ghosts Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ghosts puns

What religion do ghosts practice?



Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They gave each other the willies


What's the main religion of most ghosts?

Boo dism


A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."


Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.


How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?

One has boooooobs.
The other gets full pay at their jobs.


How do ghosts make friends?

By buttering a flight of stairs.


What do ghosts do when they're sad?

They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.


Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!


I've finally Got over my fear of ghosts!

Therapist: 'That's the spirit!'
Me: 'Oh fuck where?!'


How do Ghosts get Drunk?



Dad, are ghosts real?

Dad: No son, of course not

Son: The nanny said they are

Dad: Okay, pack your stuff... We don't have a nanny


A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"


On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.

Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets. Trump's face sours, and he yells FAKE NEWS!

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks how can I make America great again? Washington replies I would suggest you never tell a lie , which infuriates Trump.

Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks how can I make America great again? . Lincoln responds, go to the theater.


How do ghosts become friends?

They bond over boos.

I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry.


Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."


Why don't ghosts go out in the rain?

It dampens their spirits


Why can't ghosts make babies?

They have hollow weenies!

.... And I'll just see myself out.


What do ghosts get arrested for?



What are our names?

A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."


Why doesn't Trump stay in the Whitehouse on weekends?

All the ghosts in their white sheets keep reminding him of his father.


I went to the therapist for my fear of ghosts

*After few weeks*

Me:I have conquered my fear of ghosts

Therapist:Good, that's the spirit

Me:Oh shit, where?

PS:Stole this from Twitter;)


What do kinky ghosts enjoy?



What do ghosts drink?



Why is there no trust among ghosts?

They can see right through each other.


Why are ghosts popular at parties?

Because they always bring the booze.


Why did the ghosts haunt the bar?

For the boos.


What do you call a couple of average ghosts?



The professor asked "how many believe in ghosts?"

Almost half the class held up their hands

The professor then asked "how many have seen a ghost?"

More than a quarter to the class held up their hands

The professor then asked "How many have talked to a ghost?"

And three students held up their hands

Finally the professor asked "How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One student, a Muslim in the rear, held up his hand.

The professor walked back to the student, and asked "So you've actually had sex with a ghost?"

The student looked at the professor, a surprised look on his face, and muttered "I though you said goats..."


For ghosts it must be hard to live...

They're always going through a lot of things


Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars?

Because they're only there for the boos.


How do ghosts get ghouls interested in them?

They woooooooOOOOOOOooooo them.


What do you call a little person who can talk to ghosts and just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.


Sex with a Ghost

A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"


why do ghosts like elevators?

it lifts their spirits


What are the most funny Ghosts jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ghosts? Well, here are the best Ghosts dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ghosts pick up lines to share with friends.

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