. I just needed some adult suppositories.
So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. One guy is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first guy starts running towards it, and the closer he gets he realizes what he saw was a giant tree. But the tree was made entirely out of BACON. Every tree limb, every leaf, made from bacon. And so the guy is like "Dude, there's a BACON TREE!" And he starts running towards the tree. But as he gets closer he starts getting pelted with rocks from every direction, and he has no idea where they are coming from. So he turns around and yells to the other guy, "Turn back! It's not a Bacon tree-- IT'S A HAM-BUSH!"
What's Kraken?
A sighclops
Being raped by a giant scorpion..
A mecca
Attacked by a giant crab.
They are thirsty and would do anything for a drink. Suddenly they see a giant slide and a sign next to it. It reads, Slide down the slides and shout the name of the drink you want and when you reach the bottom of the slide, there will be a pool of it
The first man slides down the slide and shouts, WATER! and lands in a pool of that
The next man slides and shouts, COKE and lands in a pool of that
The last man slides, and enjoys himself so much that he shouts, WEEEEE
He was eaten by a giant crab.
The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand...show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her off the stage. The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness through out the land.
The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one Who are you? The creature responds We're Trids! We just go up the hill, as they point to a hill in the distance, and a giant kicks us down! The rabbi is curious, and treks all the way to the top of the hill, where he sees the giant. He sees Trids being kicked down the hill while laughing hysterically. The rabbi asks the giant, Can I get a kick? That looks fun! to which the giant responds, Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!
When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating
.... she was killed by a giant crab.
So when Mexicans try to cross they will read "welcome to Mexico" and turn around.
It's all over town.
He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard." The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?" Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."
A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Cool! Can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"
"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.
A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.
"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
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