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Getting Married Jokes

117 getting married jokes and hilarious getting married puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about getting married that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Getting Married Short Jokes

Short getting married jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The getting married humour may include short marriage jokes also.

  1. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
    On the other hand, you don't.
  2. Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.


    \-My pop
  3. Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
  4. Dad, I'm getting married! Dad: Say sorry.
    Son: Why?
    Dad: Just say sorry.
    Son: I haven't done anything wrong!
    Dad: Say sorry.
    Son: Okay, okay! I'm sorry!
    Dad: You're ready.
  5. Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
    On the other hand, you don't.
  6. Two biologists get married and have twin girls. They name one Jessica and the other Control.
  7. My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year! Me in august, and her in November.
  8. My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he'll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years. My husband replied, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.
  9. The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married... ... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.
  10. If a man and a woman get married in tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?

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Getting Married One Liners

Which getting married one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with getting married? I can suggest the ones about wedding and attending wedding.

  1. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè
  2. Maybe the pope just wants to finally get married.

    Or settle down with a couple of kids.
  3. Its untrue that most women want to get married. I've asked loads and they've all said no.
  4. Why don't archeologists get married? They are only interested in dating.
  5. Two nuclear scientists get married She was radiant, he was glowing.
  6. A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech? The Toaster.
  7. One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people
  8. why don't melons run away to get married? because they cantaloupe
  9. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.
  10. Why did the couple get married in Bangkok? Because they wanted to Thai the knot.
  11. Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married? No witnesses.
  12. What do you call two fruits that can't get married? Cantaloupes
  13. How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant
  14. Two satellite get married The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!
  15. I want to get married on September 11th... That way I'll never forget my anniversary

Getting Married joke, I want to get married on September 11th...

Witty Getting Married Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about getting married you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married life jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make getting married pranks.

Husband comes home and says:

Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their s**... life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.
A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happy.
Three months pass. She's really worried about her youngest when finally a message arrives. It's addressed in shaky handwriting and contains an ad for British Airways. "London to Paris: Seven days a week, three times a day, both ways."
She fainted.

A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a hot 25 year old woman

At the bachelor party, the first thing the billionaire's friends ask him is how he landed such a hot young woman.
"Easy," he said. "I lied about my age."
"Ah, you told her you're 40 or 45?" one friend asked.
"No," he replied. "I told her I'm 85."

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

A man goes to a doctor for his phobia of getting married.

The doctor asks, "Do you know about any of the symptoms?
The man replies, "Can't say I do."

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced

When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"

two of my friends are getting married tomorrow. what are your favorite wedding/marriage jokes?

The more crass, v**..., and inappropriate, the better.

Always Wanted to get Married

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.
So we converted to Islam.

Why a fourth time?

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

Getting Married!

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'" 

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.
Husband: I know all that.
Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?
Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

If any of you are thinking of getting married, please consider this carefully

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.

A hurricane is a lot like getting married...

Starts with a lot of blowing, then you lose your house.

What is the phobia of "getting married" called?

common sense.

Marriage joke

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...

Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car c**... occurred missing the man by a few inches.
The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.
Then just a minute later he hears someone yelling "STOP" and he stopped, just a few seconds later a stray tire crashed into a shop missing the man by mere inches again.
The man now fully frustrated yells back "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED!?".

A doctor walks up to his patient. "Looks like you have a phobia of getting married. Do you know any of the symptoms?"

"I can't say I do."

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

So I heard Charles Manson is getting married..

Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
Congratulations Harry, his boss said. I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I'm sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.
But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow, Harry said.
Yeah I know, his boss said.

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

Getting married for s**......

is like flying on an airplane for food.

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a w**... dress."

If any of you are thinking of getting married, consider this before you do

On the one hand, you get to wear a cool ring
On the other hand, you don't

What's the opposite of running away and getting married?

Anteloping.

My co-worker is getting married today, 2/29/2016.

He figured this way he would only have to celebrate his wedding anniversary once every four years.

A catholic woman gets engaged

I heard this joke from a father(catholic priest) today.
A catholic woman gets engaged and finds out that her fiance doesn't believe in h**....
She goes to her father and says : "Father, my fiance doesn't believe in h**.... Maybe I should rethink about marrying him".
Her father says: " Don't worry! He will definitely believe after getting married."

I'm getting married to my pencil,

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my wife 2B!

Three penguins walk into a bar

Three penguins walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Fellas! Who's getting married?!

Word on the street oj simpson is getting married again..

Sounds like he wanted to take another stab at it.

Dinner

A man brings his best friend home for dinner unannounced at 7:30pm.
His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens.
Wife: "My hair and makeup isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, and I'm still in my pajamas! I'm too tired to cook as well! Why did you bring him home?!"
Husband: "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!"

A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.

A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

What kind of fruit has trouble getting married?

The cantelope.

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

To the young people on Reddit who are thinking about getting married, here's something to consider.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, …you don't.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'
'Exactly. That's one of them.'

My Grandmaster Friend is getting married to his Slav girlfriend tomorrow

He found his Czech mate

George and Mildred

It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

Marriage

if any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully

on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
>!on the other hand, you don't!<

Last joke(joke3)

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him
How did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
"SIMPLE" grins the millionaire, "I faked my age".
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"WELL", He replied. "I said I was 87!".

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

Why do some women stop having s**... after getting married?

Because they don't want to sleep with a married man.

Getting an STD is like downloading a virus...

...but getting married is like downloading ransomware.

My first self-made joke

A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"

Getting divorced just because you don't love a woman is almost as silly

as getting married just because you do.

Did you hear about the Bed Bugs getting married?

The wedding was held in the spring.

What is the first thing stoners do after getting married?

Roll their money into joint accounts.

A man and a woman had a quarrel

Woman: If I had known that my life would become like this, I should have just married the devil himself.
Man: But getting married with your relatives is a t**..., isn't it?

Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception

Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.

- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.

- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding

One of my biggest fears is getting married. I hear that 50% of all marriages...

...last forever.

What's the best part about getting married when you're a h**...?

You only have to send invitations to one family.

A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute...

The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"
He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"

Last year, my friend William moved to China and spent 6 months teaching ESL. He ended up falling in love and getting married. And now?

Where there's a Will, there's a Wei.

Free Tickets to the US Open

My buddy gave me two tickets to the US Open but I realized I am getting married that day. If anyone wants to take my place, the wedding is at St. Paul's Church and her name is Emily

I'm really busy getting married

You could say, I am engaged.

All my friends are getting married...

I guess I'm just at that age where people give up.

As a long married man I always offer the same advice to young people getting married

Don't

Indian wedding

My girlfriend had to go to a wedding. I asked her whose wedding, and she told me that her friend, who is Indian, parents got divorced and now her dad is getting married for the second time. So asked her "Is it a rearranged marriage?"

A Chinese joke translated to English

A lion is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played.
In a corner, a rat is dancing too.
Rat is asked, "Hey! Why are you dancing?
Rat replied, "It's my brother's marriage, so only."
"When did the lion become you brother?"
The Rat: "Before marriage I was a lion too."

Beautiful Russian Girl

My friend Dave just met this tall beautiful Russian girl and now they are getting married. We all knew her from college except for Dave. She looks like one of those models from a beauty pageant.
To give you an idea of her beauty, On a scale from 1 to 10 , she got a 12 inches surpise for him.

Scottish Joke: After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt...

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

When I saw Stephen Fry was getting married to a much younger man I wondered what a gay cougar was called.

A pink panther.

Getting Married joke, When I saw Stephen Fry was getting married to a much younger man I wondered what a gay cougar was ca

jokes about getting married