Getting Lucky Jokes

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about s**.

... He asks how often you should have it.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, s**... tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have s**... maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have o**... s**... now." "What's o**... s**...?" The young fellow asks.
"Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have s**....
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have s**... maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have o**... s**... now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.

My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have s**... with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her p**... off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress.
Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

God made a new rule...

You have to tell him how you died to get to heaven.
Guy 1 comes up and God asks him how he died, He said:
"I was walking home to my apartment and when I unlocked the door there was a burgular and he ran into my fridge. I threw the fridge out the window. I died of a heart attack though.
God let him in
Guy 2 comes up and God said "how did you die?"
He said "well I was on my trampoline in my appartment. The window was open and I fell out. I was lucky caught by a bush though. Then some one freaking threw their fridge on me!"
God let him in
Guy 3 comes up and God asks the same question'
He Said, "Imagine this, you where hiding in a refridgerator...."

The best blond joke I know.

This blond woman was tired of all these "s**... blond jokes." So she decided to do something about it. She went to a salon and dyed her hair black. On the drive home, feeling very pleased about not being blond anymore, she spots this s**... blond on her front yard rowing a boat and not going anywhere. She says to herself.
"Thats it! Iv'e had enough, I'm going to say something!"
She pulls over her car gets out and walks to the edge of the lawn that the blond is rowing her boat in. She screams at the blond.
"You know it's s**... blonds like you that made me dye my hair black!"
But no response, the blond women just kept trying to row the boat on the lawn. The more she watched the more she become upset and frustrated until she yells out.
"You're lucky I can't swim or else I'd swim over there right now and tip that boat over!"

Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.
A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.
The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"
So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"
To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."
The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"
The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little s**...'s name is Kevin."

Dinner with the parents

A young man began to go steady with a girl who he had been dating for several months. She decided it was time for him to meet her parents and invited him over for dinner that night. Deciding that he may get a chance to get lucky that night, he stopped at the pharmacy to pick up condoms before he went to his girlfriend's house. He got there, sat down for dinner, and everyone bowed their heads in prayer. One minute passed and everyone except the young man began to eat, as the young man kept his head bowed. Five minutes passed, and he still kept his head down. After ten minutes, the girl whispered to the guy, "I didn't know you were so religious." The young man whispered back, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,"Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart and granddad says again in a very controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five short minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little brat's name is Kevin."

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."

Buying Condoms

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"
"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he says nervously.
"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,
*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*
Guy says, *"sure, sounds fun."*
Farmer says, *"But there'll probably be loud music."*

Guy says, *"Cool with me."*

Farmer says, *"And a lot of drinking, that's how it is."*

Guy looks at his beer and nods his head.
Farmer says, *"Gotta watch out, sometimes there's a little fightin'."*

Guy says *"I can handle my own. Sounds fun."*

Farmer says, *"And if you're lucky, might be a little s**....."*

Guy says *"Now I can't wait. Next friday? What should I wear?"*

Farmer says, *"Whatever. Just gonna be you and me."*

Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. Easy, Billy, says grandfather calmly. We won't be long.
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, I want cookies! Gimme cookies!
It's OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be out of here. Just hang on; you're doing great, says the grandfather.
At the check out, the kid screams, CANDY! I want candy!
Billy, Billy, relax, pal. Don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes.
The woman is impressed. You're amazing, she tells the grandfather. You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. Billy is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.
Thanks, replies the grandfather. But I'm Billy. The little twerp is Michael.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a p**... go to Saudi Arabia

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a p**... go to Saudi Arabia. They decide to start drinking and somehow get caught. the go to see the Sultan for their punishment. The Sultan says "You're lucky today. I'm feeling nice today and I will only give you 50 lashes and you can choose to put anything on your back."
The Englishman chooses a pillow and the pillow takes 6 lashes and he gets the rest on the back.
The Scotsman goes next. he chooses a barrel top. The barrel top takes 25 and he takes the rest to the back.
The p**... goes last and being an honest man, says "You know, Sultan, the drinking was my idea."
the sultan is surprised by his honesty but says "I appreciate your honesty but since you started it, you shall get 250 lashes"
the Irishman had the Englishman strapped to his back.

Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"
He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."
His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"
Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

The Art Collector [Clean]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

An alcoholic, a chain-s**... and a homosexual walk into a bar...

...and each sit at a bar stool. After a couple of drinks a psychic approaches them and tells each one of them how they were going to die.
He said to the alcoholic: "If you drink one more time, you are going to die."
He says to the chain-s**... "If you smoke one more time, you are going to die."
Finally he says to the homosexual "If you get turned on by a man one more time, you are going to die."
The psychic left right after leaving the 3 men baffled and confused.
"I call bull-s**...! There's no way that's even possible!" exclaimed the alcoholic just as he took one big drink of his beer. He quickly collapsed and died right there on the bar floor. Both the homosexual and the chain-s**... were horrified as they realized that the psychic was right about his predictions. After taking their friend to the hospital they both leave and start walking to their car. Just then, the chain s**... spotted a full carton of cigarettes right outside of his car.
"Dude no way! Today's my lucky day!"
Just as the chain-s**... was about about to pick up the carton, the homosexual shouted:
"STOP! If you bend over to pick them up, we're both going to die."

the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

10-year old Little Johnny brings Suzy home from school . . .

He says, "Mom, Suzy and I want to get married."
His Mom thinks it's adorable, so she asks with fake concern, "But Johnny, where will you live?"
He says, "Well, we thought about that and my room is bigger than hers, so we'll probably live in my room."
"But Johnny, what will you do for money?" the mother asked grinning.
"Well, I get $5.00 a week allowance, and Suzy gets $3.50, and I think we can get by on that."
The mother asks slyly, "But what if you have children? How will you buy diapers?"
Little Johnny shrugs, "Well, we've been lucky so far . . ."

Speeding motorist

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Three men are in a car that is pulled over for speeding....

We'll call them Jim, James, and John. The officer walks up to the car and says "Alright boys, drop your pants. If you can show me 16 inches between the three of you, I'll let you go." Jim drops his pants, and measures in at 7 inches. James drops his pants and also measures in at 7 inches. John drops his pants and is rocking a solid 2 inches. The officer says "Alright boys, that's 16. You're free to go." After that, the men get back in the car and sit in an awkward silence for a bit before Jim says "You boys are lucky I'm 7 inches." James says "You guys are lucky I'm 7 inches also." John replies, "You guys sure were lucky I was hard."

A bad night of drinking...

Three men walk into a bar and sit beside each other with their hands over their faces, obviously in distress.
Bartender - "Looks like you guys had it rough."
Man 1 - "Could we please just have some water, our wives are coming to meet us later but we drank so much last night that I can't even look at alcohol right now. I don't even want to be in here."
Bartender hands them all glasses of water, "Tell me about this big night you had, I'm bored out of my mind."
Man 1 - "Well, we all met after the game last night to celebrate and drank way too much. In fact, I got so drunk that I blew chunks!"
Man 2 - "That's nothing, I got so drunk that I stole a cab and picked people up for rides. Lucky I didn't get arrested!"
Man 3 - "Psh, I beat you all. I got so drunk that I picked up a p**... and had s**... with her in my bed, while my wife was there! Luckily she's a deep sleeper."
Man 1 - "You guys don't get it! Chunks is my dog!"

Tanslated East German Jokes

A man walks to the dock where he sees a big cargo ship. He shouts: "Where are you heading?"
The captain answers: "We are a trading ship loaded with industrial goods and are headed for St.Petersburg to trade with the sowjet union."

The man: "Oh and with what are you getting back?"

The captain: "If we are lucky we get back with our ship."

--------

The sowjet Union and the people's republic of China had some border conflict where Moscow threated to use nukes. After the US President said he would use nukes on Chinas side, they agree to negotiate a peace treaty.

China: We want 1000 new Diesel Motors.
Muscow: Done.
China: We also want 100 new trains.
Muscow: Done.
China: And finally 1000 tons of rice.
Muscow: Oh we cant do that, rice can not be produced in east Germany.

-----

The context is that the sowjet union took a huge part of Germany's production without asking or paying.

Two elderly men are out fishing on a lake.

They are having a great time together until the oldest of the two sneezes and spits his false teeth into the water. He quickly tried to reach for them but it was too late, they are gone. They continue fishing hoping that they might get lucky and get the teeth back. Suddenly the youngest thinks of a joke. He takes out his own teeth and puts them on the hook of his fishing rod. "Well, look what I just got here": he said and he gave the teeth to his older friend. Happy with his luck the man puts his teeth back in. "What are the odds. These aren't my teeth." he says and he throws them back into the water.

Hall s**...

Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have s**... with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get s**... once a month. and if we do its just regular old m**... style s**...." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have s**... with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it m**... and d**...." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have s**... every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of s**... do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall s**...."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall s**...? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."

Topical Jokes for 1/12

The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult.
United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai.
In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell -- and shot him again.

A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.
The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in to the basket and they carry off his body.
The American is up next. He says " I want to stick to my American traditions, I choose the electric chair." They rig up an electric chair and SLAM goes the switch. The chair shorted and caused a b**... in the facility, sparing the American.
"You are lucky, American. You have been spared by our God and may go free." So they let the American walk.
The blonde is up last. "Well," says the blonde, "The electric chair didn't work, so I guess I'll take the guillotine."

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them
Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code
So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted
NESCAFE
and the next week the 2nd daughter text
WILLS
the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label
fantastic till the last drop
went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
Extra long, king size
she smiled and said not bad for their ages .
After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted
Indigo Delhi Hyderabad ,
the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied
it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins .
Mother fainted

3 buddies go on a ski trip

After a long 18 hour drive, they get to mountain and they are exhusted. So they quickly rent a cabin and rush in to get to bed. When they get inside they realize that there is only one bed, and quickly agree to share it because they just want to sleep.
When they woke up they all felt refreshed and the guy on the far right said, "I just had the best w**... ever, I was with this hot blonde that would just not stop. "
The guy on the far left, to his surprise said, "wow, I also had a w**..., I saw the girl of my dreams and we were going at it too!"
The guy in the centre confused said, "you guys are lucky, all i dreamt of was skiing and for some reason my hands are sticky"

Young man and the Pharmacy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Timmy and Billy compare Christmas presents...

Two 9 year old boys, Timmy and Billy, met after Christmas. Billy asked, "How was your Christmas, Timmy? Did you get any nice presents?"
Timmy's eyes opened wide. "It was amazing!" he said. "I got an Xbox One with all of the games, PLUS a Playstation, a brand new remote control car, a helicopter, an iPad, an iPhone 6, a drone camera, and all the Transformers toys, and a whole bunch of candy and chocolates, a big cake, and a new bike! I got everything I asked for and more."

"Oh my God!" Billy said. "That's so cool. You're so lucky. I didn't get much. I got a new sweater and some puzzles."
"That's too bad," Timmy said. "How come that's all you got?"
Billy looked at his feet. "Because *I* don't have cancer."

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"
"I get 15 cents a week in allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 10 cents. We figured that if we put them together we we´d be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "so far, we've been lucky."

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.
The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and I'm married to a beautiful 21 year old woman. We have s**... five times a day and she grants me my every desire".
"Wow" I respond "I'm lucky if I get s**... five times a month! How can you be sad with all of that?" The man pulled out a snot ridden tissue, wiped his nose and replied:
"I can't remember where I live"

A guy is about to get married...

One day he asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have s**.... His grandfather tells him, When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Then later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have s**... maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow asks, How about you and Grandma? His grandfather replies, Oh, we just have o**... s**... now.
She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells "F*c**... you!" and I holler back "F*c**... you too!"