Getting Ready Jokes
131 getting ready jokes and hilarious getting ready puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about getting ready that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Getting Ready Short Jokes
Short getting ready jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting ready humour may include short getting dressed jokes also.
- "Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour." - Dad, I'm getting married! Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven't done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
Dad: You're ready. - Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
- I wanted to become a professional sperm donor I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"
- So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland. "Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!" - Happy women's day everyone! It was actually supposed to be held on March 8 but they took too long to get ready.
- After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars... if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality
- How do cannibals get ready in the morning? Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.
- Breathing heavily, she asked me what I can give her. Me: "I'll give you a hint, it starts with a D"
Her: "Oh yess, I can't wait!"
Me: "That's right, get ready for some disappointment!" - A tribute to my late wife She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.
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Getting Ready One Liners
Which getting ready one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting ready? I can suggest the ones about preparation and wedding preparation.
- You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for Times new ramen
- How do you get ready for a trip around the Sun?
Planet - Why did Conor McGregor get a Chihuahua? He wasn't ready for a Boxer.
- How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts? "LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"
- you've heard of a cliffhanger now get ready
- Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will. Soldier: Which one is Will?
- What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee? Getting ready for work
- Coronavirus could keep us in lockdown for years Get ready for the 'Boring Twenties'.
- Women are like tea... You always have to wait for it to get ready
- I forgot to pluck my eyebrows while getting ready this morning. It was an oversight.
- It's almost summer! Time for Americans to start getting bleach body ready
- What do you call a cowboy getting ready for work? ranch dressing.
- Are instant noodles male or female? Male. Cause they get ready in a couple of minutes.
- The first all female spacewalk took place today. I bet they took forever to get ready.
- Why did the squash go to the gym? Because she's getting ready for zucchini season
Getting Ready Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about getting ready you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean getting fit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting ready pranks.
My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….
My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.
I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing
"Drive that thing like you stole it!"
One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.
The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date
He sat me down, handed me a c**..., looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER s**...!".
The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Man Keeps the Engine Running
A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
Hot girl at prom
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
While in the bathroom getting ready for work I called out to my wife.
Honey, when I shave in the morning I feel 20 years younger.
Without missing a beat, she said Maybe you should shave before we go to bed.
A tech company gets a new CTO...
She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.
Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long work week, and Fridays we won't work, we'll need to get ready for the weekend.
A senior programmer in the back raises his hand and says hey, I'm not sure I understand... Does this mean we have to start working on Wednesdays?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a guy wants to marry a v**...
He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."
The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 girls were being exucuted....
...The first girl was getting ready to be shot. The guard yelled,"Ready aim-"The girl yelled," Tornado! Tornado!!" The guard turned around she escaped. The second girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" She yelled,"Huirricane!! Hurricane!!" The guard turned around she was gone. The 3rd girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" The girl yelled,"Fire!!Fire!"...
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates..........
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.
A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside.
A man was in a bathroom getting ready to take a shower, and his wife heard a loud noise from outside. Concerned something had happened she asked, "What was that noise?"
The man replied, " It was just my underwear falling".
Unsure the wife asked again, "That noise was a bit loud for it to be just an underwear falling to the ground.
The man replied, " Yeah, because I was still in it"
I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march.
Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.
First Pitch or ...
One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends were out golfing one morning.
One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a f**... processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.
That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.
Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.
Two cookies are getting ready for their fight
"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle...
I'm just kidding, I live in America.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very old couple gets married and on their wedding night...
....they're getting ready for bed and this will be the first time they've ever slept with each other.
The woman comes out of the bath room and her husband is already in bed.
She drops her night gown and says "I should warn you, I have acute angina"
The old man says "I sure hope so cuz those t**... are n**..."
My wife was in the bathroom
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"
A priest was going to meet a parishioner for lunch
As he was getting ready to leave, he noticed he had forgotten to put on his white priest's collar. He looked and looked, but alas, couldn't find one. He asked another priest, "Do you have a collar I can borrow? One of the parishioners asked me if I could meet up for lunch to discuss some problems."
The other priest says, "Sure, no problem. Happens to everyone - a lay date and a collar short."
I Think My Wife is Cheating on Me!
I think my wife accidently admitted to cheating on me. She was getting ready to go to the gym and I asked her when she would be back. She replied, "An hour, two Max."
The only problem...my name isn't Max!
A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.
The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."
A warehouse worker...
A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.
The food was unpalatable.
Blind Golfers
One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go." The engineers said, "can't you just golf at night?"
Going to open a new restaurant ...
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant...
I am calling it Juan-Ton
Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates
The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I'm kissing tonight already stink."
I'm starting the dishes, and my wife is getting ready to go watch 50 Shades of Grey
I guess you could say we are BOTH pre soaking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai
The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?"
"Sure-i-can"
A french gymnast is getting ready to perform...
His coach walks up and says, "Break a leg!"
A very old couple is getting ready for bed
The man goes to the bathroom. His wife asks him: "What are you doing?". He replied: "Brushing my teeth". She asks him: "Can you please brush mine too?"
Sorry grandma!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.
The assistant runs onto set and starts k**... over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.
As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple is getting ready to have s**... for the first time.
A young couple is getting ready to have s**... for the first time. The boyfriend asked his girlfriend, "Have you ever ridden a horse?"
She said, "Yes, I have."
Satisfied, he responded with, "So this will be just like riding a horse."
Suddenly, the woman's face looked horrified.
Concerned, the man asked his girlfriend what was wrong.
Tearfully, she responded with, "So it will be bumpy and uncomfortable?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIFU getting ready for my h**... test.
I spent hours "cramming" the night before the test.
Windows 10 must be a women
It's been saying "Getting ready" for over an hour and a half now.
While getting ready to leave on trip, I was trying to get my wife to hurry up.
She says "Why are you rushin'?"
Too which I replied "Because my grandpa is from Moscow."
Duh..
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
Center of Attention
Xavier was getting ready to go to a party and said goodbye to his dad.
His dad said: Remember to be the center of attention at the party son, by faking a cardiac arrest.
A canibal was getting ready to eat his first meal
But he didn't have the guts
A guy was getting ready to go on a date with his blind girlfriend when she asked him, "How do I look?"
He said, "You can't".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"h**...," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*t**...." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*t**.... There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"
Every single girl I've ever loved has displayed weird, paranoid behaviors when getting ready for bed.
That's why I've never introduced myself to any of those girls.
A little girl is getting ready for school.
I just heard there was a credible threat that someone was getting ready to bomb the inauguration!!!
….hope Trump rewrites his speech before then
Joe is getting ready his Batman impression...
So he decides to show his friend Bob. "Hey Bob, wanna see a Batman impression?"
"Okay."
"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!"
"That's Superman."
"Thanks Bob!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Going on a Bachelor party cruise
I was getting ready to go on a cruise for my best friends bachelor party and told Voice command Cell girl to "Remind me about power s**... for bachelor party". Later that night my wife asked if we had purchased an extra cruise ticket or if the cruise line was going to throw in the power stripper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to his proctologist...
While the doc was getting ready for the exam, the man asked "So how did you get into proctology?" The doctor goes, "Well, I wanted to be a Gynecologist, **holds up thumb and index finger** but I missed it by this much"
What is common in Windows 8 and female?
They both can take hours "getting ready".
(I tried installing Windows 8 today morning. There's no installation progress bar. Instead just a "getting ready" message which takes a couple of hours).
A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom
First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
At the prom, the two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three nuns were getting ready for bed,
Changing out of their robes and into nightgowns.
Halfway through undress, breast bare, they hear a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" calls the first nun.
"I'm the blind guy!"
The second nuns asks, "You're a blind guy?"
"Yes, I'm the blind guy!"
The third nun, thinking there's no harm in letting a blind guy come in while everyone was half n**... opens the door and allows the man in.
The man, eyes wide and with a surprised look says, "Wow, nice t**..., sisters!"
All three nuns, astonished and embarrassed quickly try to cover themselves up.
"You said you were a blind guy!" The first nun exclaims.
"Yah," he says. "I'm here to install your blinds."
A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.
Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
No, replied the man. My son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date.
So what's with all the stuff? asked the neighbour.
Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple from Alabama get married...
They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. Once they get settled in their hotel room, they start getting ready for their big night.
The guy comes out of the shower and starts walking towards her on the bed. She says, "This is my first time so be gentle". He get all kinds of angry, gets dressed, packs his stuff, and leaves.
About three weeks later, he's still at home and won't call his new wife. His dad gives him space, but eventually asks him what's wrong.
The guy says, "well Dad, she was a v**...".
His dad replies, "That's alright son. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The farmers triplets
A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night. The first date arrives, and in r**... tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.
The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.
The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night
.
The first date arrives, and in r**... tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.
The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.
The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My s**... computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man arrives home after a long night at the bar.
It's 4 am. He is trying to be as quiet as possible; his wife will kill him if she finds out he spent all night drinking. He reaches the bedroom: she is asleep.
Slowly, he starts u**....
He takes off his shirt
Takes off his pants
Takes off his socks
And while he's taking off his underwear, his wife wakes up.
-Honey? Did you just got back from the bar?!?!
The man, not knowing what to do, puts on his underwear.
Puts on his socks
Puts on his pants
Puts on his shirt
+ Just got back? I'm getting ready to go to work!
There's an amazing bar in New York...
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Italian Couple
so an Italian couple walks into their hotel room for their honeymoon. they are getting ready to go to a restaurant. the husband, named Antonio, is already done so he tells his new wife that he is going down to the bar to wait for her. when the wife is ready, she goes down to the bar to find that Antonio is gone. she asks the bartender if she has seen Antonio. the bartender then said, " oh yeah he was just here, he looked like he was in a hurry so he ordered a dos equis and left lickadee-split". then the woman said to the bartender in her Italian accent, "no no lady. my Antonio is not like that. he may smackadee-a**..., grabadee-b**..., but he never lickadee-split."
Going to the prom.....
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.
Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.
She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.
As she's getting ready to leave she comes up to me and asks for my number. I looked at the chair behind me... Surely she must've been mistaken.
I said, Who me?
She said Yes, of course you. I don't usually do this kind of thing but, you just sort of caught my eye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was doing laundry with my dad
I was doing laundry with my Dad, getting ready for a wedding. We had the TV running to keep us company. There was some s**... commercial running about laundry detergent or something. He was just throwing stuff in the machine while watching the TV, not paying attention. I saw him about to put something of mine that was not machine washable into the machine and I yelled at him, "Dad wait don't put that in there!" He held it up and looked at it as I went back to watching TV, and he asked me, "Son, what is this?"
I replied, "Its a Tie Dad".
Two gay guys are getting ready for five guys
I wonder what they'll be having for dinner
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle-aged man and woman are getting ready to go out for the evening...
The man is n**..., standing in front of his bedroom mirror.
Honey, I can't believe I'm turning 50 in just a few months. Look at how old I've gotten! My belly is sticking out, I have wrinkles and liver spots all over, and I'm losing my hair. I feel so bad about myself
Then he turns to his wife and says:
Did you hear me? I'm feeling down and I need you to tell me something good about me
The wife looks up from her book, adjusts her glasses, and says:
Well, at least you still have 20/20 vision
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde got a mail.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back
into the house. A little later she came out of her house again,
went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched
to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, Is something wrong? To which she replied, There certainly is! My s**... computer keeps saying, You've got mail!
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.
A Guy and his Girlfriend
A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo.
He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end.
Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But he eventually managed to rent one.
They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for some juice. He went to get it – but there was no punch line.
A man is going fishing one day...
After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.
I'm getting ready for Lettuce Referendum...
Leaf or Romaine.
but wheres the punch line?
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.
A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.
The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.
He agrees and continues with the procedure.
The doctor first puts the pain at 10% the man feels nothing. He turns it to 25% still nothing. He puts it on 50% nothing. The doctor is getting curious wondering if the device works at all. He turns it to 100% and still nothing. The mother doesn't feel a thing.
After birth is all done they wrap it all up and go home.
When they arrive at home, the mailman is lying on the front lawn. The mailman says. 'I feel like I've just given birth.'
>I don't know if this has been posted before but this was my fathers favorite joke.