Gesture Jokes
44 gesture jokes and hilarious gesture puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gesture that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gesture Short Jokes
Short gesture jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gesture humour may include short touch jokes also.
- My wife opened the car door for me today. Would have been a good gesture if only we were not going 75MPH.
- My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him? Axeing for a friend.
- I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today. They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.
- At the gym ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine *
Right over there. - A lost & found note as a gesture of goodwill. Whoever lost a Rolex I report "the time now is 20 minutes after seven"
- My lesbian neighbors bought me a new Rolex for my birthday. I'm more of an Omega guy myself, but it was still a nice gesture.
- The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today. So I told him, "Give me five!"
- This awesome new TV automatically set subtitles to Italian for my Italian girlfriend I guess the CIA picked up on her hand gestures.
- Today I saw someone waving. It was i nice gesture, so I waved back. It's fun to be a lifeguard.
- A good will gesture . . . A friendly chap from a local charity asked for a donation towards restoring the community swimming pool today. . . I gave him a bottle of water.
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Gesture One Liners
Which gesture one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gesture? I can suggest the ones about interaction and hint.
- People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.
- What do you call a small gesture? A microwave.
- What do you call a pranking gesture? a jesture
- how do you make something small warm when it only responds to gestures? with a microwave
- Setting someone on fire Setting someone on fire is a very heartwarming gesture.
Humorous Gesture Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about gesture you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pong jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gesture pranks.
Retired
My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.
When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and said, "Wow, officer! I didn't spend more than five minutes in the store! God would reward you if you made a kind gesture toward an old, retired man, such as myself." He completely ignored me and continued filling out the ticket.
The truth is, I went a little overboard, so I apologized. The cop looked at me coldly and started to fill out a second ticket, saying that besides being double-parked, my license plate was crooked. I then raised my voice and called him every name in the book. He finished the second ticket and placed it under the windshield wiper.
I didn't desist, and continued to insult him with all I had. To every insult, he smiled vengefully and filled out yet another ticket. After the fifteenth infraction, I told him, "I'm afraid I must leave you, officer - my bus has arrived!"
my face popped a vessel during this
I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit and answered,
Me "Yes"
Customer "do you know what a tiger is?"
I figured he was implying the tiger to be like a cougar(as in an older woman seeking young men) but i wasn't sure.
Me "i don't think so, what is it?"
Customer "Its a cougar with stretch marks!"
I started to laugh pretty hard. Was so taken off guard by his answer that I dropped the manure fork on my boots.
Me "Good show! You my good man, are my favourite for today."
He smiled and I gave him a discount on all his items.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present
An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time.
The next year the entire family was having Christmas together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy.
After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!"
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down...
He gets towed to a garage in the nearest town. When he gets there, the mechanic says it will take a while to check it out, so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream parlor. He goes in and orders a large vanilla cone, then sits on the patio and eats it.
Just as he's finishing, he sees the mechanic gesture to him. He jumps up and runs across the street to get the verdict.
"Well" said the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no" replied the penguin. "That's just ice cream. What about my car?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little John in 1-minute Composition
The teacher asked the class to write a composition that involved at the same time s**..., royalty, and religion.
Not even two minutes had passed when Little John handed in his.
The arm of the teacher still raised to stop him, but she stopped the gesture as she read what he wrote:
And the queen said: Oh, my God, so good!
Appointment in Samarra.
A merchant in Baghdad sends his servant to the marketplace for provisions. Shortly, the servant comes home white and trembling and tells him that in the marketplace he was jostled by a woman, whom he recognized as Death, and she made a threatening gesture. Borrowing the merchant's horse, he flees at top speed to Samarra, a distance of about 75 miles (125 km), where he believes Death will not find him. The merchant then goes to the marketplace and finds Death, and asks why she made the threatening gesture. She replies, "That was not a threatening gesture, it was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jew and an Arab
A Jew and an Arab are walking down the street when they come upon a painting of h**... towards the local falafel shop. The Jew takes one look at the painting and spits on it.
The Arab turns to the Jew and asks him, "why did you do that?"
The Jew replies, "because he killed half the Jews."
The Arab looks at the painting and spits on it.
The Jew, is touched by the gesture and ask the Arab, "Why did you do that?"
The Arab replies, " Because he didn't kill the other half. "
Selfless until the end.
For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't Despair
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ~ Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper and wrapped the $100 bill in it Then she got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge w**... of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "*Don't Despair* paid 80-to-1!"
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway.
A little old lady tapped on his shoulder and offers a handful of raw **peanuts**, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, *"Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"*
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth" she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Only A Game?
At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a f**... procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
"That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his f**... says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one compassionate guy."
"Thank you," replies Bernie. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to tell your boss is a d**...
I thought it was a very nice gesture of my coworkers when my Dad passed to circulate a card. Then I opened it... all I could do was laugh. What an a**....
One night a fellow drove his secretary home...
... after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
In a very touching gesture, Gary Anderson attempted to call up Blair Walsh and offer his sympathy.
Unfortunately, they just missed each other.
I bought my friend a copy of The Lord of the Rings but he didn't seem that pleased.
He though it was a Tolkien gesture.
A curvy blonde walks into a drugstore
She asks the clerk, "Can you show me where the flashlight batteries are?".
The clerk says, "Sure." and wiggled his fingers at her in a come-hither gesture. "Come this way", he continued.
She replied "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the flashlight batteries."
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best joke.
During the second world war there was a camp leader who out of the kindness of his heart rescued 160 Jewish people and provided them with warmth, shelter, bottles of water and loaves and loaves of bread. You think this was a kind gesture? You should of seen h**...; he made 6 million Jews toast!
I was in line at the drive-thru, and when I pulled up to the window to get my food, the cashier said "I'm so sorry about the wait."
I appreciated the gesture, but I didn't think she was that fat.
You can never win
So, the Jewish guy gets two ties from his mom for his birthday.
A couple of weeks later his mom comes for a visit, and he decides to wear one of his ties as a thank you gesture.
He opens the door when she knocks on the door, and the first thing his mom says:
"What's wrong with the other tie?"
Some consider giving the middle finger to be a religious gesture
It's a sign of the crossed.
A tour bus driver and old people joke.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he greatfully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde and a brunette are out shopping one day
And they happen to see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. The brunette says, "Aww man. He's out buying me flowers again. Sigh, this s**...." The blonde replies, "What's the matter? I thought you liked flowers? Last time you said it was a nice, thoughtful, out-of-the-blue gesture?" "Oh no, that's not the problem. I just hate feeling obligated after to have my legs up in the air for a few days because of it." The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
As a gesture of good faith, Trump and some of his former staff known to be white nationalists are trying to raise money for victims of the Charlottesville march by running in a charity race.
It's a 3K.
Ricky Nelson would be proud
I had a dream the other night. I was at an Italian restaurant, as I was walking in unnoticed Lou Abbot and Mary Tyler Moore waiting to be seated and Corey Hart was leaving having already ate. I made a gesture and said Hello Mary, Lou, and goodbye Hart.
A doctor and a physicist
A physicist and a doctoe both love the same woman. The doctor brings the woman a red rose every day, the physicist on the other hand brings her an apple every day.
One day the woman asks the physicist: 'I understand the gesture with the red rose, but what about the apple?'
The physicist anwsers:'Isn't it obvious? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thoughtful Gesture
N Y Governor Cuomo assured the public that he always wore his face mask while s**... harassing his accusers
