For the BOOOOS
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
They would steal all the boos.
To come back from the other side.
He got arrested for possession
He got arrested for possession.
And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"
The ghost smiles and says "possession".
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
To lift his spirits.
He couldn't handle his boos.
By buttering a flight of stairs.
They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.
Boo, DUH!!!
What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?
A poultry-geist.
Bam! *Boo*!
Booze.
A oui-a-boo.
He was charged with possession.
"Sorry sir" the barmen says, "We don't serve spirits after eleven"
Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"
He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.
They bond over boos.
I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry.
Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.
A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."
That's the spirit.
Disclaimer: My girlfriend told me this one and she has repeatedly said it pretty much since last Christmas and stills finds it super amusing.
It dampens their spirits
The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!
They have hollow weenies!
.... And I'll just see myself out.
His mom got soul custody.
Boo Bees
A living room
Possesion.
The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
A spiritualist meeting, and the leader asks the crowd, "Who here believes in ghosts?" Most of the hands go up. "Has anyone here seen a ghost?" Fewer hands go up. "Heard a ghost?" "Smelled a ghost?" "Touched a ghost?" Fewer hands go up each time. Finally, he asks "Has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?" One hand goes up down the back. The leader of the meeting goes, "Come up to the stage, we want to hear about your experience." The man comes up to the stage, and is asked, "So, what's it like to have sex with a ghost?" And he replies, "Sorry, I was down the back so I didn't hear you properly, I thought you said goat."
I'm just here for the boos.
Possession.
While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.
A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have sex with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus.
At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and starts praying. Then, th hippy stands up and says "I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment.
Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!"
One is white and scares young children and the other is a ghost.
Two old friends in their 80's John and Frank grew up together and always loved baseball since they were young. They went to the park everyday to feed the bids and talk about baseball.
One day, John turns to Frank and says, "Frank, do you think there is baseball in heaven?"
John think for a second then says, "Well how about this. Whichever one of us dies first will find out if there is
baseball in heaven, then come back as a ghost to tell the other one."
Frank agrees to this and they continue to feed the birds and talk.
Sadly, a few weeks later, Frank dies of a heart attack.
John kept going to the park to feed the birds, only now, he did it alone. After a few days, he hears a voice, "Joooooohn. Jooooooohn."
John is surprised at first, but then says, "Frank? Is that you?"
Frank responds, "Yeeesss. I've come back with good news and bad news."
John asks, "Oh my god Frank! I've missed you so much! What's the good news?"
Frank responds, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven."
John says, "Oh my god, that's amazing! What could possibly be the bad news?"
Frank says, "You're pitching on Friday."
An Inspectre
The ghost orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve spirits here."
A Ghost Pepper.
Bamboo!
Bamboo
A poultry-geist.
BOOOOOZE
Because he always brings the boos
By goblin it.
Sorry
My whole family advised me not to.
"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.
"Why?" I asked.
"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."
"Don't go near the pirate ship," said my sister.
"Why?"
"Because it is haunted by Cut Throat Greybeard... a ghost who will hang you and slice you..."
"And don't go into the hall of mirrors," warned my dad.
"Why, who is in there?" I asked.
"No one, you're just ugly..."
For the boos.
Because they always bring the booze.
... at first I was afraid, I was petrified.
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
A man runs into a gas station, obviously very flustered. The attendant asks "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?" The man looks at the attendant and says, in a very shaky voice, "It's horrible. Someone just broke into my car when I came in to pay for my gas a minute ago." The attendant says "Oh my." The man continues, losing more coherence as he speaks "I had a ticket to the Lions game on Sunday sitting on the dashboard..." The attendant asks "Did they take your ticket?" The man says, barely able to speak at this point, "No, worse. They left another one there."
One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.
Almost half the class held up their hands
The professor then asked "how many have seen a ghost?"
More than a quarter to the class held up their hands
The professor then asked "How many have talked to a ghost?"
And three students held up their hands
Finally the professor asked "How many have had sex with a ghost?"
One student, a Muslim in the rear, held up his hand.
The professor walked back to the student, and asked "So you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The student looked at the professor, a surprised look on his face, and muttered "I though you said goats..."
They're walking down an empty beach on a Saturday night talking about eachother.
"I'm in Real Estate," says Jane. Enzo replies "That's right! I've seen your name in front of some big houses in this town!"
Jane replies "Yeah I bet, I'm pretty good at my job."
Enzo says "I'm a ghost hunter."
Jane looks at him and starts laughing at him saying "That's your job? a Ghost Hunter? Hahaha, I've never even seen a ghost before in my life!"
to which Enzo replies "Yeah I bet, I'm pretty good at my job."
He had to take a sheet.
BOO'S.
1. Because he was sheet faced.
1. Because he couldn't hold his boos.
Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."
Because they're only there for the boos.
Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.
Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastically. We fight all the time, and we never seem to do anything together anymore. I'm starting to think there's someone else here too, like she's cheating on me. Ben, I'm not sure what to do."
Obi-Wan responded "Use divorce, Luke"
A famous psychic was giving a show.
"How many of you have seen a ghost?" he said to the large audience. Several hands went up.
"Several of you, good. Now, keep your hand up if you've \*touched\* a ghost." All but a few hands go down.
"Ok, now keep your hand up if you've had \*sex\* with a ghost." There's gasps and nervous laughter. Everybody's hands go down, except one.
The psychic is surprised but curious. He runs over. "You sir, stand up. You've actually had \*sex\* with a ghost!"
"Oh! I thought you said goat."
They're always going through a lot of things
With a Squeegee Board
They woooooooOOOOOOOooooo them.
"I'm just here for boos"
it lifts their spirits
"I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.."
"Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend.
"Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sullenly.
"I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!"
"..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation.
Smug, the ghost friend said;
"That's the spirit!"
SOBER!
Note: (am Dad) I told this joke to my kids at Olive Garden last night, and an old lady made sure to let me know how corny it was
He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?
Didn't see it cuming.
Because they have halloweenies!
I know it's going to come back to haunt me!
He wasn't a visible minority.
Because you can see right through them.
It's going to be scary, I can feel it.
That's the spirit!
Getting exorcised
Nothing. Cows don't have souls.
He stops at the bar and says Barkeep, I'll take a glass of your finest wine.
The bartender doesn't respond.
The ghost is angered and says, Your finest wine, or I'm going to haunt your bar.
Still no response from the bartender.
The ghost says, Hey buddy, what's your problem??
The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve spirits here.
After buying a so-called haunted house, the new owner discovers it really was. A nasty poltergeist was terrorizing his family.
Calling around, he finally found a guy willing to do an exorcism for $10,000. The new owner asked for terms and the guy agreed to do it for $1000.00 a month.
He came by and voila! The ghost was gone.
Six months in the new owner was getting tired of making payments so he stopped.
Well, sure enough the nasty ghost was back. Realizing that he had no choice, he called the exorcist and humbly asked him to come back.
The exorcist declined, saying, "No can do. Your house has been repossessed!"
The bartender says:
'What'll it be, spirits?
The living room( haha get it?)
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