Getting Old Jokes
110 getting old jokes and hilarious getting old puns to laugh out loud. Read human body jokes about getting old that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Dive into the laughter-filled side of aging with our amusing collection of Jokes About Getting Old. Ageing is an inevitable part of the human journey, one best embraced with grace, courage, and above all, a hearty sense of humor.
Whether you're marking a significant birthday, trying to lighten the mood at a retirement party, or simply engaging in a friendly chat with your older peers, our carefully curated selection of jokes will hit the right chord. These jests subtly highlight the quirks and blessings of mature life in a funny, respectful manner.
Just remember, the secret to successful aging is not just celebrating the years you’ve lived but also looking forward to those yet to be lived - all with a wink and a chuckle. So sit back, and get ready to enjoy aging in its most amusing avatar with our fun-filled compilation.
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Funniest Getting Old Short Jokes
Short getting old jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting old humour may include short growing old jokes also.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old - I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider. - Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
- I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
- My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary? A play on words.
- My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?" Because he ate too many cowleries.
- My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?
A T-Rex - Poor Prince Phillip... 99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.) - Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing? A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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Getting Old One Liners
Which getting old one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting old? I can suggest the ones about growing older and feeling old.
- Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
- You know what never gets old? A miscarriage.
- what is the best thing about dead baby jokes? they never get old
- How do you get 4 old ladies to yell "s**...!"? Get a 5th old lady to yell "Bingo!"
- You know what never gets old? Russian tank drivers
- What's a joke that never gets old? Russian infantry.
- What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!
- Dark humor never gets old. Just like children in Africa.
- I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray Never gets old
- Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease It never gets old
- Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer... They never get old.
- Dark humour is like a kid with cancer... ...it never gets old.
- Dark humor is like kids with cancer They never get old.
- Dark humor is like a Make a Wish kid. It never gets old.
- I had to get a new pair of scissors today. The old ones just weren't cutting it.
Signs Of Getting Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny signs of getting old jokes and even better signs of getting old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you get 500 old cows in to a barn? Put up a Bingo sign.
- Why are Italians named Tony? Because when they get old enough their mothers put them on a boat with a sign that says To NY.
- Prince Andrew pretty soon will be getting his P45 and signing on for unemployment. The chances of a 60 year old getting another job these days is slim to nil particularly with winter setting in.
Getting Old Birthday Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting old birthday jokes and even better getting old birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday." - How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
- You know you're getting old when... By the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
- You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
- My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
- Happy birthday is my favorite song. Because it never gets old.
- What did the old man get for his birthday? Cancer.
- What did the blind, innocent, sweet, paraplegic 7 year old boy get for his birthday? Cancer.
Quirky and Hilarious Getting Old Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about getting old you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean signs of getting old jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting old pranks.
Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.
One says, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimes in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. The third one responds, Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, That must be the door, I'll get it.
How do you know you're getting old?
When you look at a m**... and wonder what her mom looks like.
Look I am getting old.
This morning I was chasing my secretary to do her on the table and she said: Prime Minister we only did it two hours ago
As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more
When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle
How do you know you're getting old?
When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.
Memory problems
My dad's getting old. He has trouble remembering where he left his keys, sometimes stumbles over finding words.
But weirdly he can remember in graphic detail every dump he's ever taken.
He has a c**... memory.
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.
For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
What do your mom and yo mama jokes have in common?
They're both getting old but are still enjoyed by many.
When do you know that you are getting old?
When you have babies on purpose
I know I'm getting old because...
I'm having dry dreams and wet farts
Mario is getting old and becomes sick
He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.
After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie
and you relate more with the killer.
How do you know your wife is getting old?
When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have s**..." and she says "I can't do both."
You know you're getting old when
when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Happy Cake Day to me!
Getting old s**....
But getting s**... never gets old.
I realized I was getting older when I saw a young lady walking down the street and thought to myself.
I wonder what HER mom looks like....
I'm getting old.
A dude stuck two fingers up my a**... last week.
And insurance paid for it.
Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)
He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.
"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.
"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll tell you what. It can say 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"
"But then they won't know it's me."
"Of course they will. People will read it and say 'That's strange.'"
You know you're getting old...
when you walk past two priests and they wont even glance at you.
You know you're getting old...
When the priests don't even look at you anymore.
You know you are getting old when...
A couple of priests walk past you and don't even notice you.
You know that you're getting old when it feels like 'the morning after'.....
.....but, there was no 'night before."
Getting old
You know you are getting old when you are asked Boxers or Briefs?
And you answer…….
Depends!!
All the jokes about anti-vaxxers are getting old
Unlike their kids
one of the nice things about getting old
is no longer having to worry about early-onset dementia
It's no joke getting older...
First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake
But at least now we can see your face
You know you're getting old when...
You don't panic at the sight of a cop car behind you in traffic.
You know you're getting old when ...
the doctor tells you to slow down and the cops tell you to speed up.
you know you're getting old...
... when your family doctor refers you to an archeologist
Some of the jokes here are getting old
Unlike antivaxx children
How do you know a palm tree is getting old?
It's coconuts hang lower than its trunk.
My dad always said there are two ways you know that you're getting old. The first is that you start to forget things.
I can never remember the second one.
When you are getting Old....
You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
My grandad is getting old and he's starting to have a hard time with all the stares
It's his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.
You know you are getting old
When you have dry dreams and wet farts!
3 great things about getting old and losing your memory
1. You're always making new friends.
2. Every joke you hear is new.
3. I uh, I forget the third one.
What's Matthew Mcconaghuey's favorite thing about time dilation?
Everyone else keeps getting older, he stays the same age.
An attractive woman waits for the stranger next to her to strike a conversation.
She grows impatient and says, "Helloooo, I'm getting old here."
The man replies, "I know. That's why I'm keeping my distance."
You know you are getting old...
when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
What's the difference between news of the US elections and Madeleine McCann?
News of the elections is getting old.
You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor...
...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.
Prostitutes are like cigarettes.
As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it.
When you start getting older, you think, "why not just once?".
Soon enough, you're addicted. And broke.
Three Signs You're Getting Older
I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older.
The first is senility
And I forget the other two.
Me: A High Schooler finishing his last year decides to stretch. While stretching, my back cracks..
Mom: "Ooh, you're getting old!"
Me: "I know. I'm a senior."
My Grandfather is getting old, it's sad he can't do the things he used to do, bless him
You know, bomb the Japanese.
I'm getting old, The only way I can screw a woman...
Is to borrow money from her and not pay her back.
(Credit given to my friend. i'm not that clever.)
My bike is getting old.
I had to retire it.
The only think worse than getting old
is the alternative.
Getting old is like the Celsius scale
Anything in the 20's is great.
30-35 starts to get uncomfortable.
35-40 most people can't handle it
and 40+ you might as well be dead.
I love my drug dealer, but
him joking that he only has Pepsi then threatening to kill me five minutes later is getting old
I think I have the body of a teenager.
I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen.
Dirty Catholic Priest jokes are getting old.
So we know one demographic who won't like them any more at least.
My fiancé is a med student and was talking to me about her geriatrics class...
... and my first thought was "This is getting old real fast."
I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.
Adele's album naming convention ...
... Is getting old
Think about your jokes
Before posting them, in fact:
Why h**... kills himself
If don' t delete it, you will getting old as an idiot.
My harp was getting old and having trouble moving through the house...
...so I got them a zitherframe to help them walk.
You know you're getting old when...
"at your age" starts to come with negative connotations instead of positive ones at the doctor.
*Based on true events*...
You know you're getting old when
You find your favorite teen pornstar under the m**... category.
There was a s**... shop that opened up across the highway from a 55+ aged s**... community
I wonder if it's because the o**... were getting old.
Every night, my roommate gets high and watches the Benjamin Button movie in reverse.
I finally said, This is getting old really fast.
A woman knows that she is getting older the first time she tells a man...
My eyes are up here not wayyyyy down there.
Why doesn't Roy Moore like the jokes we keep telling?
He thinks they are getting old.
Dad starting to notice he's getting old
Girls that he only used to see in the TEEN category are now starting to appear in the category m**...
You know you're getting old when you sound like Jewish rice crispy's
Snap crackle OY!
Alt right alt right alt right...
I keep getting older and they keep having the same rage.
So my parents are getting older and sicker
I think it's time I move them into a nursing home. I feel really bad though, because I live with my parents and I don't want to live in a nursing home.
Getting old
At my age I look for the "I'm not sure" or "I don't know" choices when completing on-line surveys to the "Your Age" question.
Getting older is like being in a prison shower
You try to bend over as little as possible.
You know your getting old when ...
Rough s**... is fighting for the bottom.
You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip.
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
My Issue With Harambe
I think the Harambe jokes are really getting old, Harambe's a dead meme.
I Am Not Forgetful
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
You know you're getting old when
A f**... throws out your back
That song from Frozen is really getting old...
I kind of wish people would just... Let it go
Freshmen girls...
I keep getting older, but they stay the same age.
Wooderson, *Dazed and Confused*
An elderly couple go to the doctor...
...and the doctor says "now that you two are getting older your brains aren't at good as they used to be and your memory will likely suffer. I would suggest that you start writing things down in order to remember them." Later when the couple was home they were watching TV when the wife stood up and said " i'm going into the kitchen, do you want anything?" The husband then replied "Yea i'll have a turkey sandwich." The wife said "okay" then when she started walking to the kitchen the husband said "honey, you might want to write that down like the doctor said." She said she was fine then disappeared into the kitchen for about a half an hour. When she Emerged from the kitchen she was holding a very large ice cream sundae with banana, chocolate and an assortment of other things that you would find on a sundae. When the husband saw her he said "honey!!! You forgot the Peanuts!"
