Getting Married Jokes
117 getting married jokes and hilarious getting married puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about getting married that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Getting Married Short Jokes
Short getting married jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting married humour may include short marriage jokes also.
- If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.
\-My pop - Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
- Dad, I'm getting married! Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven't done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
Dad: You're ready. - Two biologists get married and have twin girls. They name one Jessica and the other Control.
- My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year! Me in august, and her in November.
- My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he'll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years. My husband replied, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.
- If a man and a woman get married in tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?
- If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
- Two antennae get married on a roof The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was *amazing*!
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Getting Married One Liners
Which getting married one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting married? I can suggest the ones about wedding and attending wedding.
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè
- Maybe the pope just wants to finally get married.
Or settle down with a couple of kids. - Its untrue that most women want to get married. I've asked loads and they've all said no.
- Two nuclear scientists get married She was radiant, he was glowing.
- A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech? The Toaster.
- why don't melons run away to get married? because they cantaloupe
- Why did the couple get married in Bangkok? Because they wanted to Thai the knot.
- Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married? No witnesses.
- What do you call two fruits that can't get married? Cantaloupes
- How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant
- Two satellite get married The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!
- I want to get married on September 11th... That way I'll never forget my anniversary
- What is the phobia of "getting married" called? common sense.
- What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes
- Make love, not war. And if you love both ... get married.
Witty Getting Married Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about getting married you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married life jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting married pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their s**... life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.
Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.
A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happy.
Three months pass. She's really worried about her youngest when finally a message arrives. It's addressed in shaky handwriting and contains an ad for British Airways. "London to Paris: Seven days a week, three times a day, both ways."
She fainted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older couple is getting married...
An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.
If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes?
The more crass, v**..., and inappropriate, the better.
Always Wanted to get Married
My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.
So we converted to Islam.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why a fourth time?
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Getting Married!
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.
Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.
Husband: I know all that.
Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?
Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...
Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car c**... occurred missing the man by a few inches.
The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.
Then just a minute later he hears someone yelling "STOP" and he stopped, just a few seconds later a stray tire crashed into a shop missing the man by mere inches again.
The man now fully frustrated yells back "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED!?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."
"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
So I heard Charles Manson is getting married..
Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
Congratulations Harry, his boss said. I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I'm sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.
But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow, Harry said.
Yeah I know, his boss said.
A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...
"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting married next week
I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting married for s**......
is like flying on an airplane for food.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...
I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a w**... dress."
What's the opposite of running away and getting married?
Anteloping.
My co-worker is getting married today, 2/29/2016.
He figured this way he would only have to celebrate his wedding anniversary once every four years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic woman gets engaged
I heard this joke from a father(catholic priest) today.
A catholic woman gets engaged and finds out that her fiance doesn't believe in h**....
She goes to her father and says : "Father, my fiance doesn't believe in h**.... Maybe I should rethink about marrying him".
Her father says: " Don't worry! He will definitely believe after getting married."
Three penguins walk into a bar
Three penguins walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Fellas! Who's getting married?!
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but
getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher
You'll never need to do it by hand again
My Grandmaster Friend is getting married to his Slav girlfriend tomorrow
He found his Czech mate
George and Mildred
It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"
My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...
I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.
I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.
Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do some women stop having s**... after getting married?
Because they don't want to sleep with a married man.
Getting an STD is like downloading a virus...
...but getting married is like downloading ransomware.
My first self-made joke
A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"
Getting divorced just because you don't love a woman is almost as silly
as getting married just because you do.
Did you hear about the Bed Bugs getting married?
The wedding was held in the spring.
What is the first thing stoners do after getting married?
Roll their money into joint accounts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman had a quarrel
Woman: If I had known that my life would become like this, I should have just married the devil himself.
Man: But getting married with your relatives is a t**..., isn't it?
Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception
Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.
- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.
- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!
I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...
She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding
One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages...
...last forever.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best part about getting married when you're a h**...?
You only have to send invitations to one family.
A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute...
The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"
He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"
Last year, my friend William moved to China and spent 6 months teaching ESL. He ended up falling in love and getting married. And now?
Where there's a Will, there's a Wei.
Free Tickets to the US Open
My buddy gave me two tickets to the US Open but I realized I am getting married that day. If anyone wants to take my place, the wedding is at St. Paul's Church and her name is Emily
I'm really busy getting married
You could say, I am engaged.
All my friends are getting married...
I guess I'm just at that age where people give up.
As a long married man I always offer the same advice to young people getting married
Don't
Indian wedding
My girlfriend had to go to a wedding. I asked her whose wedding, and she told me that her friend, who is Indian, parents got divorced and now her dad is getting married for the second time. So asked her "Is it a rearranged marriage?"
A Chinese joke translated to English
A lion is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played.
In a corner, a rat is dancing too.
Rat is asked, "Hey! Why are you dancing?
Rat replied, "It's my brother's marriage, so only."
"When did the lion become you brother?"
The Rat: "Before marriage I was a lion too."
Beautiful Russian Girl
My friend Dave just met this tall beautiful Russian girl and now they are getting married. We all knew her from college except for Dave. She looks like one of those models from a beauty pageant.
To give you an idea of her beauty, On a scale from 1 to 10 , she got a 12 inches surpise for him.
Scottish Joke: After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt...
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
I bought tickets to the world cup semi-finals and forgot I'm getting married that day
So is anyone here willing to get married that day?
Michael Fassbender is getting married. I'm the best man.
I mean, it's got nothing to do with the wedding, just sayin'.
After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...
... along with all other displays of affection.
On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar
I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.
I heard OJ Simpson was getting married again.
He's gonna take another stab at it.
There are four rules when getting married.
You need a woman who loves you unconditionally, a woman who will always challenge you, a woman who you will always want to make love to. And finally make sure they never meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine
He bought the tickets, but the d**... fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?
The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.
Two men discussing
Man 1: I'm getting married. I'm sick and tired of my messy apartment, dirty dishes and the lack of clean things to wear.
Man 2: Hey, I'm getting divorced for the exact same reasons!
What do you call two gay people who just announced they're getting married?
Engayged
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Infrequently
There was an elderly couple considering living together, rather than getting married. The woman was concerned about sharing the same bed.
She asked her friend, "Well, what about s**...?"
The man replied, "Infrequently."
The woman thought for a moment, then asked, "Is that one word or two?"
A good way to tell If someone is getting married for the third or fourth time...
Their vows begin with, OK look...
Me and my crush are getting married
I am getting married on 31st august and she is on 31st october :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke that only Jews will get.
A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right through the shoe. He's bleeding badly.
The bride screams "Oh no he's hurt! Is anyone here a doctor?"
My buddy is getting married.
The date is set for September, 9th. I told him to push it back two days so he'll never forget.
Did you hear Jill Stein and Al Franken are getting married?
Their kids said they will hyphenate their last names to "Franken-Stein."
Two Divorced Men Talking...
"You know," says one of the men, "Next time, instead of getting married, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house."
My Vietnamese friends are getting married and graduating on the same day
I told him it was a Nguyen/Nguyen
Best Man speech joke help
Hi Everyone,
Mu buddy is getting married on Indepedence Day and need some help for a good joke for the speech. I am the best man.
What do you call someone who is misunderstood that ends up getting married?
Mrs. Understood
My daughter told me that she is getting married.
I said " who is the lucky guy we're killing this time?"
What is the single best long-term investment?
Getting married to a CEO & divorcing him once he's wealthy.
Me and my girlfriend are getting married next week.
Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... couple are getting married
Shortly after the ceremony, the priest announces 'those who wish to shoot their guns in celebration, please do so now or forever hold your piece".
