Germany Jokes
152 germany jokes and hilarious germany puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about germany that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh with these funny Germany jokes, covering topics like Germany vs England football, East Germany, Berlin, Deutschland, and Russia. From puns to one-liners, these jokes will have you in stitches.
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Funniest Germany Short Jokes
Short germany jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The germany humour may include short germany france jokes also.
- TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.
- Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausage and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
- called the ups office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift they said VR ready
- My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...
well whose fault is that? - ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
- In America, it's called Alt Right In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in argentina"
- Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising They have always struggled to progress in Russia.
- What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle? The bermuda triangle has three points.
- What's green and flies over Germany ? Snazis.
This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace! - Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks: To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."
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Germany One Liners
Which germany one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with germany? I can suggest the ones about motherland and hamburg.
- A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays? Germany.
- In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks. They call them danke memes.
- what's the best thing about germany? Children are Kinder over there!
- Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...
- Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2 They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans
- Where do bacteria like to vacation? Germany
- Which country has the nicest children? Germany.
German children are kinder. - They're closing sausage factories in Germany They're calling it the wurst case scenario.
- Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2? They weren't Russian.
- Why did Germany lose WW2? Three Reichs and you're out
- Germany used to have a large French speaking region. It was called France
- What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland? Europe next.
- Third time's a charm... Is a much darker phrase in Germany
- What do they call pastors in Germany German shepherds
- What do you call a group of males from Germany? Germen
Germany France Jokes
Here is a list of funny germany france jokes and even better germany france puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Germany and France go to war. Who loses? Belgium
- Two germans are on vacation France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.
- A decently funny war joke Germany and France go to war. Who loses?
Belgium - Why did it take Germany six weeks to take over France? Someone was probably Stalin.
- How did Germany defeat France in 1940? A Low Blow.
- [Topical subject] France v Germany...ended in a shootout.
- France vs Germany was a close match There were lots of shots and it ended in a shootout apparently.
East Germany Jokes
Here is a list of funny east germany jokes and even better east germany puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was East Germany created? Three Reichs make a Left.
- Why did East Germany have a drafting compass on their flag? So that you could draw the direction the country was going.
- Why, despite all the shortages, was the toilet paper in East Germany always 2-ply? Because they had to send a copy of everything they did to Moscow.
England Germany Jokes
Here is a list of funny england germany jokes and even better england germany puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There has been an earthquake in Mexico... .
.
.
.
300.000 casualties. Brazil sends medical help, Germany sends food, England sends money and the USA sends 500.000 Mexicans
Germany Football Jokes
Here is a list of funny germany football jokes and even better germany football puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Football is simple. 22 players, 1 ball and Germany wins in the end. That's the biggest difference between football and world wars.
Quirky and Hilarious Germany Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about germany you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chancellor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make germany pranks.
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n**......
...was Germany having a blonde moment.
-&y (yus written by me)
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Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?
Because it's a Nietzsche Market.
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An American woman is hiking through Germany...
She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, g**...!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schön"
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
An old lady gets into a taxi
An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies
"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."
A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning
"If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"
Just got back from Germany...
and let me tell ya, their meat is the Würst.
Pope Benedict and Pope Francis are about to watch the World Cup Final...
Francis says, "sorry, but I spoke to Jesus last night and he said he'd do all he can to help Argentina win." Benedict says, "that's too bad, I spoke to Satan and he said he'd do everything he can to help Germany win." The game starts, and Francis says, "is that referee Italian?" Benedict says, "Yep. Hail Satan."
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Why are there no cats in Germany?
Because they have nein lives.
Terrible jokes my Dad told me as a kid
Joke 1: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? The peanut butter has footprints
Joke 2: How do you know if an elephant is in your cherry tree? Elephants have blue eyes
I don't know if this has anything to do with how awful the jokes are, but my Dad immigrated from Germany in the 1960's
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In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, h**... announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has h**... seen this map?"
f Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland , was the Second World War a divorce case?
Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?
Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...
Exam question: According to Germany how much is Greece worth?
[1 Mark]
Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?
They wanted to give credit where credit was due.
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Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Because they are very efficient...
And they don't understand jokes.
Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany..
Just look for the *gluten tag*.
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East and West Germany
In West Germany your job determines your Marks.
In East Germany Marx determines your job.
Why did Snoop Dogg go to Germany?
For Schnitzel.
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Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?
They already had all the camps set up.
Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany?
They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.
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If h**... wanted to keep the Jews out of Germany
He should have just charged admission
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How did h**... originally get into power?
"Let's make Germany great again"
After the apocalypse, in cannibalistic Germany,
"Kindergarten" takes on a new, darker meaning.
Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.
and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.
Where would we be in the world without humour?
Germany.
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
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People say that s**... ed classes in America are uncomfortable. But I think that history classes in Germany are worse.
"Hey kids, you'll never guess what your grandparents did..."
Why don't nervous vegans visit Germany?
They fear the wurst!
The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...
... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,
"We did, but nobody liked it."
Why did Germany almost go bankrupt?
Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it.
Why didn't Donald Trump shake hands with the Chancellor of Germany?
Because Her hands were bigger than His.
In Germany we have the best street: The Autobahn
No speed limit there.
And we have the best club: Berghain.
Also no speed limit there.
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Now that Macron has won in France and Merkel heads Germany...
they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.
My friend died during his trip in Germany
Apparently he had an undiagnosed Guten allergy.
How did Germany so easily defeat Poland during WWII?
When the Polish threw grenades at the Germans, the Germans pulled the pins and threw them back.
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So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and t**... related content...
Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.
The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...
The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,
"I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."
"Well," the intern replies, "whose fault is that?"
What do you call a good looking woman in Germany?
a tourist
Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.
Each person was assigned a country to report on.
Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!
Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.
With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.
There's fewer n**... over there.
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American children are very mean
In Germany they are Kinder
I've spent the day in a German police station.
Word to the wise… Don't go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.
I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...
I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.
My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.
They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.
Germany and the Czech Republic have left the EU to form their own fully integrated economy.
Their currency is called the ✓
My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany
He was a German shepherd.
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The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?
Because its i**....
Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...
...and we were all kinder
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...
In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household
They're calling it Ubermensch
How did Germany raise its GDP pc. during WW2?
Reduce the capita
I finally got to visit Germany and even got a girl's number!
After asking a handfull of times, she told me it was 999-9999.
I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again
Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.
Germany sets a new record in the world cups.
They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.
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Germany united the world
Have you ever seen anything which makes the World more united than defeating Germany?
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.
It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.
Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy
It's no laughing matter
I'm a germaphobe and my doctor said to face my fear
So I did it, I booked my flight to Germany.
A huge earthquake shook Mexico
Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock
A few Americans got sick after they couldn't hold their liquor in Germany...
Shortly thereafter, one of the group could be heard saying man, Oktoberfest really brought out the wurst in us!
Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?
They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
