Getting Ready Jokes

My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"

She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.

My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….

My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?

My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date

He sat me down, handed me a c**..., looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."

So an old couple was getting ready for bed...

...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER s**...!".
The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

While in the bathroom getting ready for work I called out to my wife.

Honey, when I shave in the morning I feel 20 years younger.
Without missing a beat, she said Maybe you should shave before we go to bed.

A tech company gets a new CTO...

She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.
Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long work week, and Fridays we won't work, we'll need to get ready for the weekend.
A senior programmer in the back raises his hand and says hey, I'm not sure I understand... Does this mean we have to start working on Wednesdays?

So a guy wants to marry a v**...

He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."
The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

3 girls were being exucuted....

...The first girl was getting ready to be shot. The guard yelled,"Ready aim-"The girl yelled," Tornado! Tornado!!" The guard turned around she escaped. The second girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" She yelled,"Huirricane!! Hurricane!!" The guard turned around she was gone. The 3rd girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" The girl yelled,"Fire!!Fire!"...

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates..........

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.

"Cut a Man in Half" Trick

I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.

A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be just an underwear falling to the ground.
The man replied, " Yeah, because I was still in it"

A tribute to my late wife

She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.

I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march.

Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."

Two friends were out golfing one morning.

One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a f**... processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.
That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.
Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.

Two cookies are getting ready for their fight

"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my b**... sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!
Husband: Well, at least your eyesight is okay!

while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle...

I'm just kidding, I live in America.

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who's gonna be who

RDJ said I'll be Beethoven and Hugh Jackman said I'll be Freddie Mercury and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said I'll be Bach

A very old couple gets married and on their wedding night...

....they're getting ready for bed and this will be the first time they've ever slept with each other.
The woman comes out of the bath room and her husband is already in bed.
She drops her night gown and says "I should warn you, I have acute angina"
The old man says "I sure hope so cuz those t**... are n**..."

My wife was in the bathroom

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"

A priest was going to meet a parishioner for lunch

As he was getting ready to leave, he noticed he had forgotten to put on his white priest's collar. He looked and looked, but alas, couldn't find one. He asked another priest, "Do you have a collar I can borrow? One of the parishioners asked me if I could meet up for lunch to discuss some problems."
The other priest says, "Sure, no problem. Happens to everyone - a lay date and a collar short."

I Think My Wife is Cheating on Me!

I think my wife accidently admitted to cheating on me. She was getting ready to go to the gym and I asked her when she would be back. She replied, "An hour, two Max."
The only problem...my name isn't Max!

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

A warehouse worker...

A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.
The food was unpalatable.

Blind Golfers

One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go." The engineers said, "can't you just golf at night?"

Golfing

Al and Bob were on the 9th green getting ready to putt just as a f**... is passing by. Al takes off his hat, holds it to his chest and bows his head in a moment of silence.
After joining him an emotional Bob says "What a nice gesture Al, showing respect like that"
Al grabs his putter out of his bag and says " it's the least I could do, she was my wife for 43 years"

Going to open a new restaurant ...

I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant...
I am calling it Juan-Ton

Four guys where getting ready to tee off on the 18th hole when a f**... procession started coming down the road...

...one of the men took off his hat and bowed his head. Another said, "Marty, that is the nicest gesture I have ever seen out of you." Marty replies, "It's the least I could do, we where married for 28 years."

Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates

The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I'm kissing tonight already stink."

I'm starting the dishes, and my wife is getting ready to go watch 50 Shades of Grey

I guess you could say we are BOTH pre soaking.

A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai

The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?"
"Sure-i-can"

A french gymnast is getting ready to perform...

His coach walks up and says, "Break a leg!"

A Bilingual mexican dad was getting ready for work...

...and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.
Dad: "what've you got there, son?"
Son: "cereal with soy milk."
Dad: "Hola Milk, soy tu padre!"

A very old couple is getting ready for bed

The man goes to the bathroom. His wife asks him: "What are you doing?". He replied: "Brushing my teeth". She asks him: "Can you please brush mine too?"
Sorry grandma!!

On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.

The assistant runs onto set and starts k**... over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.
As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"

A young couple is getting ready to have s**... for the first time.

A young couple is getting ready to have s**... for the first time. The boyfriend asked his girlfriend, "Have you ever ridden a horse?"
She said, "Yes, I have."
Satisfied, he responded with, "So this will be just like riding a horse."
Suddenly, the woman's face looked horrified.
Concerned, the man asked his girlfriend what was wrong.
Tearfully, she responded with, "So it will be bumpy and uncomfortable?"

TIFU getting ready for my h**... test.

I spent hours "cramming" the night before the test.

Windows 10 must be a women

It's been saying "Getting ready" for over an hour and a half now.

While getting ready to leave on trip, I was trying to get my wife to hurry up.

She says "Why are you rushin'?"
Too which I replied "Because my grandpa is from Moscow."
Duh..

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.

Why did the squash go to the gym?

Because she's getting ready for zucchini season

Law Students

Why are law students known for drinking?
They are getting ready for the Bar exam.

Center of Attention

Xavier was getting ready to go to a party and said goodbye to his dad.
His dad said: Remember to be the center of attention at the party son, by faking a cardiac arrest.  

A canibal was getting ready to eat his first meal

But he didn't have the guts

A guy was getting ready to go on a date with his blind girlfriend when she asked him, "How do I look?"

He said, "You can't".

Why do white people look over their shoulders?

Because they're getting ready to tell a black man joke

Every single girl I've ever loved has displayed weird, paranoid behaviors when getting ready for bed.

That's why I've never introduced myself to any of those girls.

A girl is getting ready to go to school.

A little girl is getting ready for school.

I just heard there was a credible threat that someone was getting ready to bomb the inauguration!!!

….hope Trump rewrites his speech before then

Joe is getting ready his Batman impression...

So he decides to show his friend Bob. "Hey Bob, wanna see a Batman impression?"
"Okay."
"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!"
"That's Superman."
"Thanks Bob!"

Going on a Bachelor party cruise

I was getting ready to go on a cruise for my best friends bachelor party and told Voice command Cell girl to "Remind me about power s**... for bachelor party". Later that night my wife asked if we had purchased an extra cruise ticket or if the cruise line was going to throw in the power stripper.

A guy goes to his proctologist...

While the doc was getting ready for the exam, the man asked "So how did you get into proctology?" The doctor goes, "Well, I wanted to be a Gynecologist, **holds up thumb and index finger** but I missed it by this much"

What is common in Windows 8 and female?

They both can take hours "getting ready".
(I tried installing Windows 8 today morning. There's no installation progress bar. Instead just a "getting ready" message which takes a couple of hours).

A Knight was getting ready for the crusade.
Ha turned to his friend and told him:
"My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free."
When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message:
"Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"

A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
At the prom, the two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

Three nuns were getting ready for bed,

Changing out of their robes and into nightgowns.
Halfway through undress, breast bare, they hear a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" calls the first nun.
"I'm the blind guy!"
The second nuns asks, "You're a blind guy?"
"Yes, I'm the blind guy!"
The third nun, thinking there's no harm in letting a blind guy come in while everyone was half n**... opens the door and allows the man in.
The man, eyes wide and with a surprised look says, "Wow, nice t**..., sisters!"
All three nuns, astonished and embarrassed quickly try to cover themselves up.
"You said you were a blind guy!" The first nun exclaims.
"Yah," he says. "I'm here to install your blinds."

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
No, replied the man. My son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date.
So what's with all the stuff? asked the neighbour.
Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.

A couple from Alabama get married...

They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. Once they get settled in their hotel room, they start getting ready for their big night.
The guy comes out of the shower and starts walking towards her on the bed. She says, "This is my first time so be gentle". He get all kinds of angry, gets dressed, packs his stuff, and leaves.
About three weeks later, he's still at home and won't call his new wife. His dad gives him space, but eventually asks him what's wrong.
The guy says, "well Dad, she was a v**...".
His dad replies, "That's alright son. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours".

There's an amazing bar in New York...

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.