Get Better Jokes
102 get better jokes and hilarious get better puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about get better that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Get Better Short Jokes
Short get better jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The get better humour may include short feel better jokes also.
- Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
- I get that the #me too movement is supposed to be empowering... But they could've picked a better slogan than PoundMeToo
- I've been having hallucinations lately. I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.
- I just bought my local MP a get better soon card. He's not sick. I just think he can do better.
- I Got my girlfriend a get better soon card. She's not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
- So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots. As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
- Eve gets an apple Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: ...
Eve: ...
Adam: ...
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better. - Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?" She replies: "why yes I do"
Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!" - I sent my girlfriend a 'Get Better' card. She's not sick, or anything - I just think she can get better..
- Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen? I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!
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Get Better One Liners
Which get better one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with get better? I can suggest the ones about get well soon and improve.
- Why don't witches wear underwear? ... to get a better grip
- My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man... so that I can get a better girlfriend.
- My ex wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
- I just got my wife a get better card. She isn't sick but I think she could get better.
- Me : Shaking a magic 8 ball.. "Will my vision ever get better??"
Coconut : - What gets better with age? Necrophilia
- What do you do when your gf starts smoking? Get a better lubricant.
- What's better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs.
- How do you get better at spelling? Practiss, practise, practice.
- Dark Humor is like Healthcare.... It's better if only some people get it."
- Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on the broom.
- Please, don't get Covid-19 They are releasing Covid-20 in September and it's much better.
- Why is 88 better than 69? You get ate twice.
- I couldn't ask for a better wife without her getting offended.
- I miss my wife sometimes But my aim is getting better
Get Better Soon Jokes
Here is a list of funny get better soon jokes and even better get better soon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I received a lovely card saying "get better soon" Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?
- Bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card... She's not sick or anything, I just think she could be better.
- My wife gave me a get better soon card I'm not sick, she just thinks I really need to step my game up.
- I bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card. She's not sick, I just want her to get better.
- Get better soon card for coworker. I wanted to get my coworker a get better soon card. They are not sick or anything I just think they could get better.
- What did the left breast say to the right breast?? We better get some support soon or everyone'll think we're nuts
- I just bought my co-worker a 'get better soon card'. He's not sick, I just think he could really do better.
- I gave my wife one of those "get better soon" cards... She isn't sick but I just think she can get better
- My wife is upset that I sent her a get better soon card. She wasn't sick, I just think she could be better than she is.
- Bought my coworker a "get better soon" card. They aren't sick, I just think they could do better.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Get Better Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about get better you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feeling better jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make get better pranks.
For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his b**... red.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries!
(Apologies if you've heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I'll get better material)
"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."
"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
The Entertainment
A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."
Why do witches not wear p**...?
You get better grip on the brooms.
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
God should really get better internet for his son.
Its so laggy Jesus died and took 3 days to respawn.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.
A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital.
He finished with a cheerful greeting:
-Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
-Thanks, you too! replied the patients.
I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.
So she locked me in the cellar.
I celebrate Halloween in August
When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.
I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...
...sadly, he took my cue.
With four days left until the end of the world...
I should really try to get better at subtraction.
I sent my girlfriend a get better card yesterday.
She isn't sick or anything, I just think she could be better.
During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning
During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning but it would get better later.
I thanked them and told them that I will apply again later.
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.
The next day she locked me in the cellar.
You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?
Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.
Because then he'll get a better taste in music.
A man wakes up the mental ward
Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.
What's that?
Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.
Okay.
Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...
My what?
A man goes to a fortune teller
The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "
Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "
The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "
Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment?
It won't get better if you picket it.
Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital?
The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.
Do you know how morticians get better at getting caskets to f**... homes?
They rehearse it.
"My night's about to get better now that you're turned on."
... said the student to his printer when he finished his essay.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
One day I'll have to cook for myself to save money.
I'm telling my mother that I'll have to get better at cooking to save money when I move away. My 13 y.o. sister interrupts by saying, "Your water bill from flushing so much will make up for that."
I used to call my ex Gillette, because she was the best a man can get...
Until I realized I can get better for cheaper.
As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw that my dear, sweet wife left a card for me on the table. It said, "Get better soon!"
I'm not sick or anything, I'm just bad at s**......
I watched a video on how to get better internet...
I'll inform my neighbour right away.
Why did hamburger go to the gym?
To get better buns.
I started microfinancing my money to get better savings.
It just made a lot of cents to me.
Keeping up with DC is like keeping up with my alcoholic father
You hope it's going to get better, but it keeps beating you down
My friend from Pakistan said he hates his job and can't take it anymore
"It will get better", I said. "You have your whole life ahead of you. You're only 12 years old."
My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.
She always used to tell me that things won't get better if I picket
My friend committed s**... because of an advice.
I guess he took my advice too literally when I said "Hang in there and things will get better"
I want to get better at grammar so I was reading about the indefinite article.
It went on forever.
Lawyers really make great patients for therapists
They have great health insurance and they never get better
My house got broken into the other night...
The thief didn't take anything, he just left a note. All it said was 'get better stuff.'
This one time my fly was down.
So I told it not to worry, that everything would get better and then it buzzed away happily.
A comment on police killing young black men.
Things would get better if everyone lightened up.
I saw a dermatologist about a n**... red patch on my skin.
I asked if it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.
Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
I was seeing a therapist that I didn't think was helping me
But I was there to get better at breaking ties with people and since I hadn't learned anything, I was stuck with him
Bought my friend a get better card.
She's not sick or anything, but she can get better.
I hate being the designated driver.
My friends need to get better at golf.
I look at my hairline in the mirror like I look at food in the fridge
Maybe it will get better in an hour.
It's amazing how technology seems to get better and better…
…all the while, people are getting dumber and dumber.
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card
Unfortunately, they don't let letters in the morgue.
I turned off autocorrect on my phone to get better at spelling...
but its ducked up my jokes whenever i write them out.
American kids need to get better grades in school.
Come on, guys. It's USA, not USB.
What does acid reflux and dubstep have in common?
They both get better when you drop the "base".
Microsoft has realized that all their products get better PR by naming it after Halo mythology.
I'm expecting the next Windows version to be Windows 117.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine...
I always get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do chiropractors get better at their jobs?
They chiropractice.
An old man was asked what his dying wish was...
"to get better" he replied
How does a student wizard get better at casting spells?
He does his tomework.
Obsolete Technologies
A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.
She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."
Considering his lovely angel's request, the man shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, why not."
A second later... SMASH!!!
That f**...' spider never even saw it coming.
props to /u/mongreloid , with minor editing from myself
A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.
He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with one medium well."
PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'
The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.
He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'
The elbow
A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a u**... sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that only for $1!"
The man decides to take a shot, fills a glass with u**..., goes to the supermarket, finds the computer and pours his u**... into the computer. Immediately a small paper is printed and comes out of the computer: "TENNIS ELBOW. Keep your arm warm for a few days and avoid heavy lifting. In two weeks you'll be better."
The former scriptkiddie is impressed and decides to see if he can confuse the computer. He mixes dishwashing water with diarrhea from his dog, together with some u**... from his wife and daughter. To finish it he masturbates and drops his s**... into the cup and mixes everything again.
when he arrives in the supermarked he drops his mixture into the computer. The computer spits out a little less small paper: "Your tap water contains too much calcium, buy softener. Your dog has parasites, give him medicines. Your daughter smokes marihuana, speak with her. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father, get yourself a good lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
