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Get In The Kitchen Jokes

134 get in the kitchen jokes and hilarious get in the kitchen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about get in the kitchen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Get In The Kitchen Short Jokes

Short get in the kitchen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The get in the kitchen humour may include short woman in the kitchen jokes also.

  1. My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  2. My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  3. My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it
  4. What do you get when you hand a Frenchman a live grenade and then shove him into a kitchen? Linoleum Blownaparte
  5. This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window. If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.
  6. I was stealing kitchen utensils last night... And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
  7. Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women? The kitchen must be a very safe place
  8. My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.
  9. What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler
  10. A baker was training his protege in the kitchen. The protege gets hungry and starts eating some dough he found on the counter. The baker gets mad and yells, "Hey! I kneaded that!"

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Get In The Kitchen One Liners

Which get in the kitchen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with get in the kitchen? I can suggest the ones about wife in the kitchen and women in kitchen.

  1. What do you get if you throw a grenade in a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
  2. My Husband is pretty good in the kitchen But I get less of a backache in bed
  3. Woman gets hit by a car... How'd the car get into the kitchen?
  4. Gordon Ramsay The only guy who tells girls to get out of the kitchen
  5. What do you get when you cross Australia with a kitchen appliance? A frigeridoo
  6. What is it called when kitchen appliances get together for a meeting? A cabinet.
  7. What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart.
  8. Why do women get married in white? To match the kitchen appliances.
  9. What do you get when you blow up a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
  10. What do you call a chef's assistant who gets thrown out of the kitchen? A flying saucier.
  11. What animal should U always keep in the kitchen? A Pan..duh !! Get it
  12. When I get home, I go straight to the kitchen. I love to cook. I'm gay to eat.
  13. the dishwasher stopped working so i told my mum to get back in the kitchen
  14. Today i went into the kitchen to get some food
  15. Did you hear about the women that was hit by a car How did the car get in the kitchen

Comical Get In The Kitchen Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about get in the kitchen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kitchen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make get in the kitchen pranks.

Three guys survive a plane c**... in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help. A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her s**... first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and open her legs. He quickly runs to the kitchen and grabs the first p**...-shaped thing he can find, an ear of corn. He shoves it in her, and throws it out the window. Grabs another, rams it in and throws it out the window. She is finally satisfied and agrees to cook for them. He goes outside to get his friends, and they exclaim, "We're actually not hungry anymore. We just ate some delicious, buttery corn on the cob!"

Q. Why do blondes have legs?
A1. So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2. To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3. So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.


Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty s**.

...
All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand.
She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom.
"Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!"
"I have two words for you -- LET GO!"

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex.


To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the n**....
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”.
But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

There are three types of s**... in a marriage.
The first one is Kitchen s**....
This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom s**....
This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of s**... is Hallway s**....
This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom s**....
This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women's Day.
Upon passing a l**... store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any l**... in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something s**... to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He'll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark n**....
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims: "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Best knock knock joke ever.

Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

An old couple had been married for 30 years...

And every morning for those three decades, at precisely 6:30 am, the man would release a horrendous f**... that would gag a maggot! His wife would be awakened by said f**... and the man would laugh. Oftentimes he would give her the ole' "Dutch Oven". Every time, however, the disgusted wife would exclaim "One day, you're gonna f**... your guts out!". The husband would then laugh harder and perhaps wave a little more foul air in her direction.
One day, it was thanksgiving. The wife gets up much earlier to begin food preparation for the feast. As she is removing the innards of her fleshy killed turkey, she gets an idea. She gathers up the fowl gut and brings them upstairs to her sleeping husband. She then deposited the entrails into the back of his jockeys. She returns to her kitchen and waits for 6:30.
When 6:30 arrives, she hears the earth shattering flatulence all the way downstairs which is followed immediately by a despairing cry. The woman giggles behind her hand.
Several minutes later, her husband comes to her kitchen, white-faced and wide-eyed. He says, "All this time, you were right. I finally f**... my guts out!" The wife says, " My goodness! Really?". He replies, "Yeah, but I got em' all back in."

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Bill and Ted were at a bar...

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."

An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Santa's bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of r**.... When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do. He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her. So, one day, while he's watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to th farthest room, the family room, and calls out, "honey, what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes to the dining room, one room closer, and asks again, "what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes into the kitchen and asks again, and again she gets no answer. Finally, she is in the living room with him, standing behind the couch, and asks, "Honey! What do you want for dinner?" The husband answers, "For the last time, chicken!"

Dancing in the kitchen.

Two neighbors have the hots for each other. So one afternoon when their spouses are away they are having it off. Afterwards they are having a smoke in the bed and she asks him if it was everything he imagined it would be.
"It was alright, but I must say you are pretty wide."
"What do you mean, wide?"
"Well, you do have a rather 'large hole'...
Baffled she kicks him out of her house and goes to the kitchen to fix herself a drink.
Sitting at the kitchen table she starts thinking about what he said, gets a mirror, puts it on the floor, stands over the mirror, opens her robe and begins to examen herself.
Just at that moment the neighbor's 5 year old son walks in through the b**....
Embarrassed, she says: "Hi Timmy, how are you? I was just doing a little dance, I really like dancing in the kitchen!"
To which the kid replies: "Do what you want, just make sure you don't fall into that hole!"

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

A blonde

Is at her friend's house when the kitchen catches on fire, so she calls 911. "My friend's house is on fire!" she tells the operator. The operator asks for the address but she can't remember. The operator thinks for a moment then says, "Well, we are located in the center of town, how do we get to there?" The blonde replies, " Duh! A big red truck."

Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...

He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.
"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid tea!" he says.
"Well what do you want from me?" she asks.
"MORE E.R. TEA!!"

A Frenchman calls the fire department...

He wakes up and his kitchen is ablaze. He calls the local fire department and says " Sacre Bleu! You must 'elp me! There eez a fire please come and put eet out ! "
The fireman on the phone responds " Calm down, we'll be right there, just tell us how to get there"
The Frenchman , confused , asks the fireman , " 'ow do you get 'ere? What 'appened to your big red trucks?!"

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

Bob gets a job at a Japanese restaurant...

In the kitchen he notices all the pots, pans, plates, etc have names stamped on them. His boss says it's for easy identification.
One day the cook asks him to go get a wok. So Bob goes into the back and grabs the first thing he can find that resembles a wok with the name "Peter" in bold letters on the side and brings it to the cook.
The cook looks at it and shakes he head.
"Peter pan! He no wok, he fry!"

The nerve of some poeple

I get up really early, head to the kitchen, prepare you an awesome breakfast and even brought it to you in your bed.
The least you could have said is "Thank you!", not "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?"...

Little Johnny is at it again.

Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day. He had been very, very naughty with his classmate, Mary Jane. Little Johnny's mom was very upset with this news and she warned Johnny he was surely going to get it when his father got home.
Little Johnny's dad finally came home from work and right away mom told him Johnny was caught having s**... with Mary Jane at school. And she started to cry her eyes out.
Johnny's dad ran to the kitchen and made a huge ruckus looking through the cupboards. The mom stood nearby wondering what was happening. Finally, Little Johnny's dad found what he wanted and he picked up a large cast iron frying pan. He loudly told his wife to get out of the way but she started crying louder begging the dad to please not hurt Little Johnny. After all he was just a young boy. Johnny's dad said, "Hurt him be d**.... I'm not going to hit him. I'm going to fry him up a steak and some eggs. The poor kid can't screw on Corn Flakes!"

(OC) I started stealing granite tops from peoples kitchens and replacing them with fakes...

I keep having troubles getting the counterfeit.
(Its probably been done before because the pun is so obvious but I haven't yet heard it.)

A man on his death bed

A man on his death bed smells cookies, gets up and walks into his kitchen. He asks his wife if he can have a cookie. The wife tells him to get out of here, those are for the wake

Agricultural Addiction

There was a young boy in rural Ireland who became absolutely obsessed with tractors. Everything was about tractors. He collected toy ones, he'd go out to the fields to watch them work, and he wanted to be a tractor driver when he grew up.
Eventually the obsession became too much and he began to miss school, so his parents put him into therapy to cure his addiction. He completed his therapy and was back to normal.
Many years later when the man was married with a family, a fire broke out in his kitchen. His wife brought the kids outside away from the flames, while he stood there and blew as hard as he could at the blaze. His wife was aghast. "What are you doing?! We need to get out of here!" she exclaimed. He turned to her calmly and said "Don't worry dear, I'm an ex tractor fan."

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today...

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!
Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car

There are two things that I will never get...

There are two things that I will never get - why women can't stay in the kitchen and a girlfriend.

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the n**... on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room
to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so
he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk
and immerses himself for immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing
and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims,
"So that's how you guys load those things!"

Why don't women get hit by trains?

There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.

I really can't believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I'm starting to think it'd be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:
"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."
The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:
"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "
both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.
"Good morning Wif--"
The son interupts:
"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"
The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:
"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."

Two Chefs get in an argument,

And they split the kitchen right down the middle.
One Chef has the oven and fridge on his side, and the other has the freezer, a spice rack, and a microwave on his.
So the first Chef looks at the other and says
"What are you gonna do? You can't cook anything in a microwave, you're finished."
The second Chef looks over and tells him
"I have thyme on my side."

A guy interviews an elderly couple

During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.
The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"
The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"

A sloth goes to a bar to get drunk.

After a long time and a lot of drinks the bartender asks the sloth why he is there.
The sloth replies, "I'm depressed, my wife is leaving me. I bet she's already halfway through the kitchen."

[Blonde] A blonde comes home early and finds her husband with another girl...

...so she runs out of the room and the husband follows her. She gets to the kitchen and grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at her head. The husband starts crying as tells her, "Wait don't do it I still love you it was just a mistake!" The blonde replies, "Shut up you're next!"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured, "mother."
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

Celebrating Columbus Day

is like finding a $50 bill in someone's house and they ask, "Where did you get that?"
"I discovered it in your kitchen." cr

So, I was at the UN headquarters...

So, I was at the UN headquarters and I was feeling a bit Hungary, so I was Russian to the kitchen to get a slice of Turkey, but it was covered in Greece. There's Norway I'm eating that, so I got some Chile instead. Something just Francy enough for me.

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Doctor: how did you get a black eye?

Me: I was b**... my neighbor over the kitchen counter when we heard he front door open.
She said, "that's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back I should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday!

What do you get when a French kitchen explodes?

DeBrie. Also among the ruins would be Linoleum Blownapart.

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

So j made a joke up

A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.

Why did the cops call the fire marshal when the restaurant was getting robbed?

There were too many crooks in the kitchen.

I was packing up for vacation

When my wife yelled from down stairs "YOU BETTER NOT BE TAKING EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK". I yelled back "thanks for reminding me i will go get the wrench"

What do you call it when a kitchen appliance salesman gets into a minor vehicular accident?

A blender vendor in a fender bender

Unexpected morning s**...:

I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.

They say if you cant stand the heat then get out of the kitchen...

Well you should have seen the look on their face when I left the kitchen, returning to my fire engjne.

Why did Gohan go to the kitchen?

To goku the frieza to get the vegeta-bles for the minestrone.

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

A kid goes to the kitchen in the morning

- What do we have for breakfast, mom?
- Look kid, just because I sleep with your father, doesn't mean you get to call me "mom".
- What do you want me to call you then?
- Just call me William

A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

My wife and I are debating whether or not to get marble countertops in our kitchen

I feel like we'll just take them for granite

The best part about Halloween is the trick or treaters....

...What a great way to get rid of all those old ketchup and hot sauce packets in the kitchen drawer

Why did the man get a bruised face while attempting to grab the pitcher in the kitchen?

It threw a 105mph fastball.

Why do women have small feet and get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances and get closer to the sink to wash up.

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.
Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.
He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"

jokes about get in the kitchen