Getting Wasted Jokes
102 getting wasted jokes and hilarious getting wasted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about getting wasted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Getting Wasted Short Jokes
Short getting wasted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting wasted humour may include short drinking jokes also.
- Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers? Saskatchewan got to pick first.
- Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
- Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps? New Jersey had the first pick.
- Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites? New Jersey picked first.
- Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.
The house is still messed up as usual. - Two great opportunities are walking past a bar. The one says to the other, Let's go inside and get wasted.
- As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?... Nah i better give them to this homeless guy
- It usually only takes me one drink to get completely wasted I just can't remember if it's the 16th or the 17th
- My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels but I say it's a waste of Tim.
- Hate speak, obscene photos, and narcissistic viewpoints caused me to get completely off of social media. [OC] I found myself wasting too much time posting that stuff!
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Getting Wasted One Liners
Which getting wasted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting wasted? I can suggest the ones about drinking alcohol and drinking a lot.
- My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted
- What do you get when you pour red bull onto a clock? A waste of time and energy.
- It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality... You'd never get a straight answer.
- When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted... The vicar does.
- What do you get when you cross a waste of a human and human waste? Ashit Pai
- What does a good carpenter and a 20 years old girl have in common? No wood gets wasted
- How are an airplane and my father the same? If they can't get high, they're wasted.
- I have a special pair of pants for when I get cross faded. They're high wasted.
- What do you call a deer that gets run over by a truck full of toxic waste? Carnimal. XD
- How's it called when you get hammered and forget the time? Time wasted
- where do germs go to get wasted? read des. the soap bar
- I'm part Irish I like getting wasted like food on bulimics.
- You've wasted your time explaining s**... to me I still don't get it.
- A t**... flies into a bar.... And gets everybody wasted.
- Why is a good h**... like a skilled carpenter? No wood gets wasted.
Getting Wasted Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about getting wasted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting wasted pranks.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit s**...," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
So a man and a giraffe walk into a bar....
They each get wasted, the giraffe falls over.
The man goes to leave but the bartender says "oi! you cant leave that lyin there!"
The man says... "Its not a lion... its a giraffe."
s**...
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
A Jumper
On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
So a guy walks into a bar...
So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."
A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician
are having one of their daily meetings for a project when the waste basket catches on fire. The physicist gets up, gets a bucket from the closet, goes out to fill it with water, and puts out the fire. The meeting is concluded without further incident.
During the next day's meeting, the waste basket catches on fire again. The chemist gets up, gets the bucket from where the physicist left it, goes out to fill it with sand, and puts out the fire. The meeting goes on as normal.
The following day, the waste basket catches on fire again. The mathematician gets up, gets the bucket from where the chemist left it, puts it in the closet, and returns to his seat, thus reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.
So a teddy bear got a job at a mine...
Once upon a time, there was a teddy bear, and that teddy bear got a job at a mine.
On his first day there, he got up in the morning, grabbed his pick, and did a good day of mining, then he went to sleep.
The next day, he got up, grabbed his pick, and did an even BETTER day of mining, then he went to sleep.
On his third day though, he got up in the morning, and his pick was nowhere to be found! He searched and searched and searched, but he could not find it anywhere! In fact, he wasted a whole day searching before he gave up and visited the foreman of the mine. When he asked his pick, the foreman looked at him and said Oh don't you know? Today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked!
(Sorry if this has been posted before, I was compiling all of my favourite jokes and I though you guys might like this one)
A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods...
The happen upon a stream where a frog yells at them,
"I'm a magical frog. I'll grant each of you 3 wishes since your the first to grace me with your presence on over a hundred years"
"ok but i go first," says the bear. "I wish every bear in this forest, except for me, were female!" And p**...! All the bears are female.
"Ok ok my turn, I wish for a helmet!" Says the rabbit.
p**...! A helmet appears in his hands.
"you're an idiot rabbit. Such a waste of a wish... I wish all the bears in the next forest over were female!"
p**...! His wish is granted.
"i wish for the worlds fastest dirt bike." Says rabbit.
p**...! His wish is granted.
"For my final wish, i wish all the bears in the world, except for me, are female!"
p**...!
Rabbit gets on his new dirtbike and revs the engine a few times before saying, "Frog, for my final wish." He paused to rev his engine one more time. "I WISH BEAR WAS GAY!" and he took of into the woods.
Blowing chunks
At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before.
"I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man.
"I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house," said the second man.
But the third man was certain he got more wasted than his friends. "I got so drunk, I set my entire house on fire!" he argued.
"I don't think you guys understand," said the first man. "My dog's name is chunks."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
A heroic biker . . .
Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit s**...."
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
So a guy walls into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
A dialogue between Russians.
-Guys, maybe we should stop drinking.
-We allready did. We're getting wasted now!
A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel...
A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel in 3 separate rooms. All 3 of their waste paper baskets catch on fire and wake them up from their humble slumber.
The physicist sees the fire and thinks quickly! He calculates the amount of water needed to put out the fire, and douses it with water. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The engineer sees the fire and thinks quickly! He draws, designs, and constructs a larger bucket to suffocate the fire. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The mathematician sees the fire and thinks quickly! He gets out a pad of paper and a pen and starts calculating. After a few minutes he yells "ahah! This problem has a solution!" And goes back to bed.
The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard
p**... Englishman, p**... Scotsman and p**... Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old s**... wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"
Without wasting a second, p**... Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."
The s**... wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"
p**... Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."
The s**... wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"
The s**... wizard turns to p**... Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"
"I'll save my tenner," says p**... Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"
When miley cyrus gets n**... and licks a hammer..it's "art" and "music".
But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".
A driver crosses a big, new bridge and is stopped by a police officer as he reaches the other side
"Congratulations!" says the officer with a smile "The town decided to award the millionth person to pass this bridge a prize of 1.000 dollars, and you just won the award! Say, do you already have an idea what you're going to spend the money on?"
"Yeah" says the driver "Imma gonna get me a drivers license!"
His wife quickly butts in "Oh, don't listen to him, offficer. He always jokes around when he's wasted."
Old Gramps on the back seat also chimes in "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. I knew it!"
And from the trunk a muffled voice asks "Guys, are we across the border already?"
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars...
Simply get closer to the object you wish to view.
A guy goes to a restaurant
and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"
A man stumbles out of a bar
A man, completely wasted, stumbles out of a bar. He begins his relatively long and unbalanced journey home. After a few blocks he notices a nun walking on the other side of the street. He stops dead in his tracks and gets this s**...-eating grin on his face. Suddenly, he bolts over to the nun and starts dishing out a violent beat down. After about 10 minutes the man finally relents, stands up, spits on the nun and says "ain't so tough now are ya, batman"
Doing what is right
While I was strolling around the harbor this morning about 11 am. I noticed a t**... who slipped from the bridge and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that require you to help those in distress, I notified the Police, Coastguard, Immigration office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 4 PM, the t**... has drowned and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted 4 stamps!
Edit-small typo.
The president of the university is asked a question about credible sources
President :"Its such an important thing, and it does not make sense for everyone to have to verify the credibility of the source and search for it every time its needed. So what I propose is we start collections of credible sources and hire some people to manage it. Whenever you wanted to get information on a subject you would just ask one of those people and they would help you get it."
Reporter: "Would you consider expanding the campus library?"
President: "No way, its a waste of space and money."
A Priest Visits an Eskimo
One day a priest decided to spread the good word of Jesus to the frozen wastes of the far north. He found an Eskimo huddled up in his cozy igloo trying to stay warm. The priest invited himself in and began to teach the Eskimo about the word of God. A few hours later, the priest felt that the stories of all the miracles made by Jesus and of eternal life in heaven would be sufficient enough to convert the Eskimo to Christianity. The Eskimo, remaining silent all this time, said "So is it true that those who do not know of God and of sin will still find eternal life in heaven?" The priest, eager to get a response out of the Eskimo, responded "Why, of course! God would never abandon his lost children!" The Eskimo, becoming irritated by this intruder, retorted, "Then why did you tell me?!"
A man purchases some livestock....
but has no way to get it home. He walks to the only pay phone for miles which has a rate that charges the user $5 per word spoken and recieved. Not one to waste money, he places a call to his wife and says "Com-for-ta-ble"
Life is like a sewer...
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
(Shamelessly ripped from An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer)
I accidentally spilled my bottle of r**... on the floor.
I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.
Have you ever been to an Istanbul nightclub?
I hear they're poppin' and a good place to get wasted!
Was talking to a lady online. Things were getting sensual.
So I asked her if she liked guys with big d**....
She replied " oh, yes baby! I do! .."
I apologized for wasting her time and said good night...
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
Another penguin joke.
So a penguin is driving around town when he car starts having some issues. Worried he pulls into a mechanic shop to get it looked at. The walrus working there needs 20 minutes to check it over so the penguin decides to waddle around to waste time and ends up grabbing some vanilla ice cream.
In his delight of his snack and enjoying the sights he ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his mouth but doesn't have anything to clean it off so he heads back to the shop since it's almost time for the mechanic to be done.
Walking up to the shop the mechanic looks over to him and says "Well it looks like you blew a seal"
"oh?" Says the penguin "oh, no this is just vanilla ice cream"
Son walks in on Parents...
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn't get in line. I knew it was a trick…
Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents
The Ultimate Question.
A man is granted the answer to any question he could possibly think of by a genie.
The man thinks a bit before finally asking: "Would people get mad if they found out I wasted this opportunity?"
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
Biker VS Suicidal Girl
A tough looking group of bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit s**...," she says. While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!
"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF!"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"RUTH!"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "Well, kid, that's show business."
A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.
There isn't enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn't want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.
She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She's about to go through security when she's stopped. Sorry ma'am, the guard says, we don't allow carrion.
Three things to remember
Three things to remember when after you turn fifty
1 never trust a fat
2 pick every chance you get
3 never waste a hard on even if you are by yourself.
Hey guys, I'm looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.
I'm not gonna pay anyone but I'm sure you'll get plenty of exposure.
May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...
Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.
Impeachment is a joke
Steve Hilton:
"what a contrast:
- President Trump signs historic trade deal, 1st time any western leader gets China to acknowledge/curb its theft
- Nancy Pelosi wastes America's time with her pointless impeachment stunt
she is an utter embarrassment - a divisive, spiteful, hate-filled charlatan"
After work, a coworker said he wanted to get couple bottles of liquor to get keyed. I told him not to waste his money.
I scratched him with my keys. He was mad for some reason.
What do you call the place where bad noodles live?
The Spaghetto
What do you call noodles who can't remember anything?
Forgetti
I'd like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.
I hope my internet points don't take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.
Guy: How will my future be?
FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.
Guy: So what happens after 42.
FT: You'll stop thinking about it.
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
A little boy walks into his parents' room
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Ex-Girlfriend
My ex-girlfriend called and asked if she could stay at my house for a few nights. She said she has been hearing weird noises and thinks someone is outside her place at night.
I said she could definitely stay. I really hope we can get back together. Otherwise, I wasted a month going to her place and making weird noises each night.
CEO spots a man wandering in a factory
In a factory, A man standing on the floor, not doing any work and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.
Man replied "5000 sir"
CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him
"I pay people to work and not to waste time, This is your 3months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back".
That guy left....
Then CEO asked workers, "Who was that guy?"
workers replied "PIZZA delivery boy, sir."
Wasted
A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best l**.... She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.
"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.
Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."
A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.
They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".
So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed, they confront their neighbor about the 3 wasted rolls.
He replies "Huh. That happened to you too?"
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…
My dad told me this joke and wanted to share it
One of my dad's teachers when he went to school, came each day with a bicycle and he was always on time.
But one day the teacher was a bit late. But when my dad saw him running into the school with his bicycle by his side he asked;"Why are you dragging your bicycle beside you"
And the teacher replied;"Oh, you see I was late, so I didn't want to waste time getting on the bike"
An uncertain person rubs a lantern and the genie appears and says "Get on with it."
"uh, I wish I knew how this worked."
"ok, I wish I hadn't wasted that wish."
"uh I wish I knew how this worked."
...