Germany Jokes

What are some Germany jokes?

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

A boy is studying for his geography quiz

His mom asks him:

"What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin", says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin."

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin."

"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs

What do you call a bra in Germany?

A Stoppemfromfloppen

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...

well whose fault is that?

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that

How did Hitler originally get into power?

"Let's make Germany great again"

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?

They already had all the camps set up.

What's green and flies over Germany ?

Snazis.


This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace!

As usual for Germany ...

they perform better in '14 than in '18.

How does Germany pay for all these refugees?

Krautfunding.

Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks:

To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."

Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schΓΆn"

The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...

... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,

"We did, but nobody liked it."

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

An Israeli doctor...

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 months, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 months he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 months he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. One month ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Where do bacteria like to vacation?

Germany

Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany?

They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.

An American POW was being held in Germany...

Both of his arms were injured during the fighting and the Nazis amputated one.

"Can you drop my arm over allied territory for my wife?" The soldier asked.

The doctors obliged.
A few days later the other arm became infected and they amputated that one.

"Can you drop it over allied territory for my wife?" He asked again.

The doctors met his second request.

A few weeks later, the soldier's leg got smashed in the work camp and had to be amputated.

"Can you drop my leg over allied territory for my wife?" He asked.

"Nein!" The doctors told him. "We cannot do this any more!"

"Why not?"

"We think you're trying to escape!"

An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies

"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."

A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning

"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

A mother is helping her son revise for a geography exam

She asks "What's the Capital of Germany?"
He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What's the Capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What's the Capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."

She finally asks "What's the Capital of Poland?"
He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "I'm sure you'll do great, Adolf"

Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


One. Because they are very efficient...

And they don't understand jokes.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!

Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.

f Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland , was the Second World War a divorce case?

Which country has the nicest children?

Germany.

German children are kinder.

Hitler is speaking to his advisers...

He was surrounded by all of the lead managers and advisers of his entire Reich. His main adviser told him how amazing and efficient Germany was.

"All of ze industries are over performing and creating enough resources for ze new world. Except perhaps ze mining industry, sir. Zey are performing so vell, ve have TOO much ore! Should ve cut ze number of ores ve mine?"

Hitler thinks for a bit and agrees with "Yes, then ve shall mine less ore,"

Just then, another adviser barged into the room and yelled: "MINE FEWER!"

Three men are serving jail time in East Germany.

As they wait for time to pass, they eventually talk about why they were imprisoned.

The first one says: "Everyday, I got to work five minutes early, so they condemned me for espionage!"

The other two ask the second man.

He says: "Everyday, I got to work 5 minutes late, so they condemned me for sabotage!"

Men number one and two are getting curious about the third man.

Upon asking him, he says: "Everyday, i got to work exactly in time, so they condemned me for using a watch from West Germany!"

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift

they said "VR ready"

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

*

I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

*


So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

*

My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

*


I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

*


As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

*

Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

*

7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.

The German says:

>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!

The American replies:

>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!

Germany used to have a large French speaking region.

It was called France

If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland?

Europe next.

Why are there no cats in Germany?

Because they have nein lives.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"



And throw Donald Trump out of the plane

Why did Germany lose WW2?

Three Reichs and you're out

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5 and Portugal, true to its *showoff* image, got 10.

After one hour, in Germany, 100 hundred thieves got caught. In France more than 250 thieves got caught. In Greece more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.

Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread?

Well, we had to do something with the ovens.

Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2?

They weren't Russian.

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.

Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.

Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.

Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...

Priest: Yes my son?

Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?

An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

I've spent the day in a German police station.

Word to the wise… Don't go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.

Just got back from Germany...

and let me tell ya, their meat is the WΓΌrst.

I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

A college girl from Wisconsin wants to learn about her heritage...

So she decides to take a month long trip around Germany. Now, as a college student, she's dead broke so she hits on a plan to make some spending cash.

A month later, she's back in Wisconsin and her mother says So Gertrude, how did you like the fatherland?

I loved it , Gertrude gushed. I learned so much about German culture. Once, I had a Frankfurter, a Hamburger and a Berliner all at the same time!

Gosh! , says her mother. You must have been stuffed! Could you even walk after that?!

Not for days , says Gertrude, but it was worth it, the money from the video paid for my food for the whole trip!

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...

His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email:

"Father,

I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do?

Your loving son"

The father then replies the next day

"Son,

The gold plated train is on its way

Dad"

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II...

He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.

"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.

"Oh no," cries the pilot, "lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."

A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.

"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."

"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."

After another week, the American wakes to the German again.

"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."

"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."

"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.

"...but...why not?" asks the American.

"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

An old joke from East Germany

A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let's establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."

After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affairβ€”the only thing unavailable is *red ink*."

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

Third time's a charm...

Is a much darker phrase in Germany

Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ...

‏An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

‏The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
‏in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

‏The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

‏The American doctor laughs:
"You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President...Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

How to make Germany puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Germany to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Germany? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Germany pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes