Getting Fit Jokes

Lady goes to her doc.
"Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm f**... and f**.... The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type.
The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."

Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.

Chuck Norris gets a the highest score possible on Wii Fit by sitting down.

How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth?
With a blender.

How do you get them out?
Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.

Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
A: I don't know, I just like to hear them scream.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Chips.

Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up?
Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.
One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head.
"No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

So heres one.

So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what they said about the c**...."

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas

and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of f**... silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."

Why can you not get a dead epileptic into a suitcase?

Easy. They don't fit :D

Blueish colored feet....

A man goes to doctor after suffering from blueish colored feet for few weeks
Doctor: This means your feet have been infected and need to be amputated and fitted with wooden leg.
After operation, doctor attached a wooden feet which started to look blueish after few days.
Doctor: This definitely means your jeans is getting discolored.

How To Catch a Polar Bear

First, go to the grocery store, and buy some peas. Doesn't matter if they're frozen, or canned, or whatever, just get some peas. Bring those peas to the Arctic, where the polar bears live. Then find a large-ish hole in the ice. It should be big enough to fit a couple people in. Put some peas in front of the hole, and hide. Now when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!

Two old friends run into each other at a bar

Two old friends run into each other at a bar. The one friend says to the other "Nice to see you, you're looking really good. Have you lost weight?" "Yeah I have, actually." says the other friend. The first friend asks, "How did you manage to get so fit?" The friend replies "Well, I'd like to contribute it to a good diet and exercise...but the Judge claims it's from excessive drinking and evading the police."

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

Shopping for my fiancé

I was shopping for my fiancé the other day, wanted to pick her out something just right, so I asked the sales lady if she could try it on since she is about the same size as my fiancé and would like to see how it looked and fit. She called me a freak and told me to get out of the store. Apparently that's not how you shop for tampons

Engineers

Two engineering students are walking along and the first engineering student asks, "Hey where did you get the new bike?". The second engineering student replies, "It was the craziest day, there I am headed to class and all of a sudden this hot girl rides up to me with the bike. Then she throws the bike down, takes all her clothes off and says 'Take what you want!'". The first engineering student nods his head and says, "Smart choice, there's no way those clothes would've fit".

A nerd rides up to his friend on a new bike.

The friend asks "Wow! Where'd you get the cool bike?"
The guy replies "A beautiful blond woman rode up to me on it, then took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!"
The friend says "Good call, dude! The clothes would never have fit!"

Two Engineers were walking to class..

When one asks the other..
Engineer 1: "Hey man that is a nice bike, where did you get it?
Engineer 2: "The strangest thing happened to me yesterday. A girl rode over to me on this bike and suddenly dropped it in front of me. She then took off all her clothes and said, "You can have it all!" So I took the bike."
Engineer 1: "That was a wise choice, her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways."

My local gym have an offer on at the moment. Pay for a one-to-one with a fitness instructor and get a free protein drink.

Well I'm not falling for that one again.

Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass

or she so fat she didn't fit through the last circle in Dante's Inferno.
Let's get this thread ballin'.

A Scot, an Australian, and a Czech attended a medieval combat tournament.

At first they each had some difficulties getting prepared.
The Scot was detained by police because of mistaken identity. The Australian got lost on the tournament grounds. And the Czech was having some trouble finding armor that would fit.
But it all worked out, and a mutual friend of all three inquired about their situations with a tournament official.
"Oh, yes, I've seen them. Their problems have been sorted out. The Scot is free, the Australian is out back, and the Czech is in the mail."

You know that feeling of shame, when you put it in the wrong hole? You wonder why it doesn't fit, and when you look down you just get sad.

I'm talking about belts, of course.
What did you think!?

How many disappointments can you fit into a van?

I don't know, I can't get them outside of the house.

Two engineers are meeting for lunch

Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

What do you call it when a cat gets angry?

A hissy fit.
ba dum tss.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, Where'd you get that? '...

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, Where'd you get that? '
The student on the bike replies, While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want'.
The first student responds, Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

I was with my friend on a new bicycle

Bob: Nice bicycle man. Is it new? Where'd you get it?
Me: Dude, the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street and this very attractive woman on a bike stopped in front of me, dropped the bike, stripped n**... and said: "Take whatever you want big boy"
Bob: Good call. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

How do you fit 4 guys on a bar stool?

Turn it upside-down.
But how do you get them off?
Shake the stool.
^(OK, I'll leave now.)

Met a contortionist, said, "When you wanna get s**...?"

She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible."

I applied for a job at Wal-Mart

I didn't get it. They told me I was over qualified. I have all my teeth and my pants fit.

How do you get your girlfriend to go to the gym with you?

Tell her about how much better at s**... her fit friends are!

Unlike many guys, I don't try to get into a lady's pants…

…mostly because they won't fit me, but also because they lack usable pockets. What's up with that aspect of fashion design, anyway?

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Two Engineers Run into Each Other

One of them is riding a shiny new bike.
Engineer 1: "Where'd you get that bike?"
Engineer 2: "Well, yesterday a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike, took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted.
So, I took the bike."
Engineer 1: "That was smart... the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Since we are doing time period jokes: A Joke from the Great Depression.

Government: you have two cows
Socialism: You keep one cow's milk and the government takes the other and gives out its milk.
Communism: The government takes both cows and gives its milk away as it sees fit.
New Dealism: You get rid of both your cows and milk the government.

What the best way to get drugs from a Scottish dealer?

Walk up to him, nod and say 'ken fit a mean?'

How many Jews can you fit in a car?

I'm not sure, but you can get heaps in the ashtray

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Woman in a Bath

A woman is laying in her bath, taking her mid-day break. She was relaxing when she heard her doorbell ring. The woman was about to pretend she wasn't there when she heard: "Hey! Anybody home? I'm the blind guy".
"Oh!" she thought. "If he's a blind guy then theres no need to get all dressed then!". She exited the bath and went over to the door to ask what the blind guy wanted.
Wow, said the guy waiting there, you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put these blinds?

My girlfriend suggested we get soundproof walls fitted in our bedroom.

It will stop the neighbours complaining about our snoring.

IT Students

An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes Nice bike. Where did you get it?
The first student says, The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said 'Take anything you want!'
The first student says, So I took the bike .
The second student says, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit .

How did Jesus get in such good shape to always have a six-pack in his paintings?

Cross-fit

A lead singer gets blown by a big fan backstage at the end of a concert and all the band members find him n**....

Group: Ewww! Get a room!
Singer: I would if you could fit three blades the size of a jet engine into my living room!

I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

Two engineering students meet on campus one day

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

My new underpants fit like a glove.

It's a shame, I was kind of hoping they'd fit like underpants so I wouldn't have to wear them om my hand and get all these stares....

How do you fit four gay men onto a barstool?

...Turn it over.
Now, how do you get them off?
Give it a shake.

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she starts fitting in your moms... nevermind I take that back. No one's ever gonna be as fat as yo mama.

Me and my girlfriend...

Were getting romantic in bed and she decided to give me a h**.... Before she started, she asked do you have protection? And I said yeah and, it'll fit like a glove

An American, a Brit, and an Irishman each order a pint.

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.
The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can't drink it, take it back immediately, etc.
The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.
The Irishman is furious. STOP DRINKING MY BEER AND GET YOUR OWN!

A warehouse worker...

A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.
The food was unpalatable.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

What do you call someone who comes over uninvited, and tries to get you to work out with them?

A Jehovah fitness.

"I can't figure out how you were able to get twice as many boats to fit in the marina..."

It's a paradox.

People who want to get fit would take whey isolate.

People who dont want to get fit should take whey insulate.

You know you are getting clothes for Christmas when....

You have to try them on to see if they would "fit" your siblings

what gets longer when pulled, fits between brests, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when j**...?

A seatbelt.