ghost Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ghost puns

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...

For the BOOOOS

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After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

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What does a perverted ghost say?

Booooobs.

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The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

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Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

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Why did the ghost cross the road?

To come back from the other side.

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Did you hear about the stoner ghost?

He got arrested for possession

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Why did the ghost go to jail?

He got arrested for possession.

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A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.

Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!

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A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

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Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

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Why did the ghost get in the elevator?

To lift his spirits.

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Why did the ghost barf all over his date?

He couldn't handle his boos.

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How do ghosts make friends?

By buttering a flight of stairs.

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What do ghosts do when they're sad?

They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.

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My 8 year old son wrote this...

What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?

A poultry-geist.

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Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!

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What do you call it when a Chinese ghost hits you with a stick?

Bam! *Boo*!

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How do Ghosts get Drunk?

Booze.

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Two black guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75

Black guy one: "Do you think it will work?

Black guy two: "Only one way to find out."

BG1: "I only have $50"

BG2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change

BG1: "Let's do it then"

BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.

BG1: "Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25"

BG2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."

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What do you call a french ghost that likes anime?

A oui-a-boo.

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Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison?

He was charged with possession.

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A ghost walks into a bar

"Sorry sir" the barmen says, "We don't serve spirits after eleven"

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A grave encounter

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, 
says the relieved teen. What are you 
doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

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Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:

"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."

And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"

Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"

Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"

Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"

Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"

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Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

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Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?

Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

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How do ghosts become friends?

They bond over boos.





I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry.

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Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven.

A few days later I saw his ghost. He said

"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

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The Man and the Nun

A man gets onto a bus. On this bus, the man meets a nun. The man, being a straight-forward guy, asks the nun if she wants to have sex. The nun replies "Heaven's, no!" and gets off the bus. When the man gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him.
"You know, that nun visits a grave every night at midnight. If you really want to have sex with her, all you have to do is dress up like the ghost of that grave and demand sex. She can't possibly turn you down."
The man says thanks and exits the bus. Later that night, the man arrives at the grave dressed as a ghost. He approaches the nun and demands sex.
The nun responds "Well, alright. I have an oath of virginity, however, so it'll have to be anal sex."
The man says fine and the two have sex. Afterwards, the man takes off his costume.
"Jokes on you, I was the man all along!"
The nun pulls off her costume.
"Jokes on you, I was the bus driver."

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Do you want to hear a joke about a ghost?

That's the spirit.


Disclaimer: My girlfriend told me this one and she has repeatedly said it pretty much since last Christmas and stills finds it super amusing.

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Why don't ghosts go out in the rain?

It dampens their spirits

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At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

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Why can't ghosts make babies?

They have hollow weenies!


.... And I'll just see myself out.

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What are the most funny Ghost jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ghost? Well, here are the best Ghost dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ghost pick up lines to share with friends.

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