Getting Shocked Jokes
117 getting shocked jokes and hilarious getting shocked puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about getting shocked that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Getting Shocked Short Jokes
Short getting shocked jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting shocked humour may include short shocked jokes also.
- Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
- I have a friend who can't seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy. Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.
- Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older... It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
- Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore... She really keeps me grounded.
- Shock humor is getting pretty old these days So I can finally pretend to be shock humor's friend to get money when it dies
- Just dropped my phone earlier but I ain't shocked Can't get a heart attack if you sold your heart to buy an iPhone X
- A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results [shocking]()
- A man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. Needless to say, his wife was shocked.
- What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?
A bit of a shock really. - Only mass transit kids will get this! We rank the top rails, the third one will shock you!
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Getting Shocked One Liners
Which getting shocked one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting shocked? I can suggest the ones about electric shock and startled.
- [Ad] We asked 100 people what it's like getting the chair.. The results will shock you…
- Why didn't the electrician get shocked? They were unionized.
- How do you call Anakin Skywalker's padawan after getting tased by enemy? A shocked Tano.
- Getting shocked by electricity doesn't just hurt It gigahertz
- What happens if you get hit by a Tesla? You get a big shock!
😉 - Why is it always so shocking to have your lies exposed? You get de-fib-rillated
Getting Shocked Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about getting shocked you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean astonished jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting shocked pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old women were talking about their s**.
.. lives.
Ethel was upset because her s**... life had really died, while Mildred said her s**... life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild s**... the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son.
I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“b**..., you know his parents are pressing him!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a v**.
.. and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband n**... to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A runaway man from prison that was sentenced for life, has stayed in for 25 years.
While trying to find a place to hide, he enters a newlywed’s house, ties the man in a chair in a corner of the room and ties the woman in the bed.
He climbs on the bed, on top of the woman and appears to be kissing her neck.
Then he gets up and leaves the room.
Immediately the husband drags his chair up to the bed and whispers to his wife: "My love, this man hasn’t seen a woman for many years. I saw him kissing your neck and rushing out. Just play nice with him and do as he asks you to. If he wants to have s**... with you just agree and pretend that you like it. Whatever you do, don’t go against his will and upset him. Both our lives are at your hands right now, be strong and remember that I love you."
As soon as the half n**... woman recovers from the shock of what she just heard, she says: "Honey, I feel very relieved that you see it this way. You are right, this man has not seen a woman for years but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering to me. He said that he finds you very cute and asked me if we have Vaseline in the bathroom! Be strong and remember that I love you too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have s**... with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her p**... off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
The mayor sees him and asks, "Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?"
"I'm taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated," answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, "Surely your father had better be doing that?"
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, "Nah, I think it's really best left with the bulls."
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...
So he walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.
"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"
After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.
Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.
He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y'all to order water instead of wine?!"
A forester and a Lawyer die...
So a Forester and a Lawyer die and go to heaven. They're greeted at the gates by their guide. He motions for them to follow and leads them down a beautiful, gold washed path. At the end of the path they reach a solid gold mansion, glittering in the sun. The Guide turns to the Lawyer and says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope it's to your liking." The Lawyer thanks him profusely and enters the mansion.
The guide motions to the Forester and they move on down a beautiful cobble street. They keep going. They pass by giant Victorian neighborhood and still keep going. They pass a regular suburb, then a trailer park, then shacks. Finally they end up on a barely visible dirt path where they reach a lean-to. The guide says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope you like it."
The Forester stops the guide and says,"Why do I get the lean-to? I was good my whole life. I never did anything bad. Why does the other guy get a solid gold mansion?"
The guide looks shocked as he replies,"Sir, we get Foresters all the time. That was the first Lawyer we have ever had."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bats' Competition
Three Bats were talking about who was the best at s**... blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.
The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."
Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."
Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
A man comes home early from work.....
A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.
Lower back problems
The other day, my friend and I were discussing Scarlett Johansson. I said: "I think she got breast reduction surgery." My friend asked why. I told him, "lower back problems." He looked shocked and indignant and said: "why didn't she get lower back surgery then?"
A joke my father told me.
I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;
A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.
The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.
"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."
Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.
The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".
Silence.
He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied
"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful young woman marries a wealthy elderly man...
thinking that he'll die very soon. "Probably the first time we have s**...." she thinks to herself. After the wedding, they arrive at the hotel and it's s**... time. The old man says he needs to get ready, and goes into the bathroom. When he emerges, he is wearing nothing but a c**..., nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the young woman says, "I understand the c**..., but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
how to get out of a speeding ticket
cop pulls me over and we start into the standard lines
officer: "do you know how fast you were going?"
me: "no in all honesty i don't, see my crack pipe slipped out of my hand and when i went to grab it my gun fell on the gas pedal then the h**... in my trunk wouldn't shut up so i had to start swerving trying to knock her out"
the officer looked at me really strange before asking me to step out of the vehicle, he hand cuffed me and sat me on the curb waiting for back up, and the drug sniffing dog. finally after all is said and done they search my car, find nothing then his commanding officer walks up to me
commander: "now son my officer here tells me you admitted to doing drugs, having a firearm, as well as a h**... in your trunk"
i look shocked then reply
me: "i bet he told you i was speeding to didn't he?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish businessman meets a redhead...
A Jewish businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a p**... and that
her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after a few minutes of
thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few minutes in the bathroom and
was shocked when she came out to see him m**... furiously on the bed.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
"Poor Kid"
A couple is due to have a child. The day finally comes and the wife has the child but it comes out with just a head. The couple are a little let down by it, but they are determined to give that head the best life it could live. They give it all its shots, feed it, and nurture it. The head comes up on its 21st birthday when the dad wants to take him out for a drink. They get to the bar and the father orders a couple beers. He helps the head down its first beer when it grows a neck. The father is shocked, so he orders another beer and gives it to the head and it grows some shoulders. The father keeps giving the head more and more beers until it grows a full body. The kid, so excited to have a complete body, is just running around dancing with wild drunken joy, and he runs out into the street only to get hit by a bus. The bartender says to the father "aw, poor kid; should have quit while he was a-head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**..., an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist...
The s**... says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any s**... contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The s**... and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The s**... says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the s**... and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oscar
• Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius
• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
• When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
• Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
• Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
• I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
• What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
• Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
• A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
• I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
• Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.
• And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on
And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wants to be an Eskimo...
He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things:
1) You must drink one gallon of 151 r**..., and if you can handle it and maintain all of your faculties, we will know your body and spirit are in harmony.
2) You must climb up the tall mountain and kill the polar bear that resides in the cave at the summit.
3) To show your true love for our race, you must make love to an Eskimo woman of my choosing."
The man thinks for a while, and agrees to complete the challenges. He first drinks the gallon of 151 and it was like nothing ever happened to him. He can talk, walk, and think logically. Next, he ascends the mountain and is not seen for a few hours after entering the cave. The chief breathes a sigh of relief, because he is sure the polar bear killed him, but gets the shock of his life when he sees the man descending the mountain. He is in tatters. His clothes are ripped, he is breathing heavily and sweating profusely, and his hair is pointing in every direction.
He approaches the chief, ready for the third challenge and asks, "Alright, now who is this woman you want me to kill?"
Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. But a couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the saw again. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's in rehab again, exercising". Sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. Bill comes back to work in two days, fully recovered.
But, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down crying and says, "He's dead!" Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in?", sighs Tom. "No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day...
Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day when an accomplished lawyer who was passing through decided to recline in the shade of a nearby tree.
One of the farmhands approached him and asked "how did you get to be so wealthy?" to which the lawyer replied "Well son, I have an education."
The farmhand asked, "What is an education?"
The lawyer put his hand against the tree and told the worker to hit is hand as hard as he could with his shovel.
After a brief reluctant pause the farmhand proceeded to swing at the lawyer's hand. Moments before impact the lawyer moved his hand away and the farmhand hit the center of the tree with a tremendous force.
"That son, is an education," the lawyer replied as he began to continue on his way leaving the farmhand recovering from the shock of the tree.
By this time the second farmhand had wandered up to the first and asked about his conversation with the stranger.
"He taught me about having an education," the farmhand replied.
"Well, what is an education?" the other inquired.
To that, the first farmhand put his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand with that shovel as hard as you can."
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
Three strikes
Wild west. Newlyweds are on their way from the church in their carriage when the horse trips.
‒ "One", counts the husband, to the bewildered glance from his new wife, and they keep going.
Shortly, the horse trips again.
‒ "Two", counts the man, again receiving a puzzled look from his woman.
A little while later the horse trips for a third time.
‒ "Three!", proclaims the man, jumps off the carriage, walks over to the horse and shoots it dead.
The wife, shocked and appalled, runs up to the man and starts shouting at him:
‒ What *are* you doing!? You can't just get rid off something because it has made three mistakes, you can't apply a three-strike rule to everything you have in your life!!
The husband, calmly, looks at his wife and says:
‒ "One"...
Directly to Jesus
One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complaining about this exact problem
"Every time I ask Aeris to clean the pews he sleeps on them instead!"
"That's nothing, once I found the Alter boys gambling behind the church one Sunday afternoon!"
One astute priest from america chuckes to himself and proclaims:
"Whenever an alter boy acts up I bring him directly to Jesus and we iron it out right there, right then."
The other priests were dumbfound as even they with all their devotion could not speak to Jesus directly! Well a year went by and the priests met up again and exclaimed the same problem with the alter boys was not getting any better. In an attempt to finally resolve their problem they confronted the American priest and asked him for advice. When the American priest spoke he did so with a sad tone in his voice and declared that Jesus had left his church shortly after last years meeting. Shocked the priests asked how this could be! The American priest told them that while he was gone Jesus was caught stealing red wine from the cellar and he had to hire a new janitor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scotsman's Chilli
A hungry bloke
walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......
He sits at the counter and
notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of
chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke
bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,
"Nah, ye can g**... ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with
delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
too".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A penguin is on a road trip and his car breaks down
He pulls off to the nearest mechanic to get it looked at, and the mechanic tells him it's gonna be about an hour before he knows anything. So the penguin decides to walk a couple blocks to a shopping center.
It's really hot in this place and the penguin's not used to that at all, so he starts looking for ways to cool off. He sees a Baskin Robbins and decides to go in and get himself an ice cream cone. He goes outside and sits down to enjoy it, and it's delicious. The heat starts to melt it and he gets ice cream all over himself, but he doesn't care because it's cold and reminds him of home. He's happy as can be, just l**... away and making a total mess of himself, until the cone is gone and he realizes it's almost time to get his car back.
So he goes back to the mechanic, the guy has just finished up and the penguin asks, "Well, what was the problem?" The mechanic replies "It looks like you just blew a seal."
The penguin is shocked and cries, "No it's just ice cream, I swear!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a s**... count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a s**... count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane...
They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country."
They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful."
When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's faces he says, "I hate this country."
When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, "I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him!"
When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, "I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye!"
When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scotsmans Chilli
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. ...
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks:
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,
"Nah, ye can g**... ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rancher Abe and his mating bull
Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a v**... smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the v**... juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose
Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.
After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the v**... smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her p**..., fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.
Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"
Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"
A lawyer was in his BMW...
...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...
The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a v**..., the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear and a rabbit are fighting in the woods.
Along comes the magical turtle of the forrest and says to them "if you two stop fighting I will grant you each 3 wishes." As to both bear and rabbit agree. First wish the bear says "I wish all the bears in this forrest except for me to be female" the rabbit without even hesitating says "I want a bike!". The bear looks at him in shock trying not to yell at him fpr such a s**... wish. Second wish the bear goes "I want all the bears in this forrest and the next forrest other than me to be female" the rabbit starts laughing and says "I want a bike!". Bear gets mad again at the bad wish rabbit ignores him. Third wish bear goes "I want all the bears in the world other than me to be female" at this point the rabbit is in tears from laughing, he puts on his helmet gets on his bike and as hes driving away he yells "I wish the bear was gay!"
The zoo inspector and the monkey
Once upon a time, an inspector planned to come to a zoo, as it wasn't doing well and didn't make profit. That became a problem to the managers who didn't want him to find out that they sold the monkey.
So they approached bill, a janitor and a faithful worker there and gave him a monkey suit and told him how to act like a monkey, and it will only last until the inspector leaves.
Came the inspector, the worker was in the cage and started acting like a monkey. The inspector wasn't pleased with the animal and thought that it was sick and old, so he told throw the monkey to the lion and get a new one, and the managers agreed.
Bill lied there still and overwhelmed with shock, because, after all these years working faithfully, they agreed to throw him just like that! He was paralyzed with shock when they threw him in the lion's cage. The lion came slowly and Bill was afraid and lost, when the lion whispered to him : "Don't worry, I'm Joe the cotton candy guy"
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Ducks in the Road
Two ducks were waddling down the street in Buladean the other day when the first duck says, "Why do you suppose Jewish men get circumcised?"
To which the second duck, never having heard a talking duck before, keels over dead from the shock of it.
Nonplussed, the first duck says, "Because Jewish women like anything that's 20% off." because he wasn't going to stop for a dead duck in the road.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
a teacher asks students
Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.
(sorry for my English)
An elderly couple live next to a highway...
One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.
The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"
The elderly man replies that it is the middle of the night and he is too old for physical exertion. He then heads back to bed. Upon getting in bed the wife asked him what happened and is shocked to hear that he did not help the stranger. "Go outside and help him right now!" she demands.
The old man begrudgingly gets dressed and walks outside. He looks left and right and doesn't see the man or his car anywhere along the highway. "Where are you?" he shouts.
"Over here on the swings!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...
... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had s**....
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'.
So she takes of all her clothes, lays onto the ground and points to her privates 'Put it in there' she says.
So Tarzan takes off his l**... cloth and gets closer and then kicks her as hard as he can in the groin.
Jane is rolling around in agony and says 'What did u do that for?'
Tarzan says 'checking for squirrels'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Custody Battle
Husband and wife are fighting in divorce court for the custody of their child.
The judge asked the mother to make her case as to why she deserves to have custody.
The mother puts on a passionate plea and shocks everyone in the court room. When she is done the judge turns to the father and says "she makes a compelling case and doesn't look like your getting the child but I must give you a chance to speak"
Father knows he is s**... as he is standing up to make his statement, being nervous by putting his hand in his pocket. All of a sudden he feels a coin in his pocket knowing that he is s**... out of child custody as well as the family equity... pondering over and finally speaking the words "Your honor, if i put this coin in a pop machine and a pop comes out does the pop belong to me or the vending machine?".
Judge says to the father "you get custody"
The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...
... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.
So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"
The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor Little Johnny...
Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying.
His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks "Johnny, why are ya crying like that?"
Johnny says sobbingly, "Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don't know what to do!"
Mr. Smith is shocked and says "Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you?"
To which Johnny states "God no... I can't think about s**... at a time like this!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"
A couple decides to go on vacation.
A couple from London decides to go on a vacation together to Spain.
Due to a sudden change in the wife's work schedule the husband decides to fly first and the wife will join him a couple of days later.
As the husband arrives weather is great and he feels kind of bad for his wife still working at home so he immediately decides to send her a letter.
Unfortunately the letter by mistake gets sent to the grieving widow next door.
Being old and still in shock after just having lost her husband she opens up the envelope without looking at the address.
The letter read as following:
"Hi Honey! Just got down here and boy is it freaking hot.
Looking forward to seeing you when you arrive in a few days"
A Very Short Man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
A man walks into a bar ...
And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today's youth are getting worse.
I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
A French Girl gets her Period
My friend's family is French.
His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.
Then one night she got her period.
Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Koala walks into a bar...
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a p**... out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?" The Koala replies, "Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
being an old man I only remember one joke from my childhood and here it is. I hope that you enjoy it
why did the baker get an electric shock
he stood on a currant bun
ha ha
anyway this is the only joke I remember from when me and my friends were sprogs back in the day with no internet or anything like that
thanks
Rog. H
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a pet store..
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are the vegetarians silent during s**...?
Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.
The real troublemaker ...
While examining a female patient, doctor tells her:
Ur heart, lungs, pulse, BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
Woman immediately started taking off her top and jeans..
Doc shocked said:
No! No! Plz put on ur clothes.
Just show me your tongue..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to the doctor.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. My a**...'s the size of a garbage can lid!"
The doctor is a little shocked and says, "You've got to be kidding. I'm sure it's not that bad. Tell me what happened."
The guy tells the doctor, "Well, I went on Safari and I ended up getting r**... by an elephant."
The doctor thinks for a second and says, "Well, then it can't be the size of a garbage can lid. I'm no veterinarian, but I know that elephant p**... are actually quite small."
After a short embarrassed pause, the guy guy sighs, "He fingered me first."
A mother finds out she has cancer
A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."
Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife asks husband: How did you get the stain of lipstick on you shirt?
Husband replies " I'm also in shock , i was full n**... that time"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists
With trying to make abortions i**..., get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The most shocking info that we'll get from the classified Kennedy documents will be that Lee Harvey Oswald didn't shoot the president, he ate him.
Because John F. Kennedy was a berliner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman is drinking at a pub when God Himself appears to him
"Pat McGinty! If you don't stop your drinking, I'll make you smaller and smaller until you become a mouse!"
Shocked, Pat rushes home to think. His wife notices his duress and asks him what's wrong. Somberly, Patrick looks up and says "God just appeared to me. He told me we had to get rid of the cat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
A bingo caller has a ball fly up at his face...
It goes right up his noise and gets stuck. He goes to the emergency room, the doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have a tumour". The bingo caller looks shocked and asks, "what's the good news?" The doctor responds, " the tumour is B9".
So today I smashed my van in to the side of this blonde lasses car...
It was totally my fault, the car was a write off and the girl was very shook up, you could tell she was in shock so I told her I had a few cans of beer in the back of my van if she wanted them to get over the shock ..... She accepted, drunk a few then asked me if I was having one, I told her I'd wait until the police had been.
You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.
He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.
You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.
He pulls out his taser.
What happens next may shock you...
A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land
And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfortunately end his trip early. As he walked away from the ticket counter, he was heard muttering well no wonder Jesus walked.