Getting Older Jokes
126 getting older jokes and hilarious getting older puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about getting older that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Getting Older Short Jokes
Short getting older jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting older humour may include short growing older jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys. But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees
- What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
- My son was frustrated because apparently he just doesn't understand girls. I assured him saying that that'll change one day. Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women.
- As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam. It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.
- So my girlfriend is getting a bit older and her teeth are starting to fall out. It's okay, though. They'll grow back.
- As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
- As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
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Getting Older One Liners
Which getting older one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting older? I can suggest the ones about getting old and growing old.
- I already know what I want to be when I get older.. Younger
- Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
- Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV? His parents weren't 18 or older.
- What does everybody in the world get for their birthday? Older
- My dad is like Santa Claus He's there when I'm young, but he disappears as I get older
- What does Jesus get for Christmas? Older.
- What does a square grow when it gets older? Cubic hair.
- I told my son I have his knees I told him he will get his kidneys when he's older.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- Thats what I love about these high school girls I get older, but their moms stay the same
- What do ghosts go through when they get older? Boo-berty.
- When I get older, I will be Grand father!!
I know it's lame, Im sorry!! - Alt right alt right alt right... I keep getting older and they keep having the same rage.
- The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
- [Read in Indian accent] Don't you hate it when women get older and... their BOBS SAGETS?
Hilarious Getting Older Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about getting older you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grow old jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting older pranks.
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
An older couple is watching tv...
And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12
Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"
Hearing aid
An older woman is talking to her neighbor one day about her brand new hearing aid. "It may have cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art, everything sounds great, and so far, I love it!"
Her neighbor asks, "What kind is it?"
She replies, "It's about 12:30. You wanna get some lunch?"
The memo
An older man hires a guy every fall and his only job is to use my leaf blower and get the leaves out my yard.
He only pays in checks though. Just so he may write "thanks for the blow" on the memo line.
Strength vs. Intelligence
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
An older couple is sitting in church
when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says
"I just let a silent but deadly f**... loose. What should I do?"
The husband replies
"Get your hearing aid checked."
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years.
I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
A young man starts a new job at a construction site
During his lunch break, he asks an older man what he's carrying in his lunch box.
"It's a thermos, it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."
"Oh wow, I have to get me one of those!" Said the young man
The next day, the older man sees the younger man carrying a thermos.
"I see you got a thermos. What do you got in it?" He asks.
The young man replies, "Ice tea and hot bean soup!"
What's Matthew Mcconaghuey's favorite thing about time dilation?
Everyone else keeps getting older, he stays the same age.
Dementia
Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
What do women and dog p**... have in common?
The older they are, the easier they get to pick up.
(compliments of BloodHoundGang's "3.14")
Guy is looking for a new secretary...
Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?
Two men get into a car wreck...
Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.
"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty scary."
"Don't thank me," the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. "I'm a lawyer."
Son:Mom! What's a GF?
Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older.
Son:What if i'm not a good boy?
Mom:You'll get many.
Three Signs You're Getting Older
I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older.
The first is senility
And I forget the other two.
Prostitutes are like cigarettes.
As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it.
When you start getting older, you think, "why not just once?".
Soon enough, you're addicted. And broke.
Age and sport
Men at 26 plays football,
Men at 40 plays tennis,
Men at 60 plays golf,
have you noticed every time you get older
your ball gets smaller
Mortgage Dream
The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one.
Man walks in on his son
A man walks in on his son m**..., and gets really mad "Hey, save that for when you are older!"
By the time the kid was 18, he had three jars full.
LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...
You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.
Women say it's unfair that men get more attractive as we get older.
It's usually because we hit bottom really hard and bounce back up.
An older woman's husband dies during a b**... session.
She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the h**...'s Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my n**...".
As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more
When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the s**... persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!
What's a woman ideal husband?
An archaeologist. The older she gets the more interested he becomes.
What's the similarity between women and dogshit?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Being a parent of young kids when you're older is hard. I get so frustrated. I'll be yelling at the kids, "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Not because they did something but because I really can't remember.
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.
Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.
What happens to male anarchists as they get older?
They go from having anti-state issues to having prostate issues.
As I get older, I only find that two body parts start hurting all the time. My back.....
And my front.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
My teenage daughter asked me why..
Women get uglier as they grow older, yet blokes become more handsome?
Simple I replied God's a Man .
You know why doctors often prescribe illutation to older persons ?
So they get a foretaste of the earth.
They say you shrink when you get older.
My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but I think that was more so due to the gangrene.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
I think I have the body of a teenager.
I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen.
Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog...
Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees
I realized I was getting older when I saw a young lady walking down the street and thought to myself.
I wonder what HER mom looks like....
An older couple is getting married...
An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"
A kid asked his mother why his sister was named rose.
His mother replied to him, explaining that roses were her favorite color.
He then asked her the same question in regards to his own name.
"You'll get it when you're older, Richard," she responded.
E: I know I said color instead of flower, but I am leaving it.
Why does an archaeologist make the best husband?
Because the older she gets, the more interested he will be in her
What does a bumper sticker and an old man have in common?
The older they are, the harder they are to get off.
How to quit smoking
Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That's great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don't seem to work for me.
Me: It's pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after s**.... As you get older, you'll smoke less and less.
Friend: Has it worked for you?
Me: I don't smoke, but my wife has quit smoking ever since we've been married.
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.
For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
Gorilla
A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained that's your gorilla and it's getting hair. Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed my gorilla is getting hair! . The older sister looked at her and said that's nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.
They say you shrink when you get older
My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but i think it had something to do with diabetes.
My 2-year-old wouldn't come out of the carnival bounce house, so the attendant had to go in and get him
I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about him getting thrown out of places by bouncers until he got older.
Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your s**... jokes when you get older
Me "when I what"
Me: Hits rock bottom "welp, it cant get any worse"
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: oh no
An older couple finds genie lamp.
The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.
The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"
Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.
The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"
In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.
It's no joke getting older...
First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.
A fool does last what a wise man does first. -unknown
Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!
Today my son asked me where babies come from
I wanted to be honest so I said, "From their p**... when they get older"
People grow different feelings as they get older.
For example, at age 3 peeing on people is funny. At age 42 peeing on people is arousing.
OG Rolling Stones Joke
I was on another forum, the comments section of a political site. Somebody was talking about how the Rolling Stones still got it despite having gotten a lot older. So people were making up humorous OG-version Stones song titles, like "Limping Jack Flash" and "Gimme Fiber."
And then somebody said it:
>!"Hey! You! Get Offa My Lawn!"!<
As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way
Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all
They say hearing is the second thing that goes as you get older.....
.....I don't remember what the first is.
A joke that my grandfather used to use all the time, whenever he had to ask someone to repeat themselves.
On the train.
Instead of waiting for everyone to get off, some guy jostles for the train.
An older gentleman goes to him and says:
"You lost something out there."
The guy goes out and looks around, but he doesn't find anything.
Older Gentleman: "Keep looking, it's your manners".
Two older Jewish men walked by a Catholic Church with a sign in front that said Convert today and get $100
The first man turned to the second and said $100?!? I'm going in! and walked into the church, leaving his friend to wait for him outside. When the first man came back out, the second asked, OK, so now you're Catholic but did you at least get the $100? . The first man gave him a look and said It's always about the money with you people.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I begin to think to myself..
Maybe a career as a tour guide really wasn't for me.
Two nuns are riding their bikes back home.
They decided to take a different way home. After they get back the younger nun looks at the older num and says, "I've never come that way before."
The older nun replies, "Oh, it's the cobblestones."
Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.
