The Best 84 Germany Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Germany jokes. There are some germany brazil jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these germany hungary puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Germany Jokes and Puns

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...

well whose fault is that?

What's green and flies over Germany ?

Snazis.

This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace!

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

Germany joke, Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schΓΆn"

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold


An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies

"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."

A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning

"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

Just got back from Germany...

and let me tell ya, their meat is the WΓΌrst.

Germany joke, Just got back from Germany...

Why are there no cats in Germany?

Because they have nein lives.

Third time's a charm...

Is a much darker phrase in Germany

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"

f Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland , was the Second World War a divorce case?

You can explore germany russia reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean germany wwii dad jokes. There are also germany puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Because they are very efficient...

And they don't understand jokes.

Where do bacteria like to vacation?

Germany

Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?

They already had all the camps set up.

Germany joke, Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?

Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany?

They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.

How did Hitler originally get into power?

"Let's make Germany great again"

A boy is studying for his geography quiz

His mom asks him:

"What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin", says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin."

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin."

"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."


Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

Germany used to have a large French speaking region.

It was called France

Why did Germany lose WW2?

Three Reichs and you're out

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2?

They weren't Russian.

Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread?

Well, we had to do something with the ovens.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

Which country has the nicest children?

Germany.

German children are kinder.

How does Germany pay for all these refugees?

Krautfunding.

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift

they said "VR ready"

The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...

... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,

"We did, but nobody liked it."

Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"

"That's easy, Berlin."

"And the capital of France?"

"Berlin"

"And the one of Poland?"

"Also Berlin."

"Good job Adolf, good job!"

What do you call a bra in Germany?

A Stoppemfromfloppen

In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks:

To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland?

Europe next.

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!

Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs

I've spent the day in a German police station.

Word to the wise… Don't go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.

I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

A mother is helping her son revise for a geography exam

She asks "What's the Capital of Germany?"
He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What's the Capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What's the Capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."

She finally asks "What's the Capital of Poland?"
He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "I'm sure you'll do great, Adolf"

Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

As usual for Germany ...

they perform better in '14 than in '18.

Let's face it...

That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.

The German says:

>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!

The American replies:

>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams Ah Nein! The American guy says, I'm flattered but I think it's closer to 8.

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

They are calling it the wurst kΓ€se scenario.

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced

British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,

in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream Gross!
The German man responds, Groß? Danke!

Translation - Big? Thanks!

Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.

What do you call a group of males from Germany?

Germen

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,

"Are you a vet?"

The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!"

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst kΓ€se scenario...

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst KΓ€se scenario

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun? The German replied, In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world. Pah! , the French man says, you Germans do not know what fun is. The German replied, The last time we had fun, the Americans had to save you.

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the germany european jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working germany denmark piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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